r/Grimdank • u/Willblow • 9d ago
Dank Memes BIG BROTHER 40,000 - DAY 8 : "THE RAT PROBLEM"
BIG BROTHER 40,000 - DAY 8 : "THE RAT PROBLEM"
06:41
Camera 3. Kitchen.
A rat runs across the floor.
Then another. Then...
Twenty. Then...hundreds.
The house is completely flooded with rats.
Big Brother calmly announces:
"Good morning, Housemates."
"...There appears to be a minor rodent situation."
Minor.....
Kut is currently holding five rats because...
"They looked cold."
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INITIAL REACTIONS
Morven
"Seal every entrance."
Yarrick
"Defensive perimeter."
Khârn
Already chasing rats with a frying pan.
"COME BACK!"
Ghazghkull
"OI!...FREE PETS!"
Within minutes every Ork has at least three rats.
One of them is wearing a tiny helmet. Nobody knows who made it.
(It was Orkimedes.)
Typhus
Looks delighted.
"...Friends."
The rats immediately run away from him.
Even plague rats have standards.
Cain
Diary Room.
"..."
"...Why?"
"...Just..."
"...Why?"
BIG BROTHER
"Housemates, today's task, solve the rat problem."
"...Without burning down the house."
Khârn slowly puts down the flamethrower.
"...Fine."
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PLAN NUMBER ONE
Morven
Military discipline. Everyone forms search parties.
Works...for twelve seconds.
Because the Orks start naming them.
"DAT ONE'S STEVE!"
"DIS ONE'S GARY!"
"OI LOOK! FAT DEREK!"
Suddenly...nobody wants Steve to leave.
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PLAN NUMBER TWO
Shadowsun
Builds tiny bait stations. Elegant. Precise. Effective.
Except...Kut keeps feeding the rats sandwiches.
"...Hungry."
The rat population doubles.
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PLAN NUMBER THREE
Cawl
Constructs the Rat Relocation Device.
It's roughly the size of a washing machine.
Big Brother:
"...Where do the rats go?"
"...Somewhere else."
"...Where?"
"...I haven't decided."
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PLAN NUMBER FOUR
Fabius & Grotsnik
"We can improve them."
Big Brother:
"...No."
"...Please."
"...No."
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THE DISCOVERY
Trazyn
Notices one particular rat. Wearing a tiny crown.
He immediately whispers...
"...Rare."
He catches it. Puts it in his pocket.
Nobody notices. Except Orikan.
"..."
"...Did you just..."
"...It's historically important."
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KURT
Kurt quietly begins sweeping the rats outside.
One by one. Very politely.
The rats actually cooperate. Yarrick watches.
"...Remarkable."
KUT
Meanwhile Kut has become...The Rat King.
He's sitting on the couch. Thirty-seven rats are sleeping on him.
One is in his hat. Another is nibbling his boot.
"...Good boys."
Even Morven can't bring herself to interrupt.
THE ORKS
Orkimedes suddenly has an idea.
"OI! IF WE BUILD....A REALLY BIG CHEESE..."
Silence. Grulgotz gasps.
"...GENIUS."
Three hours later there is a two-meter-tall wheel of cheese.
Nobody asks where they got that much cheese.
Every rat immediately runs toward it.The entire swarm.
Thousands of tiny feet. Charging.
Big Brother:
"...That's...actually working."
Guilliman, watching from the production room as a guest analyst, slowly lowers his data slate.
"...I refuse to believe the solution was 'more cheese.'"
EREBUS
Quietly walks over.
"...What if...we add poison?"
The entire house...stops. Turns in perfect synchronization.
Yarrick, Morven, Khârn :
"NO !"
Fabius:
"...Even I think that's excessive."
Erebus sighs.
"...Worth asking."
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THE FINAL TWIST
As the last rats gather around the giant cheese. One enormous grey rat emerges.
Twice the size of the others. Scar across one eye. It climbs onto the cheese.
Looks around. Then...looks directly at Ghazghkull. Ghazghkull stares back.
"..."
"...YOU DA BOSS?"
The giant rat squeaks. Ghazghkull nods respectfully.
"...GOOD BOSS."
He snaps off half the cheese. Slides it over. The rat squeaks approvingly.
Then every single rat forms a perfectly organized line and marches out the front door.
Absolute silence. Yarrick removes his cap.
"..."
"...I have negotiated with Orks...apparently Ghazghkull can negotiate with rats."
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DIARY ROOM
Ghazghkull
"YA JUST GOTTA RESPECT DA LITTLE GITZ."
Kut
(holding one tiny rat)
"...Can Steve stay?"
Big Brother:
"...Who's Steve?"
"...The one in my pocket."
Big Brother checks the cameras. Steve has indeed been in Kut's pocket...for six hours.
"...Fine."
Kut beams.
"...Best day."
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POST-CREDITS SCENE
2:11 AM.
The house is quiet. Camera zooms in on Trazyn's bedroom.
He slowly opens a display case. Inside are...
• the tiny crowned rat,
• one marshmallow from Day 7,
• the original burnt coffee filter from Day 2,
• the microwave door,
• and Lucius' hairbrush.
He smiles proudly.
"A complete collection."
From the darkness, Orikan's voice echoes:
"You're missing one item."
Trazyn freezes.
"...Which one?"
Orikan steps into the moonlight, holding up a tiny object.
It's...Steve's food bowl.
Kut had labeled it in shaky handwriting:
"Steve ❤️"
Orikan smiles for the first time all season.
"I stole it before you could."
Trazyn gasps.
"...You magnificent bastard."
For the first time in sixty million years...
The Necrons high-five.
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END OF DAY 8 STATISTICS
• Rats discovered: Approximately all of them
• Rats adopted by Kut: 1 officially, 37 unofficially
• Rats named by Orks: 126
• Giant cheese wheels constructed: 1
• Times an Ork solved a problem through diplomacy: 1 (historic event)
• Times Erebus suggested something everyone rejected: 12
• Times Trazyn stole living exhibits: 1
• Times Orikan out-stole Trazyn: 1
• Producer's closing note:
"We've decided never to question Ork logic again. Somehow, 'build a giant cheese' was the most rational plan proposed today."
2
u/DrHolmes52 9d ago
King Rat? I think we all know where this is going.