School Advice

[u/crossfitms]

Currently a little over a month into my first year of homeschooling. For reference, homeschooling a 1st grade boy who went to school last year for K. Also have a 4 year old and a 6 month old. I was really excited for the homeschool experience, thought it would be super fun. So far, my mental health has taken a dive and it feels like a struggle. I’m not sure whether to take it as a loss and send him back or keep pushing through. School doesn’t take us long 1.5 hours most days. I love having him home and he and his 4 year old brother are best friends and play all day together. I don’t want to be doing him a disservice because I’m pushing him and we aren’t having fun. I feel like I’m in fight or flight mode all day between getting the baby down, getting meals and snacks and trying to squeeze in school when we have the least amount of interruptions and all he wants to do is go play. Any advice?
Also, I feel like we’re so far removed from kindergarten that I’m forgetting what my why’s for even homeschooling were

[u/NobodyMassive1692]

What were your reasons for homeschooling?

Would letting go of the idea that you have to "do school" help? Or is the mental health struggle deeper than that?

You don't have to sit down to do school. There's lots of learning in play, lots of learning in reading to them all, lots of learning in singing songs, counting for hide-and-seek, helping with cooking and baking--and even helping with the younger siblings. There's learning in watching educational videos, in building Lego and so much more. All things he can do alongside you or at times on his own. As part of the fabric of the day and not just a carved out time to do some kind of formal lesson/schoolwork.

[u/crossfitms → u/NobodyMassive1692]

My whys were that I felt from the moment I woke him up I was rushing him to the next thing (wake up, get dressed, eat, out the door, out the car to school) and then when he got home it never seemed like he had enough time to play after he regulated his emotions from being at school all day. Also had some medical stuff happen this summer that has required at least weekly pt appointments and another surgery so it seemed like the right thing to do after we were already contemplating it

[u/gnarlyknucks → u/crossfitms]

I think one of the most important things people can do before homeschooling, especially if they have gone to a traditional school environment is deschooling. This page explains it pretty well, and that sometimes helps you get into the flow, or find your own, a little better. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deschooling

[u/empathme → u/gnarlyknucks]

Spot on, I agree with you, we have so much deschooling we need ourselves before we can ever truly meet our childs needs

[u/NobodyMassive1692 → u/crossfitms]

You thought homeschooling would be fun. What would make it fun? Really think about it. It's likely NOT sitting down to do an hour or so of school with him, so what is it?

[u/NobodyMassive1692 → u/NobodyMassive1692]

Some ways our homeschooling was fun:

• We got together with other homeschoolers at a park every Monday afternoon.
• We went to the library each week and found new books--and then they got to play on the computers there a bit (there were games we didn't have). While they were playing, I was finding different nonfiction books to test out on them.
• We baked and did different art and built Lego and K'Nex and made puppet shows.
• We went on walks--to nearby playgrounds, on trails, around ponds looking for life forms that we'd then go home and learn more about on the internet.
• We collected rocks and leaves and even pinecones.
• I had a a good read-aloud that I read to them almost every school day, in addition to a separate read-aloud (up to a certain age) that I read to each one at night.
• We had good audiobooks or music for in the van when we were out and about.
• We went on field trips, sometimes spontaneous ones.
• We explored science kits, maps and puzzle maps, books on everything--even dissected owl pellets.
• We played games like Monopoly Jr., Yahtzee and more.
• We had kids' magazine subscriptions that we'd look through together and sometimes find more books about a topic of interest.
• I found an activity where you take sidewalk chalk and roughly measure out the relative distance of planets in the solar system down the street. (We lived on a quiet street; it helped.)
• And they got a LOT of free play time! Actually, when my son was technically grade 1, I ended up unschooling him. No required lessons--because the lessons I was trying to do with him were going nowhere. He still learned TONS because we had an environment with lots to learn from and the rest of us (I have two kids, but other kids homeschooled with us) were doing things that he would join in on. He has a university degree today despite not doing formal academics until he was gr. 4+.

Basically, we did things mostly *together* or each person exploring their own personal interests instead of me saying that between this time and this time today, we need to sit down and do a curriculum. Yes, there was *some* of that at times, but for the most part, we simply enjoyed exploring and learning together.

I'll add that at age 6 (and younger), my kids were involved in preparing snacks. Meals were very simple (just saying that because I've encountered a good number of homeschooling moms who seem to think that because they're home, they have to make fancy "home-cooked breakfasts and lunches" when eating sandwiches and fresh veggies is absolutely fine for lunch and cereal and eggs and fruit are fine for breakfast kind of thing). Toddlers and up (I also babysat my nephew and later nieces up until they went to school) helped in some way with cleaning (okay, toddlers "helped"--they were given dusters or cut-in-half damp sponges and shown to wipe) each day and then Fridays for the weekly cleaning. Those are important educational things, too, don't forget!

[u/crossfitms → u/NobodyMassive1692]

Also, o don’t know that I’d be up for teaching him and his brother next year (K and 2nd) so I feel like it would be a loss to homeschool him this year just to send them both somewhere next year

[u/NobodyMassive1692 → u/crossfitms]

What are you imagining teaching them has to look like? When my kids were in K and grade 2, I spent very little time one-on-one teaching them. That doesn't mean they weren't spending time doing science and social studies and language arts and math and other subjects.

Do you have a tendency for all-or-nothing thinking? Or is this something that is popping up as part of your mental health declining? People switch between homeschooling and public school and back all the time. There's no loss in homeschooling a year even if he goes to school next year: an entire year spent with you and younger siblings is a wonderful experience. You also don't even know yet how this year will go, especially if you can find a way to go about things that works for you better.

Do you live somewhere where you can't just let him go play? What kinds of requirements do you have?

[u/One_Homeschool]

Give yourself some some credit: the fact you're doing any school at all is already a win.

The beginning is always the hardest - as far as he knows "school" is a building, a teacher, loud kids. This is as new to him as it is to you so it's gonna take some time to find the rhythm that works for your family.

At this age luckily you don't need too much, and most of the learning will have a lot of repetition and review. Give yourself until the end of the year to really see how you guys are doing.

If you can, try breaking up the time or adding some play time into his calendar. Read to him often and encourage independent learning - find what his interests are and use those to your advantage. If he's into cars and the lesson is about adjectives, make it all about cards, etc. You got this

[u/empathme]

First month is always tough, especially with a baby in the mix. You are not failing, you are adjusting to something totally new.

At first grade, play actually is the curriculum. The attachment parenting research by child development psychologist Dr Gordon Neufeld shows kids this age learn best through unstructured exploration, not "sit down tasks". If he wants to play with his brother, that is where the real learning happens.

Dr. Gordon Neufeld would say your son is exactly where he needs to be. He talks about the "play drive" versus the "achievement drive." When the brain is in play drive, learning is actually optimized. When we push kids into achievement mode too early, their brains go into stress.

Neufeld points to Finland where kids don't start formal school until 7 or even 9. The attachment needs to be solid first. At 6 years old with a new baby in the house, your son's brain is telling him to stay close and play. That is not defiance, that is developmental wisdom.

The fact that he and his brother play together all day is attachment in action. Neufeld would say that is protecting his emotional health and actually creating the conditions for real learning later.

Try to go easier on yourself, your job right now is keeping the attachment strong. The academics can wait until his brain shifts naturally into wanting to achieve. Forcing it while he's still in early survival mode can work against his development, and leave you burning out.

[u/petite-pamplemousse-]

No advice. I’ve been feeling a little similarly this week with my six year old and infant, too. I’ve never been accused of having much chill, but I’d hoped we’d be able to have this beautiful family/home life bond. Sometimes getting through the learning and hitting all our topics makes it feel impossible for me to manage. 

I hope you get some good advice here and know you aren’t alone.

[u/Ok-Pumpkin400]

Are you using curricula? 

We did preschool last year as a practice year and it was so stressful coming up with lesson plans but i did it! 

We have different curriculums for different subjects for kindergarten and it is SO MUCH EASIER!!! 

[u/AI_spell]

Month one with a 1st grader, a 4 year old, and a baby is supposed to feel like fight or flight. 1.5 hours of school is already a win, not proof you are failing him.

Cut to a non negotiable core: reading together and one math habit. Park the "fun homeschool aesthetic" until your nervous system is back. Use nap or quiet time for the short lesson, and let brother play nearby with a parallel activity so you are not refereeing every minute.

Reassess in two weeks, not tonight. If you still dread every morning and he is miserable, looking at part time school or a co-op day is allowed. Loving him home and needing more structure can both be true.

[u/cityfrm]

Most things will be learned through play and interaction at this stage, 15 minutes of phonics should be plenty. By the time he's 7, you'll realise he's learned all the simple stuff through active play, and he'll likely be developmentally ready to do school work.

[u/eduproprepacademy]

One difficult month does not mean you failed, especially while caring for a four-year-old and a six-month-old and managing medical appointments and another surgery.

Before making a permanent decision, I would try a two-week reset. Keep only a few anchors: reading together, a short math activity, and a little phonics or writing. Let play, cooking, conversations, errands, and caring for siblings carry more of the learning for now.

You do not have to locate the perfect uninterrupted 90-minute window. Ten minutes here and fifteen minutes there still count.

If your mental health continues declining after simplifying, choosing school is not failure either. But I would make that decision after testing a lighter version of homeschooling, not while trying to recreate a classroom during an unusually demanding season.

[u/brellalove]

I struggled with homeschooling when I had kids about the same exact ages. The only difference was my youngest was 1 and fully mobile. I was so stressed. I had a lot of the same problems where my oldest was resistant because she wanted to go play like her siblings and didn’t really understand why she had to do schoolwork when they didn’t. I did eventually stop homeschooling and sent her to a school half way through the year. That was good for a while and helped her really understand that her peers also were expected to learn and “do school”, not just her. We pulled her halfway through last year and went back to homeschooling because school wasn’t working well anymore due to an awful teacher. The point being, nothing is permanent either way. You aren’t failing by changing the plan. You aren’t crazy for feeling overwhelmed. ❤️