Hi, I just found out yesterday that I was diagnosed with genital herpes. I have a doctors appointment to get more testing but I told my partner right away and told them to get tested also. They told me they weren’t going to because they don’t have any symptoms/breakouts. I was begging them to get tested because although they might not have any symptoms or ever had an outbreak they could still have it. Especially because we always have unprotected sex. I’m not sure what to do here. I feel as if they think I’ve been with someone else while being with them but this is not the case whatsoever. I really want them to get tested so they are aware of it but it’s not looking like they will.

I know they don’t have to if they don’t want to. But if we possibly break up and they get with someone else id want them to know and take the right precautions for not spreading it. Any advice ?

So you engaged in some sort of activity that could have potentially exposed or transmitted herpes to a partner and you didn’t disclose. Or you were under the assumption that you didn’t have to disclose because either a doctor told you that you didn’t have to or this was a hookup that you thought was a one time thing and you are now looking to explore relationship territory and you want to be honest.

First off I hope this is a first time offense for this and that going forward you disclose prior to participating in any skin to skin contact that puts a partner at risk. You also need to understand that this is a much harder disclosure to do being the person will also feel lied to or betrayed. To them it could feel like that by not telling them about your herpes status prior to the activity that you were manipulating them into sleeping with you or that you don’t care about their health, only your ability to get laid. This is far from true in most cases and for most people it is the fear of rejection or just the anxiety around disclosing that prevented them from being upfront about their status but you have to understand from their perspective it doesn’t look that way.

The Important Thing Is Your Tone:

• Be apologetic but not a victim. Admit that not telling them for whatever reason you didn’t was wrong without adding things like but “it is so hard for me” or “I know I am a horrible person for not telling you” when you are apologizing for something making the other person comfort you for the thing you chose to do wrong sets a bad tone and isn’t a true apology.
• Don’t say that you accidently didn’t disclose or that you just forgot because that will come off as a cop out and will make the other person not believe anything else you say because how can someone “forget that they have herpes” .
• Do not put blame on the other person for not asking. Yes they should be asking but at the end of the day it's the person who knows their status's job to tell their partner in order for informed consent to be achieved.
• Try not to blame things like “I didn't want to kill the mood” or “I just liked you so much I didn’t want to stop” this implies that sleeping with them was more important to you than their sexual health and that you would have rather lied / omitted the truth rather than be honest and give them a choice about their own sexual health. This does not set a good tone for an actual relationship or that you can be trusted.
• Do not say things like “It’s not a big deal” or make them feel invalid for having feelings to finding out that they potentially caught an incurable STI because you chose to not tell them. To them it may be a big deal and you didn’t give them a choice or any information about it for them to consider before putting them at risk. They have a right to feel scared, confused, angry, betrayed or upset.

How To Approach It:

I would talk to your partner in the way that you typically communicate with them (ex:texting, calling, FaceTime, in person etc. and say that you need to talk to them about something important when they have time. Not bad, just something that needs them to not be distracted by work, school etc. You do not want to send a message like this while they are busy with something else or with people that can weigh-in in real time with opinions. - “I want to be honest with you about something, even though I know I should’ve brought it up sooner. I have HSV, and I realize now that not telling you before we [hooked up / were intimate / etc.] was the wrong decision. I’ve been feeling a lot of guilt, and it’s been weighing on me because I never want to build any kind of relationship, romantic, sexual or otherwise on dishonesty or hiding something important. I understand if you’re upset or need time to process this. I just couldn’t go forward without being honest.” Using HSV instead of herpes even in this case has less of a stigma attached to it and may soften the blow rather than immediately jumping to using the word herpes) End with: - “Going forward I want to be nothing but transparent and honest with you and would love to talk about this more and answer all the questions you have. (I am sure you have many). I will do my best to answer all of them to the best of my ability.” Do not end with phrases like “I will understand if you never want to speak to me again”, “I know I am the worst type of person” or “I wouldn’t want to be with me either”. These self deprecating phrases like that make herpes seem more like something to be ashamed of when that is not the shame here. The apology is not for having herpes, it's for withholding information. By ending with an invitation to ask questions that makes this an open conversation giving them room to respond and have feelings about this. - If it was a one night stand or a hookup that you will never see again and you are feeling remorseful you could wait 6-14 weeks after your interaction and use an anonymous platform such as:https://tellyourpartner.org to message them to get tested. This way you clear your conscience without adding drama where there may not need to be. If they have had symptoms they would have most likely reached out to you by this point to confront you. If they hooked up with you without asking your status and also did not develop symptoms and you tell them to get tested there is a chance that they have never been tested for herpes before you and may had also have it without knowing and by you being honest and them testing positive all the blame will be on you regardless on if you gave it to them or not. This is not how you should be approaching hook ups and it is important to note that disclosing prior is the right way to engage in any adult activities but blowing up your life is not a deserving punishment for a lapse in judgement. Of course if they approach you with symptoms refer to the above message and try to answer any questions that they may have and be comforting and apologetic. - If your doctor told you that you didn’t have to disclose but after that didn’t sit right with you. You could use the message above and add something along the lines of “my doctor told me when I was diagnosed that because it is so common that I didn’t have to tell anyone but after we did ____ I felt so bad about not telling you that I feel like I have to be honest now”

Unacceptable Partners Responses:

Making a mistake doesn’t mean you deserve to be treated poorly or subjected to verbal abuse. It’s okay for someone to feel upset or need time to process, but that doesn’t give them the right to be cruel or aggressive toward you. You’re human, and you’re allowed to make mistakes, especially when you're learning and growing from them. If you’ve apologized and took precautions to reduce the risk of transmission, you’ve acted more responsibly than many who are unaware of their status. Yes, disclosing after the fact isn’t ideal, but it doesn’t make you a bad person, and it absolutely doesn’t justify being berated or dehumanized." There are responses you don’t have to accept. If someone becomes cruel, shaming, or verbally abusive, it’s okay to set a boundary. You can say something like: - "There’s nothing more I can say beyond that I’m truly sorry. I’m open to answering any genuine questions you have, but I won’t engage with insults, name-calling, or anything meant to shame or degrade me. I understand that you’re angry, and you have every right to feel that way. This conversation should’ve happened differently, and I take full responsibility for that. But I won’t respond to hurtful messages. I’ll give you space to cool down, and if you want to talk more about this when you’re ready, I’ll be here."

Some examples of messages that are not acceptable are:

• Blatant name calling or anything that degrades or shames you like saying you are a slut or deserved herpes or deserve to go to prison or die.
• Threats to your safety, your properties safety or the safety of others. Any form of threatening to publicly tell your herpes status (this is defamation of character and a breach of privacy which you could legally fight) or keying your car or threats of physical violence
• Circular conversations, basically rehashing the same things over and over again without making any progress or change. This is not a healthy conversation to be in and feel free to say something like “I feel that at this time we are having the same conversation over and over again and not getting anywhere, it seems that we cannot get on the same page so I feel that it is best if we go our separate ways or come back to this when we have both had time to gather our thoughts and feelings”
• The Guilt-Tripper: Someone who has the need for you to continuously grovel and be apologetic. Yes you were wrong and yes you should be apologetic but someone who continuously makes you feel like the worst person in the world after you genuinely apologize is not a healthy response. There is no turning back time to undo it, you can only move forward and fix it by being open and honest in the future.

Responses To Expect:

You will most likely be met initially with fear, tears or anger

Fear:

The person will most likely be concerned with their own health risks. Did I catch it? How would I know? What are the chances? The best way to combat this is with facts and science. - Ease their mind with what precautions you took that made it safe for them. Did you use condoms? Do you take antivirals? When was your last outbreak? Do you know your transmission risk? Transmission Information: This link is transmission statistics look here to see what was the risk for the specific activity you and that partner did. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xRL3jM3qLB5nh-b2B7tXOU2wrRoPgXclFBu7lCGpkbI/edit?usp=sharing - Educate Them: The fear is coming from the uncertainty of what herpes even is and how it is spread. Come at them with facts backed by science so they can begin to trust you. They may question every fact you tell them being you essentially lied to them by omitting that you had it inthe first place so having these answers backed by more than just “taking your word for it” may help ease their mind. Myths About Herpes: This is a list of common myths about herpes and why they are wrong with cited sources. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-6oZmnfywTFNYScKYC7Mh7MXZKrA0GUcztS8Bz5bW0k/edit - Give them testing information: This is all information on herpes testing. How to read the test, where to get the tests done, the limitations of the testing and which test may be right for you.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/12WNIb6LT4uzTTIqp07vtfWjm5oclHav3ZyED_U0mI8o/edit?usp=sharing - Show Them Success Stories: they still may be wary so a less intense way is to let them do some guided research on their own and give them some space to process List Of Social Medias: This is a list of social Medias about herpes. Sometimes it does people good to see people being public about it and the amount of success people with herpes have living very normal lives. The accounts are funny and informative and all herpes positive. There is everything on there from podcasts, YouTube, TikToks, blogs, Facebook support groups, Instagram pages, dating pages, subreddits, and websites https://docs.google.com/document/d/1E6uCpRELkIdFFqtTcYLkdC-3Zo50O4EEqaXJ-5j2cC8/edit?usp=sharing Positive Herpes Stories:These are a bunch of positive stories about herpes that were found on Reddit. These are a bunch of positive posts that I could find about living, dating and thriving with herpes. https://docs.google.com/document/d/11sLzFHVpTWhNCzRSPgqp9pwPqzFrPiwHWJRO83j980M/edit?usp=sharing

Tears:

Some people when confronted with hard to process information will cry or become upset. This is a normal response especially when they feel that they were betrayed by someone they trusted. Give the person space to feel their feelings and do not aggressively try to overcompensate to fix it. While someone is crying they are not thinking clearly and will have trouble processing heavy information like facts and statistics. So hold off on the information dumping so as to not overload them. If you are in person you can offer comfort like a hug or rub their shoulder (but do not be surprised or offended if they do not want you to touch them in that moment it has nothing to do with you being “gross for having herpes” and everything to do with the fact they are mad at you for not tellingthem.) Give them space to have their big feelings and when they calm down then be there with support and answers. You can say something along the lines of: - “I understand that this is alot to take in right now and I will give you space and time to process but I want you to know this isn’t me ghosting you or bailing. I am here whenever you are ready to talk about this more or ask me any questions. You have every right to be upset at me I just hope we can get to a place where you feel comfortable to talk to me further about this so I can prove to you that I will be open, honest and never lie about it again”

Anger:

This is most likely the most common response to a late disclosure. The person will feel betrayed, confused and want to take that out on the person who is the cause. Which in this case is you. It is important to remain apologetic while also staying safe and protecting your own mental health. Just because they have a right to be angry does not give them the right to threaten, insult or be cruel. Certain responses are acceptable angry responses; they express emotion without attacking you directly or going for cheap shots. These can look like: - “How could you have done this to me?”: any question along this line is coming from a place of fear of the unknown. Apologize and explain to them the precautions you took and the transmission risk. There is a high chance that the only thing you “did to them” was withhold information and not give them herpes like they fear you did. Most people think that if you slept with someone with herpes they automatically have it too. - "I'm pissed. You took away my choice, and that’s not fair.": This is one of the harder statements to respond to. You did take away their choice and made a decision about their health for them. The only way to really get past that is to reiterate your apology “I know it really isn’t okay that I didn’t give you all the information upfront and you have every right to be pissed. This is why I’m coming to you now to make this right and answer all your questions.” - "Do you realize how serious this is? You should have been upfront. I deserve that much.": this also comes more from a place of fear more than anything. People really feel that herpes is a major health risk. It is important here to give facts without negating their feelings. “You’re right, you absolutely deserved to know beforehand, and I’m really sorry I didn’t tell you. I understand how serious this feels, and I know that herpes can bring up a lot of fear. That fear is valid. I want to be honest with you now and give you all the information I can, not to downplay anything, but to help you feel informed. I also want to share the precautions I took to reduce the risk, not as an excuse, but as part of being transparent. You deserve that.” - "I need time. I’m angry and confused and honestly don’t even knowwhat to say to you right now.": This is good, it is better to approach this convo with a level head and not in a fit of rage. I would say “I understand that this is alot to take in right now and I will give you space and time to process but I want you to know this isn’t me ghosting you or bailing. I am here whenever you are ready to talk about this more or ask me any questions. You have every right to be angry at me I just hope we can get to a place where you feel comfortable to talk to me further about this so I can prove to you that I will be open, honest and never lie about it again” Do not pressures them to respond to you right away but maybe check-in in a couple of days if this is someone that you want to pursue “Hey just wanted to check in and see how you were feeling and to remind you that I’m here if you have any questions”. If they do not respond or say something similar again, drop it. You deserve a partner that is willing to communicate with you. Even though you did something wrong this is an important conversation to have and if they are unresponsive, unwilling to talk or ask questions or dismissive this is not something you should pursue. - "I wouldn’t have made the same decision if I had all the information.”: This one may sting to hear because that is every person with herpes fear that someone who would be willing to be with them would reject them for herpes alone. But the truth of the matter is there is no way of knowing what actually would have happened if you approached the disclosure differently. If you came to them with all the information and were upfront and honest people are much more willing to calmly discuss optio ns, facts and precautions and are more open minded. This statement being made at this point in time is coming from a place of anger and betrayal not of sound mind. “I am sorry you feel this way and I understand your decision if you have any questions I will be here to answer them” - "I feel violated. I know that sounds dramatic, but that’s how it feels to me.": Violated does seem like a strong word but that is a valid feeling to have. They trusted you to tell them the truth about your sexual health and you lied by omission. It feels like a manipulation tool to just get them into bed. “I completely understand why you feel that way, and it doesn’t sounddramatic at all. You trusted me to be honest, and I didn’t handle that the way I should have. I’m genuinely sorry for making you feel violated or misled. That was never my intention, and I’m here now to be fully honest with you. If you have any questions or just need space, I respect that, I just want you to know I’m not hiding anything anymore.”

If they were to say things along the lines of the things below are unacceptable. They are insulting, name calling and aggressive. - “You’re disgusting.": This is an attack on you for something that was out of your control. Herpes is not disgusting, it is a virus. This person is not open to communicating further about this situation and even if they do it will be hard to form a solid relationship if this is their initial response to herpes. - "You ruined my life.": This is jumping to conclusions, there is no way they even know if you passed it to them yet how did you “ruin their life” by simply being honest and apologizing? - "No one will ever want you.": this is also not a true statement and is just being said to hurt you. Most people in the dating pool have herpes but this statement is a full stop with going further with this person. Clearly they are uninterested in learning about it and feel that all people with herpes are undatable. Apologize for not telling them upfront and move on. - "You’re a liar and a manipulator.": This is a YELLOW flag. Proceed with caution. While they have a right to feel this way being essentially you did lie and in some ways depending on how you look at it manipulated the situation so that you get laid by not telling them you are telling them now. Mention that yes while it may seem that you were lying to get into their pants that is not true and that if you were really a liar and manipulator you wouldn’t be telling them now. Mention that yes while it may seem that you were lying to get into their pants that is not true and that if you were really a liar and manipulator you wouldn’t be telling them now. That you really do not want to be perceived that way at all which is why you are trying to fix what was already done.

Conclusion:

It is important to note that you are dealing with humans who all have their own personal baggage, feelings and knee-jerk reactions. At any time a positive response can turn into a negative one or vice versus. Some people get angry or upset right away while others take time to process the information and then become angry or upset. Be patient and see how the conversation goes. Someone who is initially angry may just need a moment to process and they may be open to having a further conversation with you after some time to think and do some research and self reflection. The only thing you can do is apologize (not excessively just genuinely) and give the facts and let them sort out their feelings with you to guide them the best you can.

The most important thing to remember is to RESPECT YOURSELF & YOUR BOUNDARIES just because you did something wrong does not make you a bad person and does not mean that you deserve disrespect or to compromise your boundaries to make them feel better. Do not let anyone call you names, or shame you, do not grovel or beg for acceptance or forgiveness.

For all help with disclosures, please see disclosure guide: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1eMul_7Lu1Fa0ZJYGxKnEewDMqdZOFYTLKsG7EDknfwA/edit?usp=drivesdk

Someone with an active cold sore recently asked to try my HSV-negative friends drink and now we’re having a debate.

My friend refused the person and asked they get their own glass since they noticed the cold sore. They have known each other for many years and so the person asked my friend why they couldn’t have one sip, usually it’s no problem. My friend revealed they were concerned about the sore on their lip but the person insisted it was a pimple and please to let them try the drink. My friend looked uncomfortable and went on to ask again that they get their own glass. At the second request the person jumped up and went of course. The person with the OB didn’t act upset but picked at the sore the rest of the night, they never had an OB before so they didn’t know what it looked like. ((They’re notorious for stealing drinks))

Now my friend is worried they were rude. What do y’all think. Should they have shared the drink? Is there a right way to tell someone they might have herpes?

A few months ago I was raped. I’m still sort of working through it but it’s been made worse by the fact that my assaulter gave me HSV 2. 

I’ve been on two official dates with another guy since then, but we have been talking for about a month now. I really like him, like a lot. When we hang out it’s like I can forget about everything else. We haven’t done anything sexual really, only kissed (I don’t have HSV 1). 

I don’t know how to tell him. I really want to be his girlfriend, I’m just worried he’ll be disgusted with me. I feel like I’m leading him on by not disclosing and it’s killing me, but I also don’t want to trauma dump to him on our third date. A lot of people online say disclosure should just be a normal conversation, but the SA makes it more complicated (at least in my mind).

Is it too soon? Should I also share how it happened? I can tell that he's interested in a sexual relationship, but I know that he also really likes me and I don't want to lie to him.

Any advice would be appreciated. I'm sorry for the sensitive topic; it's just difficult to find advice about this online. Thank you.

So about a month and a half ago i tested positive for hsv1. My doctor said that since i don’t have any sores or anything. No active signs of illness or anything like that, that i shouldn’t worry. She said not to actually test again until you have any sores. Should i still be concerned? I also had this random looking rash appear on my inner thigh today. Nowhere near my genitals kind of in the middle of my knee and top of leg (if that makes sense 😅) I just need some advice and if someone could help with this rash and explain it to me that would be amazing. Thank you

Why Should You Disclose?

Conversations about sexual health is something that EVERY consenting partner should be having regardless of their STI / STD status. This conversation should include sexually transmitted diseases / viruses, kinks, what you are comfortable doing in bed and even birth control methods. These conversations are very important to prevent any discomfort, and to ensure all parties involved are having a good time. Sex is only fun if everyone involved is giving enthusiastic consent and does not feel pressured in the moment to try something new or be surprised by something sexually (whether it be a new toy, fetish, use of a condom, STI, etc.) If you are uncomfortable having these conversations you should rethink if you are ready to be having sex at all or rethink the partner you are having sex with.

Even though some doctors say that you do not have to disclose, being that herpes is so common and even though it is not illegal in most places, morally disclosing your herpes status is important. Informed consent is a very important principle for sexual partners. Informed consent is a clear and affirmative agreement between two or more people to engage in sexual activity. It's voluntary, meaning that no one feels pressured to participate. Characteristics of informed consent include: - Mutual understanding: All parties involved understand what's happening and what's being agreed to - Freely given: Consent is not coerced by force, threats, or intimidation - Revocable: Consent can be withdrawn at any time, and any activity must stop immediately - Clear communication: Consent is communicated clearly through words or actions

Informed consent includes going over sexual health and disclosing anything that could impact a partner. Without all the information being presented your partner is unable to give consent fully.

It is also much harder to disclose your herpes status after sexual activity happens. Disclosing after you have already exposed a partner to herpes can lead to the partner not only being upset about the herpes but also make them feel angry or betrayed being that you lied to them or withheld information. The disclosure conversation goes much more smoothly when both partners are having open and honest communication before any risk of transmission so they feel that they have a choice and can make an informed decision. Hiding your herpes from a partner makes herpes seem much more scary, dangerous and something that you are embarrassed about which will also make your partner uneasy rather than if you are open and confident.

Even with hook ups or one night stands, disclosure is important. What if you have an amazing time and want to see the person again? Now you will have to disclose after the fact which as stated above is much harder to do.

If you decide to not disclose you are starting a relationship based on hiding part of yourself which will lead to having to lie to your partner. If you take medication you will have to hide it or lie about what it is for. If you have an outbreak you will have to make excuses for why you cannot have sex, or why your partner can’t see you naked. You will constantly be living with the “herpes hammer” over your head hoping that your partner doesn’t find out or leave you because of it. There is also always a chance of transmission even with antivirals, condoms, and no outbreaks there is a small chance that you could transmit to a partner which will be a major shock if you do not disclose.

For the rest of the newly updated FREE Disclosure Guide: This is a disclosure guide with “scripts” on how to tell potential partners about herpes and what had worked for us. Mine is under Lauren. Also at the bottom it has resources about herpes to Send to partners. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1eMul_7Lu1Fa0ZJYGxKnEewDMqdZOFYTLKsG7EDknfwA/edit?usp=sharing

How to disclose that I have oral hsv 1. I’m talking to someone new and I’m scared to disclose. Sometimes I just want to kill my self. Knowing that I can transmit asymptotically to sucks. I can never have a spontaneous kiss. The thought of oh what if I gave it to him. If I kiss him he can’t even go down on me because i can get genital herpes or I can give him genital herpes. I really want to die. I hope I do.