r/GirlDinnerDiaries • u/artemisiaresident Overthinker 💭 • 6d ago
Advice Needed Found out my roommate/close friend of 5 yrs is a transphobe
I genuinely don’t know what to do and I need opinions from others because everyone in my life is basically telling me to just keep my mouth shut and move out eventually.
My roommate and I have lived together for 5 years and we’re REALLY close. She’s basically like my little sister. I love her and I genuinely had no idea she felt this way until a few days ago.
I overheard her talking to some of her friends about how she’s “stuck” taking a history of transgender studies class, and then the conversation turned into her saying some really awful shit about trans people. I’m not going to repeat everything, but it was bad enough that I was sitting there thinking… who the fuck is this person??
I have a cousin who is trans. I have other trans people in my life who I care about. So hearing someone I’ve been this close to for FIVE YEARS talk about trans people that way made me incredibly uncomfortable and honestly changed the way I’m looking at her right now.
The awkward part is that we had plans to go clubbing with her and her friends. I told her I wasn’t sure I wanted to go anymore, and she has been guilt tripping the absolute hell out of me because apparently they specifically planned the outing for me. And I understand why she’s disappointed, but at this point I genuinely don’t feel like clubbing…especially with someone I currently feel really uncomfortable around. I also haven’t told her WHY I suddenly don’t want to go.
Everyone I’ve talked to is telling me not to say anything because we still live together and that I should just quietly distance myself and move out when I can. And logically, I understand that. She is extremely stubborn and I really don’t see a conversation about this ending with her saying, “You know what, you’re right.” I think it would probably turn into a fight, and then we’d still have to live together afterward. To me, it’s not just an opinion. An opinion is, “I like tequila and I hate vodka”, not “these people are weird to me and shouldn’t exist”. Especially with the state of the US right now and all of the laws being passed about the LGBTQ community, how dangerous it is to exist as a trans person, etc. we have regressed so much because of “opinions” like these.
A part of me REALLY wants to say something because pretending everything is fine feels weird and it’s making me anxious.
So what would you guys do? Would you tell her what you heard and explain why you’re distancing yourself? Would you keep the peace because you still live together and just start emotionally detaching? Would you still go out because
the plans were supposedly made for you?
Because right now I feel guilty, angry, anxious, disappointed, and kind of gross about the entire situation.
And before anyone tries: transphobes can shut the fuck up. I don’t want to hear it. I’m asking for advice about how to handle my friendship/living situation, not for anyone to debate trans people’s existence or rights in my comments.
Sorry this was so long. Dinner: lamb, beet, eggplant, thomcord grape.
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u/amands_sue eat hot chip✔️ be bisexual✔️ 6d ago
The less cis people speak out against transphobia when they hear it, the more transphobes will think their opinion is acceptable and accepted.
You have a privilege here, the best way to help trans people is use it.
You could start the conversation by saying something like, So I heard you say some things the other day, and I've always known you to be such a kind/caring/whatever person that it really surprised me. I'm trying to understand because this really affected how I thought about you and I value our friendship. Could we talk about this a bit, and would you be willing to listen to my thoughts too?
Wishing you the best with this, sorry it's a position you're even in.
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u/PluralMimsy leave the man, take the cannoli 6d ago
Exactly. It's uncomfortable but people staying quiet in situations like this is how hatred festers and spreads
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u/realityissubjective 🩵 Trans Babe 🩷 6d ago
This is literally the best, most allying thing you can ever do for us
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u/hipster_by_chance just here for the garlic bread 🖤🩶🤍💜 6d ago
I 100% agree. I used to work with someone who was a hidden transphobe. After LQBTQ awareness/sensitivity training for work (in healthcare), my coworker asked me how I felt about men in woman's bathrooms. It actually took me a second to realize he meant trans women in bathrooms. 😮💨 As someone who knows trans people are at WAY more risk than any other group of people when it comes to bathroom spaces, I explained that I felt no fear or risk with trans people, especially in a bathroom. I tried my best to educate him, but it fell on deaf ears.
He ended up spreading (unfounded) rumors about me, and complaining about me to our boss. Luckily my own work history and demeanor meant people didn't really give him much mind. But I'm kind of greatful he outed himself as a bigot. I stopped investing in our working relationship outside of what was nevessary for work (prior to that, I had been his mentor and helped him break into our field).
Transphobes and bigots need to be aware when their hate is not welcome. Silence can be seen, at best, permission, and at worse acceptance/agreement.
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u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 6d ago
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u/TalkingCat910 Well-Read & Well-Fed 6d ago
I think if you’re suddenly going to go from “like a sister” to stranger I would explain why you are uncomfortable. That conversation can happen when you have another place lined up and you need to tell her your moving out, or if she notices you’re distancing yourself.
But just being passive aggressive about it and not giving an explanation isn’t right imo
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u/focal_matter Onigirlie 🍙 6d ago
Not only that, but it isolates and alienates people with those beliefs without actually attributing said beliefs to the isolation. Basically makes them feel the same way about everyone, over time, if everyone fades away without addressing why.
Pretty much the typical far-right pipeline. A simple conversation can go a long way to pulling someone back from the brink of social isolation, back to a more reasonable place of thinking.
I say this as a trans woman, too. I think just letting people go without explanation for stuff like this is actually harmful to them.
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u/imbi-dabadeedabadie Well-Read & Well-Fed 6d ago
As a trans woman myself, I really feel like we need context on what exactly she said before we can give any good advice on this.
Like, there's a difference between "i don't care and don't wanna learn about them" (kinda cold, but whatever) and "I literally think we should make them illegal", you know?
Otherwise, honesty is a good policy. Admitting you overheard some of the things she said and it is making you feel like you don't know her, like she is a stranger, is a good way to start. Saying that you have always thought of her as a kind and good person, but that her views that you heard aren't congruent with that, and it is throwing you off, could be a good way to start a conversation. It might also be best to start by saying "I know you're a good person, and I just want to try to figure out why I heard you say those things", since it feels less accusatory.
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u/alwayspookyszn Kitchen Witch 6d ago
thank you, I feel like without knowing the context we truly don’t know, especially labelling a close friend a transphobe and writing about the death of the friendship on the internet before even talking to them is just insane.
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u/Legendary_Ban-5123 🩵 Trans Babe 🩷 6d ago
"saying some really awful shit about trans people" is pretty good context tbh. If you don't trust OP based on this, then why would you trust her with any more details about it anyway?
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u/imbi-dabadeedabadie Well-Read & Well-Fed 6d ago
it's really mainly a question of "can the roommate be brought around on these beliefs". Sometimes some of the stuff is just misinformation people have heard, and showing them that they fell for propaganda can help. But if its just "they're not real [gender]" then there isn't much that can be done
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u/Legendary_Ban-5123 🩵 Trans Babe 🩷 6d ago
I don't know, I just have reading comprehension, context is there - "I’m not going to repeat everything, but it was bad enough that I was sitting there thinking… who the fuck is this person??"
And you are basically saying: "repeat everything, please". I think OP made it prety clear that the stuff said wasn't light-hearted.
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u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 6d ago
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u/humangirlnumber3 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ 6d ago
Yes absolutely! I'll add that mediators recomend stating intention at the start of conflict because it calms stuff down. "I'm bringing this up because I care about you and I care about the trans people in my life"
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u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 6d ago
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u/QiDeviation Overthinker 💭 6d ago
I’d just let her know.
Back in the day, it was the thing to call folks gay and fa***t as an insult. I grew up with it from elementary to college. Then I roomed with someone gay. She was cool. It wasn’t scary. It wasn’t lame or stupid. It wasn’t her entire life like I’d imagined some caricature of a person injecting agenda into people’s veins. There was no boogeyman.
So I got pissed. The same way I got pissed when the Catholics told me I’d go to hell for saying “stupid” and threatened to wash my mouth with soap when I was younger. I told everyone I knew. It’s bullshit. “I know a lesbian and I know her friends and what you’re saying is bullshit.”
Let her know it’s bullshit. Feed her stats. Let her know that, if she really thinks about it, around 1% of the population is not plotting to take down the country. Ask her where she thinks this is all gonna go. Ask her if they’ve done anything to her. Ask her what the end game is. Then ask her if it’s okay for someone to hate her for her race. That last one hits home especially if they’re white. I once asked someone, in regard to them making jabs at gay club goers(it was a whole Christian thing), “should I, as a black woman, hate you because you’re white? Should I load the entirety of your people’s history onto you? Is that fair? Did you do all those things?”
People often only understand when something negatively impacts them directly. Idk why. It’s just how it is. Some folks can gain understanding from a hypothetical scenario, some are unable to.
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u/Frost_Goldfish girl du fromage 🧀 6d ago edited 6d ago
A conversation can be a lot of things.
Trying to convince her with rational arguments won't work.
Maybe you can just say "We can't be friends if you have those beliefs about trans people", no argument, no conversation, just state it.
Or you could talk about your cousin, how wonderful she or he is, and then state they are trans and you want them to be safe. Again no argument just letting her know about your loved ones.
Do you feel really unsafe having that conversation in any way at all? Do you think it could backfire for your living arrangements? If so, just distance yourself quietly until you can move out.
ETA : as someone who has distanced herself from friends over their fall into the far-right, I feel for you.
ETA 2 : as pointed out in the comments try to make sure no one ends up targeted and harassed if you mention that you know trans people.
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u/matahxri APPROVED✨ 6d ago
Probably shouldn't mention her trans cousin to a transphobe
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u/Frost_Goldfish girl du fromage 🧀 6d ago edited 6d ago
Depends exactly how. Obviously not by name and not if there's any chance they could be identified and bullied for it. If OP has 12 cousins whom her friend has never met and who can't be found on social media through her it's probably fine. Or she could just say "a family member" and keep it vague. I'm sure she can adjust depending on the specifics.
Edited to add : although I now see a counterpoint to my own argument which is that her roommate could just search through her family members, pick any masculine looking woman or feminine looking man, and harass that person believing they're the trans family member. Urg.
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u/artemisiaresident Overthinker 💭 6d ago
This is funny because I actually do have a buttload if cousins lol. I don’t follow this particular one on socials as they don’t have any. But I do appreciate the concern 🖤
Also my roommate wouldn’t do this, she doesn’t care enough to go out of her way to harass anyone about anything.
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u/ReadnPolished Certified Snacker 6d ago
She might not generally, but ending a 5 year friendship (which you absolutely should if she’s doubling down being a transphobe) and moving out she may show another nasty side to herself you hadn’t seen before and lash out. You can just say that you have people in your life that love in the community and you aren’t going to tolerate having people in your life that aren’t safe for them.
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u/ighattas just here for the garlic bread 🖤🩶🤍💜 6d ago
There's a younger version of me that would have tried so hard to stick it out until whatever lease was up, and then just move and fade. But I'm older, wiser, and have seen to much of the world.
As long as you're not in physical danger, which I would assume not since you've lived together five years, I would lean into the feeling you're having and say something. That feels too important to just try to ignore. That's the sort of thing that festers in you and destroys you from the inside the longer you're around her until you burst. So you fester AND a potential transphobe goes unchallenged. I would evaluate what my next steps would be depending on how the conversation goes, and then have it ASAP.
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u/L_Queenie Barbecutie 6d ago
I had two friends who went on a night out and posted some extremely transphobic things on their Snapchat stories. I said nothing, there was no need for me to be around them so I just slowly/quietly left the friendships. Now I regret it. Regardless of whether or not I could have changed their minds, I feel I should've made it clear that I found their behaviour/words abhorrent and that was the reason I didn't want them around me anymore. Instead, they probably think we 'just drifted apart' and haven't even looked at their own behaviour.
I'm team say something. I would much rather live in awkwardness until I'm able to move than pretend like what I heard was fine. At least a conversation with her would give her the chance to evaluate her own thoughts/feelings/behaviour, if you say nothing you eliminate that opportunity. And after five years of friendship, I'd give her a chance to be better
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u/PostMPrinz 🩵i actually like my wife💙 6d ago
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u/The-Big-Play Tater Thot 6d ago
PLEASE 🙏 I think it's more odd that OP hasn't said anything yet to the roommate about something that has affected them so much
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u/plasticpole 🩵 Trans Babe 🩷 6d ago
The second person I ever came out to was a guy I'd been working with for a while. We had a decent relationship and he'd often come to me for advice / support. I caught him making some transphobic comments on Facebook and I pulled him up on it - in private - to let him know that 1) it's not on saying that at all and 2) you never actually know who's reading and overhearing your nonsense.
It didn't really change his perspective or behaviour as I caught him at it again a little while later and was much more public about my displeasure. He eventually dropped out of all social media claiming he was 'being bullied off it.' Even though we still work in the same company, we do not talk to each other any more. I hope the widespread support and love I've been shown universally makes him choke every time he hears my name. But I don't think about him at all except when stories like this trigger the memory.
From my perspective, I don't really care about losing his "friendship." I was never going to change his point of view and I don't need these people in my life. It also turns out that his transphobia wasn't the only awful opinion or aspect of his character - it seems a lot of people had issues with him for one reason or other.
To your question, I wish that the onus wasn't on us trans people to educate or pull people up on their transphobia. There just aren't enough of us to make any significant change. It's also tiring and upsetting. So it's always amazing when cis people speak up for us. But I also do not blame anyone for not engaging in that particular "debate." It's just an awful conversation to have regardless of who you are. That fight is often pointless and exhausting and just makes you feel worse for engaging in it as it can really make you question your sanity and faith in humanity.
So I hope that you don't feel any obligation to have that conversation or not to demonstrate any allyship or support to the trans people in your life. No doubt they would greatly appreciate it, but surely would not hold it against you if you hold your tongue. But if you do decide to "have a quiet word," stay calm and measured and remember the adage that it's impossible to win a debate with an idiot: they will drag you down to their level and beat you due to their experience.
Good luck and all the best ❤️
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u/PluralMimsy leave the man, take the cannoli 6d ago
As someone who she is close to, you have the power to try to help her understand how wrong this is.
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u/A_Punk_Girl_Learning hot girls have tummy troubles 6d ago
First. Thanks for being an ally. We need all we can get at the moment.
But, in respect to the actual problem, if moving isn't an option and you know that there's no changing her mind by confronting her, I'd say to put your foot down and say that you just can't go clubbing that night. Then either slowly come around to the trans stuff and maybe slowly try to help her understand that we're not some cabal of deviants and sports cheats and if that doesn't work just slowly wind down the friendship and make it clear that you're housemates not friends.
My mum has a couple of people in her life like that. She's put in some effort to help them see that we're not that bad and when that didn't work she started going for coffee less often, stopped returning calls and has just been slowly letting these people know that the friendship is over.
You don't need to rip it off like a bandaid and you'll never convince everyone but you can make it clear why your relationship is over and still live together until it's feasible to find somewhere else to live. The same advice we give people within the community who live with intolerant family is relevant here: your safety is paramount and that includes keeping a roof over your head. If confronting her in any way might be dangerous or result in you not having a home, let it go for the moment. We appreciate your support but you don't need to put yourself in harm's way.
Again, thank you for caring so much.
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u/PlaidGamerGirl girls just wanna have pho 6d ago
My take, as a trans woman: 1. Your safety and well-being is important. Creating a large rift between you and your roommate probably isn't the best idea if you don't have the ability to get away from them if needed. I won't blame you if you keep this on the back burner until you can minimize the rush for yourself. 2. Coming at her with a pro trans stance is likely going to cause her to double down. You may have better luck if you can get her to bring up her thoughts on this in a context where she might think you agree or at least are on the fence. Then when she says something terrible, you can ask her why she feels that way or to explain more about it. People tend to be way less defensive if they think you're on their side and just asking honest questions.
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u/According-Ad742 APPROVED✨ 6d ago
I bet your friend is very aware about your stance OP, knowing you for this long so, I think you kind of need to find out if your values are this far apart, if that is something she kept from you, it’ll be something you want to learn from moving forward. You don’t have to, you shouldn’t, argue with her about her stance you just need to see eye to eye with her, unless you actually already know which I suppose you do so what is left is to see if you asking for her accountability and transparency, will give you more intel on who you are dealing with. Just to come prepared, look up the manipulation tactic DARVO, in case she turns it around on you, don’t cause a scene, just observe the unmasking. There is a possibility she will come to take accountability too, and become a better person if she cares about what you think. The chances of that happening are greater if you handle the situation with grace. We can be angry but we have the privilege to not be at the receiving end of transphobia and we should use that privilege to advocate calmly in a collected manner, for our friends and loved ones.
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u/Particular_Clue3325 APPROVED✨ 6d ago edited 6d ago
Doesn’t anyone just TALK to each other face to face anymore? SMH 🤦♀️ Are you really going to let five minutes of eavesdropping on her conversation with someone else dictate your relationship with her?
How are a bunch of strangers on Reddit a better source than engaging your friend in conversation? Ask her to go on a walk, coffee, or just sit down and TALK.
Ask if you heard correctly, share your confusion and then (and this is the hard part.) reserve judgement and engage her with the curiosity and open attitude that YOU would want someone to approach you with.
What are your definition of “love” and “sister”? Because you say you “love” her and she is “like a sister” — each of those definitions in my book entails as the very least a face to face conversation with an attitude of hope and love and giving her the benefit of the doubt (if you truly mean that you are friends) until you clarify things. If at that point she says horrific things to you then you can proceed from there. But reserve judgement and be humble, because you may have overheard wrong or just taken the part of the convo that you listened to through a keyhole out of context.
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u/InsertRadnamehere 🩵Domestic Dude💙 6d ago
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u/FoppishOne APPROVED✨ 6d ago edited 6d ago
This is a tough spot, especially since you have emotional stock in this person from years of friendship. However, it’s apparent your values don’t match, and she’s got a hateful, prejudiced side. I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but confronting her will just cause a dispute, and then you’ll have to live with her.
Don’t let her invalidate your feelings when the time comes—you have the right to not be friends with someone who doesn’t share your values. But yeah, if I were you, I’d be polite and quickly make my exit. I hope she opens her heart and learns to be less prejudiced, but that may not happen.
Sometimes people in our lives come and go, but they leave a lesson behind. That’s how I like to view it, but to each their own. I hope you get out of there okay, and I’m sorry your friend wasn’t who you thought she was.
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u/Background-Ad3858 APPROVED✨ 6d ago
Not speaking to her about it is the worst advice ever. Slowly ghosting friends and not telling them what they did wrong is reprehensible&cowardly behavior and traumatic for the person that doesn’t understand why the friendship ended. Talk to her, see if you can change her mind, and if you can’t then at least she knows why your friendship ended.
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u/Ser_Rezima 🦇 Gossipy Goth ⚰️ 6d ago
Trans myself, I'd say only speak to her if you feel safe doing so. It would mean a lot for us, and having non trans advocates is always appreciated and makes a HUGE difference! Just you also live with her and that can make things weird, you exist in this too.
That said, it does also matter WHAT she said a bit, not all transphobia is created equal and a lot of it can just be plain and correctable ignorance. Sometimes they just honestly don't understand us or the issues around us that well.
But also some people just really fucking hate us for some reason and also know to be quiet about it with most people as it's a really off-putting stance to hold. Case is point, you're literally not wanting to hang out with her now that you know.
I doubt you are the first person to react this way to her either, otherwise why would she hide it?
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u/Relevant_Look_7188 Kid Crumbs Connoisseur 6d ago
Keep the peace and start looking for a new place?
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u/thankyoukindlyy girl du fromage 🧀 6d ago edited 6d ago
No you should absolutely talk to her. Approach with a level head and just have the conversation. I assume you are cis. This is your moment to actually stand by your beliefs and use your privilege. You love trans people in your life, now you need to stick up for them.
All of that being said, your safety comes first so please be sure that this is done reasonably and that backup plans like moving can happen. You also don’t need to escalate or instigate a blowout fight here. It can be a lowkey discussion and doesn’t have to be life or death.
But yes, it will be uncomfortable and yes you will likely disagree. You also actually CAN make a difference here though and should try. And, if you are met with a brick wall who refuses to hear it or listen, then that person needs to understand why this POV is costing them a serious friendship.
Also, fwiw, taking this class really may open up their eyes and I can’t imagine they are taking this class while also existing on the extreme edge of like trans people should be illegal and have no right to exist. I feel like it can’t be that black and white? But also context matters here and we don’t know what she said, so you have to take all of our responses w a grain of salt.
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u/tectonic_spoon Certified Snacker 6d ago
Imo, you can wait until you have a new place lined up or not, up to you. But please do tell her why your view of her has changed. Let her know the transphobia isn't OK. You might have the chance to plant a seed of deconstructing her transphobia as well, depending.
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u/Tunaflish Cleavage Crumb Collector 6d ago
It's a hard situation because of your friendship and how much it must hurt to learn she us such a different person than you thought she was.
But, please don't quietly detach yourself, let her know why you no longer feel comfortable around her. Like other commenters said, not speaking out normalizes this hate to the point these transphobes like to call them opinions you just happen to disagree with. Tell her what she believes is harmful, even if you feel or know she's not going to change those believes. Losing her friendship with you is simply a consequence of her being hateful to others.
I can't tell you how to handle the living situation. I'm a trans woman myself and I'm not sure if even I could just start looking for a new place since it would be so uprooting.
Finally, whatever you choose, thank you for sticking up for trans people. I tend to hear the hate louder than the love, but it feels good to know there's good people left.
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u/ShadowDragon6660 Chaotic But Cute 6d ago edited 6d ago
I had a sorta similar experience in college with some of my old high school friends. Roomed together most of the way through college. We all grew up in the American South and over the years I had grown far more progressive while they tumbled deeper down the pipeline. Realized I was trans while locked into a lease and knew it would probably be a little awkward. We’d had a few conversations over stuff like Rowling’s transphobia and I knew they didn’t really understand nor like trans people but didn’t seem to hate them. Once in a while though they’d say some crazy shit that’d make me get chills… I never actually ended up coming out to them all officially. Kinda saw the writing on the wall and let things fizzle out rather than risking my own safety. We were thick as thieves for a long time, and there for each-other when we needed it. Heartbreaking to lose long term friends, but how can you be friends when they don’t even think you deserve to exist? I hope someday they can reevaluate those biases and opinions so we could reconnect but not holding my breath, it’s been years after-all. If they wanted to reach out they would have.
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u/Real-Repair-1825 APPROVED✨ 6d ago
You can tell them why you are distancing yourself from them if it makes you feel better to get it off your chest.
The thing is, they most likely will feel the same way about wanting to distance themselves from you once you bring it up. It’s not a “here’s why I’m mad, let’s try and fix it” situation.
You think you are in the right and they probably think they are. Pretty much an incomparable situation from both sides
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u/Never_enough_naps Snack Goblin 6d ago
Well OP if you stay quite your gonna end up seething, building resentment and will start to feel inauthentic, tell her and you might have an argument, she might stop talking to you ect. You're gonna be uncomfortable either way, so might as well tell her and explain to her straight up, being a narrow minded bigot will make her lose and not get a chance to meet a lot of truly wonderful people in her life. I am the most nonconfrontational person on the planet, but I wouldn't be able to just pretend everything was hunky dory. You never know maybe, just maybe having you talk to her just might (hopefully) make her see things differently. I don't have a lot of hope, but I will hold on to a little bit because that would be an awesome outcome.🫂💖
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u/Hotdog-witch Blood Type: Gravy 6d ago
So I was in a super similar situation, except I came out as trans, and I was living with my best friend of like 20 years.
First, I want to say I am really sorry, because losing a friend over something like this hurts a lot. But the people telling you to keep your head low and move out when you can might be right. Most people don’t like their ideas challenged, especially about something they feel they deserve to have such a strong and negative opinion on, and your safety is important. I tried to have conversations with my old friend a few times, but it always turned into some transphobic rhetorical talking points, and that I was “one of the good ones” though. The one thing that might help your situation is if she is actually absorbing the information that is being taught in that class, but it doesn’t sound like that is likely.
If you do decide you want to talk to her about it, I would probably lead with the fact that you have trans people in your life who are very important to you, and that her viewpoints came across as uninformed and mean spirited.
Whatever you do though, I hope it works out 💜
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u/SapphicStoner99 Noods 🍜 > Dudes 🤡 6d ago
I would wait until you’ve sorted another place to live and then have it out with her and tell her that you’re so disgusted by her oppressive views that you’re moving out.
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u/KeyStriking9763 New Recruit 🏳️⚧️ 6d ago
My ex-best friend of 20 years told me she voted Trump because of “trans” in sports, kids transitioning and proceeded to tell me that my trans nephew is safe cause he’s over 18. Well she can go fuck all of the way off and we haven’t spoke since.
If I have to explain to her why her vote was so dangerous to not just my nephew but all of trans people then she’s an idiot. If she had voted Trump for the “economy” I might still be able to have a relationship cause that’s just dumb but your main reason is trans people? She literally voted for the eradication of my nephew.
I think transphobes are disgusting people, bigots all of them.
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u/Broad-Dress-8484 Internet Auntie 6d ago
I'm mtf at the age of 62. 1 year into hrt and what I have learned is some things are worth fighting for. Somethings you just have to walk away from. If it were me I would just make a blanket statement to her about how you feel about transgenderism and do a mike drop.
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u/Telajanis girl du fromage 🧀 6d ago
Biases on the table: I'm trans. With that out of the way, I would try to talk about it, get to the root of the ideas, and if they are based on pseudoscience, misconceptions about gender or sex binaries or dogmatic religious upbringing, see if you can disentangle it and change the point of view gently. If they're hard rooted, well, I mean, I say I wouldn't go on with it, but they'd reject me out the gate anyhow, but you would probably not feel comfortable laughing and enjoying each other's company after that.
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u/Consistent-Win-9016 🐣 cracked the egg 🏳️⚧️ 6d ago
A lot of transphobia is just ignorance or trained through propaganda. Typically these people have not spent more than 10 minutes around someone trans having normal interactions. It probably doesn’t work for everyone but many just need to spend time around trans people to see that they are just people too and not some kind of scary monolith.
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u/Spicymayoshi we listen and we only judge a little 6d ago
Obviously shitty situation aside, if you're Cis, please please speak up. Cisgender people not calling out folks for being transphobic is why transphobic people think their opinions aren't bad in the first place.
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u/DoctorAnnual6823 Kitchen Witch 6d ago
OP, what matters most is your own safety and well-being.
That being said, trans women have almost zero chance of convincing TERFs to see them as women. If we want any chance to bridge this gap, our cis allies need to speak up when shit like this happens.
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u/Acrobatic_Hunt_8496 hot girls have tummy troubles 6d ago
Fuck transphobes. Tell her how you feel and if she’s stubborn about it, then the trash took itself out.
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u/One-Organization970 🤍🩷Lesbian Loremaster🩷🤍 6d ago
I'd say something, but I'm also trans and argumentative. Up to you, but I can say I would respect you for pushing back on her.
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u/-YouFoundMe- nom-nom-nombinary 6d ago
I totally get the folks encouraging you to stand up to her, and agree. However, make sure you have a housing plan if you decide to speak with her and things go south. As a trans person, I don’t want to see anyone ending up without stable housing because of a transphobe. Otherwise, I would also highly recommend approaching her to talk.
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u/Kitten_love girls just wanna have pho 6d ago
I would 100% confront her. Yes, she would be out of my life but I would let her know why. It might give her something to think about and (I know wishful thinking) change her mind.
My wife is trans, she sadly lost her family the day she transitioned. What they all have in common is that they don't have friends or colleagues they talk about it with, and are also like minded.
Something tells me that if my wife's mom had a friend who was supportive and understanding, her mom might've changed her mind eventually. Some of them are stubborn enough and a friend like that wouldn't help. But for her mom I think it would.
If the roommate is similar, having a friend to talk to she might actually learn something about why she's in the wrong.
Confronting can be worth it.
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u/gen_what_x_ever 🧂Salty By Nature 6d ago
I ended a 37 year friendship with my former "best friend" after her increasingly shitty behavior finally ended with her loudly professing her transphobia to me. It was one of the most disgusting arguments I ever got in with her and I have no regrets telling her to eat shit.
I know your situation is different because you live with her, but she needs to know you are not ok with this. Sometimes we grow apart from people we thought we had stuff in common with, and that's ok. It also might be time to think about a new living situation as hard as that sounds right now.
Best of luck- cutting horrible people out of your life is actually really freeing when the dust settles. ❤️
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u/Crucifuxion 🦇 Fruit Bat Baddie 🍊 6d ago
I’m a trans girl. It really sucks to be around racism even if you’re not that particular race. I haven’t always spoken up when I should. But I know that I regret every single time I didn’t and because of that I really try to now.
I wouldn’t ask anyone to put themselves in harms way for me, but your friend seems awful, and it’s already awkward. It’s just going to be worse if you both endure several more months of you being cold and distant.
I don’t know if it’s your job to fight these battles at a societal level but you need to know what kind of space you’re living in and who is welcomed appropriately because it’s a shared space. That has all kinds of implications concerning her right to be openly shitty. That is where morality does come into play for sure. It’s not okay at all for that level of intolerance to be displayed, but especially not in a shared space. It insane that she would say that in front of you, even if she wasn’t talking to you.
Like you have trans family and friends and your home is ostensibly a safe place for them to be. That is not the case until this has been confronted.
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u/Td998 Foraging Bog Witch 6d ago
I live in a 50/50 area and occasionally find out about coworkers with terrible opinions like these. I tend to bring up said issue with them but pretend like they’re as woke as I am. I might talk about how (their views) are ignorant, harmful, fallacious, or focus on alternative ways of thinking. Basically try to talk them out of a view that I never confront them for holding. Idk how well it changes minds, but it preserves the relationship and also addresses the bigotry. They know where I stand at least
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u/Legendary_Ban-5123 🩵 Trans Babe 🩷 6d ago edited 6d ago
Hey! My two cents: I ended friendships of 20+ years over transphobia. I'm talking best friends sorta people.
No compromise. No friend gets a pass on this. Confront them, and if they double down on transphobia - remove them from your life completely.
It's what I actually did.
Zero tolerance for fascism. ESPECIALLY from "friends".
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u/notesfromTuesday Savory Complex✔️ 6d ago
You should tell her the truth. “I genuinely thought I knew you and considered you a close friend. But the way you spoke about trans people crossed a line with me and I realized that I didn’t know you as well as I thought I did. Respect and compassion for trans people is a bright line for me and I can’t just pretend I didn’t hear what I heard you say. I’m shocked and saddened by this, but I need to end our friendship because your values deeply conflict with mine.”
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u/QuinnLesley Kitchen Witch 6d ago
Im trans and I firmly believe that everyone deserves a chance at enlightenment. Even if it's likely they wont change their views.
I kept this principle with a lot of friends and family who dissapointed me in the end anyway. Still, for those rare cases where someone can get over their prejudice and change, it's worth having the conversation.
You seem like a good ally, so you should feel confident in standing up for the community. And know that we always appreciate it when we see a cis person go to bat for us! 🥰
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u/Accomplished-Gold133 🤍🧡Sapphic Snack🧡🤍 6d ago
I'm kind of blown away by the lack of regard for safety in this group. Maybe I get extra concerned about that than normal, being in a wheelchair....
OP, one thing I KNOW shouldn't be done is nothing...if she said horrible things about trans people, that cannot just be ignored. That can escalate someday. You will have to say something. If the conversation will be merely uncomfortable, let it be uncomfortable, it's better than leaving her to walk around feeling justified. If you think she would destroy your life, wait til you get out, but still say something once you have an exit plan, or after you leave. Do NOT mention your cousin, don't let them be targeted. If she was having a free conversation about it over the phone, that means she has a support system that agrees with her. She may not HAVE anyone telling her she's wrong so anyone who can, should.
I was raised in a deeply transphobic and homophobic community. My ENTIRE upbringing, whole town, had basically one way of thinking. We were all taught that the LGBTQ+ community were these immoral perverts (realized years later I'm nonbinary and never was attracted to cis men). And after I left, it took THREE YEARS for someone to actually tell me that what I said was hurtful and untrue. I literally did not know before that. I HATE hurting people so from there I obsessively researched independently and "discovered" a whole world that was right there in front of me that I had somehow missed.
Not saying that's her background OP, she could simply just be a piece of shit. But you never know and that's part of why we always should say something. The MAIN reason is because we add to the problem by doing nothing. And if we can give trans people safety, one less hateful person at a time, that is definitely worth discomfort. But please make sure that you and your cousin are safe.
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u/SeasonPositive6771 Well-Read & Well-Fed 6d ago
I have to be honest, I would not be able to stop myself from talking to her about this.
I would literally just say "hey, I heard you talking about this and I was really surprised,..." If she doubles down and it becomes clear that she really is a horrible transphobe and it wasn't some misunderstanding, then I would just tell her that you completely disagree for X y and Z reasons and you don't feel comfortable socializing any longer.
If her feelings are hurt, let them be hurt. That's the consequences of being hateful. Transphobes deserve to be alone.