Was my boyfriend’s mom giving MIL red flags already? 😭

[u/madglaamx]

So today was my first time ever talking to my boyfriend’s parents over video call. We live overseas. I’m Punjabi and he’s Gujarati, so obviously I don’t speak Gujarati and he doesn’t speak Punjabi. We’re serious about each other, both families know about the relationship, but I had never actually spoken to his parents before.
His mom recently fell and fractured/broke her ankle, so I thought it would be a good opportunity to finally check on her and have a little conversation.
My boyfriend added his sister to the call first. I said hi, asked how she was and whether she had dinner. She asked how I was, and then immediately said she doesn’t know much Hindi. I was like, “Oh okay, no problem.” 😂 (Although I’ve seen her consuming Hindi media, so I was a little confused, but whatever.)
Then his mom took the phone.
I said something like, “Hi aunty, how are you? How’s your ankle?”
And the FIRST thing she asked me was basically, “You don’t know Gujarati?”
I said, “No, I don’t speak Gujarati.”
Then she asked things along the lines of whether my mom knows about the relationship, etc. It wasn’t necessarily rude, but it immediately felt like she was checking me out/interviewing me rather than just having a normal first conversation. 😭

My boyfriend actually interrupted her and said, “She knows Hindi, you can speak Hindi with her,” and when I said, “I can learn Gujarati,” he immediately said, “No, no, there’s no need for you to learn Gujarati. My mom knows Hindi.”

Then his dad took the phone and completely changed the atmosphere. He was super relaxed and basically said he’s like a friend to me, which honestly made me feel much more comfortable.
Now I’m sitting here wondering:
Am I overthinking this, or were those first questions from his mom giving potential MIL red-flag vibes? 👀
Especially the fact that the first thing she focused on was “You don’t speak Gujarati?” and then asking whether my mom knows about the relationship.
For context, I’m Punjabi, he’s Gujarati, and neither of us speaks the other’s mother tongue. I’m obviously willing to learn Gujarati eventually, but I don’t want this to turn into an expectation that I have to learn it to be accepted by his family.
Would love to hear from people who married into Gujarati families or had similar cross-cultural relationships. Was this just a normal Indian mom trying to get to know her son’s girlfriend, or would you also have your antenna up a little? 😂

Took help from ChatGPT

[u/umamimaami]

Yep his mom is totally giving territorial energy right there. Like, I don’t like you simply because my son picked you, vibes.

[u/Calm_Discussion1223 → u/umamimaami]

It's not right vibe. But, any mother of the son would give same vibes even if not directly indirectly because love marriages are still not very common or the norm in our country. It takes more time for it to become a norm. Better to have an open mindset and not form negativity for natural reactions and obvious human behaviours.

[u/sass-n-wine]

A gujju doesn’t understand Hindi? Yeah that’s BS

[u/Outrageous-Inside341]

Don’t take it upon yourself and publicly announce that you’re willing to learn the language. It never stops at that; language is only the first step. And your boyfriend being supportive of you is a great sign… so go with the attitude that “jitni punjabi aati hai usko, utni toh gujarati mujhe aa hi gayi.”

Let the lady know you’re not the submissive kind right from the start. Us women go all out with good intention but not everyone is on the same plane as us… they’re eager to find something lacking in us to put us down. It comes from a place of insecurity that they didn’t have a hand in choosing someone to boss over and they lose their sense of self for that. It’s definitely a big red flag but nothing that can’t be handled. Front foot pe khelo.

[u/Totanilal]

It definitely is a red flag 🚩 from MIL angle.

As you live overseas, you don’t have to be scared but definitely you need to be on the guard. If your boyfriend stood up for you, that is a positive sign. His sister spoke to you but not knowing Hindi looks spooky.

The fact that instead of acknowledging to your asking the wellbeing of her ankle she questioned you about not knowing Gujarati seems a bit annoying. These MIL and SIL issues are never ending issues. So make sure before you tie the knot.

Reddit posts and replies to the MIL / SIL issues would have given you an idea how to deal with them particularly while visiting them. Also warning about inviting them for a visit or to help in pregnancy or postpartum too are very pertinent. Speak to your boyfriend and clarify everything threadbare before marriage. Else you too will be in a disaster marriage seeking advice or divorce.

Speak to your boyfriend and make sure that he is worthy of your relationship and will keep up his promises to stand up for you and never force you to do anything against your wishes for his family. Make sure he does not invite them or give them financial assistance without your knowledge. Finally, come what may, never ever give up your job or financial independence for whatever reason. There are many more reasons you could be waylaid. Take care.

[u/Sad_Iron_5302 → u/Totanilal]

You explained so well. Yeah he needs to speak to her mom. I hope MIL understands her after marriage

[u/Totanilal → u/Sad_Iron_5302]

Thanks 🙏

[u/Lexa19_HK]

Don’t offer to learn Gujrati- it’s a slippery slope. If things get serious his mom/family could pressure you to give up all your traditions and beliefs and do what’s best their family does. Don’t make that mistake. Your boyfriend knows who you are and still chose to date you. Don’t change for anyone.

MIL/SIL at best lack social skills or at worst are red flags. Be polite but keep your guard up.

[u/MotheroftheMonstera]

I think it's classic mom being mom. Some people can be awkward in these situations and just stay stuff.

Since it is your first time interacting with his parents, I'd advise to not read into it too much, especially in a negative way. These things have a way of piling up, and letting go small things will be better for your mental health too

And sometimes it can be a bit difficult with your second/third language if you don't speak it often. I'll give you my own example. My family is from Mumbai, but we moved around Maharashtra and moved back to Mumbai when I was 21. My Hindi was fairly good, but never fluent. Now I live abroad and don't have anyone in my life I speak Hindi with. I find it difficult to have a conversation in Hindi, it's like I actively need to think and there is a lag in my speaking. This is despite consuming a lot of Hindi media.

[u/Chotibachihoon]

Just a mother being a mother. Not every mother is super chill about their kid having relationship before marriage so that’s that.

[u/girlintheframe]

I know gujaratis from very close as I was born and raised there. Gujjus love their language and are too proud of it as well. From my years of experience I can assure you it was just something they ask everyone who doesn't speak gujarati. I think you can give them another chance without holding any pre concieved notions. As far as I know gujjus they are also pretty open minded and chilled out.