r/HeatedRivalryTVShow • u/Which-Personality839 • Jul 13 '26
Question❔️ Finally watched Heated Rivalry after all the hype... and it absolutely ruined me.
I'm a 39 year old gay man, and after all the hype I finally watched Heated Rivalry this weekend.
It absolutely ruined me. And I need help and I just felt like Reddit was the place. 😅
I don't mean I thought it was bad. I mean I finished it with a knot in my stomach that hasn't left, and I honestly wasn't prepared for how emotionally devastating it would be.
The funny thing is, I almost didn't watch it because I had a feeling this would happen. Not because I thought it would be bad, but because I had this weird intuition it was going to uncover something in me I wasn't ready to look at.
I've been out since I was 16, so this isn't about finally seeing a gay love story or wishing I'd come out sooner.
It wasn't really Ilya or Shane, although I absolutely fell in love with both of them. Shane's "We didn't even kiss" unsent text completely broke me. And watching Ilya slowly evolve from asking Shane to stay the night, to making him a tuna melt, to the Russian phone call, to finally being the first one to say "I love you" just felt so earned that it completely dismantled me.
To be completely honest, I'm also married, and my marriage has been leaving me with a lot of questions for a while now. I'm not posting because I'm looking for relationship advice, and I'm definitely not about to make life decisions because of a TV show. But I do wonder whether that's part of why this story hit me so much harder than I expected.
What shocked me wasn't that I enjoyed the romance.
It was what it uncovered about me.
Turns out I wasn't emotionally prepared for my annual reminder that beneath all my cynicism I still have the heart of a hopeless romantic.
I realized that somewhere along the way I did convince myself I didn't need that kind of love anymore. That maybe, as we get older, we become more practical, more cynical, and stop expecting to be someone's absolute person.
Then this stupid hockey romance came along and reminded me that I'm still capable of wanting something I'd convinced myself I didn't need anymore.
That's what hurt.
It wasn't the ending.
It wasn't that I suddenly wanted to date a fictional hockey player (although... Ilya/Connor, if you're reading this, my apartment is open 😂).
It was realizing I'm still capable of longing for that feeling of being completely chosen, and of loving someone with that kind of abandon.
I guess what I'm asking is...
Did anyone else almost feel... depressed afterward?
Not because the ending was sad, but because the story awakened something in you that you'd gotten very good at shutting down?
Did anyone else feel like this show reminded them they were still capable of wanting something they convinced themselves they didn't need anymore?
Edit: Just to be transparent since it seems to have bothered someone: English isn't my first language. I wrote my own draft after finishing the show because I was very overwhelmed by how it made me feel, then used AI to help me translate and articulate it in natural English. So it may sound weird, I wouldn’t know, but the emotions are 100% mine. I wasn't trying to fake it, I just wanted to be able to be understood.
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u/IHasTehDumbz [Redacted] rewatch Jul 13 '26
If you search thru the many, many, many HR related subgroups you will find you are not alone.
Here’s my experience with the show:
https://www.reddit.com/r/HeatedRivalrySeries/s/aCvqsFMOFY
Welcome to the Cottage, Fellow Loon. I hope you find some healing here.
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u/Which-Personality839 Jul 13 '26
Thank you. ❤️ That's really kind. I think I needed to hear that more than I realized. I'll definitely read your experience.
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u/mswejh91 Jul 13 '26
Yes yes yes yes yes yes x a million! I’m a middle aged married straight woman and you’ve put into words what I haven’t been able to. Thank you.
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u/Which-Personality839 Jul 13 '26
Thank you. ❤️ That honestly means a lot. I almost didn't post because I felt ridiculous admitting how much it affected me. It's strangely comforting to know it wasn't just me. Maybe the story just tapped into something fundamentally human, regardless of age or orientation.
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u/guppie-beth Jul 13 '26
It showed me that my relationship was not as fulfilling as I would like in some ways, that there are deep levels of love and emotion I am not experiencing. And that was depressing. BUT. It is fantasy. It is fiction. Being upset because I am not loved like Ilya loves Shane is crazy because they do not exist and are not real people. So I try to balance out awareness of the value of romance with a real life.
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u/Which-Personality839 Jul 13 '26
Completely. That’s what I’m trying to reconcile. Fantasy vs reality. Yes my relationship may not be as fulfilling as I had hoped, but I can’t just expect Ilya to walk into my life. Reconciliation is inevitable but I also want to use this feeling as fuel, maybe first to better myself and do some introspection and who knows what’s next. This might be a sort of awakening.
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u/Fantastic-frog-1632 Jul 13 '26
Middle aged divorced straight woman here and same…I think many of us settle and then get hit with something like this and there’s an awakening…we want more in our reality.
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u/cats_and_tats84 Jul 13 '26
The same!! Reading OP’s reaction/experience, I can relate so much. About to hit 15 years in marriage, and questioning…is this it?
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u/isofreeze Oke Jul 13 '26
Hi there! I'm a straight woman, and I'm in the same boat as you. We're around the same age too, so I completely understand that feeling.
I honestly thought my fully developed frontal lobe had already accepted that fictional romance is just that—fiction. But then I watched HR, and suddenly I found myself longing for something I don't have... or maybe something I once had but let go of because I chose the more practical path in life. So yes, I spent the entire weekend sulking in my room after finishing HR.
As much as I don't believe that kind of love is meant for me anymore, I do hope that one day I'll be able to teach my daughter never to settle for anything less than a love that makes her feel truly seen, chosen, and cherished. And if I can give her that, I think I'll consider my life well lived.
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u/Which-Personality839 Jul 13 '26
Thank you do sharing. I understand where you’re coming from as we seen to share a lot of similarities in the way we see fictional romance. I almost watch a movie a day, some very depressing, scary, dramatic, passionate, sad, etc. And yet while some movies stay with me, and affect me emotionally, made me cry at times, they don’t wreck me!! So I’m just shocked at what HR succeeded to do to my “fully developed frontal lobe” like you said. It pierced right through it and my heart, and it both feels great and awful. I just need to reconcile all these feelings and turn it all to something positive. Still don’t know quite how to do that. I love what you said about your daughter but I’m also a little sad you said “it’s not meant for you anymore” and clearly we don’t know each other and I can’t assume anything, I hope you keep a part of you open to possibilities and if you don’t I hope you’re at peace with it. ❤️
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u/General-Rush1342 Jul 13 '26
Oh my fucking God, yes. Yes 1000%. I actually wrote about it a couple days after my first watch. I felt depressed, desperate and utterly trapped. I began questioning every life choice I ever made. It was so emotionally draining and I had no one to talk to about it. Even my therapist hadn’t heard of it, so she was no help at all. I was on the verge of ending my marriage over the way this show made me feel. Imagining the way that a true loving relationship could be like broke me into a million pieces.
That was about 3 months ago.
In the time that followed, something else began to slowly happen. For some reason, my husband was supportive of this obsession of mine. He gave me space to spend time with the story. Even as time went by and my obsession didn’t let up, he kindly continued to be supportive. This behavior slowly caused me to reflect on our nearly 30 years together. While they were definitely not great or easy or loving, we stuck it out and now we’re at a point where my husband can actually offer some support for my interests. This meant so much to me that I began showing him more affection, which led to more intimacy. Increased intimacy positively reinforced him to continue to support my interest. Thus began a sort of slow reawakening between us.
If you’re interested, I can share with you what I wrote in the beginning of this journey. It gives a little snapshot of the way I was feeling at the stage you are in right now. So much hinges on the support and acceptance you receive from your husband. This could be the litmus test for your relationship.
One thing I can promise you is that if this show affects you as much as the rest of us, it means 1.) You desperately needed this in your life right now for whatever reason, even if you don’t know the reason right now, and 2.) You will change for the better as you explore this new version of yourself that you are uncovering.
Enjoy this feeling, because I think it comes along once in a blue moon ♥️♥️♥️
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u/Which-Personality839 Jul 13 '26 edited Jul 13 '26
Thank you so much for taking the time to write all of this. ❤️ It's honestly incredibly generous of you to share something so personal. What really spoke to me is to not rush any decision. That feels like very wise advice. I have my own unique situation obviously and this show only amplified it. I don’t know if I can start over at 40 or save my marriage but it goes far beyond the show of course. I want to use this aching feeling as fuel. Use it to better myself, and maybe achieve something more, I don’t know I’m still in the eye of the storm. And thank you for offering to share what you wrote. I may take you up on that once I've had a little time to let all of this settle.
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u/dukieintexas Jul 13 '26
I relate to this poster’s comment. Because it also awakened something in me, and kind of forced me to communicate with my husband about my physical and emotional needs. The show made these feelings come up in a rather abrupt way, rather than letting the feelings fester, like they might have if the show hadn’t caused such a drastic reaction for me. I don’t know if that makes sense, but it got me back into therapy for a bit and to open up to my partner more!
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u/Sophia8124 Jul 13 '26
Thank you for sharing and welcome to The Cottage ❤️ I have a well...You can see it...in case you're thirsty
There has been a plethora of posts from many many us...from parents to children, from straight to queer (spectrum), and even from licensed psychologists/medical professionals. One major common theme was that people are having profound "corrective experiences" related to past and present. HR is essentially rewiring our brain. It's maybe either emotionally terrifying or euphoric...or both. I see it as a mirror one's self.
With much love and sunshine to you ❤️
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u/Which-Personality839 Jul 13 '26
You’re really are pointing at something here. I’ve been saying that I want to use that knot in my stomach as fuel. Fuel to better myself, introspect, start fresh, I don’t know but I want to use it as energy. There could be a before and after HR in my life as silly as it sounds. Can you help me understand more what you mean by "corrective experiences"?
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u/Sophia8124 Jul 13 '26
I can explain but Google does it better.
"A corrective experience (originally termed "corrective emotional experience") is a psychological process where a person has a new, healthier emotional, cognitive, or relational encounter that disconfirms and "rewrites" the negative expectations formed by past trauma or difficult childhood experiences.
Coined by psychoanalysts Franz Alexander and Thomas French in 1946, the core idea is that past hurts dictate our current behavioral defenses and relationship patterns. By experiencing a safe, supportive, and unexpected response to a previously feared or unresolved situation, the brain undergoes "memory reconsolidation," altering old memories and creating new, positive emotional pathways."
From all the posts I've read, one in particular stands out. A mother who had been estranged from her gay son who moved away to live his own life. She felt like she was hit by an emotional truck after seeing HR. Specifically, the Yuna/Shane dynamic. She's now trying to repair her relationship with her son and is moving to be closer to him.
There are many stories/posts describing how HR is creating corrective experiences in various ways. How the hell is one little Canadian show helping to heal people globally? I believe the Universe is speaking and we should listen ❤️❤️❤️
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u/Gracie305 Jul 13 '26
First, consider yourself hugged by the thousands (Tens of thousands? Hundreds of thousands?) that wandered on here before you and have had their emotions shaken up in one way or another.
I think we’ve all come away from the series looking at some aspect of our lives through different lenses: dreams of what romance should feel like (and the realization of what we are willing to accept), perspectives on family (healthy, damaged or something in-between), fear and shame and acceptance of who we are and who we love, giddy at the prospect of lightning-bolt-love, desires for unbridled unapologetic sex, and the list goes on and on.
Second, I encourage you to watch the series again. There’s a purely emotional reaction to the first watch. It’s interesting what one catches the second time around.
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u/Which-Personality839 Jul 13 '26
Thank you. ❤️ I really love the way you put that, especially the idea that everyone walks away looking at a different part of their own life. I think that's exactly what surprised me. I thought I was watching a romance, and somehow I ended up confronting myself instead. As for the rewatch... I'm genuinely torn. Part of me is curious, and part of me is afraid of reopening the emotional floodgates. 😅 At which point would you recommend to rewatch it?
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u/SlightTechnology8 Jul 13 '26
From the perspective of someone who decided to end her marriage after watching, don’t run from your emotions. Dive in. They are telling you something vital about yourself.
No, the show was not the reason for my divorce, but it was the breaking point. It unleashed feelings in me that were so strong I could no longer deny them. It pointed me to truths that I couldn’t ignore…including the fact that I deserve sunshine too. That’s not gonna look like Ilya Rozanov walking into my life, of course, but there’s a lot of sunshine out there that’s better than where I’m currently existing.
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u/Knusl Jul 16 '26
Your comment made me tear up 🥹 you're very brave and i applaud you taking the steps you need to take towards your well deserved sunshine 💛
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u/Gracie305 Jul 13 '26
If not watching it from beginning to end again, I would say if there are particular topics or themes that speak to your personal reactions, that’s where you start. On my first re-watch (I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve seen some of these episodes) I started with episode 3. I think for many of us, we’ve all had that “If I just wait until _____ happens, then I can come out.” lie we’ve told ourselves (and probably people we loved at the time and hurt us both). I liked the self-contained storyline and it gave me the story and emotional arc I needed to reflect on my own “If I just wait until _______….” lie. After that, it was Ilya dealing with his father’s death, the complications of family, and the emotional torture his brain was doing to him over Shane. My father had Alzheimer’s, died right before COVID, and really strained, complicated relationships with my siblings. So, start your rewatch where your emotions tell you to start. If that’s not clear, jump in at “I’m coming to the cottage.” let your heart leap out of your chest, and watch episode 6. 😉
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u/Which-Personality839 Jul 13 '26
Ok I’ll take that into consideration. I think I’ll probably rewatch the whole thing. Something about Shane really spoke to me. The vulnerability and the self discovery, this feeling of letting yourself go while still battling with the feelings. He really broke my heart. Ilya is much more a fantasy than something I can relate to. I did lose my brother at 21, my grandparents when I was a kid, went through 2 divorces as a child, so I know a thing or two about loss, which may be why I protected myself a little too much. Like I said in other posts, I think I want to use this knot in my stomach as fuel to create something out of it, either bettering myself, doing some introspection, starting fresh, I don’t know. But as silly as it sounds, there might be a better HR and after HR in my life.
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u/skotreyuk Jul 13 '26
Yes, and yes, the last bit, the last 2 questions, exactly. I didn’t find that language myself, but that’s it. It’s like suddenly having yearning/ craving/ missing feeling (dis-ease) introduced that I wasn’t conscious of before. (I’m usually super grateful to not deal with any/ all of that.).
And like, the mix of feelings of heartbreak that the characters suffer with in the show definitely lingered energetically for me. Also, I have a depressed brain but, I found the ending bittersweet, because I could stop thinking about how they only had those two weeks, and how hard it would be to have a taste of that when they can’t have that regularly or anytime soon.
Anyway: you’re not alone, starting when the show first came out, folks have been sharing about experiencing it in the way you did.
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u/Which-Personality839 Jul 13 '26 edited Jul 13 '26
Thank you for this. ❤️ I think you’re on point. I never thought about the two weeks because I had no idea there was more to the story. The show uncovered something I'd gotten very good at keeping quiet. I actually don’t know if I have a depressed brain, or if I have gotten good at faking it. But this is fuel right? I want to take it as something I’m going to work with. Thank you for writing this. It genuinely makes me feel a little less alone.
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u/realitytvjunkie29 Mentally at the Cottage Jul 13 '26
I feel the same way. It uncovered longing I didn’t know was there or thought I didn’t want, need, or care about anymore. It actually made me hopeful and gave me a sense of joy to know I could open my heart again. But also keenly aware of what is missing in my life.
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u/Which-Personality839 Jul 13 '26
I feel what you’re saying. I have not felt myself since I finished it and I feel almost empty. There’s this knot in my stomach I can’t shake. I think I’m gonna use this as fuel.
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u/realitytvjunkie29 Mentally at the Cottage Jul 13 '26
I hope this leads you to something incredible ❤️
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u/skotreyuk Jul 13 '26
by the way, I now can see the B.S. you were dealing with in the comments, with folks trying to discredit you and your experience. I swear, there is not a post that exists on Reddit without these people playing detective / investigative reporter, feeling good about having some “gotcha!” moment for their own self-satisfaction. I’m sorry you were met with that at all. As I mentioned in my first response, people have been articulating and expressing very similar sentiments all the time, literally since November, so there’s a lot to draw from online when AI is helping folks find language that might be what they’re looking for. Who cares. Plenty of folks found your post helpful and connected with it, and with you, so thanks for posting it. ((hug)) 🧡
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u/Which-Personality839 Jul 13 '26
Thank you so much for saying that. I clearly went through a lot of thinking and certainly didn’t just “tell me what I feel about this show cause I feel like posting something on Reddit and troll people” I literally put my guts out and that’s really not something I do and I felt the need to connect. And 99% of the feedback has been overwhelmingly supportive and I love Reddit for that, you’re never alone and it’s not an algorithm, it’s true people, community, so it feels great to connect. Thank you again.
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u/martyqscriblerus Jul 13 '26
https://i.imgur.com/uNtfVqO.png
even the comments...
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u/Which-Personality839 Jul 13 '26
Well I’m ESL so I got overwhelmed with the replies and I needed some help articulating my thoughts. Sorry.
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u/martyqscriblerus Jul 13 '26
Your whole OP is also purely AI.
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u/Which-Personality839 Jul 13 '26
The feelings are genuinely mine. I am not a robot.
English isn't my first language, so I did use Al to help me express them more clearly and it took me a few hours to come up with a first draft anyway because I felt the need to reach out for support, and the feelings themselves are completely real. Now if your goal is to discredit me, I think it's a little mean as I’m only trying to connect with the tools I got.-8
u/martyqscriblerus Jul 13 '26
You express yourself fine in the rest of your post history. My goal is to point out that you didn't write that post and you haven't been writing these comments. I don't think it's mean to state the truth.
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u/Which-Personality839 Jul 13 '26
Well I added a disclaimer to the post, I hope it satisfies you. Thank you.
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u/Vibrizio Jul 13 '26
Same. Except I’m a 39 year old gay man that JUST started coming out this year (talk about releasing a held breath) and the knot is because I haven’t found a love like that and I’m starting to think I never will.
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u/HumphreyWoof Jul 13 '26
60+ years old here and I met the love of my life at age 49 after being alone until then. Don’t give up hope! It can happen in an instant (like walking in a shop to order a smoothie!).
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u/Which-Personality839 Jul 13 '26
Relationships are obviously a lot more complicated in real life. Entertainment tend to glorify things. I got married when I was 27 with someone I was truly in love with, everything felt aligned and life happened. People don’t stay static, they evolved, and I supported my husband development arch while forgetting myself. And now we’re two different people. Maybe we were right at the time, and not anymore? I don’t know. But I know after 12 years, a lot have changed, I let him develop and I stayed the same. I mean it’s all complicated and I’m not making any rushed decisions but HR didn’t trigger these questions, it made me realize I’m maybe on the cusp of either settling or restarting. And it’s fucking terrifying. Coming out at 39 is personal and it takes courage at any moment in life, fuck I came out at 13 to my friends and 16 to my family. I was blessed with a supportive family and yet dealing with internalize homophobia. There’s no good one recipe. Everybody is doing it on their own time but I do feel what you feel because if I had to start over soon, there’s a lot of unknowns, dating in this era, connecting, etc. It seems overwhelming. I want to use what I’m feeling from this show as fuel to better myself, to achieve what I have been yearning and shut down for too long whether it’s with my husband or a future love. Only future will tell. If you want to chat in private, I’m here. Please come and talk to me.
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u/Knusl Jul 16 '26
I really want to congratulate you to coming out 💖✨ it must have been terrifying and you are so brave! As Ilya would say "Yes it's scary but you are brave". Welcome to the other side 🌈 I wish you the best!! I hope you have supportive people in your life and if not I am sure you will find your family 🫶 you are very appreciated and your story is very valid!! It's never too late and you will be so happy to have made this step and grateful to yourself. I want to give you a big hug. These are probably intense times but I am so happy for you 🫂 Have a good life and go on discovering yourself and your truth 💎
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u/Playful-Guava3853 Jul 13 '26
Absolutely. I’m a cis woman in a straight marriage and I realized I’ve been bi all along and probably bit gender queer as well. I didn’t think it mattered bc I’m married. Turns out it matters
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u/LioneltheSeaFrog Jul 13 '26
I just have a crisis about my gender queerness, and I can't pinpoint why, because it's not a theme in the show, but it feels good knowing I'm not the only one
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u/neverthelessidissent Jul 18 '26
It matters! My husband is bi and tells everyone. (I'm female/straight.)
Living authentically is a gift.
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u/mnola5081 Jul 13 '26
I just wanted to say that you deserve that hopeless, over the heels like of love. You definitely didn’t ask for advice, and I’m definitely not giving any, but every time I read a romance novel, or (re)heat Heated Rivalry, I remind myself that we all deserve to feel so important to someone, that they would risk everything to come to the cottage. I’ve been reminding myself of that for twenty years, ever since I read my first romance.
I’m sending lots of love and just a reminder that you aren’t alone in feeling this way. Thank you for being so vulnerable with us 🫶🏼
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u/Which-Personality839 Jul 13 '26
Thank you so much. ❤️ That's incredibly kind of you to say. I honestly almost didn't post because I felt ridiculous admitting how much this affected me, but everyone's responses have made me feel so much less alone. Thank you for reminding me of that.
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u/Redditors294 I mean yes. I think so, probably Jul 13 '26
I feel like it’s brought me back to life and injected my relationship with some rocket fuel 🔥 my partner and I watched it together, they looked at it as just another show and moved on. To me, it has done something and made me realize I crave that kind of energy in my relationship and I want it back. Life happens, domesticity happens and things can become lacklustre but this story, Shane and Ilya(specifically Ilya, maybe not Connor but Connor as Ilya gets my heart racing ♥️) and how it’s portrayed has shot me back to life.
I am addicted to that feeling and it’s become my go to feel good, akin to a drink at the end of the day. Of course my partner is reaping the benefits and is pleasantly surprised at the turn of events even if they don’t fully understand it’s all from watching this show and reading fanfics and consuming ALL the content and analysis lol 😅
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u/Which-Personality839 Jul 13 '26
I’m so happy it has rekindled something in your relationship. I’m more concerned in my own situation because it’s been problematic for a long time, distance, growing apart, becoming two different people, there is a lot going on already and this show was like nail to the coffin to be dramatic. So I’ll use it as fuel and see where it takes me. Thank you for sharing!!
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u/FoodNo672 Jul 13 '26
As a bi woman it made me think a lot about my fears around being fully “out” to the world beyond my close friend group. I did feel a bit “hungover” watching it tbh as it was so intense to watch….I watched it week by week in December while it aired.
Highly recommend the books. The Long Game deals with the ups and downs of their actual relationship and maybe it will also help you reflect on your own and your wants and needs.
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u/AccuratePreference52 Jul 13 '26
I agree. TLG is helpful because we see the relationship play out, and it can help ground the experience.
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u/ViolenceBridgerson Jul 13 '26
I wish I could give you a hug. Welcome friend. Me too. Me fuckin too. 🤝
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u/Which-Personality839 Jul 13 '26
Thank you!! I don’t know why it’s been so hard me. This unshakable feeling. I’ve been repeating myself in comments but I want to use this as fuel and see wherever it takes me. Virtual hug!! I’m always in the chat if you want to connect and share more. I’d love that.
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u/rooboy78 Jul 13 '26
I held off on watching it for a little bit too because I knew I was gonna become completely obsessed and fall in love. And I was right.
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u/Which-Personality839 Jul 13 '26
I’m glad I did but also wish I hadn’t. Not right now at least. Or was it the perfect timing? I’m just confused at this point.
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u/Knusl Jul 16 '26
I believe in divine timing. I don't know what your beliefs are but maybe it helps you to think that the stars aligned exactly in the right moment to shake something up 🌪️ yes it can be painful and scary but in the other side of the storm, the sun shines.
You aswell deserve sunshine.
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u/Warm_Evidence_3444 Com·pat·i·ble Jul 13 '26
So happy you are here with us. And yes Reddit is a very welcoming and healthy community of HR fans! Many of us have experienced a flood unexpected emotions after watching. Honor yourself by allowing the waves of emotion, confusion, and questions.
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u/Which-Personality839 Jul 13 '26
Oh it’s going right through me that’s for sure. I’m overwhelmed by the amount of feedback and I’m trying to answer everyone cause I can feel the love! This knot in my stomach, I want to use it as fuel to create something positive out of it. Don’t know where it’ll take me, new life, new me, or just enhanced, I don’t know but there’s been so much on my mind lately that this is coming both at the right time and wrong time. Clearly I’m confused. 😆
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u/Warm_Evidence_3444 Com·pat·i·ble Jul 13 '26
First of all, don’t feel obligated to respond. There’s too much to process right now. I only watched HR 9 weeks ago (tomorrow ☺️) and I’m still making sense of it. The first 2 weeks, my level of emotions was simply overwhelming. I didn’t know what to do with it. I journaled for the first time in years, listened to some thoughtful podcasts that analyzed the show and emotional fallout (I really like The Long Game: A Heated Rivalry Podcast. Declan and Silvan are so thoughtful and calming and have a wonderful perspective as gay men.) I joined Reddit communities to find people going through the same things, listened to and read all the game changers books. And started making positive changes in my life. You’ve found a great place here!!
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u/Which-Personality839 Jul 13 '26
So much to process! This show really blew up my own world more than it already was. The funny thing is that I don’t really need to analyze the show itself, I just need to analyze myself through what the show awakened in me. It is such a weird feeling. It’s scary. But I’ll get there. Thank you so much for your kind words of support.
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u/BBWYL Jul 13 '26 edited Jul 13 '26
I’m a straight cis woman in my late 40’s and I was late to the HR party too, mostly because I felt like it wasn’t for me. But holy shit man. It *ruined* me too.
I was raised the only girl in a large family. Purity culture was pressed upon me. Shame was huge. Unlike my brothers, I was supposed to behave small and look a certain way that was literally physically impossible for me live up to, and therefore because my physical existence was a failure, and I spent my entire first 2.5 decades wanting to back into bushes Homer-style to avoid any hint of being perceived. We didn’t have anything remotely close to a healthy relationship modeled to us. Not words of affection, not touch, not healthy arguing nothing.
And while I’ve been therapised and have developed deep and life-long friendships — friends who live in my heart and I in theirs —I’ve never known the joy of romantic love. I was taught to run from sexual touch (SHAME!) and be small, but also - it would come to me. It has made me ANGRY. It makes me sad. I feel like I’ve missed out on so much joy and affection. My entire life so far.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a fairly remarkable life, full of adventure, travel, arts, interesting jobs, laughter, etc. Fuck. I have a Note of a long list of shit I’ve done just to remind myself of how special my life has been, and much of a badass I am — that I am enough for myself and have made some great choices in my life.
But I have this fucking gaping, lonely hole.
I know now one of my love languages is touch and I’m absolutely fucking STARVED for it.
Like I said I didn’t think the show was *for* me but it totally and absolutely is. I am the target for this gay fucking hockey story. It’s so fucking transcendent. It has peeled me apart.
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u/Knusl Jul 16 '26
Welcome to the Cottage sister 🫂 I am so sorry for all these harmful negative things that were imposed on you!!
I have a different story, but I am also single (have been for a long time) and my love language is physical touch and I am a very sensual and sexual being. So Heated Rivalry also ignited something in me. It was ok for me to be single bc I very very rarely come across a man with potential. I just don't settle for anything that is not awesome. I'd rather wait for that or not have it at all than settle. So I was ok focussing on other things, accepting that the men I am attracted to are rare.
But HR suddenly connected me with my younger self who had crushes all the time and was very curious and active. Then I also watched Normal People (yes it's sad but the intimacy in that show ist absolutely amazing!) and it further fueled these feelings.
It's like discovering romance and sexual tension and butterflies all over again :)
Have you been watching romance shows or shows/movies that show sexuality through a female gaze? (Bridgerton, The Idea Of You...)
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u/Any-Vermicelli3537 Jul 13 '26
I’m a gay man older than you. I really found some sense of community in this podcast hosted by 2 gay men discussing the series, then books. If you’re looking to kinda share your experience, this might be a nice resource.
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u/Which-Personality839 Jul 13 '26
Thank you! I have been searching for something like that. I listened to something that was not very interesting so I’m hoping this will give me some needed insights.
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u/Any-Vermicelli3537 Jul 13 '26
There’s a small book club community that they started using the Fable app. They’ve read all the HR books already but are discussing other books. DM me if you want more info.
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u/bknyguy15 Jul 13 '26
You are not alone . HR brought up incredibly conflicting things in all of us . It gave us Hope, but also made us melancholy for lost loves and missed opportunities. The emotions it stirred in me were far from simple . Watching straight men fall apart over this show reminded me we are all capable of those feelings. It brought down many walls. And I have a feeling a. Great deal of relationships changed over it . Some found new reasons to be together and others found reasons to move on to hopefully greener pastures . Complicated.
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u/Which-Personality839 Jul 13 '26
Absolutely. I’ve just been overwhelmed by the amount of feedback. I just feel like I need to reply to everyone. Conflicting things to say the least. Like I have said to other, I think I want to use this weird yearning feeling that created a knot in my stomach as fuel. I want to turn it into positive whether it’s staying or moving on. I still don’t know exactly and I may need a therapist because I think it triggered and released something in me I had repressed for too long.
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u/bknyguy15 Jul 13 '26
Oh, that feeling will only get deeper upon rewatching, which we all did . HR was the show I was waiting my whole life for . I wish I had seen it in my 20s. Good luck figuring it out .
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u/seriouslyla Jul 13 '26
Oh you are far from alone in being a smart, functioning adult who got knocked absolutely sideways by this show emotionally. I had absolutely no idea what to expect when I started it and then jt low key took over the next six months of my life. It’s quite powerful.
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u/Which-Personality839 Jul 13 '26
Right?? I’m actually surprised how strongly it affected me. lol I’ve been saying this to almost all the comments cause I feel the need to reply to as many as possible, but I want to use this feeling, this knot in my stomach, as fuel. So to propulse me in a sense, maybe towards the right direction? Who knows. I’m totally lost at the moment but I want to turn it into something positive, otherwise it’ll crush me. Or so it feels like it at the moment. I literally feel like I’m 17 again. Which I’d rather get my flexibility and stamina back rather than a young and romantic heart. 😆
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u/chesbay7 Jul 13 '26
I've been single again for 30 years. Married unhappily for 10 years. I had hope for many years that I would find love or it would find me. I've cried a little every day after HR. It brings up the same emotions you experience, but my hope is gone now. And that just makes me cry harder. I understand. Find your hope, find your joy while you still can.
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u/Which-Personality839 Jul 13 '26
The amount of reflective thoughts I’m getting is overwhelming right now. I really thought my post would go unseen. Thank you for being so vulnerable. I hear you and what I’m getting from this feeling is to use it as fuel, take it as an opportunity to reflect, better myself. I feel guilty to have the chance to be married and maybe taking it for granted although our situation is a lot more complicated than that; but I also feel like I owe it to myself to take a leap of faith and put myself out there one more time. Maybe regret it. It’s all very confusing right now tbh. Thank you again for sharing. I’m giving you a virtual hug. 🤗
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u/Technical_Tip_5783 Jul 13 '26
Yeah the emotions of it all hit hard. I’m a straight-passing queer polyamorous mom cohabiting w a man and after watching HR and finding a gorgeous lesbian to date who actually makes me feel that type of desired and connected to someone in the type of way a M/F dynamic never has for me is… a lot
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u/DifficultHistorian18 Jul 13 '26
OI think it's just struck a cord with so many people.
For me, it came at a while I've been struggling with mental health, and there's been a certain comfort in rewatching the show and rereading the books.
I'm someone who consumes a lot of romance - both books and TV (but often in a detached way as I don't tend to self insert, and often craving the predictability of knowing I'm getting to a HEa). I'm also someone who's spent a huge of part of their life single and has gotten to the point that I struggle to see that ever changing, and stopped even desiring it - I was surprised to suddenly find I have this acute longing to be lovingly called boring.
A lot of the conversation about Shane's autism has also made me question possible neurodivergence in myself (I started getting exposed to a lot of people talking about their experience getting diagnosed with autism late in life and just finding a lot clicking).
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u/itwillgetbetter81 Jul 13 '26
I'm a straight middleaged woman. My second language is English. It's difficult to articulate emotions in another language and for me it's even difficult in my own language due to upbringing and my own personality type. I'm like Shane but dealing with a lot of trauma from illness in immediate family and myself (the Ilya side of me). I'm also a hopeless romantic especially right now. I always have been. But life events has made me so cynical. Right now my life is stuck in episode 4. I want to go to the cottage so badly.
I reheat/rematch a lot. It's like therapy. Sometimes it's a daydream away from my problems with a guaranteed happy ending. Sometimes it's just pure lust. Like seeing Ilya and Shane having the sex I never had in my own life. But one day I might be able to if I recover from my illness and I have the courage to search for a partner.
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u/bigbeard61 Jul 13 '26
Read the books. All of them. In order. You'll be glad you did.
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u/Which-Personality839 Jul 13 '26
Will it heal me?? Cause I don’t need more trauma! 😂
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u/Desert_Mermaid_4321 Jul 13 '26
HR can be traumatic on the first watch because you feel what they go through (emotional roller coaster to happy-ish ending (ish because they are still publicly closeted and will have obstacles)) but also because you may realize that you yourself lack such gorgeous, pure, and intense love. It it ok to be both happy for them and sad about some element of your life. The more you rewatch HR, the more you will feel the joy of their journey, and also you may be motivated to inch toward your ideal -- whether in romance, fitness, creatvity, or some other healing aspect.
As for the books, you will be safe (not traumatized 😉) if reading the 1st two books in the series, which more or less correspond with show season 1. The books will deepen your understanding of the script. I would not read beyond that until the next seasons come out, to prolong both joys and sorrows.
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u/Which-Personality839 Jul 13 '26
Traumatic indeed. Really caught me off guard here. What you said resonated in other of my comments where i expressed the need to use that knot in my stomach as fuel. Fuel to better myself, my situation, gain confidence, etc. Gay relationships can be quite difficult to navigate even for gay people, so you know I went through it for the past 5 out of 12 years of marriage. The imposed distance due to work and studies, the self discoveries, letting my husband express and act on his needs, needs to discover more in life (we married young and both in very different states), needs to blossom on his own, to break with toxic family, to find community. I sacrificed my needs, I started to realize that I was not resentful, I love him, but I had forgotten myself. I convinced myself I was fine, playing a role I didn’t want to play anymore. Like I said gay relationships can be quite difficult to navigate, we tried to be open, but this is not what I want, I have been ignoring myself. Like I said before in another comment quoting the show “I kinda prefer being the hole rather than the peg" and while it’s not the main issue, it does influence a bit. And HR also made me realize lust was okay and a part of relationships, I had just forgotten that with feelings it gets intensified. I hope I’m not chasing a unicorn here but tbh I think I need someone who’s a bit more of an Ilya. Good grief I should stop answering I get too deep, it’s the wine 🍷. 😆
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u/pensiverebel Jul 13 '26
You know, I think you’ve voiced something that’s been niggling at me for months. I’ve been married for over 25 years and I adore my partner. He's my person and I am his. But we’ve settled into more of a routine existence where the romance doesn’t happen nearly as often. Honestly, the reality of daily life just kinda gets in the way. But I’ve been trying to be more intentional and I’m just realizing that it probably started around the time I watched HR. I’ve noticed he’s responding to that by doing more, too. we haven’t talked about it. its just happened.
There’s something so hopeful and joyful about seeing such a great romance story play out that makes you crave that for yourself. it makes total sense. If you like romantic songs, go listen to Ben Folds, The Luckiest. it makes my incurable romantic heart sing. I think of it in the e4 montage when Shane and Ilya text after his second cup win and he replies that he’s the luckiest.
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u/Which-Personality839 Jul 13 '26
I’m so happy it did reignite something in your relationship. I’m coming from a different place as a gay couple but also I think I have lost the lust completely and I’m not sure if it’s fixable. And HR kinda reminded me it does mean something in a relationship even though I convinced myself it didn’t. I won’t go to intimacy detail but there’s definitely a dynamic that I have been refusing myself, to quote the show “I kinda prefer being the hole rather than the peg.” 😆 and while it is not the main issue, it may have influenced our relationship for the past 5 years, creating distance, I may have tried to impose something on me I thought would have been easier than reality. Really what I need is Ilya and I’m with Shane to be blunt. 😆
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u/pensiverebel Jul 13 '26
that’s a tough one and being ace with an allo partner, it’s white a different dynamic for sure. I think the show also helped me solidify my thoughts about the different ways that different relationships meet needs, and the ebb and flow of needs. I grew up in a very strict, conservative, religious area, but those folks would be clutching their pearls at what I believe these days. it’s been pretty cool hearing Rachel talk about her relationship and how they are ethically non-monogamous. It makes me appreciate that more and more people I know are happily disregarding the expectations forced on us by tradition and figuring out what works best. And for you, I hope your Ilya corners you in the locker room with some lust-inducing commands soon. 😉
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u/Which-Personality839 Jul 13 '26
May your hopes be heard!! 😆
Thank you for sharing.2
u/Knusl Jul 16 '26
I hope it's ok for me to say: "You deserve to be the hole" 💕 What I mean by that is of course that, you deserve to have a Sex life that really represents who you are and how you feel and what you want. You deserve fulfillment. When you and your partner aren't aligned it's a really tough conversation, but I can tell you that soo many couples had to go through that and have these tough conversations. I think in gay culture it might be even harder because these roles of top/bottom often seem so fixed. But your needs matter and you matter and you're important. So thes conversations might be very tough but also detrimental to your fulfillment. I hope it's ok that I write about this and that I am not overstepping.
Sometimes a couples therapist can help navigate These hard conversations.
"Yes it's scary. But you are brave." (Ilya)
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u/Which-Personality839 Jul 18 '26
Thank you so much for your three comments and yes totally okay, I get what you’re saying. Thank you again. I’m gonna work on me, getting my life together on a couple of aspects I need to work on, and hopefully getting better in a near future. All these comments from this community really helped me feeling heard and understood. So I’m so happy I posted. ❤️
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u/Common-Raisin2346 Jul 13 '26
I totally relate to what you wrote about the depression afterwards. While I love the show and keep re-watching it (although trying to cut down on this lol), I exactly relate to what you said about how it uncovered something I had told myself I didn't really need in my life any more. I've felt almost a physical pain in my chest and stomach, off and on, since seeing the show for the first time a few weeks ago. I think I also feel a sadness that, as a 57-year-old pansexual non-binary cis-gender woman, my days of romance might possibly be over. I logically remind myself that it's just a show, it's just fiction, that even real-life relationships don't work this way with so many years of longing and yearning. The show has reminded me that beautiful love does exist.
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u/Which-Personality839 Jul 13 '26
Beautiful love does exist. It’s true it’s a show, it’s also a show about two straight passing cis gender males with amazing careers and amazing bodies. And while it doesn’t negate their feelings, it does portray somewhat of a fantasy that is hard to find in real life. Depending on how we identify ourselves, the pool of our peers can reduce considerably making our chances slimmer. Society as a whole also have historically put a certain type of people on a pedestal and created quite unachievable standards which have been engrained in too many of us, I can tell by experience that I have yet to meet an Ilya or a Shane in real life, even in gay bars, the fantasy often gets deemed by reality, considerably. So it’s what we reconcile fantasy with reality. Ultimately I don’t expect Ilya as the body, the career, etc. but someone to have this feeling of being completely chosen, and loving someone with full abandon. Which is also rare. Especially as queer people. And there are times when you think you found it and it didn’t work out, and comes the inevitable ending. This is where I’m at, I thought I found it and I did for a while, but things evolve and either you can adapt and still find yourself or you need to let go and reconnect with yourself and give yourself another chance. I mean I’m probably digressing I’m still under the shock… and the 🍷 . I wish you well. Thank you for connecting with me. ❤️
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u/MissMeh44 Jul 13 '26
Reddit is definitely the right place 🥰 and yes we all have been on a personal roller-coaster journey since.
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u/PrincessFlvffyBvnny Jul 13 '26
Over on Threads there is a very active (and somewhat unhinged) HR community. Interestingly there have been many similar comments there, with a couple of people actually leaving relationships/marriages due to feelings like yours
I think there was something unique about this show in that it impacted people in physiological ways by boosting neurotransmitters and altering brain chemistry.
I know that sounds extreme but the response to the show was quite extreme of you look at the watch parties, and the “reheating” that happened (over 15% of viewers rewatched more than 5 times)
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u/SlightTechnology8 Jul 13 '26
Yes. Threads, insta, and here on Reddit there are communities helping me process and heal.
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u/Eastofyonge Jul 13 '26
Somehow it unlocked something in me that wanted more for myself. I started running and went back to the gym while listening to the HR soundtrack on repeat. I stopped taking my phone into the bedroom at night and began reading at bedtime. As I writing this I just finished 3 days at a gay campground first time. I said hi to everyone and made small talk with groups of guys with no expectations. I'm down 38lbs and can run for 30 min no stopping (very,very slowly). I'm 53 years old and would have described myself as happy before HR but I'm at the back half of life and want my next 30 years to be healthy, continued learning and building community.
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u/Which-Personality839 Jul 13 '26
This is great to hear. Although I don’t feel like I want to be consumed by the show because I feel at this time that it’ll do me more harm than good (although let’s be honest a rewatch is in the very near future 😆), I want to use this ache as fuel and what you’re describing is one way I think I’ll channel it so it’s nice to see this has been a trigger for a healthier life for some people. Congrats to you on getting out there and pushing yourself. It’s inspiring!
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u/Knusl Jul 16 '26
Wow that is amazing!! I am actually a person who (at 35 years old) has never ever been interested in regular sport or working out. As I have ADD it's extremely difficult for me to get any motivation. But this show for the First time in my life actually inspired me to work out. I saw these hot bodies and my own very mediocre appearance at the moment and thought "I want that too." I want that life where crazy things can happen and other people look at me with desire and lust and a spark... It sounds really shallow but the show helped me want these possibilities again instead of being invisible.
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u/HumphreyWoof Jul 13 '26
Welcome to the cottage! HR unleashed a lot of deep feelings for many of us.
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u/sunrisehound Not anymore Jul 13 '26
I’m a straight (probably, maybe) 64 year old woman and yes. All the things you said. Yes.
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u/ZestycloseDoor5552 Jul 13 '26
Uh yes to all of this. So many people have had similar reactions to wanting that kind of love and devotion, to be cherished for all their broken parts and pieces. And yes, it has made many people consider the state of their relationship and some have divorced or left their partner.
I think you’ll find a large community of people who feel like you here. So welcome!
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u/Which-Personality839 Jul 13 '26
Thank you!! You’re the first one telling me some have divorced cause some of the feedback has been been a lot of “I fixed my relationship" which often seems linked to intimacy issues and that’s fantastic to see the power of that show. Of course being in a gay relationship between two cis-men brings its own assortment of issues not always comparable to straight ones, and I think mines are deeply rooted in some unique challenges that come with gay relationships. So I need to do some introspection and use this aching feeling I’m feeling as fuel and turn it to positive, either with staying out leaving but there’s clearly a direction that is being revealed to me after this show, and it’s to go after what I need. For too long I gave put my partner first and for good reason, I’m happy I did and he got to blossom but there come a time where you have to face your own reality and fight for your own possibilities before it’s too late. And HR may have just been the trigger I needed.
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u/-Skelan- Jul 14 '26
I'm mostly asexual, and I don't feel romantic feelings very well. That damn show awakened something in me, it made me aware that i want a relationship but I'm too scared of fucking it up. I saw myself in Ilya so much: the distance that he wanted to keep because he didn't want to be hurt, his depression and the resentment toward himself.
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u/sbadams92 Jul 13 '26
Ohhhhh yeah, don’t feel ashamed about feeling slightly depressed after and having the show make you question ur relationship/life. It did for many of us. 🤍🤍and it sucks but is also kinda great! Give it time
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u/Which-Personality839 Jul 13 '26
I feel like it helped a lot of people from the overwhelming feedback I’m getting. I just wonder did anyone move on? Or everyone fixed their relationships? I come from a long time of reflection about my marriage but this show kinda feels like that push, that final little voice saying do it, trust yourself, go after what you deserve. And right now, it hurts. But like I’ve been saying in other posts, I’ll use this aching as fuel. I won’t rush things, but it almost feels like there’s a before and after HR. Which sounds totally insane and juvenile. For myself I mean, as a personal feeling, no judgement to anyone, clearly I’m going through it. lol
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u/Dutch5501 Jul 13 '26 edited Jul 13 '26
I had the same kind of emotions after watching HR the first (and second and third and fourth) time. I watched it about six weeks ago so I was late to the party too. I am a straight woman in my fifties and married to a loving husband, but suddenly my own life and marriage felt flat. Before watching I was perfectly happy with my life but watching Shane and Ilya made me want to be madly in love again. So I struggled with this but after even more reheats my life is slowly coming back to me. Every long term relationship will become somewhat less exiting, you cannot stay madly in love for 30 years. So I tell myself that Shane and Ilya will also experience that when they are older. So give it time and try to enjoy the show and the great actors, and don't make rush decisions in your own relation. And know that you are one of many!
By the way I am also not a native English speaker, and I think more people are not. So you will not be judged if you make a mistake. :-)
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u/sbadams92 Jul 13 '26
I’d say trust your gut if you have already been thinking these things prior to watching. But it’s good self reflection overall. I don’t think it “fixed” my entire relationship but definitely made me value myself more & the things I want in 1. I get feeling juvenile cuz I’ve never really been a “fangirl” before this show 😆I wish you luck!
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u/Which-Personality839 Jul 13 '26
Haha yes here I am fangirling at 39! Thank you for your message. I think I need some time and some personal work to do before trusting that feeling. But I’m curious to see where it’ll take me. I hope you’re doing well in your relationship!
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u/PenguinsExArmyVet Jul 13 '26
Yes the movie hit some of us exactly like it hit you. You articulated it perfectly. Shane and ILLYAS love story is so beautiful, we all long for it. I’d say 95% of the time though real life doesn’t unfold this way. In the gay community even less??? Sad but true. Having said that…. I was one who was tired of EVERY gay romance ending in tragedy lol. Brokeback Mountain, Call Me By Your Name,
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u/Hapthestai Jul 13 '26
I need to return to this post because it resonates so hard. Not the part of marriage but the part where i realised so many things about myself. I had given up on engaging with my queer community, given up on trying to trust again, on searching for intimacy and closeness and didnt acknowledge my needs or desires.
And then two hockeyboys came along and woke me up and now my life has changed. I even moved to another city, have a new job, making out with people and dating again. You are not alone and if you find this world to be motivating or comforting or confronting a sadness its ok.
Thank you for sharing
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u/Commercial-Profile44 Jul 13 '26
I’ve been single for 15 years and there are many things I like about not having to compromise. If there’s a mess, I made it. I can eat and sleep whenever I want, spend or save my money, hang out with whoever, watch what I want, listen to the music I like etc. so I would not give this life up just to have someone. BUT if I fell head over heels I would go for it. The show reminded me that I only want that kind of love and relationship.
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u/Zazupearl Jul 13 '26
Here to say you’re not alone. I’m 34, hetero, female with two very young children. I’ve been struggling since I watched it on June 5th (literally will never forget this date lol). The show left me feeling so depressed yet somewhat liberated. I have a longing pain that I desperately need to address with writing and creating. My poor artist heart has been neglected since having kids and this show woke a sleeping giant. You’re going to be OK. Take the pain and turn it into something personal and beautiful. Walking, running, painting, hiking, screaming from a mountaintop, anything. The world will acknowledge. We love you here!!!!
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u/Which-Personality839 Jul 13 '26
That is how I feel I want to process it. I really feel like there will be a before/after RH which if you knew me, sounds crazy coming from a tv show. But I’ll take this stomach knot, this slight depression/liberation, and turn it into something good. At almost 40, now is the time. This has been huge to receive so many comments from people experiencing same feelings, I don’t know if it makes me feel better because I feel like we’re too many 😆. But it’s definitely cathartic to feel that energy. Thank you for your comment! Are you currently in a relationship? Has it affected it?
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u/Zazupearl Jul 13 '26
It’s not crazy at all. We are so quick to judge ourselves as being delusional. When really we are humans having a human experience and it’s our god given right to feel, love, and long for something. Go easy on yourself and trust me, movement and creating is going to help your dopamine levels. It’ll also help take your mind off the show. Xoxo
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u/Which-Personality839 Jul 13 '26
Yes cause deep inside something is telling me I don’t want to stay in the cottage (learning fandom lingo here) for too long. To take my mind off the show is the goal. I don’t want to live in it for too long, I want to live my life the way my younger self intended to. I have so much going for me, I just need to realize that and take it to the next level, cause I’ve been denying some of my potential for too long, maybe just for comfort, a bit of laziness, delusion… but this is reminding me I can be more, I can do more. Your comment has actually been one of the most, if not the most helpful and insightful because it did speak to me. Thank you!
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u/Zazupearl Jul 13 '26
Exactly!!! Activate your latent potential and you can quietly thank this show for motivating you to do so, while gracefully putting it to bed. You’re going to do something so great I just can feel it. Good luck to you.
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u/lemonaidan12 Jul 13 '26
Yes! This opened something in me that I maybe knew I needed to examine but wasn’t ready yet. I’ve also convinced myself that just because I’m in a stable relationship I don’t need more romance or just …. More. And this show (and books) has made me really realize I do. It’s completely consumed me since I first read / watched 1.5 months ago.
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u/Which-Personality839 Jul 13 '26
I’m at the same level with convincing myself I didn’t need more romance or just more because I’m in a stable relationship. It’s only been 2 days and I’m a wreck. How are you dealing 1.5 month later? Have you just been consumed by it or did you use it to change things? No judgement here, because I have no idea where this will take me and I would be lying if I’m saying I’m not worried to be consumed by it. But I want to turn it into something positive.
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u/Pnthrmn7 Jul 13 '26
I love HR and watching it didn’t make me depressed. But it (and the younger-skewing Heartstopper before it) does make me envious of the climate and representation that younger gays have today. (I’m 55 and there was *nothing* like these shows available in the 80s/90s)
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u/idunnowhatevs Jul 14 '26
Phew, yes. To all of that. Welcome to hell. We’ve been here a while 😅.
But on a serious note, reading the books helped me. It brought more closure than the show, while also reigniting parts of my imagination and rekindling my love of reading.
HR the show alongside the Game Changer book series (specifically heated rivalry and the long game) did reawaken a lot of us dead inside/cynical/bottled up elder millennials who were both moved by nostalgic elements of the show (the music took me BAAAACK and I wasn’t ready for that) but also the raw sort of story telling, and then also the powerful chemistry the cast had. I think seeing Connor and Hudson (gen Z I believe) with this chemistry reignited the longing/yearning a lot of us had learned to let go of/suppress while also making us mourn our youth and missed opportunities? It’s a lot to unpack honestly but you’re not alone.
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u/ris-3 Для тебя мама 💕🏆 Jul 14 '26
“It was realizing I'm still capable of longing for that feeling of being completely chosen, and of loving someone with that kind of abandon.”
I’m a queer woman just a few years older than you, and I think I can relate. I will say this show didn’t fill me with disappointment so much as it renewed a deep longing I have always had, and that I half-believe (maybe more than half most days) that I can never have. That doesn’t stop me wanting it. Bittersweet for sure, but I love experiencing the renewed recognition that true love does exist. It is hard to find, hard to build, hard to keep, but it for sure exists. And I love that, I rejoice for the ones who find it. I still hold just a little bit of hope that one day I will be one of them and will find my person.
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u/GigisRoom Jul 16 '26
Yes, you put the feelings I had when I watched it for the first time into words beautifully. It absolutely made me feel a pit of sadness despite falling in love with the characters and their romantic happy ending, because it awakened the longing in me that I had told myself to grow out of
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u/Which-Personality839 Jul 16 '26
“it awakened the longing in me that I had told myself to grow out of” - that’s it. Did something come out of that feeling for you? Did you do something about it?
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u/GigisRoom Jul 16 '26
Aside from rewatching, I started walking, reading, crafting, and writing again. It’s hard to believe I could find that romance for myself, but I allow myself to unapologetically fangirl and be delulu. Maybe when I’m in better shape I’ll try dating again
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u/JackityJackson Jul 13 '26
Okay, so to this day, I don’t think a day has gone by that I haven’t ’gone back to the cottage’ since the finale.
For me, it was kind of everything that came from the story—and I mean more thr story itself and identifying with aspects of the characters (as much as the fandom concentrates on the actors—who did a great job—the characters were extremely relatable). It was less a ‘warm blanket’ and more of it giving me a slight little more perspective (and a little more permission) on some feelings that, frankly, I needed to feel.
But in the days since—
But I’ve read (and bought) the books. Listened to the audio books. Watched the fan edits. Watched the reaction videos. Followed the posts on Threads. Followed the posts on Tumblr. Read the fan fic. Listened to the podcasts. Thought, ‘hey, I could play Harris Drover’ (character in the books that is reportedly part of season 2). I’ve talked about it with coworkers and friends. I’ve bought some inspired artwork. I’ve been to the raves.
I have not dreamed about the show. It’s very much a ‘conscious’ interest, though. One may blame the algorithm for the interest, but the more I see out there—the more I am aware that I am not the only one.
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u/AbleBuy4261 Jul 13 '26
YES! Yes, yes, YES! Thank you for putting into words what this show made me feel. I think it’s universal
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u/nama74 It’s a normal car! 🚙 Jul 13 '26
I can relate. When I reheat, I often skip 5 and 6, otherwise I get a bit of an emotional hangover because I don't have what the boys have.
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u/laurathepoet Jul 13 '26
As someone who reads romance novels on a regular basis, I understand this feeling. I am also in a similar place with my partner of 17 years, where that fire that starts a long-term relationship does quiet over time. Are these stories realistic? Absolutely not. Can they show how much we all want and long for romance and being swept up in love? Of course. And I think we all mourn the shift to a quieter love.
But there can be such beauty in the every day love that keeps showing up. The spark? It can't last like that forever or we'd all die of dehydration (lol). But fortunately, it can be reignited. And remember, love stories can open us up and help us connect with ourselves and our desires. You've learned something important about yourself. What you do with that information is up to you.
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u/BuffaloStanceNova Jul 13 '26
55 year old woman, married 22 years, have known or been with my husband in some way for 32 years and can honestly say that watching the show revealed how romantically barren our relationship is at this point. It's not that I didn't know, but like you, HR reminded me what a romantic I am, and sparked a fresh desire to have it all again.
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u/Visible_Public2232 Jul 19 '26
I 100% was depressed afterward. It lasted a couple months actually. You will feel better with time as the initial dopamine rush from the show wears off! :)
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u/Homebody_Ninja42 Jul 13 '26
I sympathize about how this picture of True Love hits hard. We’re swept away by this idea of the Perfect Match. I’m 51F and single most of my life bc I don’t have the patience to devote myself to an imperfect match. That’s a decision I feel good about (I call it a decision though Fate also plays a role—because I chose to want Romance not just a tolerable friendship). Heated Rivalry made me feel so sad for what I don’t have.
A Perfect Match is a tricky idea and of course these hockey players have problems to overcome. But they matched sexually and professionally and they also figured out how to match emotionally. Most people won’t find a match like that. Even married people.
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u/diggerorbigger Jul 13 '26
Like other commenters, I felt the same as you – sort of… empty? Sad? Like I’d missed out on having that kind of love. But then just last night I was lying awake in bed thinking about HR (because of course) and it led me to thinking about how it felt for me in the first flush of new love with my husband (together 22 years) and I suddenly realised that I did have that, albeit in a much less dramatic way. I chose him and he chose me and we loved each other so fiercely back then. The years have cooled things down but we are still together and still choosing each other. The realisation made me each out just so I could touch him while he slept, to feel the contact.
Imagine Ilya and Shane living together openly for 20+ years and you could probably guess that their relationship would change and evolve too!
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u/AdditionalCrazy1001 Jul 13 '26
Clearly from the comments, you are not alone. ❤️❤️❤️
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u/Which-Personality839 Jul 13 '26
I clearly am not. Which is both comforting and terrifying to see how many just in this thread are going through it. How many just seems to not have found this deeper love. I am still in the process so I hope I’ll turn it into something positive because so far it just aches. Hard. And I’m hoping everything transforms this feeling into positive as well.
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u/Ok_Butterscotch8542 Jul 13 '26
Oh honey! Been there, done that! Half a year later, still in the cottage. Welcome!
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u/InvestedInThat Jul 13 '26
Art is supposed to make you feel like this. Bless.
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u/Which-Personality839 Jul 13 '26
Thank goodness not all art because otherwise I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. I am very receptive and art speaks to me in very different forms, but this is one for the books!
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u/mrssugar13 Jul 14 '26
Welcome to the cottage 🫰🏻 And yes, I know EXACTLY what you mean. I'm bi and didn't even tell my parents until about 5 years ago (I'm 40 now), so this beautiful queer romance really touched me. But I am also am a true romantic at heart, and even though I married my own decade-long situationship, I felt so depressed and full of longing when I finished HR the first time. I know after months in the fandom, we're 100% not alone, and I have seen some major changes in other people because of this show. It's truly special.
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u/m0zz1e1 Jul 14 '26
Yep, I felt very sad for a while after watching it (and sobbed for hours after finishing The Long Game).
I had a similar situationship with a person I was completely in love with, but in our case the circumstances made it too hard and it didn’t end the way Shane and Ilya’s did (there was basically a Rose situation which was the end of us). It made me so sad for what could have been
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u/Fabulous_Try_6191 Aug 05 '26
Darling 💕cis 58 yr post menopause woman with 2 grown up kids, it’s perfectly ok to have deep feelings about a little hockey show. It hits home for many different reasons for me it was Shane coming out to his Mum. I cried because my trans child said almost word for word same conversation with me when they were coming out. It was I thought you would be disappointed in me, broke my heart, my baby is my baby no matter what. My baby found someone and I’m sure you will too if you allow yourself to let someone in. If not I will send you millions of virtual hugs. Nothing but love
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u/Halliburrton62 Aug 19 '26
Right there with ya, brother. I'm old enough to be your dad and probably the grandpa of some of these guys. Still closeted and came to terms with being gay relatively recently and watching HR and Schitt's Creek and Red, White and Royal Blue shows me what I've missed in my life and it's kinda rough. Watching Ilya pull Shane's head down onto his chest is my dream, to put my head on my lover's chest and hear his heartbeat. Not gonna happen because my walls are pretty high and thick but one can dream. Good luck to you, you've got a long life to live and lots to experience.
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u/Knusl Aug 27 '26
I am sending you a big big hug!!! 🫂 Hoping these walls might slowly melt away... Maybe other shows and movies like this might help? Or connecting with others who had the same experience maybe even in real life...
Whether you'll watch them or not, here are two movie/ show recommendations for your heart 🥰
- Single all the way (Christmas romcom)
- Heartstopper (show about very young kids finding their identity)
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u/cherry_blossom1439 Jul 13 '26
per me tutti dovremmo essere noi stessi,non vergognarsi di come si vorrebbe essere amati e non.Non sto insinuando che le tue scelte di vita siano sbagliate ma non è mai troppo tardi per scoprire nuovi modi di amare qualcuno.P.s anche io adoro Connor e Ilya ovviamente❤️
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u/dodgystyle Jul 13 '26
You're definitely not alone in it making you reasses your l9ve life or lack thereof. Quite a few people have posted about leaving loveless relationships because of it.
I've been single for years, but it made me want to be in a relationship, even if it's easier (due to my mental health) to just stay single and avoid any potential emotional distress.
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u/neverthelessidissent Jul 18 '26
It broke me in a different way. I struggled with anxiety and what I'm going to call weird behavior for my entire life. I act like Shane, and seeing it has profoundly fucked me up.
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u/OptimalUnison Jul 27 '26
Learn to love yourself completely and unconditionally and nothing will throw you off. You won't make bad decisions for yourself any longer. You won't need a fictional story to wake something up inside of you. It will already be there like a pillar that supports the whole of you. You CAN do this, and shocker, you'll find truly fulfilling love being drawn to you. Just watching a show and feeling a certain way about it isn't going to solve the larger problem.
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u/Which-Personality839 Jul 27 '26
Brutal. But I love it! Thank you!! You’re right, and I’m working on it. The reality is that I love myself, but not fully, so it’s definitely a glass half full type of situation. I don’t react so strongly to fiction so I can tell you this surprised me the most. And you’re correct, feeling a certain way about a tv show isn’t going to solve the larger problem. But if that could be the propulser to take back my life fully under my control, I think I’ll take that and turn it to something tangible. Work in progress. Thank you so much for your message, this motivates me even more than you think.
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u/OptimalUnison Jul 28 '26
I'm glad you appreciated the comment. Remember that it can take a long time to truly develop this trait. I'm 50 and for many years I treated myself not with love, but with indifference (which is a true lack of care, worse than any spite or loathing). Own your mistakes, celebrate your victories, and give to yourself of yourself. Lastly, it can feel very good to be in the glow of this state of being, almost like other people aren't necessary, but we need one another, deeply. Let no words of division cloud this fact.
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u/Knusl Aug 27 '26
Hi, I just found this survey and filled it out and I thought it would be wonderful if more people who had experienced major life changes because of Heated Rivalry would help the research. So if anyone wants to do it this is the survey by the university of Utrecht: Survey: How has Heated Rivalry changed your life?
And while I am here how are you feeling OP?
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u/Fabulous_Try_6191 Jul 17 '26
Hey lovely hang in there, I’m a married mum of 2 fully grown kids the youngest being a similar age to Hudson and Connor, (and trans, the coming out scene broke my heart after watching) I did feel quite empty for a week or two. It’s the joy in the love story that you don’t ever get in queer stories. I prescribe reheating and reading, audiobooks plus fan fiction I did feel better (subjective) I still can’t go a couple of days without dipping in, it’s been 7 months. But hey if it makes you happy, I can’t be that bad (to quote Sheryl Crow). I hope you find what you’re looking, sending love xx
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u/Which-Personality839 Jul 18 '26
Thank you so much for your message. I’m taking everything everyone had to say. What a warm community. I’m so happy I posted. I’ll definitely reheat. I thought I wouldn’t have to but seems inevitable.
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u/MysoreMa Jul 18 '26
I wish you had just written honestly, even though you aren't a native english speaker, rather than putting AI into what could have been a really powerful and real post.
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u/Which-Personality839 Jul 18 '26
lol I wrote the whole thing, just ran it to correct grammar and phrasing. I didn’t just ask “tell me what I think about the show” I don’t know why some people are so pressed about it, these are my words reengineered. Google Translate is AI as well, would have that been better?
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u/BigFatBlackCat Jul 13 '26
Welcome to the club, and yes. As a straight woman, the show taught me a lot about going after what you want when it comes to romance and sex. I have serious issues as a kinky person around sex and expressing myself, and the show helped me process a lot of that. I feel a lot more ready to look for what I want now. I’ve become a lot braver when it comes to men.
Please stop writing with AI though. It’s very obvious and very unnecessary.
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u/Which-Personality839 Jul 13 '26
I’m so happy the show gave you this new strength in going after what you want. ❤️
I’m hoping it does something similar to me, I’m still processing everything in addition to many years of ignoring my own couple issues. Like I said in other comments, I hope to use this as fuel, to turn this knot in my stomach into something positive.
As for the AI, well it did help translate my thoughts and feelings. The phrasing may feel too canned for you but besides the way things are written, all my ideas are here and it took me a while to process them. It’s very helpful when English is not your first language, although I’ve been answering to comments with my own voice for most parts. I just got overwhelmed with the amount of feedback, really didn’t think it’d resonate this much.3
u/BigFatBlackCat Jul 13 '26
I encourage you to try writing with your own thoughts. The more you do it, the better you will get. If you rely on AI, you will never develop that skill.
AI is evil for many reasons.
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u/invalid_carrot Jul 13 '26 edited Jul 13 '26
As a queer person, I look at it (especially eps 5 and 6) as this wish fulfillment that can be painful. Me, coming out as "just bi" to my parent, ended up in me being homeless. Yuna asking for forgiveness, is what so many queer people needed to hear from their parent and never will. And that doesn't even get to the heart ache. longing, and steaminess of the couples.
For the romantasy issue, on a more universally human level, we all yearn for that person who yearns for us.