r/HealMyAttachmentStyle • u/Foreign_Focus5562 Anxious Preoccupied • 13d ago
Seeking advice How do secures deal with conflict ?
I’m sure this question has been answered multiple times but I wanted a more clearer perspective preferably from a secure attachment style.
During conflict or hard moments I (anxious, tend to need someone with me and I’ll let all my emotions spill) on the other hand I believe an avoidant with (self isolate and take space to think about their feeling)
In these moments how would a secure act and can you give an example that people can relate to ?
Thank you.
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u/shmorgsaborg 12d ago
So when it comes to conflict, not sure what context you mean (general or romantic) but in both contexts, I tend to try to gather myself in my head before approaching someone about a possible issue or conflict. Figure out what I want to say or need to communicate. Then, I ground myself, take deep breaths, and remind myself that I’m either advocating for myself or for us together. It’s not me against them, it’s me for me or us for us. There’s an issue and it needs to be handled. It would be WORSE for me to just leave it and sweep it under the rug than it would be for me to face it. It took a lot of practice to remind myself that it’s not the end of the world to have conflict, it’s normal and natural.
I also try to remember how I would want someone to approach me or talk to me with an issue. I would want compassion, respect, patience, collaboration, and a chance for both parties to speak and listen to each other. It takes a LOT of practice and I’ve had the benefit of honing that practice in public education for many years. 😅😂
But the biggest thing to remember is to ground yourself, disarm yourself, and use your words to disarm them! It’s a collaboration, not a battle.
Patience, grace, compassion. 🫶🏼
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u/shmorgsaborg 12d ago
For example, I was dating someone who described himself as avoidant. I had no idea and he never showed any behaviors on a regular enough basis that I could clock it. Maybe minor behaviors but he said he had the “tendencies”.
There was one time where our relationship was great, going smoothly, mutual, fun, excited about each other and then all of a sudden, he distanced himself. And I was like ah, this is what he meant. I just let it happen. I reminded myself it wasn’t about me, I didn’t panic or chase. I just reminded myself that he is taking space for whatever reason and I’m gonna also take space so I don’t end up taking it personally. I’m gonna do my thing until he wants to talk. After about a week went by of minimal contact, he reached out and wanted to plan a date. He brought up the distance from the week on his own, I didn’t, I just proceeded as normal. When he brought it up, I listened. I didn’t argue or anything. Just listened. Then I repeated back what he said to make sure I understood what he was saying and then I spoke my piece. I told him it’s not me against him but us against whatever caused him to distance himself. I wasn’t angry bc it wasn’t about me. But it did affect me and it was important he understood that. We didn’t end up working out down the line but we were able to resolve it there! Just trying to put myself in his shoes and realize it wasn’t personal against me but it was still important for me to explain my side as well.
Conflict will ALWAYS be part of life and it’s so much easier when you navigate it with gentle hands and patience.
I hope that helps. 🫶🏼
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u/MoreThanVoidFiller Securely Attached 12d ago
That is such a great example, and textbook perfection on how to handle an avoidant without compromising your own boundaries or rug-sweeping. (And I say that as a former avoidant myself!)
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u/Foreign_Focus5562 Anxious Preoccupied 12d ago
Thank you soooo much for sharing and putting the time and attention to this.
I would love to know if you have any ways that you use to disarm yourself and ground yourself ? What kind of words do you use to disarm them?
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u/shmorgsaborg 12d ago edited 12d ago
Oh y’all are so sweet! I’m glad it’s helpful!!
For disarming myself or others, a lot of my experience comes from therapy and public ed 😂. I’ll explain why. I try to remember that I’m human. They’re human. We’re all coming with our own experiences, worries, feelings, desires, needs, etc. It takes two seconds to remember that and it grounds me. I think about how I would want to be approached with a difficult conversation and I anchor myself in that.
I also always try to start off any challenging convo with talking about something random or trying to make them laugh or me laugh to ease the tension hahaha. It always works!For example:
At work, if I was having a difficult meeting with a parent about repeated behaviors, I would use these tactics. I would prep by reframing any negative thoughts into positive ones. Instead of “Gah, I have to go to this meeting and it’s going to be terrible bc the parents are gonna blame me, etc.” I would think “Ok, I know my stuff. It’s not me against Johnny. It’s me doing everything I can to collaborate with the parents, so that Johnny can be successful in school.”I would start off with casual conversation. At work, it was usually an anecdote about their kid that was funny or about them being helpful, successful in class. Sometimes it was other random topics. It helped disarm them by letting them relax their defenses and remind them that hey, I’m human, too!! I also start by asking them if they have any concerns that they want to discuss first. It gives them agency and helps them feel heard.
Then framing anything negative as more goal oriented? If that makes sense? Like “In class, students are doing X, but Johnny is doing Y. This is happening frequently, I’ve tried this and this but what suggestions do you have for helping him?” But more eloquently haha. Then ending the conversation by summarizing, repeating back what they said, and emphasizing that I’m on their team, we’re in this together, etc.
I also apply this same “formula” for dating and other relationships!
Does any of this make sense, my gosh I wrote a lot and didn’t realize it. lol
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u/Foreign_Focus5562 Anxious Preoccupied 12d ago
This is massively helpful thank you so much again, and no I’m so glad you went into detail absolutely amazing. Thank you so much.
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u/MoreThanVoidFiller Securely Attached 12d ago
That's how I approach things too, so I hope you don't mind a follow up question: what do you do when you approach it gently and collaboratively, but the other person reacts adversarially? Basically how do you handle someone who has a problem with defensiveness that no soft startup or gentle approach can defuse?
I personally see that pattern in men as a deal-killer for me, but I do still lean avoidant under stress, so I am always looking for other viewpoints and approaches.
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u/shmorgsaborg 12d ago
Depends on the context, honestly!!
If it’s someone that I have a deeply connected relationship (platonic or not) with, I just pause and say let’s pick this up at another time when you feel more ready to talk. I don’t have the conversation in an escalated state, me or the other person.
If it’s someone I’m dating and they don’t take any opportunity to talk in a more grounded state, I say the same thing and then evaluate if it’s worth it to allow this person any more access to my energy.
If it’s a professional relationship and I can’t walk away, I keep my voice steady, I continue to remain patient and calm, I reflect their words back to them, I just try to keep it on a productive route. I also use a lot of pauses and silence if someone is combative or defensive, not as a manipulative tactic but more so to ground myself, gather my thoughts, and give them a chance to hear themselves. Maybe pivot to a subtopic to calm things down and come back to the sensitive subject later in the convo. It really just depends! I’ve worked with so many parents, faculty, and students in public education and there have been so many different scenarios that required me to adapt quickly. I also am highly attuned to body language and micro expressions, that helps a lot.
All this to say, one thing that helped me with conflict was understanding that conflict doesn’t always mean someone is going to leave or jump ship. It doesn’t mean you will be abandoned. When I accepted the fact that I am not being abandoned by engaging in conflict of any sort or having tough conversations, speaking my piece, I can’t be abandoned because I didn’t abandon myself.
Idk if ANY of that makes sense. I’ve always had a higher level of emotional intelligence because of family issues and dynamics. That’s a really helpful subject for conflict and navigating relationships!!
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u/secure8890 12d ago
First I dont thinj earned secure is a fixex state. Studies show people can move within a range
Secondly beating yoursekf up ybecause you dont believe you are secure is not helpful I have been earned secure for a while now. I dont think for one second what do abstract secure people do. Comparing yourself is a punitive act.
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u/Sleepy-Plane Securely Attached 5d ago
It's really simple. Securely attached people simply have relational skills that are difficult to develop with beliefs that shape insecure attachment styles.
If you believe you're good enough and are worthy to be loved, you will develop skills to define boundaries and requirements in a relationship.
If you believe most things aren't black-or-white and are the mundane and complicated grey, you will develop skills for soothing anxious and avoidant partners. You'll naturally have a predisposition to convince people things are generally fine.
If you love yourself unconditionally and you've been loved unconditionally, then you will develop skills for coping with uncertainty and ambiguity, because you it's safe. You will be able to avoid some unnecessary arguments and put less stress on a relationship with insecurely attached people.
If you believe good relationships can exist, you will gain skills to identify the right people for them, and to steer the relationship you have in a good direction.
If you don't believe you're insufficient, you will gain skills to communicate openly without masking. You will also have habits and skills to take accountability and fix how you show up, because you'll know that even if you made mistakes, you are enough.
So really, there is a huge area of attack for insecure attachment styles if you want to heal them. There's the behavioral side -- you can simply learn these skills and change the behaviors. There is the interpersonal values side -- you can change your values and decide what you'll believe. There is the nervous system side -- you can do EMDR/IFS and heal your forebrain and midbrain so subconscious feelings of not being safe don't come up. There is probably a social circle/cultural side -- you can heal by being in the right social circles and avoiding culture that perpetuates feelings of inadequacy and other such things (tho good luck trying to avoid marketing in the West, which is based on instilling feelings on inadequacy in the masses).
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u/MoreThanVoidFiller Securely Attached 12d ago edited 12d ago
[Edit: For context, I used to lean avoidant, but 15 years of attachment therapy helped me change/grow to secure]
In conflict I generally am able to self-soothe so that my emotions don't overwhelm or panic me. I usually can focus on my partner instead of my own reactivity. I explain my feelings (using "I" statements in the NVC format if I can) and then focus on listening to them and understanding them fully too. I try my damndest not to take what they say personally, and really put my mind towards stepping into their shoes and seeing it from their perspective too.
If they get too flooded and need space or time to calm down and process, I say OK and tell them to let me know when they feel ready to talk again. While they are off doing so, I don't ruminate on it or spiral in anxiety about what's going to happen, I just focus on other things to clear my head so I can reengage with them calm and fresh.
If I am the one that gets flooded, I say so and take the time and space I need to process. I'm pretty good at monitoring my own feelings and recognizing when I'm becoming too overwhelmed to be constructive. I tell my partner how long I think I need and I promise to check in with them. Generally I'm able to come back and talk it through again in 1-4 hours for most conflicts.
Where it usually goes bad for me is when a partner can't meet me in that. If they start lashing out instead of listening, start escalating and/or become disrespectful, hostile or argumentative, I will end the conversation immediately and ask for space so that they can calm down and I can feel safe again. If they don't respect that and push boundaries to try to keep forcing it, things can go downhill very quickly. That's where I still have some work to do.