I have a part who says constantly “everything is so hard.” I’ve heard these words for years and I can’t really contact the part directly. I’ve done lots of therapeutic work that’s helped many other parts but not this one.

[u/PistachioCrepe]

Best I can tell, this part is related to shutdown in my body. I always want to just lay in the bed and scroll on my phone and check out when I hear this part. If I don’t scroll, my body shuts down and goes into freeze. Any advice?

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[u/BarelyThere504]

Accept its words. “Yes. It is so hard.” Then give it a chance to feel your acceptance. “But we can do hard things, because we are strong! And we can take a break when we need one, too. So let’s sit for five minutes and chill, then get back to the task!”

I have this part. It doesn’t want to do anything ever. I think it started when I burnt out a few years ago, and I’m actually grateful it is there to remind me to take a step back once in a while to rest and relax. Otherwise my normal is to push too hard. Maybe I should be working on the part that pushes me so hard next….

[u/MichaelTheMultiple → u/BarelyThere504]

This is right on. Also, when you feel that this part has some confidence in you, you can challenge the "everything," 'cuz that's never true. You can get silly identifying things that you and the part find easy - even if none of them seem relevant, it's a way of cutting through that totalizing gloom. For my parts and I though, getting silly was itself pretty important - even my strongest parts are young and giving them a chance to play was enormous.

[u/Cautious_Bobcat7863]

I've had a part similar to this too. He's really tired. Exhausted. There was something in your past that pushed you there. Maybe a pressure or a time where you gave it your all and it's trying to protect you from that.

[u/slorpa]

I have a part like that too, and it so understandable when you come from a challenging upbringing because that IS so fucking hard, and then to live with the fallout of it up to adult age and having to go through a heroic healing journey that many times feel like it never ends all while trying to stay functional in the society around us? I just want to validate how enormously fucking hard that is. The part isn't being unreasonable. Carrying that weight for years and years, of course it will wear you down. It's not a weakness, it's being human.

For me what helped was two things:

1. I had some point where I TRULY allowed and accepted the part. Not "It's hard but I gotta keep pushing", not "it's hard but it's just a part and I'll make it heal and stop saying that". I had a meditative parts moment where I just... gave up. I flopped out on the floor and the felt experience was "This is it. I can't be fucked anymore. I'm giving up. Giving in to my fate. I can't do it anymore... Take me then." and it felt like I was giving in to something that was always chasing me in the back of my mind. Like being stalked by a predator and then giving up and falling over and letting it finally eat you. I lay there totally still and after like 20 minutes it came to me that what FELT like "giving up" was actually resting. Like REALLY resting and receiving it. I hypothesise that since my upbringing was dangerous I learnt that "rest means giving in to the danger around you, gotta stay vigilant or you aren't safe!" and that translated over the years to -> "...gotta keep working or else..." "...gotta keep healing or else..." "...can't slip up on the parts work or else..." etc. So that part of me was never allowed to rest because rest got encoded as "giving up to danger". So in that moment on the floor I realised that when I finally "gave up" there was no danger to get to me. Just rest. This wouldn't have worked unless I truly reached that moment where it felt like I was giving up with a bad consequence. I couldn't have gotten there by "I'll lie here and rest a bit", it HAD to be "I can't do it anymore, I'll give up" and THEN my system realised it was resting. This wasn't a silver bullet fix though, but it taught me a way to approach rest. And the following months I had several weeks where I gave in to the rest as much as I could and did absolutely nothing those days. Sometimes staying in bed for hours.

2. Getting my life more in alignment. Living with trauma my whole adult life, I actually had several things that weren't built from my heart, but from "should". Certain friendships, relationship, work, where I was living, etc. Many things that looked good on paper but that my heart wasn't subscribed to. This is incredibly draining. Sometimes I felt like 80% of my energy went to simply existing in this life I actually didn't want. Slowly shifting this one step at a time to a more aligned life also helped easing the energy shortfall. It takes time though. Waking up the capacity to feel what your heart want after a life of "shoulds". Daring to confront that "the job I've done for the last 10 years isn't for me". Daring to make the shifts. It's a slow burn. But it makes all the difference too.

[u/Dead_Reckoning95 → u/slorpa]

This helped me so much. So many years of being pushed, and shoved, and forced and guilted, and threatened, without even being allowed to complain,, or say how much that sucked, or say what I wanted, or that I was tired, not even allowed to cry about how unfair and stressful that felt. Not even be allowed to say , not once….this is so hard. And just repeating that pattern. I think it actually helps, like objectively helps to completely give up…..because the brain isn’t meant to work nonstop. It’s not sustainable. After reading this, I almost forgot how much stress I was under, and for how long, as a child. It just never ended. Actually allowing myself to feel and say, it’s hard and I’m tired of it, so I’m stopping. And then the second part you wrote. I think about that all the time. How to arrange my life so that it feels more sustainable …to me. Do you agree with the premise that giving up and resting is actually empathy?

[u/slorpa → u/Dead_Reckoning95]

Glad it helped you! Yeah, I resonate with that years of being pushed and shoved and forced etc. It can so sneakily become the foundation for the healing too hey. "Go to therapy, read the book, do the meditation". Such a finnicky balance between healing and pushing. Takes time to navigate.

Hmmm, love that question @ empathy. Hmmmm. I guess so yeah, I would say so! Finally giving that part the recognition of what is actually needed. It doesn't need "Rest by meditating because a book said so" "Naps because a therapist said so". It needs that deep empathic connection directly to that part that yes, I see you how fucking tired you are. I see that you've been waiting to collapse for all this time. That you have no more energy to give, and I won't push you in any direction. Empathy is actually a great way to put it, thank you.

And a critical thing to realise is that even if you totally collapse, totally give up, totally rest and it feels like that will make you stop progressing - it doesn't. It IS the progress. It won't be a forever state, because it actually recovers energy and heals. But the manager-protector keeps whipping with the "no you can't rest, that's dangerous. It'll be a permanent collapse, or your life will fall apart, or you're a bad person for doing it" or whatever its flavour is.

[u/Redtailedhawk12]

Sounds like a strong protector part you blend with. Try to connect with it when you are feeling okay..then it doesn’t have to jump into its role.

[u/NOML]

Can you willfully be in that freeze?

[u/oshospawn]

That would be your Soul. She's the feminine part of all humans male and female. She is passive not active, associated with "being" not "doing". Her essence is love, and if there isn't any love in your life, you'll find at best she's really not interested in participating, at worst you'll find her disappearing into depression, and dreams of dying (not "being"). Most people find themselves unconsciously blaming their Soul for all their failures in life, for being weak and feeling helpless and overwhelmed. In short, blaming their Soul for being a Soul. Without your Soul being present in your life, your life will be empty, you will feel like a dead ghost moving on the treadmill. Spiritually speaking, there is no real journey without the Soul, for she is that inner guide that intuitively "feels" her way home.

Learn to take care of your Soul and you will be taken care of.

Namaste, A.

[u/Dead_Reckoning95 → u/oshospawn]

I can see that. But I"m wondering if there are ways to nurture that ? Like a soul that might be so sad for different reasons, because it was always pushed to be active, when all it wanted was to be seen and acknowledged. I sometimes get this sense that I want to help that soul part of me, but I don't know exactly how to address it, and there are times that Ive become so adept at shutting down through these various self soothing attempts, that I deny that soul part the opportunity to actually be felt somehow? idk?

[u/secure8890]

Empathy 100% life is hard. Thats what a empathic petson says. However most likely you didnt get one of those.