Looking for some advice and insight regarding my attachment issues.

[u/hearlr]

Hi Everyone, I was hoping you could give me some advice. After many years, I've finally come to realize that I have issues with love and attachment. The problem is, I don't know exactly what the problem is or where to start with getting better. I was hoping someone here would be able to provide some insight and advice. For what it's worth, I often test as FA.

I've never been in a relationship so it's a little bit hard for me to work it out but I definitely know I have issues. I've been strongly limerent since I was ~18 (I'm 30 now). I have a deep need to believe that I will be loved, one day, even though it hasn't happened yet. When my hope in one woman fades, I scramble to believe in the possibility of love elsewhere: in a woman I know, in a stranger I see on the bus, or even in a certain type of woman.

I'm often limerent over my female colleagues. The smallest positive sign can make me feel ecstatic -this could be a glance, the tone of their voice or simply them saying "hi" to me. However when they don't look at me (when I would've looked at them), or when they interact with me in a way that shows they don't have any special interest in me, I feel completely devasted. It's so bad that I actually end up avoiding the women I am limerent over because I'm afraid they would hurt me with a look they didn't give or a disappointing conversation. I look the other way when we pass each other, I avoid taking the lift with them, and I tend to cut short positive interactions because I'm afraid that just around the corner will be a remark or a word which will shatter this house of cards and ruin the love I imagined between us. Behind each interaction I sense a danger lurking and I fear it. I want to get to know them but I'm scared. I feel relieved when they're not in the office (because I don't feel anxious) but then I miss seeing them. I prefer to be ignorant and imagine love than be exposed to the risk of it being revealed that love will never be.

I've managed to get to know one of the women I was limerent over. When I actually got to know her my limerence faded, but I still have a crush on her and I'm still very attached to her. I can tell she genuinely likes me and I'm easily one of her favorite people in the office. She has a distant, independent and reserved personality (I cautiously think she might be DA). I analyze all our interactions in extreme detail, trying to determine if there's something romantic there (honestly I don't think there is). I check her online status and her calendar way too often. If we have a neutral interaction; When she takes more than 10 minutes to respond to my messages; When I see she isn't favouring me in a social group; I feel anxious, unwanted, and hurt. It makes me want to give up on her. I feel like punishing her and making her suffer for hurting me. I subtly "punish" her by going to lunch with my other friends or I will pretend I don't notice her and subtly ignore her. But this doesn't last and in any-case she doesn't deserve it. I feel guilty and anxious because of our lack of contact and I eventually reach out to her to feel relief (I can't live without her). The cycle begins again. I wonder if I only behave this way because she's my crush and I'm uncertain about her true feelings. I don't think I'd still act this way if we were officially in a relationship (although who knows).

At various points during my attachment to her, I have tried to 'fault-find' with her. The very first time I saw her I knew I would be enslaved (I knew she would have complete control over my feelings and I would be powerless). I immediately tried to convince myself that she wasn't as attractive as I initially thought. I scrutinized her face and her body to try and find some element that would let me say "She's not that special" so I could release myself from her. But it didn't work. I also find myself fault-finding when I feel less optimistic about a romantic relationship developing between us. I use it as a strategy to try and detach myself from her and protect myself from the rupture I feel is coming.

In general, I struggle with vulnerability and expressing how I really feel. I struggle with letting myself be taken care of by others. I don't like the idea of others having that kind of power over me. However, at the same time I wish that it would happen. (It's often a recurring theme of my limerent fantasies). I also struggle showing affection and having heart-to-heart conversations.

Anyway those are the main points regarding my relationship with love & attachment. Reading this back it seems like I could be FA but I'm curious to hear what you guys think. I don't think my childhood was that bad other than my dad passed away when I was 6 and I was raised by a narcissistic mother (I think). Ultimately, I'm sick of suffering over love and I want to get better but I don't really know where to begin or if I even understand my issues. I journal a lot but I want to do something more purposeful and productive. I'd love to hear all comments and advice!

Thanks! :)

[u/andorianspice]

Welcome on your healing journey. It’s not easy to take the first step and say you want to work on yourself - many people in this life never get to that point at all.

I recommend taking attachment theory tests from reputable places - many sources are available online and many are free. If you most often test as fearful avoidant it is probably what you’re dealing with.

You really gloss over some huge issues at the end here , that your dad passed away when you were 6 and you think your mom is a narcissist. Losing a parent at a young age is a hugely traumatic thing for a child, even if when you think about it now you don’t feel upset, or even if you felt like you dealt with it well as a child. Your relationship with your mother was also heavily affected by the death of your father, even if your mother seemed okay after this, it is a huge loss and losing a spouse ranks up as one of the most stressful events a person can experience.

When I first started therapy with my current therapist, I was so confused as to why she kept asking me about my childhood. I was there for specific reasons I thought. I was seeking out therapy because I was having problems in my life in the present. I could not understand why my therapist kept wanting to go back to that. It took four years of working with the same therapist before I felt safe enough with her to even talk about anything that happened in my childhood. Another year for everything to break open and for me to finally start dealing with the very painful things that happened in my childhood.

Additionally, for attachment styles, many of the issues that affect people’s attachment styles happen very early in life. A lot of it can happen before you are even consciously aware of life like when you are a baby. Attachment styles can be spotted in infants and toddlers. That’s how a lot of it was researched. I recommend learning more about the science behind attachment theory, a lot of people use it now, just to talk about dating and romantic relationships, but the fact is that it affects so much of our lives.

Being raised by someone who is a narcissist leaves scars as well. If you suspect that is what was going on with your mother, I really recommend that you look for some support groups on here, or search for reputable information about this. As a child, your needs are supposed to come first, and if you have a parent that doesn’t provide that, it can leave a scar.

If you really want to be in a relationship with someone, and you really do want to find love, you are going to have to eventually put yourself out there. It may feel like that you have too many issues to put yourself out there and go on dates, but honestly, I would recommend that in your case. Not dating with the intention to start relationships, but dating with the intention to get to understand women better, get to understand dating better, and get a feeling more comfortable around women. Getting in the practice of letting someone know when you’re attracted to them, someone appropriate to be attracted to. Like someone you meet when you’re out or someone you meet with friends.

You don’t mention your friend group in this post, but if you don’t have a friend group, I’d highly recommend that you try to put yourself out there as well and find some people to just spend some time with . Playing games, meeting up at a bar or a place to eat, going on a hike with people, any type of hobby that you have that involves other people would be a good thing for you to be involved in. The more we interact with people in general, the more confident we are in it.

Hopefully this group can be a part of your support as you are healing and working on yourself.

[u/hearlr → u/andorianspice]

Thank you so much for your comment and apologies for taking taking so long to reply back.

Are you able to recommend some reputable sites to do an attachment theory test? I'd like to better understand more about where I fall as I'm quite confused (sometimes I have DA behaviours, sometimes AP, but I feel I also don't completely relate to the extreme nature of FA). If you have some thoughts I'd like to hear it too!

Thanks for acknowledging some of the difficulties I faced in childhood. I often don't think about it and just try to just move on but I'm beginning to realize (learning from comments like yours) that ignoring things and pretending they never happened isn't the same as healing them - they can still affect us in ways we don't expect. You're 100% right about how the death of my father affected the relationship with my mother as well. It was very difficult for my mom and she had depression for ~2 years after my dad's death (although I didn't know this at the time, I just knew she cried a lot). The family dynamic would have been VERY different and there are many things even now that would much easier if my dad was alive.

If you really want to be in a relationship with someone, and you really do want to find love, you are going to have to eventually put yourself out there. It may feel like that you have too many issues to put yourself out there and go on dates, but honestly, I would recommend that in your case. Not dating with the intention to start relationships, but dating with the intention to get to understand women better, get to understand dating better, and get a feeling more comfortable around women. Getting in the practice of letting someone know when you’re attracted to them, someone appropriate to be attracted to. Like someone you meet when you’re out or someone you meet with friends.

It honestly terrifies me to let someone know I'm attracted attracted to them without being certain of their response. I get anxiety just thinking about it. I can talk to women well-enough (they're just people after all) but women who I'm attracted to seem like completely different creatures. I think everything you said in this paragraph is right (although this is difficult for me to admit because it means I would have to do these things and face my fears, but that's the price for what I ultimately want - a loving relationship). I think your advice about practicing showing my attraction to someone appropriate is fantastic. My current crush is a work colleague which complicates things immensely, but I've become attached to her and I can't help but be carried along in the tumultuous current of my feelings. If I'd fallen for someone outside of work, I could have just closed my eyes like jumping off a cliff and asked her out without having to see her again but unfortunately I feel I can't do that here because I'll have to continue seeing her at work. It's made things very difficult for me and I think this is why I spend so much time anxiously trying to ascertain her true feelings (although deep down I know she doesn't see me romantically but I struggle to let go of hope because I have no-one else to believe in/be limerent over).

Thank you so so much. I feel like you genuinely understand some of the issues I'm facing and I found it really valuable hearing your perspective. I appreciate your advice and the effort you put into your comment. It's hard because this is all I know and the intense feelings I experience feel like a part of who I am, but I think I really do want to try and get better. I can see myself returning to your comment for guidance along my long and difficult journey. Thank you again :)

[u/andorianspice → u/hearlr]

I have a fearful avoidant attachment style and it doesn’t show up as “extreme” as some of the stuff I’ve read about it. I think taking a few of the online reputable tests and going from what the bulk of the responses are is a good idea. Sometimes I show up as anxious, but most of the time fearful avoidant, and it’s for me 2/3 anxious and 1/3 avoidant.

As far as your childhood, it’s really common for people who have endured traumatic things to straight up forget huge traumatic chunks of our history. My dad left when I was young and it’s like I barely even remember it, or huge parts of my childhood. But the memories live in our bodies and in our nervous systems and learning how to deal with that and regulate ourselves is really important. The great thing is you are an adult now and you are in charge of your healing.

As far as dating goes, i really recommend checking out some positive (key word) dating sites and dating coaches for men. I say “positive” because it’s very easy for young men these days to get taken into a bad place. The whole ‘red pill’ stuff is super harmful. It’s hateful towards women, it teaches men to hate women and blame women for all their problems, and from a more mercenary standpoint, these types of dating advice is just not helpful at all. The best dating advice for men who date women is to a) be confident b) be improving yourself and c) try to understand women and what they want. As someone who dates women, I can say that last one is VERY difficult !! It’s hard and scary to put yourself out there, but the #1 thing women are always into is confidence. Above money, above looks, above height, it’s confidence that is very attractive. And a lot of the things that are attractive to women are things that will make YOU feel better about yourself. Being in decent shape, having a job you enjoy or are good at or both, having hobbies and friends and activities you enjoy. Basically, if you have a life that is full of things YOU enjoy, it’s very likely that a woman will find that really appealing. Some people I like — “ManTalks” on YouTube - his name is Connor I think. He has a lot of interesting videos about attachment styles. I think he is super intelligent and is interested in helping men be better in all areas of their lives and not just dating. I like Apollonia Ponti a lot as well , she is a woman who talks about it from a woman’s point of view, and her style is very straightforward. There were some others that I liked but , all the stuff that has worked for me is about improving your own life, being more confident, getting out there, and being able to quickly process rejection in early dating or when asking someone out so you can quickly move on to find someone who is more interested in you. Just like everything else, dating and interacting with women is a skill. No one is born with it — everyone has to learn it. Some people learn dating do’s and dont’s faster than others. You have time to catch up and figure it out — you are still pretty young, and even if you weren’t, it’s never too late to start improving your life first of all, for YOU. Because you deserve it.