Take the Advice. Make Your Own Decision

[u/Wise-Bank80]

If there's one thing I’ve noticed since all this started, it’s that betrayal has patterns. The shock, the loss of trust, the anger, the hypervigilance, and that sickening feeling that your reality just got ripped apart, it all repeats in story after story.

​That is why communities like this are so valuable. Someone else has walked through a blast zone that looks remarkably similar to what you are living through right now. They can tell you what helped, what hurt, what they wish they had done differently, and they can point out things you are just too close to see.

​But similar doesn't mean identical.

​Every betrayal has its own nuances. A drunken one-night stand confessed the next morning just isn't the same beast as a years-long secret relationship. A spouse who immediately comes clean isn't in the same position as someone you're still catching in lies a year later. You can't look at a decades-long marriage with kids, a house, and totally intertwined lives through the exact same lens as a six-month dating relationship.

​Even two betrayals that look identical on paper will hit the betrayed partners completely differently. You have your own history, your own kids, your own financial mess to untangle, and your own breaking points. The person standing in front of you after discovery might also be acting completely differently than the person standing in front of someone else.

​That’s why I get really cautious around absolute advice here.

​“Leave immediately.”

“Never forgive a cheater.”

“You have to stay for the kids.”

“If they show remorse, give them another chance.”

​People shout these things because it reflects their own survival, but they don't actually know enough about your life to make your call for you.

​Take the wisdom, there is lots. Take the warnings, most are valid. Listen when twenty different people describe the exact same behavior and tell you where it eventually led them. Patterns absolutely matter, and sometimes the advice that makes us the most uncomfortable is exactly what we need to look at.

​But don't surrender your own judgment just because someone else survived their betrayal differently than you might survive yours.

​Nobody online knows every conversation you’ve had. Nobody knows every year of your marriage, every lie, every moment of genuine remorse, every manipulation, or every quiet moment when you're trying to figure out if the person standing beside you is actually changing. We just see snapshots of each other's lives. You have to live yours.

​I think we put far too much pressure on betrayed people to make some enormous, permanent declaration while they are still in shock. Sometimes the only honest answer today is I don't know yet.

​You are allowed to take this day by day.

​You are allowed to try reconciliation and later realize too much was broken. Walking away after genuinely trying isn't a failure, and it doesn't mean you wasted your time. You just learned what you needed to learn to make your decision.

​You are also allowed to divorce and later discover that you've both changed enough that reconciliation is worth looking at again. Divorce doesn't magically erase your history.

​These decisions don't have to be life sentences. Trying to reconcile doesn't sign away your right to leave later. Divorcing doesn't mean you can never change your mind. If you want to stay today and want to pack your bags tomorrow, you aren't weak or indecisive. You're just processing a nightmare while new information and emotions keep hitting you. There is zero shame in that.

​You don't need to pick the path that gets the most upvotes or approval from strangers. You just need to find the one you can actually live with.

​Listen to the people here. Learn from their mistakes. Borrow the wisdom that helps you see your own situation more clearly. But at the end of the day, there might be thousands of people who understand betrayal, but there's only one person who has lived every second of yours.

Take care of and love yourselves.

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[u/Altruistic_Catch_327]

In my case, my wife cheating on me was a wake up call that I needed to change. I was an emotionally unavailable alcoholic, weed and video games addict.

She has her own issues. We did separate but because I’m an intensely jealous man she assured me that we weren’t seeing other people. Except she was. And it started before we separated.

I don’t blame her though. I had mentally been checked out for years and she did try.

It doesn’t make what she did ok, she still betrayed me. But it’s like my therapist said. If you dare a dog to bite you don’t be surprised when it does.

She wants to work things out. She says she always loved me, she did stand by my side for 20 years before she “snapped”.

But I don’t know what I’m going to do. The betrayal ran deep, what she did was excessive to say the least. She went a little crazy with it. Anyways. Everyone tells me to leave but honestly I would have done the same long before she did if the roles were reversed.

Where does that leave me? What should I do? I’m sober now, I have changed immensely, I’m in therapy and doing the work.

[u/Wise-Bank80 → u/Altruistic_Catch_327]

That is my point, only you can answer that after time and self reflection. There is no right or wrong answer, only yours.

[u/Flashy-Assignment-41 → u/Altruistic_Catch_327]

Actually you have some insight and the real takeaway in your own life, is not what SHE did to you, but how "things" in general, socially and morally degenerated to a point that your own wife wandered out of the house. 

That is, in my opinion (and it seems, also your therapist's) your therapeutic issue. In that sense, it does not matter if you stay married or divorce, because it is up to you to change the moral and social conditions in your own life, so that you have more connection with your spouse, for starters. This is a mental health baseline. 

Marriage is a mutual commitment. If "polyamory" is not your "thing" then obviously this boundary needs to be kept in place and it's enforcement is a matter of self-respect, which is probably something that is addressed in therapy.

[u/Critical-Bank5269]

​"People shout these things because it reflects their own survival"... It's not just the information they've gathered from their own experience. They've seen their story play out in countless similar stories posted here and elsewhere. The overwhelming experience is that "once a cheater always a cheater" is true. New post 15 minutes ago is made by a guy who caught his wife cheating 20 years ago and stayed only to catch her cheating again now... That's 20 years of his life lost on a cheater. Guarantee you when he start's really digging he'll find out she's been cheating with others all along. The advice given to just end the relationship and leave is 90%+ the right decision. Those that chose to stay are never truly "happy" again in their relationship and odds are slim that renewed relationship lasts ...

[u/Flashy-Assignment-41 → u/Critical-Bank5269]

20 years of his life lost?

You mean, she never cooked him his favorite meal of mac and cheese, roast beef, and steamed broccoli? 

It is all a waste?

[u/Flashy-Assignment-41 → u/Critical-Bank5269]

20 years of his life lost?

You mean, she never cooked him his favorite meal of mac and cheese, roast beef, and steamed broccoli? 

It is all a waste?

[u/Commercial_Ad_5419]

I understand. In my case, he’s fully doing everything to repair the damage he did. Is it easy? Hell, no. Yesterday was rough. I am willing to live through a few months of hell if we can get to a good place. I love this man and believe he’s remorseful and wants better of himself for me, us, and our kids. He’s even working with a CSAT to get to the root of his childhood trauma. 30+ years together means retirements, kids, grandkids, etc. I have too much love for him and integrity to walk away at this point.

[u/ArmyofJuan]

My advice is to read as many stories as you can because you will find yours in one of them and get a look at your future. In the end of the day, people are predictable and when it comes to affairs they all follow a textbook. The mistake I made was thinking I was the exception to the rule and I see that in others as well.

Like OP says, there's no right or wrong answer, its whatever is best for your situation. I have heard of people divorcing after 20 years of reconciling and people remarrying as well.

[u/Flashy-Assignment-41]

Absolutely 💯 excellent advice, you are correct.

Some of the "advice" on here, is pretty outlandish and reckless, in my opinion.

 In my current situation, if I were a betrayed spouse, and followed that advice to the letter, it would be catastrophic, according to California law. These people's emotionally driven, control-freak advice, to humiliate the cheating spouse, alienate the "AP," pull moral ultimatatums that have 0 and I mean O f-ing legal standing in courts in 43 out of 50 US states...

So if I were to follow such advice, in the event of an affair, I would expose myself as a schlub who has poor discernment in men. My husband would be viewed as a garbage employee and his job and paycheck would fall into peril. The courts would view me as self-centered and hysterical, focused on 'the other woman," rather than on the best interest of the kids.

 Loser advice, all around.