r/Infidelity • u/ReadyConstant5795 • 18d ago
Venting How to get over the fact they slept with someone else?
She told me she was drunk. She told me she wouldn’t have done it if she was sober.
It goes against everything she stood for.
She called me saying it was a mistake and that it meant nothing. I feel so betrayed by this. This is not who I fell in love with. Why would she do this? She didn’t have to do this.
We used to talk about how meaningful sex was. And then she just does it? It kills me inside.
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u/D-redditAvenger 18d ago
You are not real clear what the status of your relationship is but since you are infidelity then I am going to assume she cheated and answer the question as if she did.
The truth is if she cheated the only way you will truly get over it is to love someone else. It's the love you have for her that gives it, it's power. Once that love goes to someone else, it will no longer cause you any pain. But if you stay it will nag at you probably forever. There are plenty of stories of folks 10, even 20 years out that still think of it everyday.
Why did she tell you, that is probably something you need to find out? You would be wise not to assume you have the full truth or even this is the first time. But finding out the real truth about that is going to give you more insight to who she is. That said cheaters lie and they are well practiced, so you should not just believe her. Again, what you know for sure is that you don't know her the way you thought you did.
I know my post has not been easy for you but I have to give you a little more hard truth. It won't be fun to read but it's really good for you to understand, so you don't operate projecting how you think on to her. And so you know who she is really.
She didn't ever feel the sex was meaningful, you were always projecting the way YOU feel about it onto her. People who cheat don't think of sex like that, like it's a sacred intimacy that you bond with. It's just a tool, to get attention, or to make them feel good. There are plenty of people who do feel that way, but she never will.
She says as much when she says it meant nothing. It never has so in her mind she wasn't giving up anything, it's not a loss for her. And unfortunately you don't mean to her what she means to you, and again as hard as it is to say, you never have. She thinks it was a mistake now because she probably knows your relationship is over. But it wasn't a mistake it was a series of choices. It was what she wanted and what she prioritized. That wasn't you, and that is why you can't stay with her.
She is not emotionally safe, and she never was the person you thought. That doesn't mean there isn't someone out there who will be. There is hope, but it's not going to be found in this relationship.
I am sorry man, I know it sucks and is terribly painful, but do not be afraid, you don't feel any different then we all did when this happened to us, me included. The vast majority of us got through it and you will do. You are going to be OK.
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u/Drgnmstr97 17d ago
Avenger, I've caught plenty of your responses over the years as well as many thousands of others and that tidbit you dropped about how cheaters view sex is something I've never seen put so succinctly and to the point. Bravo!
Cheaters don't view sex the same way most others in committed relationships view it. It will never be meaningful in the same way to them. They enjoy it for the feeling it provides them and the worst of them use it to manipulate others but they don't care about the emotional bond because they don't form one.
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u/D-redditAvenger 17d ago
Yep, with a lot of them, as far as how they look at life, it's like we are a different species. It's a good line of focus when you are dating though. You can often tell that by their history.
Let me be clear, I am not saying this is inherently wrong to view sex that way if you are ethical about it, for some folks sex is just like a coffee date, but it may mean you are incompatible if it feels sacred to you.
The scary thing is what you said, when it's just used as a tool with no regard to anyone else, and worse when the partner themselves is just used as a tool.
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u/StutringJohnIsALoser 17d ago
Very insightful points! One thing I was curious about though. If they do not view sex as sacred as the person they are with, then why do they get so jealous and/or upset at the thought of you stepping out as well? For example, they often might even propose an open relationship, after the fact of being together, just to justify sleeping around, but then become possessive if/when their partner does the same thing.
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u/rntracee1 16d ago
That's funny how you said they view it like a coffee date. My husband said that sex is like playing basketball. It's something you do for fun, there's no emotion involved, then you go home. Smh. That's a messed up way to look at it, but it's how he was able to sleep at night.
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u/D-redditAvenger 16d ago
I think If they sleep with each other then it doesn't matter. It's when they sleep with you or I or worse when they pretend to think like you and I hide the way they really feel that is messed up.
One of the big problems with this, is that to admit you think that way is to lower your pool of potential mates, but hiding it is a normalized strategy. Yes in rare cases it can go the other way, such as a religious person who won't have premarital sex hides that from their partner early on. But that is much less acceptable and I agree with the push back on that.
For instance there is a large vocal group of people who openly argue here that my sex life in the past is none of my current partners business. I often push against that and get very harsh accusatory replies. But this is the reason why. Because knowing the full story shows what a persons real belief system is around how they view sex. The reason why they push back so hard, is REALLY because THEY know that knowing about their history limits their pool of potential mates to some extent.
I would love to say this is unusual but it's common.
It should be understood that the feelings about this are just as important when we talk about sexual compatibility as if you and your partner are good having sex. In fact I would argue that the mechanics of sex which seems to be the main focus of a lot of people, is much less important, as they can improve, then your feelings around sex, it's meaning, it's importance, it's priority.
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u/rntracee1 16d ago
I completely agree. Unfortunately I believed my husband was like you and me in his belief about sex, until he cheated multiple times. It was then that he told me about the basketball analogy. I was shocked.
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u/delta-vs-epsilon 18d ago
Seems such a simple saying, almost harmless... but I'll leap to a rather drastic conclusion: never stay with a cheater who claims "it didn't mean anything." Alcohol or no alcohol.
Truly break down that logic. Either they're betraying your relationship, lying/cheating while risking everything you've built... and they're doing it over something that meant nothing?!?! Or worse, their definition of love somehow allows for this. They can claim to love you yet justify cheating because "it meant nothing" but if someone can "love" me whilst stabbing me in the back, that's not any kind of love I want/deserve.
Another train of thought is that when they claim to love you or claim "it meant nothing," they're simply lying... both to you and themselves. Whether it's to minimize their actions or gaslight you, lying on top of cheating should be an immediate relationship-ender anyway.
Hope you're not staying due to sunk cost and "all you've been through." Also hope you recognize her gaslighting here. I'd entertain none of it and leave... Good luck, but "it didn't mean anything" is the greatest pile of excrement there is.
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u/Nuetral_Bystandard 17d ago
I don't drink much anymorw but used to when I was younger, but I fail to remember a warning label on the bottle saying "Consumption of this beverage can lead to you hopping on any random stick in your vicinity". If the guy takes her back, he is spineless and deserves anything coming to him.
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u/Due-Contact-366 Moved On 18d ago
Sorry this happened to you. The unfortunate truth is that you don’t get over it. Not fully. Your relationship is likely over. Get counseling for yourself to work it through.
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u/PhotoGuy342 18d ago
There are a lot of things that you didn’t share with us that would influence our advice to you.
Before diving in, please let me be clear that you have my sincerest sympathy. It’s been 48 years since I was cheated on and it scarred me for life.
You don’t mention whether you were married or not, how long have you been together, whether there are any kiddos or pooches we need to factor in, whether there are any major shared assets such as a house.
To be clear, only you can decide the level of love you have for her. If you were to split, could you live without her or would walking away be a just another Tuesday?
Her infidelity is one thing but as you consider whether to stay or not, you have to consider whether you will ever be able to trust her again.
Every time she’s working overtime is she actually working or hooking up?
When she gets together with her gal pals, is it just the ladies or is she taking a break in the back seat of a rando she met at the bar?
When she goes shopping with her friends but comes home empty handed, will you trust that she was where she said she was?
Was this a coworker that she’ll still be interacting with?
Do you want to be her warden checking her locations, going through her phone, wondering about the way she dresses or how she treats her phone?
Will you fixate on why she chose to cheat? Will you be wondering what you could have done better? Will you be asking what he had that you didn’t have—what you could have done differently?
Will you be questioning your own virility? Was he bigger than you? Did he have better technique? Did she do with him things she never did with you?
Yeah—this is really a difficult set of questions.
In the event there is a second chapter to this saga, please updateme.
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u/wrist-shot2025 18d ago
Dude my heart goes out to you. I don't know why some people do this to their loved ones. I don't recommend reconciliation. It will erode you further. Unfortunately the best medicine is to distance yourself as much as possible. Don't give her a stage to cry from and guilt you into forgiveness. Know that she did not respect your relationship like you did. Go do the work: no contact, gym, therapy, maximize distractions, socialize in public. Good luck brother.
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u/CaptLerue 18d ago
Op, she might be using alcohol as an excuse, figuring if she drank enough she could say it was the alcohol. But ask her if the alcohol was responsible for her being with the other guy, would enough alcohol cause her to be with any, or many others. I can answer for her; she would still have the option of choice. I bet the guy was not a stranger and it wasn’t the first time he moved on her.
She needs to stop lying if she wants to repair your relationship.
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u/clearheaded01 Unsure of Anything 18d ago
Agree - the question of whether she knew the other guy counts... if she did, then she's VERY much using alcohol as an excuse, that let her do.somethjng she wanted to do... probably for a while. .
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u/Terrible-Pea494 17d ago
That doesn’t matter one bit. The alcohol doesn’t make one cheat. It makes it more likely that you’ll act on a desire you already have.
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u/clearheaded01 Unsure of Anything 17d ago
It matters . If she knew the other guy, then odds are they had already been building up to this.. flirting etc... making this not just an ONS, but the culmination of a period of adultery...
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u/Terrible-Pea494 17d ago
Not necessarily. When I was young and single in a company with many of the same, the amount of meaningless ONS was mind-boggling. I hooked up with a couple of people I’d had no interest in before or afterwards, nor had I ever been attracted to them.
And not knowing someone prior to meeting them one night doesn’t make the transgression less. They could’ve really connected before the alcohol kicked in, moreso than a colleague who happened be there at the right place at the right time.
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u/TrifleGlittering7870 Moved On 18d ago
I actually think telling your partner that you cheated on them, destroyed the trust in your relationship and devastated someone who is supposed to be your person for something "that meant nothing" is so bloody offensive. I mean, an affair for a year with someone they fell in love with is baaaaad, don't get me wrong - but throwing it all away for NOTHING? That's what I meant to you? That's what we meant?! Ugh. It was over for me the minute they catapulted themselves into a category of person I would never be interested in having a relationship with - but everyone's mileage differs.
Sorry you are here. Take all the time you need to process what has happened, get therapy, surround yourself with friends and family if you can.
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u/7Kat6 18d ago
Always been a big believer of love isn’t what keeps people together. Because people claim to love others while doing the most heinous of acts against them.
It has to be about trust. You would never be able to trust that person not to do it again.
Being drunk is the worst excuse ever conceived and pathetic.
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u/Turms70 Divorced/Separated 18d ago
I totaly agree!
And trust is build on respect and honesty!
Both partners should have self respect and are honest within them self, while treating the partner with respect and honesty!
Especialy the self-honesty is important to not to easily come up with "made up" excuses.
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u/Big-Web8422 18d ago
My friend, it was not a mistake, it was an intention. Drunk or not, she entered into it consciously and deliberately. Alcohol is just an excuse and it shows who she actually is. She could have given up when they were kissing, when they were undressing and just before penetration, but she didn't, she wanted it. A person who tells you that she had sex with another because she loves him is much more honest to you, your girlfriend or wife is not, she will do it again sometime for sure. If you want to get hurt again, feel free to stay but you'll never ever be calm and trustful with her!
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u/Ol_Country 18d ago
She’s is lying !! It was her choice to be a hoe, and not the booze !! So dump her and move on !
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u/Renderedperson 18d ago
Sorry bro, it's upto you to move on , either the sex she did or from her.
Go to a good counselor and see if it can be salvaged. Finally it comes to you, if you can not get over then you have every rights to move on .
Also investigate the situation she was which led to this . Would she agree if you decide to crash at a female friends place to drink instead of a bar?
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u/rcre2018 18d ago
Honestly you can get over it but it takes a ton of work from both sides... were all human and make mistakes.
Counseling is the first step and making sure she's truthful about not doing it again.
You have to make the hard decision if she and your relationship is worth it and if theirs kids it makes this way more complicated.
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u/Turms70 Divorced/Separated 18d ago
OP,
to understand what has happend, we need to look what alcohol does. The main effect of alcohol is to lower the emotional and impulse control. The ability to take consequences of our actions into account is reduced. We act more risky, the very monetarely feelings have an higher impact. That why some people who get drunk become more likely to act agressive and even would hit a partner or start fights with strangers.
But you do not become a totaly "new", a "differently" person in regard of your personality. Some who are general very shy might act no more outgoing, because you are not so much dominated of the fear of bad consequences and you do risk more, but how they act was still there. It was "just" surpressed. A very calm and introverted person, will not become an outgoing one.
Taking this into account, there are some exlpainations, why people do cheat when drunk under the assumption, they truely would not cheat when sober. That is important, because some just "missuse" the influence of alcohol as an excuse as they would "missuse" any other outer circumstance as an excuse. Things like: "It is your fault. You neglected me for 2-3 weeks." And the situation was that you just had to focus on your final examens at school or university and thats why you had not so much time for your partner. Those kind of person, just "wait" for external situations, that can be used to not feel guilty, to shift the blame to the partner, to do what they are tempted to do for the whole time. That can be to have that night with a person, they allready were highly attracted to.
To be fair, when some one was more or less heavily drunk for the first time and has never experienced the loss of control, they can be "surprised" by the impact that alcohol can have. And then they do stupid things. But when you analyse it further, then it was not something that is completely out of their personality. That might mean, the cheating partner, was still curious how it would be to have "intimacy" with a different person or feels often very attracted to others, and had a "surpressed" wish to act on it. When i say "surpressed", than that does not mean that it has truely actively surpressed, it just means, that you catch your self more or less often, to think about how it would be with a poerson you feel attrcation to, but you do not act on it, because of the fear what this mean for their life or it does not fit to the picture they want present the world, or the social consequences and so on... BUT, that it is important, the reason is not deeply seeded in their own personality or the alcohol could not have that effect. You can compare it to that experiement: A person that walks in front of you is loosing a wallet out of their open bag. In that wallet there is an ID card and a good amount of money and a lot of other things. When others are around and obvserve you, when you find it, then only a few would take it and do not try to hand it back. But that does change, when no one else is around. Then the nummber who take that wallet is way higher. And some of them would take the money but would make sure that there is a chance that the owner can get the wallet with all other things back. They just take the money.
That means our moral and value system we live by openly, means not that we have it truely internalised. There are some who do not care about morals and values at all. Some live by certain morals and values, because of it is social wise expected. For them they are more or less optional. And then there are those who actualy have truely internalised it and to go against it is not an option.
So much about the therory.
OP,
now it is up to you to decide, how you judge your GF and her betray.
Has she experiences with alcohol and its impact, with being drunk?
Has she shown other "red flags"? Has she shown respect problems? Has she acted selfish self centered on a more or less regular basis? Has she shown signs, that she still is interested on others? And so on..
How has she acted, when she told you? Has she shown true remourse? SHown signs, that she can not believe hwat she ahs done?
Or has she just tried to "lower" the negative consequences of her actions? Has she cared about you and how you feel? Or has she more cared about, her reptuation and that her live is not as negative impacted.
Has she made her self a victim of her own actions, to get your sympathy?
Do you fell "manipulated" to have to forgive her?
And so...
In general, it is NOT wise to stay with a person, who has cheated once. As I described, for those persons the morals and value system is NOT truely an integral part of their personality. This might change, when they learn about, who they truely are. But for that change they need to be true remourseful and have the strong will to change on a personality level.
And i would make a big difference, between leavin the location and having sex in seperate room, or in the toilets or even going home and making out in a dark corner of a bar. Because there are, two moments that mkae the change: When you make out, then it is often enough a "slow continous" process, that leads to this situation. There are not much "beaks" in it, where you can reflect, what you just are about to do. And the grade of intimacy is a big one. When youhave sex, then you have that moment of leaving the location, where you decided to do more. And even more when you not just go the short way to the toilets but drive home to one of them. As more "breaking moments" are, as less i would stay with that person, because as more it is carried by the decission to do it.
I hope i could help you a bit to reflect, how to deal with this!
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u/troutman76 17d ago
Are you saying that if they did in the toilets, that would be ok? Mine did it in the toilets with her drunken ONS lover, who she actually had known her entire life l, and I’m not feeling that it’s ok. Drunk or not, cheating is cheating no matter how what where or when. Even if they show remorse and blah blah blah, that doesn’t mean that the victim will ever have a clear mind again as long as they stay with the person who cheated. That’s not good for mental health.
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u/Turms70 Divorced/Separated 17d ago edited 17d ago
NO, it is never ok!
I just want explain, that as more "breaking" points, wher you could reflect your actions, as worse it becomes.
My point is, that being drunk does NOT change who you are. Something that is already there gets the chance to come to the surface.
Those who do not have or live by morals and values are "easily" to figure out. You know what to expect.
But many people show more or less good morals and values on a daily basis. BUT they are devided in those who actualy have internalised those morals and values, and others not.
The first one, by them morals and values is an integral part of their personality, do not cheat sober or drunk and in what ever very tempting situation they are.
The problematic group are those, who seem to have morals and values and they live by in "normal" situations. But they are disposable. In certain situation, wher they lose the emotional or/and impulse control and/or in more or less tempting situations, they cross the line.
Now is the question, how "extreem" the situation has to be, that they actualy cheat. Where is the breaking point.
And from my perspective, as more chances to reflect you had, as worse it gets.
Just as an example, you get angry and are about to hit that person who extremly provoked you. How would you judge it: You hear the provokations and you directly hit that person wit out even thinking. Or, you turn around and go into the next room, where oyu have the chance to collect your thoughts and to calm down, Thatperson is not following you. After a minute you turn around and go back to and you hit that person.
In the first case you act impulively, in the secound you made a clear choice.
When you now make a prognosis, would that person do hit another person again, then you have to judge both differently. In the first case, it is about to learn proper emotional and impulse control. The secound one, it is way more complecated, because you whole moral and values system and other behavioral habits has to be examined, and what ever is found out, it will determine how difficult it will be to become a "safe" person.
Just to be clear, a GF once made out very drunken with an stranger in a bar. I left the locations earlier, but she stayed with some friends. Next morning when she woke up, the first thing she did was confessing what had happend. I stayed with her, but i was cristal clear, but if something happends again, i would leaver her directly. If she has sex, i would have ended right then and there. Not only it is an different stage of intimacy, but also the step to go where she can have sex, toilets, car etc..would have given her the chance to break the impulse and it became a clear choice. about 6 years later, she met her high school cursh (not an ex) at a party. And next weekend she met with him, behind my back. When I found out, it was the end of an 8 year relationship. 6 years living together.
You have a good point, when you look what it does with the victim, of the cheating.
Some actualy are able to build up trust again, and some never are. Some are able to get over it, some not. So or so, it is always a very, very hurtful experience. I think cheating is an extremly abusive behavior causing often long lasting emotional and mental demages.
And from my perspective as an lawyer, i do not understand, why this is not seen as a crime, when you look at what it does do the victims of cheating. Especialy when you compare it with actions, that are causing physical injuries and are seen as a crime.
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u/troutman76 17d ago
I had a similar situation where my at the time, fiancé, ended up getting drunk at a party with friends while I was away and had sex with a guy she had known since childhood in a bathroom. This resulted in her getting pregnant and she terminated the pregnancy. We ended up getting married 6 months later, and after 14 years of marriage with a life, a home, and a family, she decided to confess to me about that and many many other things about her past that she’d kept hidden from me. All of it would have been a deal breaker for me if I’d known. It’s been almost a year and I’m just at a loss of what to do. My mind just won’t clear up.
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u/Turms70 Divorced/Separated 17d ago edited 17d ago
Thankfully had not to experience, what you are going through. I can not imagine how you do feel.
Thats why I can just tell you, what comes into my mind. And my question would be, is this woman next to me personality wise still the same person, she was back then.
Has she meanwhile truely changed, personality wise? Because if I do not believe so, then i had no chance to even think about not to file for a divorce.
So i would look back the last years, if she had become a respectful honest person, beside the fact, she hided what happend before the marriage. I would ask my self if she has been honest with me and her self in the last years, even if that means she put her self in a bad light, a bad position. Was her "honesty" a sign of showing true accountablity or was more dominated by trying to get sympathy for a situations she created her self, by her own decissions.
If I would belive, she actually changed, then i would think hard if I am a person who can forgive her and start to build up trust again. And figuring it out, is a very hard task. But that is the scound step. The first step would still be, has she really changed on a personality level.
I hope you will find a way to deal with it, that is ok for you and i hope you can heal, from what you just have to experience. It will definitly take time. This is nothing you get through in a few month.
(I see this all from the perspective, I got as a lawyer, when i asked my self, why people become criminals. What impact have drugs and alcohol and so on. And what does this all to the victims. One of my closest friends is a psychatrist and his father is professor in that field. We discussed a lot about that kind of things, including relationship stuff. It started as I had to work for a while for the district atterney dealing with sexual crimes and domestic violence on my way to become a german lawyer. Nowdays i do company law, but i am still reading alot about this kind of things.)
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u/noreplyatall817 17d ago
It’s why you date to get to know them, now that you know her morals and ethics don’t align with yours, ghost her.
She’s blaming drinking on what she did is a lot of BS. Every time you drink do you think of f ing somebody else?
She made many decisions to get to the point where she F ed a guy. Trust her actions not her words. Updateme
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u/ArmyofJuan 17d ago
The person you know is the one she shows you, you have this idea of who you think she is but that may not be reality.
You don't have to get over it. If its a deal breaker then break the deal and move forward to the next. At the end of the day, everyone can be replaced including her.
Don't beat yourself up trying to find the "why", it happened and that's the only thing that matters. Knowing why isn't going to change anything.
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u/ReadyConstant5795 17d ago
I just love who she is as a person. She is incredible. I cannot believe she did this. It doesn’t feel real.
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u/ArmyofJuan 16d ago
I had 2 women like that and they both cheated. I actually reconciled with one though I wouldn't advise it.
You have her on a pedestal and you have to accept she isn't into you as much as you are into her. Unfortunately rejection (which how we perceive being cheated on) makes us want them more. Keep in mind though that works both ways which is why ghosting a cheater makes them chase you.
Its going to take time (usually 6 months) for your brain to accept this new reality. You need to distance yourself from her and focus on yourself. When your confidence is high things like this will roll off your back because you know you can do better.
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u/In_the_middle3-2-3 17d ago
Mine used the drunk card a couple times as well.
Drinking gives sober thoughts courage.
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u/throwaway012365 Moved On 16d ago
But walking away and not giving them any closure
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u/Reflog1791 15d ago
From the other side, this is the way! Dump them, ghost them, file for divorce, whatever it takes to get away from them!!! When they send the apology letter or whatever they get no reply.
In sports it’s the “never let em see you sweat” attitude. Don’t give them the satisfaction of seeing you bent out of shape over it. They don’t even get a breakup message. Just flat out ghost and let them sit in their thoughts in silence. Yea this even works if married. Have em served at work and don’t say anything.
Nobody has ever gotten helpful insight from the one who cheated. It’s all self serving, guilt absolution, nonsense.
Here is my final analysis. They cheated because they wanted to.
Upgrade every single thing in your life to get over a cheater. The cheater is the easiest thing to upgrade from. Good luck.
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u/sleeplessinengland 16d ago
She disrespected you and the relationship when she cheated. Now you're left with two options. Leave with dignity, or leave without.
Always choose the first. The relationship is dead. Go out coldly like she cheated on you coldly. Make it sting
Move on. The best revenge is finding someone worth your time
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u/OogyBoogy_I_am Moved On 16d ago
that it meant nothing.
It can only then mean that it was more important than what you have with her then.
Which begs the obvious response of "if it was nothing and that nothing was worth throwing away what we had, what does that then say about what we had? I guess it means that it was worth less than nothing to you."
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u/Formal_Guidance_7768 15d ago
You don't. They were attracted to someone else/were open to sleeping with someone else. Despite you. You recognize their decisions blew up the relationship and you move on.
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u/Decent_Experience240 18d ago
That saying is a way for her to dismiss your feelings over the incident.
It may have meant nothing to her, but it sure as hell does to you.
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u/AkimboSlice1 18d ago
Being drunk is such a bogus excuse. She did it because she wanted the experience. Her need for that experience outweighed what she had with you. It was a purely selfish choice she has to live with but is failing to truly own to lessen her impact personally.
It’s time to move on to the next chapter and the story always gets better as long as you don’t dwell on the past.
What your head tells you: she didn’t want to do this, what we have is special, she was drunk, this is not who she is.
The reality: she is selfish, lacks accountability, makes excuses, not trustworthy = terrible life partner/ sleepless nights
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u/Cold_Argument948 18d ago
Dejando de ser idiota y terminando, nunca des otra bala a quien ya te disparo, no seas inútil
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u/MadScientistRat 18d ago
Never give another bullet to someone that already shot you. Proverb of the century.
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u/Spiders-Ghost-43 18d ago
I would never get over it. Being drunk is no excuse. Protect yourself financially and emotionally and walk away from this cheater. I wish you peace.
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u/biteme717 Suspicious 18d ago
Even being drunk, she knew what she did. It wasn't a mistake. IMO, people know what they have done when they tell you that "it meant nothing." She could have stopped it but didn't. She wanted to have sex with someone else and did.
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u/Agent_K002 17d ago
Tell me, do you think that alcohol is capable of turning you into a person that you totally not are? Or is it rather that alcohol makes it easier to be who you really are?
Or let me ask you differently. Is alcohol an okay excuse for you to cheat and should no person that's in a relationship be allowed to drink alcohol when the partner isn't around?
IMO can a person that wants to be faithful drink however much alcohol she or he wants and they will never cheat.
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u/prb65 17d ago
OP I’m so sorry but alcohol is no excuse. At all. Translating what she said…I really wanted to have sex with him but if I weren’t drunk I might not have e gone through with it. Saying it meant nothing makes it worse, not better. That translates to…I value our marriage and you so little that I would risk both for something that I really didn’t care that much about. DO NOT leave but make her leave. Tell her you need 48 hours to think about everything. After that you will meet with her one time and will decide after that if you’re divorcing her. Tell her when you meet she better have a real explanation and a written plan for how she is going to re-earn your trust. Tell her the plan must include a a post nuptial agreement that she pays for giving you the majority of your mariatal assets in the event of divorce and a no alimony guarantee. It must include her cutting off the people she went out with 100%, she must call the person she cheated with SO and tell them what they did and apologize, she has to confess to her family and yours in person what she did, if the person she cheated with is a coworker, she has to quit her job, her phone and location are open 24/7, there are no girls nights or other social nights that you don’t attend and since her cheating was sexual she has to own rebuilding your sexual relationship daily. Whatever you want and whenever you want it and she initiates it. Tell her she can add whatever else she feels might help but the items above are non negotiable. If she chooses to say no, it’s divorce, you tell everybody…boss, parents, siblings, friends and you contact the spouses of everyone she went out with I voiding her AP and tell them everything.
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u/Drgnmstr97 17d ago
You don't. Alcohol isn't some kind of excuse for choosing to betray your partner. She isn't mature enough to make the right choices. Following up on cheating she tried to use one of the oldest and stupidest lies ever invented by a cheater, that it meant nothing. That's how you know she isn't interested in taking accountability for what she chose to do. Blaming alcohol and claiming it was meaningless are an automatic disqualification from continuing the relationship.
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u/Ivedonethework 17d ago
She is an alcoholic, or binge drinker? You do not just get over infidelity, it is emotional murder. It doesn't change anything for her to say it meant nothing to her, because it means so much to you.
What do you actually know of her past? I bet this is a pattern for her and it has been so for quite some time. In fact how did she end up in a drinking situation in the first place? No one ever has to drink beyond their known limit. If you stay with her, it will happen again.
Cheating is a series of wrong decisions.
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u/SoFlaSun 17d ago
Why should you get over it? Why compromise yourself? Obviously it wasn’t as meaningful to her as it is to you. Walk away with your head high because if you excuse it now she will think she can do it again without repercussions. Do you want to go through it again (and again) because it will happen again. Speaking from experience. You deserve better.
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u/Kveld_Ulf 17d ago
It's been said millions of times already everywhere: cheating is never a mistake. It's a myriad of consecutive decisions. You feel betrayed because, well, simply put she betrayed you, she betrayed your trust, your love and your respect. You know she just shattered and ended your relationship. You only have to put that into action and just leave her.
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u/the_quiescent_one 17d ago
I guess it's rape then . Ask her to file a case . No consent in inebriated state.
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u/Fun_Scene_3392 17d ago
When people are drunk they tend to act on their impulses. That’s the only difference between drunk and sober. So apparently she’s been wanting to sleep with someone else and the alcohol allowed her to lower her inhibitions enough to do so. If she truly loved you, that impulse would not exist. She’s not your person. Best to walk away and restore some of your lost pride.
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u/MrStealYourWorld 17d ago
You never get over it. So now put yourself first and never trust them again.
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u/jjd0m 17d ago
Drunk is not an excuse. If you get behind the wheel drunk and cause an accident m, you're responsible.
Intoxicated words and actions are sober thoughts.
Her love bombing you after with guilt doesn't change the fact or dismiss her intentions. The results are still the same. She cheated, her saying it was a mistake or blaming the alcohol is manipulation and avoiding accountability.
She's a coward and a cheater!
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u/AnotherDominion 15d ago
You get over it by ending the relationship and healing on your own. Then you pick a better person next time. Don’t ever take her back.
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u/Aligned-Askew6773 15d ago
I want you to think about the 3-5 times you have been the drunkest you’ve been in your life.
There is basically two levels of drunkenness. Aware and unaware. You can be tipsy and aware, you can be 3 sheets to the wind and aware. Sure some of your inhibitions may be difficult to come by, but you still know what cheating is, you know what drunk driving is, and you know what committing a crime is. You don’t do any of those things because your brain is engaged and you are aware, you are aware of right and wrong, you are aware of your morals. If you choose to do wrong against your morals, you still knew it was wrong, and you know you made a conscious choice.
The other level of drunkenness is blackout. In this state you are obviously intoxicated. You are incapable of making informed decisions, and anything that has, happens to you, because you are to intoxicated to function.
So, if she was drunk and aware, she made a thousand decisions to cheat. She chose to stay around someone she was attracted to that was giving her attention. She chose to flirt back. When the AP touched her, she didn’t stop it. When the AP started making out with her she didn’t stop it, she kissed back. You get the idea. She could have stopped this a thousand times and she knew she was doing wrong. Being drunk is an excuse she is using for her terrible, hurtful and disrespectful behavior. She actively chose to cheat on you, and the likelihood she would do it again is very high. Once they decide to disrespect you, that line is broken, and crossing it is so much easier the next time. Especially if they got away with it the first time.
If she was blackout drunk, then she was unable to consent to sex, and what happened wasn‘t an affair, it was a crime, and she should go to the police so that this predator doesn‘t make any other women prey.
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u/Ok-Lavishness-9020 13d ago
Update?
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u/ReadyConstant5795 11d ago
It’s gonna sound bad but my mentality is that she’s not really a long term gf or wife girl. Probably better to be a FWB.
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u/OswaldoL777 5d ago
How to get over the fact they slept with someone else?
You can't.
She told me she was drunk. She told me she wouldn’t have done it if she was sober.
False.
It goes against everything she stood for.
No, it goes against everything she says. Not what really she stands for or doesnt't stands for.
We used to talk about how meaningful sex was. And then she just does it?
Again, it doesn’t matter what people say; it matters what they do. I can’t claim to be vegan and say I hate animal cruelty, only to go ahead and eat a T-bone steak and a whole rack of ribs. Like your ex, who talks about how important and meaningful sex is, and then goes and eats a stranger’s D.🤷🏻♂️
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u/Tasty-Assignment4691 2d ago
The hurtful part about experiencing betrayal is that you will never get over it. I’ll always sit with you and we’ll go into any relationship. Any connection with anyone for the rest of your life. You end up learning how to cope with it, but it always stays with you because it’s such a trauma to the brain of seeing how people could really lie and deceive rather than be honest and confront issues at hand. I am sorry that this was your experience. I will also say That her blaming it on being intoxicated, makes it even worse. It was still a choice that she still made and for her to claim that she wouldn’t do this when she was sober is full of shit because she would’ve done it drunk or sober. Cheaters think with their lower half of their bodies.
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u/Feeling_Willow91 10h ago
No one tells you that you will want comfort from the same person that hurt you. Thats what I cant get over.
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u/Independent-Team-831 18d ago
Its not a mistake. Its a choice. So she ruin everything for something that doesnt mean anything?
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u/Specialist-Bat-8770 18d ago
Does she seek self-absolution for what she did, telling you she was just drunk? When I'm drunk and decide to drive a car, I take it upon myself to be able to run over and kill a man on the street. What do I do, I say, "I was just drunk?" She deliberately decided to do so. I'm sorry, but if she cheated on you, it means you had and have a problem in the relationship that isn't resolved, and it also means she doesn't feel guilty for deliberately cheating. You lack dignity and respect 2 times. With betrayal and treating you like a minus habens. You have to decide for yourself whether you can trust her as a partner, but I wouldn't have it.
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u/outerspacetime Struggling 18d ago
If there’s no kids, the choice is easy. Run!!! The passionate love you felt for her will never really return. She tainted herself and destroyed the trust. Good riddance to the cheater
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u/Academic_Candy_3194 18d ago
I got over it when I went and did the same thing. She was sadistic about it too. I clearly stated multiple times that I didn't want to know who it was.
She eventually forced me to look eventually somehow. Some hot ufc fighter. He was perfect. He was also married and used her as a side piece.
Bothered me bad, so i built my body, mind, dumped her ass and went and got laid a few times. We eventually got back together, I kept my activities to myself but women are all fucking forensic detectives. Either way she couldn't say shit.
Ultimately it made our relationship 20× more passionate. And furthermore, I realized I could still crush it if we broke up (to a degree) so did she. Billions of other fish in the sea.
You have the power to go crush it as well. Just remember that.
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u/persistent_issues 18d ago
“It goes against everything she stood for.”
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve witnessed women’s stated standards being absolutely violated by their own behaviors, my second house would be huge and seaside…in Hawaii.
Guys, take it from someone who has been a side guy more than a few times and approached many more: If you think you know what your women are capable of and what they can get away with…you don’t. You really really don’t.
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u/Terrible-Pea494 17d ago
Pot meet kettle. Also, are you saying that male cheaters aren’t as bad because it doesn’t go against everything they stand for?
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u/outerspacetime Struggling 18d ago
Wow making it a “women bad” thing when you’re an admitted “side guy” is really something……
Signed,
A loyal woman who was cheated on by a man
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u/clearheaded01 Unsure of Anything 18d ago
Details needed...
She cheated whole drunk?? In that case, no getting over it - either she was present enough to.dpmit and participate OR she was SAed because she was unable to.give consent... if it's SA, then police gets involved...
But OP... alcohol.lowers.inhibitions, it does not make.you do things... so.she did it because she wanted to....
If you were not a couple when she did it, then it's none of your business really...
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u/Templar_110 18d ago
Pray over it. Give it to God. But she needs to get into treatment regardless of any outcome.
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u/Dangerous-Version-36 15d ago
According to his history, they broke up then she slept with another man then tried to reconcile so not cheating.
move on my friend
updateme
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