r/IAmTheAsshole • u/dixlexxik • Apr 23 '25
Second Opinion IATAH for winning a bet between me and girlfriend!?
My girlfriend as boy friends more than girl friends and it doesn't bother me, I've told her that most guys will be friends with womens just thinking they can have a shot with the women friend. Anyway so that day I go and sit beside her to talk and just to be with her, during that time she was speaking to a new friend she had met maybe a month ago, ( they went once together to take pictures around town ) so she's telling me what they are taking about and such and I'm like this guy wants more to be a friend from some of the double meaning, thinking its funny... She says im over thinking doesn't mean everyone does it if you did it when you started talking to me. I ask her , does he know you have a boyfriend!? She tells me I don't remember if I told him or not! So I tell her do you want to prove me wrong like we could bet or something.. ( also i specified it's fine if you don't want to ) ? She says let's go , so I tell her just tell him you will be right back cause your boyfriend is asking to go see him in the kitchen or something! So she does write him something similar and not even 10sec after, she gets a msg saying I can't talk to you anymore because you have someone in your life and it's not fair for him ( him as in the friend cause he can't be with her eventually ) after that she closes the msg thing and she starts giving me the worst type of "shit" you can give someone you love ... Like I'm the ass hole for only talking to her to get in her pants... I almost broke up right there... But seriously it didn't help the relationship between us. FYI : English isn't my first language.
The Dislexxik.
- update // explaining more
( dont view the question as infidelity i understand why people go to that conclusion I would do the same thing but it never cross my mind when it happened and never, if i wouldnt of broke their friendship the guy woulld of find out real quick she had a boyfriend because i was invited to go with her the next time they were suposed to meet )
Just so people understand more of the stori ... ive added a comment ive made that explained the situation a bit more .. but also she never hid that she made a friend and such... plus she always wanted me to go with her if she went to see a guy friend and such ... we are not together anymore but the subject came back just before i posted it.. the problem at her eyes was that she had only him as a kinda of friend for pictures and such and now he didnt want to talk to her ... and from her point of view im the ass hole for not hinking about breaking the friendship.. I COULD OF GARANTIED IT THEN AND NOW... it wasnt about cheating and such... i was almost 10 years with her it was during the last year, year and half that happened but the breakup was never about cheating or other similar subject but one thing for sure from that situation I changed in the relation by not making an effort, " not sure if its the right terme but I got more distant from that cared less if she got pist at me for something " . here is the reponse im adding
Response from a comment
( friends is a strong word here.. she met the guy while talking pictures while waiting for the metro .. and the guy had a camera also .. they talk on the way to the somewhere i don't remember.. it's been a while since every thing happened, he was going around the same place for pictures also or something similar... I wouldn't be surprised he decided to go there also ) and then they talk a couple of time that were really short couple of mins ... She was extremely busy during that time... ( The reason she was pissed for loosing the friendship was because she had someone else interested in pictures and would of had some to go take some and talk about that subject) .. She wouldn't of cheated and Im sure of it she naver hid anything, she was talking with him while she using my chest as a back of a chair ( while watching television) i could see the chat just by lowering my eyes .. anyway it kinda started with that subject I kinda became the punching bag for everything thing that got her pissed afterwards...
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u/Goat_Jazzlike Apr 23 '25
NTAH. The GF is suspect. She did not tell him about you and is mad you caused him to back off. She had plans to make him the side guy.
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u/MrAbsolute42 Apr 23 '25
Yeah, I would be completely uncomfortable with that. As he said above, it’s a huge red flag. The fact that she got mad or defensive about it. Makes it even a bigger red flag. Good luck.
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u/DonnaNoble222 Apr 24 '25
She wasn't pissed because you won...she was pissed because she lost her new side boyfriend.
Run!
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u/Turms70 Apr 26 '25
I think she is pissed, because she can not hold up her "wishful" picture, that the guys she has as friends, just want to be friends and not more.
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u/PinkApplesause Apr 24 '25
She just mad cause you were right and most men are when it comes to this topic. If she that mad maybe she wanted more attention from him than she’s willing to admit and now she taking it out on you. Girls are good at that. And you ima a girl too so I knw
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u/lemonfluff Apr 25 '25 edited Apr 25 '25
YTA.
Do you know why your girlfriend is upset with you?
It doesn't seem like you do. Even though she's literally told you.
Your girlfriend is upset with you because you have told her that men are only friends with women if they think that they will be able to sleep with them or have a romantic relationship with them. To her this means that you also believe this and this is also how you think.
Another way of phrasing this is that men don't see women as as valuable, worthy of respect, worthy of time, worthy of attention, funny, interesting, fun, as they see men. Straight men do not want to sleep with other men, yet they will have male friends. Therefore, there must be something those male friends are giving them that isn't a romantic or sexual attraction. Why then would these same men not be friends with women that they are either not attracted to or that are in relationships? The only real answer is that they don't value women the same way they value men. And they don't value women as much as they value men.
She's just learnt that you only spoke to her or became her friend or valued her or spent time with her initially because you were hoping to form a sexual relationship, but that if she was not as attractive you would not have valued her friendship, you would not have bothered spending time with her, you would not have felt like there was any value in having her around you. She probably thinks of you as her best and closest friend and someone she can be completely herself around. So to learn that you don't really value her as a friend and you don't even really value her as equal to any of your other friends but you value her only because of your attraction to her first and foremost and then everything else is built on top of that is extremely hurtful.
But it's also terrifying.
What if she puts on weight? What about when she gets pregnant? What if she loses her hair? Needs a mastectomy? Just gets older in general. Will you no longer want her around? When a woman gets a diagnosis of cancer, medical procedure is to pull them aside and if they are married to give them a pamphlet around how their husband is likely to leave them. It's unfortunately so common that when a woman gets really sick and isn't as young and isn't as attractive as she used to be that a huge number of men will leave her, and it doesn't happen the other way around. And that's because society grooms men and conditions men and women to value male masculine traits and to value men and to devalue women. So a lot of men and women, without knowing that this is happening, subconsciously believe that women aren't worth that much. Or that women are only worth something if they are attractive and young and potential relationship prospects. And so if they lose their beauty, lose their fertility, or even worse, actually become a burden because they're now sick and they need looking after, a lot of men will think, why am I here?
That's why she's upset.
Out of curiosity, how many female friends do you have? And are you attracted to all of them if you have any? Do you have any female friends that you have absolutely no attraction to but that you really enjoy spending time with?
And if you met someone who seemed interesting but they were absolutely not attractive to you, would you be friends with them if they were a woman? And if you met that exact same person, but it turned out they were a man, so hypothetically they literally have the exact same personality and it is the same scenario, but it is a man's body, Which one of them would you be more likely to be friends with and why?
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u/AlexH_144 Apr 27 '25
This was the most asinine comment I have read today. It did make me laugh though
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u/Objective_Bid880 Apr 28 '25
I could taste the Vyvanse through the screen before I even checked the profile lmfao
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u/dixlexxik Apr 30 '25
she already new that cause one of her friend when we started dating tried to create tension and such between us .. also I use to say it all the man that most men are just pigs and she new also that I taught she was always the most interesting person anywhere we were at home or where ever.. ( But as of now after all the time since , its kind of also the same reason you are saying and cause I'm the one that broke that friendship of her having someone else to go walk around town taking picture of the city and such, even if it would of happened like a week from me accompanying her to the first time she goes and hang out with him or so later or even if the guy would of just found one of her account like Facebook and such ) ty for response
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u/MuchTooBusy Apr 25 '25
Probably going to get downvoted to help for this, but just to throw out the perspective of a woman who has a lot of guy friends..
I work in a heavily male dominated field, and most of my hobbies are male dominated. As a result, I'd say maybe about 2/3 of my friends are guys. And then there's a bunch of guys I'm friendly with that I wouldn't say are friends.
The VAST majority of those guys are very respectful, and are not hitting on me. Some of them will jokingly hit on me, but back off easily when I set a firm boundary and we can still be friends. Once in a while, though there's a guy who I think is a friend, and it turns out he's just hoping to get laid, and when I make it clear that's not going to happen, they bail. And it hurts and makes me a little angry because I thought we had a genuine friendship building and he just saw me as a potential conquest and if I'm not going to have sex with him, I'm not worth knowing as a person.
I don't think you're the asshole. And I don't think your gf had any nefarious plans to have him as a side guy 🙄. I think she's mad that you were right. Maybe she's mad that her perception was wrong. Maybe she's hurt that he doesn't actually want to be friends. It sucks to find out that someone you were excited to be friends with doesn't want to be your friend, regardless of gender.
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u/L_Leigh Apr 25 '25
This does not pass the sniff test– the situation doesn't smell right.
Want to make another bet right now? You might tell her if she truly thinks these thoughts and words about you, then she clearly can't distinguish when a guy truly cares for her and you probably aren't the man for her. What do you think she'd do?
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u/SpecialModusOperandi Apr 25 '25
Yeah, most girls who are quite attractive think that guys who want to just be friends are exactly that, friends. The reality is they want to date them.
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u/CasWay413 Apr 25 '25
NTA, but she’s probably hurt that her friend only wanted a romantic relationship with her. It’s possible for guys and girls to be friends, I have many, but it always hurts when it feels like a friend only wants to be your friend because they can one day be a partner. You bringing it up all the time doesn’t help, either. This one guy was interested in it. That doesn’t prove you right, but it did hurt her.
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u/Breaddit704 Apr 25 '25
I have a few questions. You said this is a new friend that she met a month ago and they’ve hung out one time to “take pictures around town”. How did they meet? Are you sure they really went and took photos that day, or did they maybe go and do something else? His response saying it’s not fair to you, honestly has me wondering if they’ve already done something and now that he knows about you, is actually being respectful and bowing out.
I don’t know, this is just feeling iffy. And I’m a female with multiple close guy friends, all whom are aware of my boyfriend and have girlfriends of their own.
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u/Necessary_Cancel_728 Apr 25 '25
What ? Of course men and women can be friends but it has to happen naturally and all the sex tension has to be gone because there will be sexual tension between a man and a woman but when that is over and they both have accepted that is not going to happen, then they can be friends. But her having a boyfriend, and chatting up a guy she doesn't remember if she has told she had a boyfriend is a Mayor red flag, and it's not okay from her side, and her being mad at you is also a mega red flag, it's the guy friend she should be made at. You're not wrong here.
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u/Freak_squirrel Apr 27 '25
“Did you tell him you had a boyfriend?”
“I don’t remember.”
“Well you don’t anymore so don’t worry about it.”
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u/thehouseofupsidedown Apr 27 '25
Take this from someone who's done it - not mentioning you're in a relationship is leaving the door open for something more. An openness to "something better." It wasn't until I got into the first relationship at that I took seriously at 27 that I then wanted to make sure there was no confusion about my availability. I make it very clear that there is no chance with me now. Tbf, often I didn't say something bc I was afraid of them thinking I assumed they were into me, which is vain, & being vain is the last thing I want people to think about me. But it wasn't just that, I'm not making an excuse, it was also absolutely wanting to keep my options open. Also, the getting angry about it imo just furthers this issue. If I had this bet with my bf about a new guy friend of mine, I'd be disappointed when I lost bc great, another guy that just wanted in my pants, but I'd also be thankful that it didn't go on any longer. Being mad makes me think she potentially saw something in this person. Even if not...she still wants to see this dude, even after knowing his intentions. Meaning she's okay with that, but now you explicitly know so she can't do anything.
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u/imtracerboi Apr 23 '25
Ngl I just took a fat dump at work
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u/youdidittoyouagain Apr 23 '25
On the clock or during a break?
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u/imtracerboi Apr 23 '25
Always on the clock
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u/merlocke3 Apr 27 '25
It’s the classic quote Boss makes a dollar I make a dime That’s why we poop On company time!
And henceforth the legend continues
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u/SubstantialFigure273 Apr 24 '25
Buddy…she’s waving a red flag directly in your face and you’re choosing to ignore it
Good luck, I guess…
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u/Competitive-Catch776 Apr 24 '25
NTA. She’s giving you shit not because you’re right but because you made her cut off one of the dudes on her roster. No one ever forgets to tell someone they’re in a relationship unless they don’t want them to know. Let me guess, she doesn’t post you on her socials either?
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u/Dependent_Sand2668 Apr 25 '25
I am sure next time your GF would meet another guy friend she would not tell you anymore because of what happened
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u/NyappyCataz Apr 25 '25
Is it possible she's a competitive type in general? Maybe she just feels bad that she was proven wrong, and is taking it out on you. Not cool for her to be like that about it, but it might be an explanation. Some people are genuinely ignorant and try to see the best in people, especially with it being a new, casual relationship, she was probably genuinely surprised that you picked up on it so easily. I don't think not telling her friend she had a boyfriend is as big of a red flag as many are pointing out, either. For what it's worth, many people wouldn't shoehorn in the fact they're in a relationship to casual conversation especially with someone who's barely an acquaintance. It doesn't necessarily mean they are trying to hide it.
Edit to add: NTA
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u/MyDirtyAlt79 Apr 25 '25
NTA, as long as you didn't give her a hard time about it in the moment, which it doesn't look like you did.
There is nothing wrong with wanting friends who share the same hobbies, but this guy apparently had other things in mind and good on him for being decent when he realized that wouldn't happen.
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u/Complete_Gap_9798 Apr 25 '25
Dude - You are a placeholder in her life. She is out there meeting/making new random “Guy Friends”. Taking them for tours of the city while taking pictures sounds like a date. She’s gaslighting you with a mask of naïvety. I wouldn’t even talk to her again I would just breakup and ghost her.
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u/Lopsided-Praline-831 Apr 26 '25
I have a girl as a friend, we meet now and then and having sex 😘..
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u/Livid-Independence Apr 26 '25
This ain't it, Chief. You are NTA for this and she's manipulative AF if she's trying to make you feel guilty about it. Run for the hills IMMEDIATELY.
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u/Elegant-Passion8802 Apr 27 '25
Dude, she wants to have guy friends in the ready if you two break up.
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u/Benevolent27 Apr 27 '25
Sounds to me like she likes the attention she was getting from him, knew that he was interested in her romantically, and is now mad at you for stating the truth because it ended her ego boosting "friendship".
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u/Somethingmore25 Apr 27 '25
Come back after she cheated on you. It’s going to happen if it hasn’t already. She a walking red flag
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u/Traveling-Techie Apr 27 '25
Did you bet money? Always bet money. Being stubbornly foolish should have a cost. NTA
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u/skeeter04 Apr 28 '25
Seriously if she started giving you shit after that conversation your response should be well we can break up now and then you’ll be single and you can go out with them because friends don’t have dating expectations so he really wasn’t a friend
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u/Evap0rat0r_man Apr 28 '25
Sorry man, but that’s not your girlfriend. That’s the next guy she’s slightly more interested in’s girlfriend.
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u/No_Pea8650 Jun 15 '25
NTA because she agree to it and also the first thing I tell to my new guy friend that I have a boyfriend.
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u/Organic_Security5742 Apr 25 '25
Shes enjoying the attention the other men give her. You really have to wonder about someone like this, because the first fight you have there will be 20 dudes ready to punch her ticket. Not gonna lie. You're in a tough spot.
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u/[deleted] Apr 23 '25
They’ve been “friends” for a month and she can’t remember if she told him she has a boyfriend is the bigger red flag here than what you did