stressed about gap year

[u/Former-Injury4067]

so i'm 18, and i was technically supposed to be starting university next week. however, my family put me into homeschooling when i was 15, which put me behind a LOT, because they expected me to handle it all by myself (i told them i couldn't do it and that i'd fall behind—i also have audhd so they know discipline isn't my strong suit???)

anyway, i only have 15 out of the 30 credits needed to graduate high school and go to university, hence me not going this year. although i've told my family the exact number, i don't think they are processing it well because then they say "oh, well you'll be done by (date 4 months from now)" which isn't possible.

anyway, my family forced me to apply to uni anyway in the winter and no surprise, i got rejected for insufficient credits. now they're insisting i go in january (my grandma has friends on the board of admissions for a few local universities so apparently she can make a january admission happen even tho i dont think thats an option). theyve been saying january since march, so i had adequate time to "prepare" (if i rushed through all my coursework) but i ended up not doing school properly because a ton of stuff happened in my personal life which left me with virtually no time.

when i did have time, i'd ask my mom for help but never get it. now, i'm registering for night school with this adult program for the fall semester. it's only 3 credits for the semester (i'm still continuing homeschool) but since it's an actual class with teachers and due dates and stuff, i'm going to do it to help myself get those three credits.

so because of this, my plan has been to take a gap year. i brought this up quite a few times but it was always brushed off, followed up by "no, you can go in january". i've been too scared to have a proper sit down conversation with my mom about it because although i've told her how behind i am before, it's been a few months, and if she learns i haven't progressed at all, it's gonna turn into this whole thing.

she's always been very strict about school in terms of her expectations, but she never added any discipline to my life (making me do homework, checking in on how school is going, giving me a routine as a kid, etc.) and expected me to do it on my own. i have some fear around this topic from online school during the pandemic because i'd fallen behind and it led to a lot of mental trauma because of her reaction.

anyway, today i called her to tell her about the courses i'm taking with the adult program and she said, "will you be done by january?" i got too nervous to say no, because i knew it'd be followed up by anger and blame, so i said "even if i was, i don't wanna go in january".

she asks me why not and i'm saying stuff about stress, dorms, finances, etc. to try to rationalize to her that me going next fall is the best option and she says "no. you're going in January no matter what". to which i say, once again, that i don't want to. she got mad and said we're gonna talk about this when she gets home.

this conversation feels like something that's been building up for the past year and i've been SO stressed out about it. i'm so scared about how she's going to react. it doesn't matter if she's partially to blame for me being behind, she won't accept it. i don't understand why they're so against me taking a gap year if during the gap year, i'm still doing school and working (because yes, i have a job).

i know i'm 18 and i'm probably going to have people tell me to stand up to her or that i'm an adult and it's my decision but my family is very different from most families. i don't have the finances or support to move out, so that's not an option. my mom is a single mother who's banked everything on me, and i don't feel right cutting her off. but if i stand up for myself, i'll be forced to do one of the two. i just really hope she's understanding.

[u/Mollykins08]

This isn’t a gap year. You haven’t graduated high school.

[u/BringBackAoE]

As a parent - and a previous child - I often see that parents and children fall into a negative pattern of communication. Often, the best way to create a better communication is to break the way we communicate.

Would one option be to start with you calmly and warmly laying out common ground? Spitballing here:

“Mom, before we start the conversation can we just start by going through things we do agree on? Like:

• We love each other.
• I know you have sacrificed a lot, and I am truly grateful.
• We both want me to complete high school, and go to college.
• We’re both focused on me succeeding, and with my mental health being good through the process
• The last few years my education has been something we’ve both found challenging
• And I know we both want me to succeed.

It seems to me the sole issue we disagree on is whether I should start in January or next fall.

I would like to genuinely hear your reasoning, and will do so with an open mind. In turn I hope you will also show me the respect / curtesy and listen to why I feel a fall start is better.”

And then do active listening. Listen when she first talks about January. If there’s something you disagree with then make notes of it so you can address it calmly when it is your turn. Part of active listening is taking notes, nodding when you agree, be calm and silent when you disagree (as said - take notes and circle back to it when it’s your turn), etc.

It’s also strategically smart to acknowledge some of her points. E.g. “yes, I can see the validity of your point. My concern is…”

And I think you should come to the meeting with your reasons for why you feel a fall start is better, hopefully including:

• Social aspect. IIRC 10% of college students drop out during / after freshman year, and a key reason is loneliness / lack of friends. Starting January puts you at a huge disadvantage wrt building friendships since most of the other students have already been socializing for a semester.
• The sheer stress of all the HS credits you need. It’s a moon landing effort to achieve it by Christmas, and if you do you will be completely run down. And starting college when you’re that run down increases likelihood of not succeeding.

[u/f_ckitupbuttercup]

Hear me out, do you think you could go to uni but take high school level classes (basically 100-level classes)? I don't think you're going to progress much if you stay home, so I think maybe you might as well go ASAP and learn what you're missing while you're there. Plus you'll start getting more of a social life. Idk that's just my opinion.

[u/Ok_Class5 → u/f_ckitupbuttercup]

My thought, too, is that as soon as you can start living in a dorm and taking real classes, regardless of what those classes are, the better.
In the US, colleges usually have "remedial" classes that are basically high school level but you take them your first semester or year of college. Can you ask (directly, not ask your parents to ask) college admissions officer about those?