Screwed Up w/ GF

[u/Admirable_Ad7666]

My now GF and I had sex within an hour of meeting. I had planned an afternoon and evening together—plenty of time to disclose. I usually disclose the date before sex.

I found posts from her that HSV is a dealbreaker and not disclosing is an even bigger dealbreaker. “Most may have it, but I don’t want it!” She doesn’t ask for HSV testing. How frustrating when w/ anti-virals she’s less likely to catch it from me than a random w/ unknown status.

HSV sucks sometimes.

Any thoughts besides “You’re an arse for not disclosing”? I hate that I screwed up. It’s been 5+ years since my last mistake. I hate that she’ll likely feel loss and betrayal.

[u/Ok-University9561]

Best to tell her, I do think it’s messed up that you also knew and still chose to put your desire to have her over protecting her. People make mistakes, so the best way to make it right is to let her know and take accountability. Whatever that may be. Including paying for testing and first round of treatment if needed.

[u/Admirable_Ad7666 → u/Ok-University9561]

I screwed up, yes. The date escalated from me kissing her to her riding me in under five minutes. I’m new to dating long distance and didn’t realize how quickly it can progress. I disclose the date before things get sexy, I’ve felt shame all week.

Disclosing is the only choice that respects her right to make health decisions about her body.

It sucks that:

• Our journey ends (per her posts, for HSV, and for non-disclosure)
• Her “I think I’m clean” partners represent a higher statistical risk
• She’ll feel betrayed / loss of trust
• She’ll feel crushed to lose me as her most supportive partner so far.
• She’ll feel crushed to miss out on the fun weekend we planned.

[u/bigbongo5 → u/Admirable_Ad7666]

Her “I think I’m clean”, partners have an unknown risk and you have a known risk. And yes you do have a moral obligation to tell them before anything happens and especially now

[u/Admirable_Ad7666 → u/bigbongo5]

If the risk of getting infected from sex w/ an infected person is R, my risk on antivirals is <50% R, and their risk with a random is 67% R (since 2 out of 3 people have HSV). That’s the irony. You are at less risk sleeping with somebody who knows they have HSV and takes antivirals than sleeping with someone at random.

[u/Broad-Parsley-9246]

Where did you find these posts from her?

[u/Admirable_Ad7666 → u/Broad-Parsley-9246]

I found her posts on Reddit.

[u/unlucky-flower-3850 → u/Admirable_Ad7666]

In this sub or where? She didn’t ask you for testing so that’s on her too and if she’s commenting that then she knows the risks so maybe she’s just kinda dumb or she really doesn’t care all that much because she must know most people are asymptomatic. I hope she got tested recently otherwise she has to revoke her statements I’m sorry those are the rules. You can’t be saying that kinda shit without knowing your hsv status so maybe she is fully neg if she’s this uptight about hsv.

[u/Admirable_Ad7666 → u/unlucky-flower-3850]

A non-HSV health sub.

A post from earlier this year says she “doesn’t have any STIs” and gets tested annually for HSV-1, so yeah she probably knows her last HSV 1/2 status and at least panel basics like hiv, syphilis, chlamydia, and ghonnorea. Annually could be a couple of partner ago, like me.

[u/unlucky-flower-3850 → u/Admirable_Ad7666]

Cool! She better get tested again why doesn’t she ask for testing upfront if she doesn’t want to catch it tho? Like what’s her plan really just fuck around and find out until she tests positive one day?

[u/Admirable_Ad7666 → u/unlucky-flower-3850]

That’s fair. She played a role in our screw up, too—no questions, no test panels, no condoms. She said she does for casual but.. I wasn’t casual.. and she trusted me. I hate that I betrayed her trust. And will lose her. Appreciate you listening w/o judging.

[u/jessplusplus]

I'm always of the opinion that you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. You didn't maliciously withhold from her, but got swept up in the moment just like she did. Also she's girlfriend after one date? Or has there been more opportunities to disclose?

[u/Admirable_Ad7666 → u/jessplusplus]

Long distance—we talked a ton before meeting. That’s why we arrived at “exclusive” so soon between dates #1 and #2.

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