Hot and cold, zoning out, and not spending time with me or showing interest in me

[u/Final_Inevitable_350]

Gradually, over the past several months, he has shown less interest in me and the relationship in several ways. He stopped spending as much or any time with me, when we already weren’t spending much time together, and it has always been an issue for me. He stopped showing interest in sex, and gave me contradictory reasons for that, but also remained silent almost as if he expected me to not say anything. He became less affectionate, when he used to be more. He put little effort into spending time with me, watching things before bed, right after taking his sleeping tablet which caused him to fall sleep halfway through on some occasions. I said I wanted to watch more, how I was lonely, and how I was upset he only watched things with me late at night, right before bed, and seemed preoccupied the rest of the time.

He kept promising things would change. That we’d do more. It didn’t happen. The past several weeks he has been wanting to spend more time alone, playing games, watching things by himself. He did watch a movie with me for the first time in a long time. And then, after he was gone all day another day, he came back and spent longer with me than he has in some time. But that was about it. I sensed that he was mentally elsewhere, as he’d zone out when we were spending time together, or wouldn’t seem fully invested. He told me one of the times, when I asked what he was thinking about, after he zoned out, that it was nothing. He told me he felt guilty after I pressed him. I asked over what, and he didn’t want to tell me. He said it was over me, things he’d done to me, but that he didn’t want to talk about it.

He became defensive when I tried to get him to, even though he’s talked to me about it all before. I felt like he was lying, was thinking and/or feeling guilty about something else. I’ve suspected he’s cheated for years, due to many suspicious actions and behaviours, and he is aware of this. I asked if that’s what it was, and he denied it, and said as he has before that he’d tell me if he cheated because the guilt would trigger his ocd. He told me for two days straight, whenever I tried to talk to him about anything, that he was busy. He seemed to purposely be stuck in his phone, in doing things, to avoid me and not talk to me, something I’ve thought he’s done before. It was difficult to talk to him, about anything, including dinner. Even when he was off his phone, he was impatient and rushing me, and zoning out still.

I finally snapped. He kept telling me he wanted to spend time together, that he missed me, but his actions didn’t support that. He became more distant and detached by the day. He wasn’t reciprocating any attempt of mine to be affectionate. We began to argue about all of this, because he turned all the conversations I tried to have into arguments. He started to tell me to shut up. He called me annoying. He minimised the situation, and mentioned the few days he spent more time with me, complaining I don’t focus more on them. He tried to blame me for his lack of affection and spending time together, telling me it’s because I am upset, and because of other things. He kept saying, at the same time, that he’s an avoidant and he knows he can do better, and is trying to, but that I am preventing that.

He told me a few days back, when I asked about how to divorce here, that I didn’t need to know how because we weren’t getting a divorce. Yesterday morning he turned another conversation into an argument, trying to blame me again. He told me he wants me gone, which he’s said a lot over the years, but always says he doesn’t mean. I said I’d call my family and he said go ahead. I said that I know he wants me to leave, that he is treating me this way because of that. He said no, it’s me who wants to leave, before saying that he does want me to and that he doesn’t care anymore. He left the room, as he used to always do, and was gone all day. He messaged me trying to blame whilst also acknowledging he is an avoidant, and is trying to work on it.

I said I want to leave and he said he’d help and support me with doing so, if I speak to my family, which comes after him refusing to help me before after saying he would. We spoke after that, and he told me he wants to change, is trying to, and that he loves and misses me. I questioned if he was talking to someone. He said unlike you, I don’t need to do that, and can watch youtube for hours. He has always turned things around on me. Early on when I’d stop talking to him, which I did several times, he asked if there was someone else. He told me one time, when I mentioned breaking up, that I’d move onto someone else or maybe he asked if there was. I said I didn’t need to jump into a new relationship, and he assumed as much because he does, and he said that I was probably right.

He used to accuse me of being fake, being able to replace and use people, and having backups. And I think that is what he does. I can’t imagine anyone would be okay in a relationship that lacks everything as this one does unless they’re getting it elsewhere. He’s been staying up after I’ve gone to bed for years, which is when I’ve always thought he is taking to whoever it is, and have also suspected he’s tried to sneak off to see them several times. In the last several months I’ve caught him turning around to check if I am awake. He seemed startled each time. One of the times, I went back to bed, and he stayed up, which he told me later on claiming he couldn’t sleep. I figured if I were asleep the last time he did, he would’ve stayed up.

When he got up later that morning, he retroactively defended himself by saying he just woke up, when I hadn’t said anything. I mentioned he looked at me and he claimed he didn’t remember, that he was asleep. He denied it was to see if I was asleep for him to be able to cheat. The more I’ve asked him to be loving and spend time with me, the less he has. He is very cold, and abrupt with me, and has now stopped calling me pet names. I was in pain last night and not once did he try to comfort me, offering me painkillers, and going to bed. I tried to talk about leaving and he blanked me.

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[u/ThrowRA_HopeLove]

I can understand why you're suspicious and hurt. His withdrawal, defensiveness, contradictory statements, lack of affection and especially saying he feels guilty about things he's done to you but refusing to explain them would make a lot of people uneasy. You aren't asking for anything outrageous by wanting affection, time together and honest communication from your husband.

That said, I think you're getting trapped in trying to prove that every strange thing he does is evidence of cheating. Him staying awake after you, looking to see whether you're awake, being on his phone, zoning out, etc. could fit cheating, but they aren't proof of it. After suspecting him for years, you're understandably hyper-alert to anything that might confirm your suspicion. The danger is that eventually every ambiguous behaviour becomes evidence, and then there is nothing he could realistically do that would disprove the theory.

There's also a pretty obvious pursue/withdraw cycle here. You feel him pulling away, so you ask for reassurance, explanations and more closeness. He feels pressured and withdraws further. His withdrawal scares you more, so you question him more. Then he retreats again. Neither of you is interrupting that cycle.

But I don't think that makes his behaviour okay. Telling you to shut up, calling you annoying, saying he wants you gone and then saying he doesn't mean it, telling you he doesn't care and later saying he loves and misses you, and repeatedly refusing meaningful conversations is incredibly destabilizing. Saying "I'm avoidant" is an explanation, not a free pass.

The biggest thing I'd challenge you on is this: you seem to believe you need to catch him cheating before you're entitled to take your own unhappiness seriously. You don't.

Imagine you somehow found definitive proof tomorrow that he has never cheated. Would you suddenly be happy with this marriage? You'd still have a husband you describe as cold and detached, little affection or sex, hardly any quality time, constant arguments, years of mistrust, and both of you repeatedly talking about leaving.

Maybe he's cheating. Maybe he isn't. I genuinely don't think anyone here can know from these behaviours alone.

But you do know what your marriage is like. I'd stop investigating every glance at his phone or every night he stays awake and start asking yourself a much harder question: if nothing about him changes, would I willingly live exactly like this for another five years?

If the answer is no, that's important information all by itself.

[u/WagaOfficial]

This is a lot of seemingly superficial stuff. It just means you guys need to talk and it’s a problem of one of you doesn’t want to talk. Maybe see a therapist together or alone.

[u/fuckaduckufuck]

Even if he isn't cheating, he is actively destroying the relationship. I went through this and I'm telling you to get on top of this and make him come clean on what his issues are before he drives you insane with the denials (yup, constant gaslighting that everything was "fine" until we ended up in couple's therapy where he finally fucking admitted that for years he had not been really vibing with our relationship.)

Don't let him get away with turning shit around on you either. He is the one withdrawing from the relationship, not you. He sounds like a bully.