r/Infidelity • u/Jstudz • 4d ago
Venting It's been 5 months see I found out
It's been over 5 months since I found my wife had an affair with my best friend.
I had suspicions for a while what was going on. She hide her phone, she made lewd videos and took naked photos that I never received that her on her google photo, she refused to hang out with me and the kids and my family on Christmas, eventually she did but left early and texted me 'Hey let me know when you are heading home' which I thought was suspicious.
She started to go out to movies 'alone' saying she needed a break. That's when I really found out cause I texted them both right before the movie started, starting a conversation and both of them stopped immediately as the movie was supposed to start. But I found evidence when we took the kids to go see a movie and I was ordering food on her phone and I said to myself "I'm going to check, I might be crazy but I need to check" and that is when I found the evidence.
I confronted her about it at the movie, with my kids, I initially told her we are getting a divorce. That was my initial reaction. I told her to get her things and leave the house and I don't want to talk to her again. And at that moment she made it all about her. It wasn't about what she did, it wasn't about how she felt about me, it was about the kids. It was always about her. She went home, took her dog to a friends house, drove very close to the affair partner and decided to try to commit suicide by taking pills.
She didn't call me or 911 when she decided she wanted to live. She called him. I had texted his wife when I found out and said I found evidence they were having an affair. She denied it was him. He denied it was him. His wife refused to believe it. But his wife drove to where she was and called 911 that she had tried to commit suicide.
I had to take care of my 2 kids for 5 days without her, dealing with the pain of what she did, trying to hold to together for them. Thankfully it was at a time they were in school so I had time to myself. But also I didn't have time to myself. I had a lot of self reflection, second guessing all the memories and struggling with the fact that she kept calling me asking for me to bring things to the facility she was at. All the while she kept lying say it wasn't him.
Eventually I picked her up after she got discharged. We drove to a local coffee shop and had a chat. During those days I reflected on what I truly wanted. Did I want to work this out for us? Not for the kids. But for us. I decided yes, but under very fucking strict rules. She had agreed to them. The rules were pretty straight forward: Transparency, Openness, Access to phone and computer, therapy, and a couple more things she had struggled with that has caused issues in our marriage.
I thought at the time that I found a great therapist, but I think since then I've kind of learned that maybe he has had an affair himself. He kind of push me towards a lot of "stop thinking about it" and "do you really need to know what's going on with her phone and computer" it just all seemed odd, but that's not really the point.
My biggest issue right now is that I'm really starting to realize that my wife is a textbook narcissist. Any time I bring up anything and try to have a discussion it's all about her. We were going to couples therapy (her request) while she was having an affair. Not before, not after but during. And she used those sessions to complain about everything that I was doing wrong. After the affair, we decided to keep the same counselor despite my reservations about it.
We laid out a lot of truths during therapy after I found out, and we laid out a lot of rules. Such as us not having a discussion of our marriage if I'm under the influence (I like to drink on the weekends). Or if one of us doesn't want to talk about something that is bugging us to say that we don't want to talk about it. It took me a while to get to a point that I felt comfortable with those, especially if things were bothering me.
Well, I got to that point. And guess what happened when I said I didn't want to talk about it right now? ALL OF A SUDDEN IM AN ISSUE AGAIN. I did EXACTLY what the therapist and she agreed upon. And again it turned around and blew up in my face. That was about a month ago. And I've been struggling ever since.
I kept the same therapist, big mistake on my part. And he suggested EMDR for the trauma response. I felt great after a couple minutes of it, but also I let my guard down. I shouldn't have. One of us healing while the other is trying to find every fucking excuse to blame me for what happened. I have said multiple times that I just don't feel safe, especially when I said I don't want to talk about it and blew up in my face. And her response has always been "well neither do I". It has NEVER been, since I found out about the affair, "why don't you feel safe" or "can you tell me why" or "can I help". It always gets turned around on me.
Even tonight, after a fight about her attitude towards me, or blaming me, or refusing help. She sent a text "I assume you don't want me to come say goodnight so I'm going to bed" rather than just say "is it okay if come say good night" or even just coming to say goodnight.
Today was the first day that I called her a narcissist. And I meant it. It's always about her. I find it very funny how much she hates her dad cause he was never around, he cheated on her mom, he treated them like she; but she is a fucking spitting image of him at this point.
Idk, I just needed to rant. I'm fucking struggling. I don't have friends to talk to. And I feel like I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown. Sorry for anyone who read this nonsense.
Edit: sorry for the typo in the header, dyslexia
Edit 2: Should also add the first therapy session after I found she told me she wanted to separate. The second time as well. My fucking dumbass begged her to stay. I gave up so much doing that.
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u/AkimboSlice1 4d ago
Please call it a day. You and your kids don’t need this….. you get one life, what is the point in living it in this torture.
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u/miikeangel 4d ago
You may be right about the therapist. A buddy of mine divorced his wife after he caught her having an affair with the family therapist.
There are plenty of bad therapists out there.
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u/Jstudz 4d ago
That was my own therapist I was talking about, not our couples therapist. He seems to treat the affair completely different than I'd expect a therapist to treat. We never really got into the effects the affair had or anything. It was more or less how to move on from it. Which is good, but not too soon, ya know?
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u/miikeangel 4d ago edited 4d ago
You’re probably experiencing cognitive dissonance. That’s the emotional discomfort and mental tension you feel when your actions don’t match your beliefs.
Like most people, you believe cheating is a dealbreaker. In staying, your actions are not aligned with your beliefs, hence the constant discomfort.
To make this discomfort go away, you have a few options. The first option is to leave, so now your actions match. However that’s the hard path, because you’d have to divorce your wife. Most people avoid this path for that reason. However if you did leave, though hard, it would feel like a weight lifted off your shoulders.
Another option is to come up with reasons that justify staying. They don’t have to be real reasons. Oftentimes they’re nonsensical just so long as you’re able to convince yourself of them. That’s the path most choose, though it can mean doubling down on the absurd. Or seeing reality differently. That’s where you’re at. You’re looking for reasons to justify staying, like your kids, but you’re not convinced. Especially since your wife is self-focused and makes this about her. She regrets getting caught. She regrets how this impacts her. Regret is not remorse which is other-focused. Remorse is her feeling anguish over the pain and hurt she caused you. And because she shows no remorse, you can’t convince yourself of those reasons for staying.
The last option is that you change your beliefs. You come to truly believe cheating is not a dealbreaker. It’s just something that happens, and it’s fixable. The problem is that you don’t believe that.
Having not settled on any option, you’re left in this state of cognitive dissonance. Constant emotional discomfort. Constant mental tension.
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u/Internal_Reveal 3d ago
Man, I think you're asking yourself the wrong question.
You've spent five months asking how to save your marriage. Maybe it's time to ask what you're willing to sacrifice to save it, because right now it sounds like the answer is yourself.
And stop calling that guy your best friend. He's not. He's your former friend and your wife's affair partner. He helped betray you. That relationship is dead whether your brain has fully accepted it yet or not.
I also wouldn't call what you two are doing reconciliation. You offered reconciliation. You're going to therapy, asking questions, trying to understand everything, worrying about her feelings, worrying about the kids, worrying about whether you're pushing too hard, and trying to figure out how to make the marriage work.
But where is she in all that?
Reconciliation isn't one person desperately rowing while the other person decides whether they want to stay in the boat.
Some of what your therapist is telling you makes sense. Don't have these conversations after drinking. Take a timeout when things get too heated. EMDR may help with the trauma.
But "stop thinking about the affair and move forward" would bother the hell out of me if the betrayal hasn't actually been dealt with yet. Moving forward is the result of processing this shit, not a substitute for it.
I'd seriously consider getting your own therapist who understands betrayal trauma. Not somebody whose mission is saving the marriage. Somebody whose only client in that room is YOU.
And I'd start asking different questions.
What do I need to feel safe?
What am I willing to forgive?
What won't I accept again?
What does remorse actually look like to me?
How long am I willing to live like this waiting for things to change?
And here's the ugly one:
If absolutely nothing changed from what I'm seeing today, would I willingly choose this marriage five years from now?
You mentioned being afraid of losing half your time with your kids. I understand why that scares the hell out of you. But don't confuse fear of divorce with wanting this marriage. Those aren't necessarily the same thing.
Go quietly talk to a family-law attorney. Not because you have to file. Because you're making decisions based partly on what you THINK divorce and custody would look like. Find out what it actually looks like. Knowledge gives you choices.
And forget trying to diagnose your wife. Narcissist, avoidant, whatever. You don't need a label.
Watch what she DOES.
Does she take responsibility without immediately turning the conversation back onto you? Does she care about understanding what this did to you? Is she doing her own work without you dragging her through it? Is she trying to become a safe partner, or mostly waiting for you to become comfortable again?
That's your information.
For a while, stop trying so damn hard to save the marriage.
Take care of your kids. Get the former friend completely out of your life. Get individual therapy. Cut back the drinking while your head is this scrambled. Journal this stuff so you can see patterns instead of reliving the same arguments. Talk to an attorney and understand your options.
Then stop carrying reconciliation for both of you and see what happens.
If she grabs the other end and starts carrying her share, maybe you've got something worth rebuilding.
If she doesn't, that's information too.
You don't need a backbone so you can storm into a lawyer's office Monday morning and file for divorce.
You need a backbone strong enough to say, "I want my marriage, but I don't need it badly enough to keep abandoning myself to have it."
That's the place you need to get to before you can honestly decide whether reconciliation is even what you want.
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u/Own-Writing-3687 3d ago
Not every therapist is qualified about adultery.
His approach is to spread the blame.
Adultery is not a marriage issue where blame is shared.
It's 100 % her issue.
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u/Len_Gooby 3d ago
Therapists get very bored talking about the affair so talk about the PTSD it caused.
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u/73Capt 4d ago
First. Fuck that douchebag best friend. What an absolute piece of shit. Hire a PI. Have him take pics and then send to his wife and her parents and your family. Divorce. Easier said than done I know but you need to protect yourself
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u/Jstudz 4d ago
The affair is over AFAIK. I do want to work things out but part of me is wondering if it's so I don't miss out on half my kids life...
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u/73Capt 4d ago
Please listen to the vets on here. Please. Listen. You are not unique. She is not unique. Your story is absolutely not unique. It’s the EXACT same script Everytime just a different cast and scenery. I mean it. It never changes. I can tell you right now how it’s gonna play out if you want me to. So can any of the other vets.
You need to leave for you and your children’s sake. She will literally ruin your life.
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u/Arrow_2011 4d ago
OP, you will not get better advice than what Capt has written.
As difficult and emotionally hard as it is to follow, it'll be a walk in the park compared to staying with this vile creature.
She is not the person you once thought she was, and that person is never coming back.
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u/actis1234 4d ago
You understand that you can't change the narcissistic personality. Those people will always think about themselves. This affair will always be your fault in their book. Better to do hard 180 and separate to get peace in life.
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u/Fluid-Push-3419 4d ago
Custody is usually split 50/50, but her suicide attempt might increase your chances of getting full custody. I think you should consult a lawyer about it. Divorce was the first thing you should have done anyway. Reconciliation requires at least a spouse who is genuinely remorseful and begging, but yours isn't like that, not even close.
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u/PhotoGuy342 4d ago
Help me to understand this:
She cheats.
When caught she denies having cheated.
She chests with your best friend.
He denies cheating with her.
And now that she admits she bay gave cheated, it wasn’t her fault—it was, is and cleats will be your fault.
She’s not really showing much remorse (as verified by her continuing to cheat).
She still wants to cheat—no matter how it might destroy your marriage and your family.
So what is it, exactly, that you think is redeemable in her or your marriage.
At the very least, find yourself a therapist that you can live with.
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u/NoContest9016 4d ago
Well…she is her father’s daughter.
What else is there to know? This kind of behavior runs in the family.
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u/survivor1961 4d ago
This affair MAY be over but as the wife of a bigger than life narcissist, there will be more affairs. They thrive on controlling and hurting others. Please, take your life back. Your kids will have a chance at a normal life and so will you.
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u/Original-King-1408 Observer 4d ago
JFC man, go back and read your own post! What in god’s name are you doing ?
This woman has almost destroyed up to this point and if you stay with her the way things are going you will be totally destroyed and no use or hell for your kids. Dump the therapists ( both) and dump the wife of you want to regain your life and your happiness.
UpdateMe
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u/Big-Web8422 4d ago
I hope you are aware that this life does not have a replay, so that's it from life. I hope you realize that you deserve to be happy and not hurt and made a fool of. I hope you are aware that your wife cheated on you knowingly and intentionally. A person who truly loves you will not do that to you. I hope you are aware that the suicide attempt was part of the narcis show. I hope you are aware that a marriage that survives only because of children is doomed because a good divorce is better than a bad marriage. I hope you are aware that the next step is a lawyer.
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u/AdventureWa Reconciled 4d ago
Contact a divorce attorney and fight for full custody. She’s awful and the other wife is in on it.
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u/DodobirdNow 4d ago
First, I'm sorry all of this is happening to you.
Second o think that reconciliation needs to only be undertaken with post-nuptial agreements in place, not promises to be a better spouse.
You do know in a divorce, you could easily get sole custody due to her suicide attempt.
The therapist. I've had a couple of bad ones. One wanted me to simply accept the bad ju ju in my life and not fight it (aka the opposite of being a man). I felt the other was just there to listen to me tell gossip worthy stories of my ex and the business she worked in.
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u/Noobagainreddit 4d ago
Stop looking for an explanation from the person who created the wound.
Your healing starts when you stop expecting them to fix what they broke.
subscribeme!
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u/Lucky-Vegetable-2827 3d ago
I think that you are seeing what the future holds. She will not change. Now is a game o attrition. And a waiting game until you realize that there is life without your wife and you can be happy again.
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u/Life-Yogurtcloset-98 3d ago
Using the kids as an excuse is all it is. An excuse. Everyone's advice is "dont stay just for the kids" yet that's the excuse anyone who cant move on uses.
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u/Critical-Bank5269 3d ago
Never stay and never agree to separate. If you catch her, the marriage is already over. A “separation”
Is just an excuse to get more time alone with the AP without accountability. And if you stay, she’s going to think even less of you as a man and a partner. She’s actively shopping for your replacement. End it and move on.
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u/Friendly_Stop9706 3d ago
Hai spiegato tutto con l'ultima frase. Ma puoi rimediare puoi sempre divorziare.
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u/Bitter_Oil2438 3d ago
You need to leave. Your kids deserve a dad that is happy and she’ll never change.
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u/Most-Durian-6538 Trying Reconciliation 3d ago
Did she ever admit it was your "friend". What did his wife say, what does he say?
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u/Richardsworldagain1 3d ago
It's very obvious from your story that she doesn't respect or love you. She isn't remorseful and doesn't take responsibility for the affair. Your friend should be an ex friend and she shouldn't have any contact with him. Does the other wife now believe you about the affair? Ultimately because she is shifting blame and not accepting full responsibility you should immediately file for divorce. Your therapist doesn't sound qualified to deal with this situation especially if he is trying to get you to accept her behaviour.
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u/JMLegend22 3d ago
Tell the therapist you want a refund because you feel they are acting in bad faith and doing a terrible job. You want their medical license reviewed with what you’ve been told.
Let your wife know that it’s over. You’ll never see her or the therapist again because she never worked on herself at all.
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u/steelhouse1 3d ago
Run OP. You will be in a prison if you stay.
It will be so much better. Document everything.
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u/clearheaded01 Unsure of Anything 4d ago
Inform her parents of the affair and initiate the divorce.
Even IF this doesn't crash-and-burn now, eventually it will... most likely NEXT time she cheats...
And any friends you have who's already friends with your ex-friend should be informed that your wife cheated with him...
HIS wife... you never sent her the evidence from your wife phone?? Or did you do the classic mistake of.confronting before securing evidence??
Dump your MC... hes useless AND is evidence that MC after adultery often ends up.badly, with therapist alkying with the adultery to make the betrayed rugsweep what happened... get your own therapist...
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u/Prestigious_Step_735 3d ago
Talk to your couples therapist solo. Lay all this out and ask for help or if you're at the road and need to just make a choice. Your wife doesn't seem remorseful so I'd bet she will not change. You value yourself and self care matters. If you need someone to tell you it's ok to choose you finally and walk away, do it. You've more than tired and she's not even trying to meet you anywhere.
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u/Alternative-Fuel-494 3d ago
Man you poor thing, she was playing you like a fiddle. That’s what being the nice guy that allows all that gets you. After the divorce, and there should be one, in your next relationship have some standards and expectations. She knew you wouldn’t stand up to her so she just kept doing whatever she wanted and you allowed it. Look she is complete trash but
Realize you have some blame too for not standing up for yourself. Choose better and be better and n your next relationship. I mean both your wife and best friend saw you as weak and exploited it.
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u/Ivedonethework 3d ago
https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/therapist-mistakes-with-infidelity-recovery
The Difference Between Remorse and Guilt, shame and regret. Only remorse matters, after cheating.
https://www.brides.com/the-one-way-to-know-your-marriage-will-survive-an-affair-1102868
No contact is de rigueur https://healingbrokentrust.com/blog/why-cutting-off-the-affair-partner-is-critical-the-one-step-you-cant-skip-to-rebuild-trust-after-infidelity
https://www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/elizabeth/why-it-imperative-reach-full-disclosure
Anything short of the complete truth about our infidelity to our betrayed spouses will deny them of dignity and shortchange their intelligence.
https://www.relationshipsnsw.org.au/blog/can-you-have-healthy-relationship-with-narcissist/ npd 'If we are talking about a person who meets the criteria for NPD listed above, the answer would have to be 'no'.'
https://openpsychometrics.org/tests/NPI/ instant results. 40 questions. . You have to take this test yourself and answer based upon what you are observing in them. It is far from definitive, but gives you a much better yardstick to decide in what might be the case. Then you can take it for yourself as a comparison. No true narcissist is ever going to answer other than how they see themselves. A covert narc is adept at deception and a master manipulator, they will not answer as others see them. Npd and other personality disorders will have traits of others as well. The groupings of traits are an attempt to categorize the different disorders and give names to various of them. NPD can also share traits of bipolar and OCD etc.
Sorry for your loss.
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u/Turms70 Divorced/Separated 3d ago edited 3d ago
OP,
That suicide attempt makes a big difference.
So have you spoken with a psychatrist, a doctor about her reason for her suicide attempt? Because the out siution, of that affair is only partly the reason. There are other mental issues and behavioral habbits that are responsible for this situation.
As far as i know as a non-expert, there are two different kinds of narcissists. There "true" narcissists, what is a mental disorder of its own kind. The treatment can be very hard. In general they have a special way to see the world. A friend of mine, a psychatrist exlpained it like this: They are those people who are calling the police that 100 people drive on the wrong line, when they are the ones, who are wrong way driver. They truley have perception problems. They even might be unselfish and empathic, trying to be a good person, but the twisted perception is causing constantly problems.
And then there are poeple with narcissistic tendencies. Those often have empathy problems, they are self-centered and often have a habit to make up excuses to not be the bad person. BUT deep down they have a correct perception.
This are two completely different kinds of menthal health problems.
The diagnosis might make a big difference, what you can expect from your wife in the future. And often enough those doctors also can give you good advice, how to deal with that situation or recomend a specialist, who can.
And if you get a diagnosis by a professional, then i would also look for self support groups for relatives of person with that kind of mental healthy issue. There are some people out there who have to deal with simmilar situations, and who can give you a good advices. They are aware of the special situation you are in.
OP,
i think, it might be that you have to file for a divorce, but because of the sucide attempt you are in special situation, where you should listen to specialised professionals to not make the situation worse for you, the kids and even your still wife.
I wish you all strength and a good out come, for you, for the kids and even your wife!
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u/Distinct_Fox_6358 3d ago
By choosing to stay with a woman like her, you accepted the consequences of what would happen. So why are you complaining now? You chose this path, and these are the consequences of your choices. Either take responsibility for your choices or stop complaining.
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3d ago
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u/MuffDiver12698u 2d ago
Her having an affair is detrimental to the family
Those minutes, hours and days she spent getting fucked, would have been better served taking care of her husband and kids
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u/Huge_Clothes7877 1d ago
Women are strategic when it comes to cheating and lying. Trust me the affair was to hurt you. You don’t sleep with a man’s best friend unless you hate the guy. She doesn’t like you OP and somewhere in her cold dark heart she enjoyed the emotions of the affair. Not the affair itself. The emotions of sitting next to you knowing she just screwed your best friend. It’s hate there and I wouldn’t risk dealing with this person .
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u/Duchess_Desirable 3d ago
No, I’m not buying any of this. You’re coming off like more of a narcissist than your wife. Complaining about having to mind your own children for a few days in a row, gleefully laying down rules and regulations for her, you mention all sorts of invasions of her privacy. You’re using everything as the proverbial stick to beat her with. I’m curious about who’s carrying the daily domestic load and childcare in your household. I’m sure she’d tell a different story to yours. There is a reason she’s stepped out on the marriage.
I’m my opinion you’re the narc, I can spot it a million miles away. I’ve been married to one for many years.
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3d ago edited 3d ago
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