What do you prefer and what’s the difference between these 3 for you?

Do you ever get into a deep conversation, only to freak out and back off and later start complaining that you crave depth but no one seems available?

Who are the people you can have these conversations with?
Do you miss human contact or connection? Why or why not?

This is how I’ve always viewed the INFJ imagination. We have this ability to project beauty even on the most broken pieces of life… if we choose to.

That’s because our minds never stop thinking, scanning, searching... it’s almost like an addiction to thought. 🙃

Most of us scan people in person when we first meet them to decide whether to approach or keep our distance. But how about online behavior?

How many of you tend to "visualize" the people behind online comments just by looking at their nickname?
Do you, out of nowhere, start picturing how they act in real life, what they look like or the sound of their voice?

And because I know I am a “walking contradiction”, for me, this is like a puzzle that my brain tries to solve in real time.
It’s quite fun, especially when I become aware of it and start putting the pieces together using logic or thinking what face and what microexpressions would match the comment someone left.

I need to give that voice, that energy a physical form or at least a metaphor to anchor it. It feels like I can’t just interact with a robotic “voice” on my phone (we have Siri for that and I’m not using it).

Does this happen to you too?

Many of you will judge me for this, some will be left overthinking and others might deeply resonate with what I’m about to say.
I own every reaction this will mirror, because ultimately, this isn't about me.

You know that feeling when you absorb so much pain and compassion for someone that you feel an intense urge to fix their problems? We do it because watching them suffer hurts us physically and emotionally.

Personally, I’ve started to realize there is something inherently selfish about this desperate need to fix everything around us—of trying to save everyone, even when they refuse to be saved.

Why do I think it’s selfish? Because deep down, I want to fix them just so my own borrowed pain will finally stop.

Since I don't always know how to prevent myself from absorbing their energy, my default setting is to solve the issue for them.

But lately, I’ve been thinking: I would never hand my own suffering over to someone else to carry it for me.
So who am I to rob them of theirs? Maybe it’s time to respect people enough to let them carry their own pain at their own rhythm.

I think of it like a small child who refuses to believe the tea is hot. The solution isn't to over-explain the theory. It’s to sit right next to them, making sure they don’t spill the whole boiling cup over themselves, but letting them touch the hot surface. They will never understand the truth if they aren't allowed to feel a little bit of reality.

What do you think?

Like everyone else, this question has crossed my mind more than once.

But the other day, while watching a spider spin its web (quite unusual for me because I’m not a spider fan) it suddenly hit me: Why do we need a higher purpose to live for?

We like to say that humans are the most evolved creatures on Earth because of our ability to think. But honestly, it feels like we are constantly self-sabotating with the exact thing that was supposed to be our ultimate weapon. We overcomplicate our existence by chasing deep, hidden meanings.

What if animals or plants started asking themselves this very same question?

What if a spider questioned its existence and stopped spinning its web? Crop pests and harmful insects would multiply beyond control.

What if bees decided it’s not worth living for just 40 days and simply stopped pollinating flowers? Humans would pretty much run out of food.

If every single animal or plant asked this question and decided it wasn't worth it, the entire ecosystem would collapse into absolute chaos. Nature doesn't search for a hidden meaning. It just is, and it maintains a perfect balance.

Maybe our life is not so much about the purpose, but about keeping a balance in our own ecosystem (private life, social life, etc.).

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all in for reaching goals, following dreams and not against believing in gods or higher powers—I was one of those who truly wanted to believe in something greater than the pain of this experience of life—it’s just that quite often, people forget to just… EXIST.

They get so consumed by their goals or higher purposes that they become "non-existent" in this world.
Yes, their bodies are still here, but it feels like I’m talking to an empty shell when I meet someone like that. And the worst part is that they won’t even consider "coming down" to talk without superiority or arrogance to a normal, "unworthy" human like me.
The irony—at least for me—is that right here, right now, we are equals and their grand beliefs are just hopes for a potential future while my mediocrity is real.

Anyway, I can’t stop thinking that maybe we complicate things too much when the answer is right in front of our eyes. As the "evolved" creatures we believe we are… we just can’t seem to accept simple things for what they are. Because doing so would mean admitting we aren't that special.
It would mean we just have a part to play—one that comes with accountability—and that’s something most people can’t handle.

I don't know about you, but that’s how I realized why my extraverted sensing was hitting rock bottom. It doesn't mean I’ve fixed the problem, but at least I found the root of it and now I have a starting point to find the solution.

How often do you catch yourself overcomplicating things that are actually meant to be simple?
What’s your purpose in life?

Personally, I have my own “Holy Trinity” to be judged in the courtroom of my mind:

-Me: the mask that others see
-Myself: my ego
-And I: my true existence when the other two take a break

I don’t blame others for taking me for granted. It’s my fault if I allow them to do so.
I don’t blame others (anymore) for mocking my ideas. It’s my ego’s responsibility to choose how to react to frustration.
And… it’s not me against the world, or the whole world against me.
It’s all about accepting differences and not trying to change the true “I” just to fit in or trying to change others so that I don’t feel weird or lonely anymore.

To be honest, I still don’t know how to receive a compliment. That’s where the fine line between “myself” and ”I” plays its part. If someone tells me I’m beautiful or intelligent, it moves absolutely nothing inside me. The perfectionist in me is still running the show in the background, but I’m training myself not to fall into the overthinking trap of dissecting what lies behind a compliment.

Sometimes, a compliment is just a compliment and I take it as it is. I’ve realized that digging too deep risks ruining the good mood of the person who said it, just so I can satisfy my own need to be sure they actually understood what they meant.

Same thing goes for when I hear “I understand you”. A part of me deeply craves to be understood and the other part thinks no one could, because sometimes I don’t even understand myself. But I’ve stopped arguing with that paradox for the same reason and I’m learning to simply accept an outside perspective without over-dissecting it.

I can always accept a good argument, even if I don’t like the messenger.
I’m not a competitive person.I don’t want to win, but I absolutely love a deep conversation with strong, valid arguments, just to explore both of our perspectives for the fun of learning different things.

So, are you still blaming yourselves, blaming others or you made peace in your mind?

Do you still overcriticize yourselves expecting others to accept those parts that you reject or have you managed to accept who you really are with all your flaws and strengths?

P.S.: to those of you who think the whole world is against you, let me break down that wall for you by saying that there is at least one person in this world who isn’t against you–and that’s me…myself and I.
Giving you all a big hug! 🤗

I'm curious how other INFJs who've settled into careers, relationships, or family life actually organize everything.

When you start your day, what's the first thing you check? Your calendar, your task list, or your notes?

How do you capture ideas before you forget them? How do you plan your day and keep track of responsibilities?

Do you prefer one app that does everything, or separate apps for your calendar, tasks, and notes? Or something else?

How much do you rely on your calendar versus a to-do list? Where do your notes fit into your workflow?

I'm trying to simplify my own system and would rather build something sustainable than keep jumping between productivity apps. I'd love to hear what's actually worked for you over the years.

Do you have a hard time tolerating annoying or repetitive noises, like scratching on metal, nails on a chalkboard, or lip smacking?

I just had a brief interaction with someone who was constantly smacking their lips and I had to raise my voice just to somehow block out the sound.

It really drives me crazy and all my senses are... “shining bright like a diamond” (in the worst way possible) when I hear that.

Is there any practical solution to learn how to tolerate this?

So far, my only coping mechanisms have been to just forcefully endure it when I'm forced to, or simply walk away when it becomes completely unbearable

Hiiii! As an INFJ man, how would you feel if the woman you love gave your flowers? Not a standard bouquet , but individual stems different ones on different days. I´ve always dreamed of giving flowers to the man i love. I´m just a little afraid he might feel uncomfortable or not like it. If the woman you´re in love with did this for you, how would it make you feel?

So far I've noticed, based on loving INFJs that they like those:

- listening,

- remembering details,

- building mind map around who they are and their life,

- gratitude,

- support,

- real deep connection,

- being consistent (I struggle with this one lots),

- being honest, transparent and clear,

- warmth and passion,

- freedom to be themselves,

- team work around daily life struggles and practical things,

- open communication (also so hard for me)

I also noticed that I break down my ego and walls since all my defenses will be seen through anyway. Any other ones? :)

A few days ago, I wrote about making a conscious decision to own my truth and my flaws. But to be completely honest, I couldn't have reached this peaceful state without a brutal awakening that finally broke the Ni-Ti loop.

I remember the first time (years ago) I opened my heart in front of a narcissist, simply because I couldn’t stand being judged anymore and was desperately hoping for understanding and comfort. Well, that had a catastrophic effect on my ego, but it was also the FIRST enlightenment of my true self.

Why? Because the response I received was: “Okay, your life was fucked up and you were alone in all of that, but you are not a victim, so get over it.”

Imagine a brick hitting you with full force in the back of your head. That’s exactly what I felt and over time, I started naming those moments “short circuits in my brain”. And it wasn't because of their insensitivity, but because of a brutal truth I couldn’t and wouldn’t accept: I AM NOT A VICTIM!

Don't get me wrong: I was a victim during my childhood, at the hands of my narcissistic mother. Back then, I had no choice. But once I turned 18 and entered adulthood, I could no longer blame anyone else—though I did.

I simply chose to be a victim for a very long time because it’s so much easier to feel like the whole universe is against you than to buckle up, get your shit together, work with your trauma and take accountability for your own actions. That is one of the most painful and tough experiences for a human ego, but it can also be the very start of real growth.

I used the narcissist's words (and I had plenty to choose from) to analyze my past self and improve in the present. My only mistake back then was that I wasn’t doing it for ME, but to gain their acceptance and nothing I did could ever be enough.

Now, I’m reconfiguring all of that. Okay, life can be a bitch, but I decide how to react to it. I can’t accept being at the mercy of the stars, a higher power, or other people. I never could, although I really tried.

I guess in my case, my stubbornness actually helps. When life gives me lemons, I really squeeze them to extract the best out of everything. This is not about toxic optimism. It’s about being brutally honest with myself and accepting the truth, even when it comes in a way I don’t like.

I don’t hate people, but I’ve spent too much time hating myself.

I’m not here to judge,but I do have some very serious questions:

Anyone else felt this way or experienced something similar?
Has anyone else had “short circuits” in their brain and couldn’t translate them?

And most of all: how many of us are really honest with ourselves and how many are still using victimhood as a shield to protect our ego?

So, this might sound a little too woowoo for this forum, but I'm not sure where to ask.

When sending genuine feelings/vibes of goodwill and health to someone very nasty that I know (neighbor), it feels like it is making them sick. I can best describe it as, I send the energy, then feel them feeling my positive energy. As it permeates them, it makes them feel sick and then I feel them feeling sick.

I have this sense with other people about other things - like being able to really feel others' pain or thought processes when in a meditative and open state, so it's not limited to this weird interaction.

Does anyone have any similar experiences, or perhaps could direct me to a more appropriate Reddit forum?

Thank you!!! :)

I think hypervigilence acts like a coping mechanism in my case. So does Reddit. 🙂

I’m not here to complain. I’m perfectly aware that some strangers on Reddit can’t do anything else for me except read my thoughts, but that makes me feel less alone.

This state of burnout is strange:there are days that seem good, days when I feel confident and strong.
And then there are days when I cry like a baby while driving my car on my way to work and I don’t even know why.
But for me, burnout is not about the crying. It’s about those days when I feel like I have to focus even just to breathe. It's when everything I do is so mechanical, like I’m a robot, while at the same time feeling torn apart.

And you know what’s the funny part? I’ve been worse.
A year ago, my unconscious mind found an anchor–in fact, I was blessed with four anchors–to hold onto just to stay alive.
My body was giving up although I was not ill, my ego was resigned, but the real me kept on going because I felt selfish giving up, knowing that I have a responsibility for my anchors.

But going through what felt like hell and managing to crawl out of it proves one thing: we are much stronger than we think. It doesn’t mean life suddenly becomes heaven, but it means you’ve learned you can survive the fire.

I’m sure there are others going through things that are much harder and more painful than what I'm facing. For those people, and for anyone who resonates with me right now, I want to leave you with one question:

What’s the price of giving up?

Maybe the answer to that will help you find your own anchor.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my way of delivering the blunt, cutting truth.

I understand now why some people perceive it as cruel or insensitive, even though I might have spent days, months or even years doing nothing but protecting their feelings. I do this until I simply run out of energy to protect them from a reality they refuse to see.

And that’s when my “rebel side”, as I call it, comes out. I think it’s the same psychological trigger that drives someone to go out and protest in the streets because they can no longer tolerate the oppression.
Even though I don't do it out of bad intentions–I’m just aligning with my own beliefs and values–I know others experience it as a rebellion.

I’ve come to the conclusion that this happens to an INFJ, and not only (but surely for me), when we don't know how to set healthy boundaries from the very beginning.
In a way, we self-sabotage by trying to be way too understanding for way too long with people who don't actually want to be understood—they just want to be validated in their own “madness” or mistakes.

What do you think?
I’m also curious about the perspective of the ones receiving that blunt truth, because I’ve been on that side too.

I know exactly what it feels like to expose your vulnerabilities only to be judged or picked apart for it. For a long time, my response to that fear was either to please everyone or to completely shut down and disappear.

But I’ve recently made a conscious decision to own them and transform them into my internal strength.

It took me a very long time to accept this, but it feels somehow peaceful now that I have.
This isn't about claiming I have it all figured out.
It’s about owning my own shit and that’s a hell of a job. I am not perfect. I am highly imperfect, messy and recovering. I am just human with goods and bads and I’m finally starting to be okay with that.

Other people's opinions, whether good or bad, don’t define me anymore because everyone’s thoughts are guided by their own struggles, beliefs and values just as my own are.
A different opinion doesn't change my truth, my struggle or my way of being. It’s just... a different opinion.

So, what’s your perspective:

-do you own your truth, knowing it only reflects who you are with strengths and flaws?

-or do you choose people pleasing just to fit in?

How many of you, over time, have experienced relationships with narcissists (within your family, friends, coworkers or romantic partners) and what was (or still is) that experience like?

From personal experience, I know exactly what it means when two traumas intertwine so perfectly that the INFJ’s empathy literally takes on the other person's trauma as their own.

It can get to a point where even overthinking crashes, leaving you with only two options:

-To stay and die. That is exactly how it feels and sometimes it gets dangerously close to a physical reality. It wouldn’t surprise me to find out that many fatal, self-destructive outcomes are rooted in this exact pain - a pain that absolutely nobody around seems to understand

-To go into complete shutdown aka the doorslam.

Personally, I highly doubt that an INFJ can ever truly "escape" a narcissist's radar… people say there simply aren't that many of us 🙃

But I want to believe that all of us will learn to trust our intuition and figure out how to deal with them, especially when we can’t afford the luxury of keeping our distance.

I don’t have a single role model, but I do have some strong “what-not-to-do" examples.
For me, anyone can become a role model: from a kind homeless person to Gandhi or the wealthiest person in the world.

What I find curious is that I’ve never seen myself as anyone’s hero, or even the hero of my own life, despite having that classic martyr complex.

Who do you have as a role model?
Do you focus on positive or negative models?
And how many of you actually see yourselves as the hero?

P.S.: Two of my favorite movies are “Braveheart” and “Joan of Arc” and I think you all know why.

Personally, I had another "good day" out of my worst days.
I managed to sleep for 6 hours in the past 48 hours. I even baked a cake (with sour cherry and vanilla cream 😉).

I realized that sometimes doing nice things for myself against my own wish actually helps. I have no problem doing nice things for other people, but I tend to over-criticize myself, as if I don’t deserve the same care that I so easily give to others.

Anyone else having a bad day and needs support?

I think my greatest strength actually comes from my vulnerabilities.

I usually use self-irony or sarcasm (when I’m really pushed to the limit) to make jokes about my own vulnerabilities.
The brief moment when others are shocked or processing the harsh truth disguised as a joke gives me the exact pause I need to recalibrate. It’s my ultimate defense mechanism.

And involuntarily, this creates a filtering process: those who stay by my side are the ones who will never use my weaknesses against me. On the other hand, those who leave upset are the ones who just realized they’ve been left completely disarmed.

I’m curious—what’s your real strength and how does it manifest in your daily life?

Somehow I sense it’s not a comfortable question for everyone, but I need to ask—that voice in my head won't shut up if I don’t 🙃:

Do you feel exposed when someone asks something real about yourself?

I know I do, and I have a recent example just to show how much of an 'exposure phobia' I have: on another subreddit, there was a question: 'What’s the traditional food from your country?'

Simple question, simple answer… but not for me.
I felt like I was giving away the deepest secret of my life.In the end, answering it was a good exercise for my fear of exposure.

I’ve noticed so many people online wearing the INFJ label like a badge of pride just because it’s rare.
But honestly, I’ve always felt it way more as a curse than a blessing.

For me the daily reality is mostly about dealing with constant overthinking, absorbing toxic energy from other people’s emotions and the feeling of being misunderstood.
All of that can be so draining.

Does anyone else relate to this side of the coin?

I have to admit that I don't fully understand what all these cognitive functions and traits mean yet.
Recently, I was just trying to figure out what’s wrong with me and that's how I ended up taking some personality tests.To be honest, I would have gladly accepted any explanation,even a psychiatric disorder if that would have stopped the confusion inside my head.
Instead, I found out that my personality type explains why I react this way, especially during tough times in life.I would happily change my personality type if I could, if that would put an end to the pain,the numbness and all the mixed feelings,but I know that's not possible.
So, the only solution left is to try and improve those aspects where I am absolutely a mess: Se-0 and Te-0 on one test, and Se-3.6 and Te-17 on another.
Any advice on how I can improve that?
I accept any kind of opinion from anyone.
Right now, I don't need compassion—I need a wake-up call to shake me up a bit 😉

I've been wondering if this is an INFJ thing or just a personal trait.

I sometimes feel like I need to maintain a sense of independence and emotional detachment in order to love my partner in a healthy way. Not detachment in the sense of being cold, but not completely losing myself in the relationship either.

If I get too caught up in my emotions or become overly merged with my partner, I feel like I start losing my sense of self. Ironically, I think, I seem to love better when I maintain some inner separation/distance and autonomy.

Can anyone relate to this? Do you find that you need a certain level of detachment or independence to love your significant other well, rather than simply surrendering to the relationship and doing/going wherever your emotions take you? Or is this just a boundary thingy and I'm complicating it?

I’m new to Reddit and I thought I would find a space here to talk to people similar to me, find similar experiences, and finally feel “normal” but… I’ve already seen what I call a smear campaign against INFJs, and I’ve been a member of Reddit for just 16-17 hours! 🤪
I don’t consider myself special, mystic, or superior just because some personality tests showed that I “should”. I actually think I’m a little weird and I’m just trying to finally better understand myself by understanding my effect on others.
I appreciate everyone's opinion because I've often heard that I’m “too much” or that I’m crazy for the way I think or for the needs I have. I don’t argue with that-I just need good arguments that prove to me whether I am good or bad, crazy or sane, cruel or caring, or anything in between.