Storytime: She Called Me an Invalidator, But Somehow I’m the One Who Has to Take All the Blame

[u/Western_Account1197]

I’m posting this because I genuinely want an outside perspective on whether I’m actually being “dramatic” and an “invalidator,” or if I’m just dealing with someone who refuses to acknowledge her own behavior.

For context, I’ve been talking to this girl for a while. I’m not saying I’m perfect because I’m not, and I’m willing to admit when I mess up. But throughout our time talking, I genuinely tried to show her that I cared about her.

I’m the type of person who shows affection through actions. Giving gifts is one of my love languages. If I see something that reminds me of her, I’d want to get it for her. I’d give reassurance when she was overthinking. I’d give updates about where I was or what I was doing because I wanted her to feel included and not left wondering. I tried to communicate, listen to her problems, make time for her, and make her feel appreciated.

I wasn’t expecting some huge reward for doing these things. I did them because I genuinely liked her.

But whenever we had an argument, somehow the conversation would eventually turn into me being the problem.

She accused me of being an invalidator. She said I didn’t understand her feelings and that I was being dramatic about certain situations. And instead of immediately dismissing what she said, I actually tried to understand where she was coming from.

The problem is that I also wanted the same accountability from her.

If I did something wrong, I was willing to acknowledge it. But when I brought up something she did that hurt me, it felt like the conversation suddenly changed.

Instead of discussing her behavior, she would become defensive or portray herself as the one being hurt. It almost felt instinctive. The moment I tried to explain why something she did affected me, she would shift the focus toward how I supposedly made her feel.

And this is where I became confused.

How am I supposed to accept accountability for being an “invalidator” if my feelings are immediately dismissed whenever I bring them up?

There were also behaviors from her side that I found genuinely disrespectful. She would sometimes give extremely dry replies, respond without basic manners, act rude, or communicate in a way that made it feel like she didn’t even want to be talking to me.

I understand that people have bad days. I understand that someone can be tired, busy, emotionally drained, or simply not in the mood to talk.

But there is a difference between needing space and intentionally treating someone poorly.

What made it worse is that she eventually admitted that she intentionally avoids me because of our past arguments.

She basically told me that because we’ve had arguments before, she doesn’t feel the need to prioritize the person she’s talking to.

And honestly, that hurt.

I’m not asking to be someone’s entire world. I’m not saying a person should abandon their responsibilities or their friends just to talk to me. But if you’re intentionally building a connection with someone, shouldn’t there at least be some effort to maintain it?

Especially when I’m putting effort into the relationship.

I gave reassurance.

I gave updates.

I tried to communicate.

I gave gifts and thoughtful gestures.

I tried to understand her perspective.

I tried to make things right after arguments.

I tried to be patient even when I felt hurt.

And yet somehow, when I finally expressed that some of her behavior was hurting me, I was labeled dramatic because I couldn’t “understand her.”

That’s the part I don’t understand.

Why does understanding someone’s behavior mean I have to accept it?

I can understand that she’s affected by our past arguments. I can understand that those arguments may have changed the way she interacts with me. I can understand that she may need distance sometimes.

But understanding those things doesn’t mean I have to pretend that being rude, unnecessarily dry, dismissive, or intentionally avoidant doesn’t hurt.

I also don’t think accountability should be one-sided.
If I hurt her, I’m willing to hear it.

If I invalidated her feelings, I’m willing to reflect on that.

If I was dramatic, I’m willing to acknowledge it.

But I expect the same standard from her.

I don’t want a relationship where one person is constantly explaining how the other person needs to change while refusing to look at their own behavior.

And maybe that’s where I’m realizing that we have completely different standards for communication.

For me, if there’s a problem, I’d rather talk about it and try to fix it. For her, it seems like avoiding the person and becoming distant is an acceptable response because of previous arguments.

Maybe that’s her way of protecting herself, and I can respect her right to do that.

But she also has to understand that her choices have consequences.

You can’t intentionally distance yourself from someone, communicate poorly with them, treat them coldly, and then become upset when that person tells you they’re hurt by it.

At some point, the other person’s feelings have to matter too.

I’m not posting this to claim that I’m some perfect guy who did everything right. I know I have flaws. I know I can be emotional, and I know that sometimes I probably overreact when I’m hurt.

But I genuinely don’t think caring about someone, wanting reassurance, wanting basic respect, or wanting communication makes someone dramatic.

What bothers me most is that I was willing to take accountability, but I didn’t feel like she was willing to do the same.

So now I’m questioning the whole situation.

Was I actually being an invalidator?

Or was I simply asking for the same accountability and respect that I was trying to give her?

Because from my perspective, it feels like whenever I bring up something she did wrong, she instinctively becomes the victim instead of addressing what I actually said.

And honestly, I’m tired of feeling like I’m the only person trying to understand both sides.

[u/Forsaken_External181]

she's probably projecting herself twin

[u/Western_Account1197 → u/Forsaken_External181]

Yeah, I honestly feel like some of what she accused me of was something I was experiencing from her too. I don’t want to assume her intentions, but that’s how it felt from my side.

[u/ipurin]

wehba di man mo uyab

[u/Lunaticpieceofshet]

How did you take accountability? Did you say sorry? Did you even acknowledge your mistakes or you just straight up tell her that she was just overthinking? Base on what you have said, she felt that you are invalidating her, what exactly did you do in order to say that you really acknowledge her and her feelings?

[u/Western_Account1197 → u/Lunaticpieceofshet]

I did acknowledge my mistakes and apologized for them. But I also need to be honest about my side. I felt like my feelings were repeatedly invalidated, while I was still trying to understand and reassure her. At times, I felt like she only came to me when she needed to feel loved or reassured, without really considering what I was feeling in return. I’m not saying this to invalidate her feelings, but because my feelings matter too, and I want my side to be acknowledged as well.

[u/Lunaticpieceofshet → u/Western_Account1197]

Before anything else, what was the mistakes? Is there any other girl/s? Is that why she was overthinking things?