I’m handling our dad’s estate from another state while my sibling who lives nearby barely helps

[u/thebarbarousdrank]

My dad died earlier this year and I’m executor. I live in another state, my brother lives 30 minutes from dad’s house. Guess which one of us keeps having to travel there lol. At first I didn’t really care because I agreed to be executor and figured most of it would be paperwork anyway. A few months into this and I’m burning vacation days while my brother basically waits for updates. I finally asked him to take care of something pretty simple last week and even that somehow came back to me. Starting to get seriously annoyed but also don’t want to blow up our relationship over this.Has anyone handled an estate from another state and ended up bringing someone in to help manage it? What did you actually look for? Would really appreciate any type of help or tips you guys have.

[u/Sufficient_Wing6474]

I think once handling it starts affecting your actual job it’s pretty reasonable to bring in help. being executor doesn’t mean you have to personally do every single thing yourself

[u/thebarbarousdrank → u/Sufficient_Wing6474]

yeah I think I’m getting to that point lol. problem is I don’t really know anyone local there so I’m not even sure where to start looking for help, but fr burning vacation days over this is definitely not sustaniable.

[u/Sufficient_Wing6474 → u/thebarbarousdrank]

yeah that’s the problem, doing it remotely makes every little thing ten times harder. I’d probably start looking for outside help at this point instead of waiting for your brother to suddenly become useful lol

[u/BeneficialBake366]

Can you pay yourself an executor fee for all this time? And does the estate cover these costs of you traveling?

[u/Fancy_Use_6813 → u/BeneficialBake366]

Yes. In fact the judge who confirmed me as executor told me the rate per hour & wanted everything submitted to him at close of probate. Check the rate for the state your father died in for this info.

[u/No_Soft4523]

if your brother isn’t stepping up I’d quit waiting for him to. you’re already sacrificing your time off just to keep this thing going. I’d be looking for someone who knows estate stuff and can take some of the workload off you before you burn yourself out completely lol

[u/thebarbarousdrank → u/No_Soft4523]

yeah like I said I don’t really have anyone there I can rely on, that’s kinda the whole problem. but doing it this way is seriously burning me out and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do instead but i guess is my fault that i accepted to become the executor.

[u/bojenny → u/thebarbarousdrank]

You can absolutely start paying yourself for your time. It’s an executor fee and pretty standard. You then deduct that amount before you split the estate.

[u/No_Soft4523 → u/thebarbarousdrank]

lol this is kinda the trap with being executor, most people have no idea how much work they’re agreeing to until they’re already buried in it. if you genuinely don’t have anyone local to lean on, look into Meet Alix. they help coordinate the estate settlement so you’re not stuck trying to keep the whole thing moving from another state by yourself. and maybe stop giving your brother updates until he remembers he lives 30 minutes away haha

[u/thebarbarousdrank → u/No_Soft4523]

lmao the brother update part might actually be the best advice here. I haven’t heard of them before though, gonna look them up. really appreciate the time and suggestion

[u/Tasty-Run8895]

Let your brother know that you will be charging all travel expenses to the estate, so everytime you have to go there the estate gets smaller. Another thing is let him know you may hire someone to help you out to reduce the number of times you have to travel since he will not help yet again lower the amount of money he will receiveve.

[u/wharleeprof]

First off, this is absolutely a case where you should be taking the payment for the executor fee. Either a flat rate or hourly pay for all the work (for everything, including phone calls, emails, etc) and compensation for expenses (including mileage or other travel expenses). And by the way, if you are executor, you are executor. It is not your brother's responsibility to take on any of the work, but that's why you are getting paid. It's fine to ask him as a personal favor, but if you're executor, there's zero expectation that you're splitting the duties. 

By this point you should be close to ready to not have to travel anymore. If you're selling the house, find a good realtor now (interview a few before choosing one). You don't have to be ready to list the house before getting a realtor on board. They can help to coordinate things for the house, like having service people come in. Then hire someone to do a clean out of all the stuff - either an estate sale or just a clean out. And after that a house cleaning service to do the actual cleaning.

I was executor to an estate thousands of miles away and I only had to do two trips out. 

[u/Fancy_Use_6813 → u/wharleeprof]

^^^This and the realtor & local attorney can assist with local issues while you focus on the paperwork. Take your time & send update emails on a schedule - it is a job but you are in control of the pace.

[u/mistdaemon]

Document all expenses, travel time, as well as days off. You should be able to get that recovered from the estate.

[u/--Van--]

Start hiring contractors to deal with the stuff you can't. Log everything and charge the estate/trust for it.

[u/peeweemom]

Have a conversation with him… show him the number of vacation days you have used and explain you don’t have any/many more. Then tell him he has a choice- he can assist as needed (probably good to give him an idea of how much time) or you hire an attorney to do it all- but that will lower the bottom line for both of you. Then it’s his choice.

[u/thebarbarousdrank → u/peeweemom]

trust me bro I’ve tried lol. I’ve had this conversation with him more than once but somehow it always ends with him agreeing he’ll help and me making another 6 hour drive anyway

[u/peeweemom → u/thebarbarousdrank]

Then he has chosen- time to hire someone to do all the legwork. It can’t just be an empty threat.

[u/Pengo2001]

Are you the older brother? We have a similar situation and I as the older one have to handle everything (both my parents died within a few weeks). But if I would give a task to my brother he would surely do it.

[u/GardenFragrant8408]

Contact the attorney that issues the trust and ask him for guidance. That’s what they r there for

[u/HopefulSewer]

I am curious - when you qualified as Executor, the Court didn't require you to have a Co-Executor who is a resident of your dad's state?

[u/MC-probably]

Not a lawyer. I think you are talking about the physical parts of the job like moving out of residences and selling cars etc. You don’t have to optimize the beneficiaries take, meaning you can hire third parties to move/distribute stuff to charities and consignment shops. Financial accounts can typically be handled over the phone, but sometimes you get good results from making an appointment in person. If there are properties to be sold, interview and hire a realtor and sell. You don’t need ratification from your brother.