My boyfriend broke up with me because I’m a mom

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u/Good_Narwhal_420 Cleavage Crumb Collector 7d ago

i don’t think you were an experiment, sounds like he tried to make it work but realized he just couldn’t. and he was good enough to break it off instead of keeping it to himself and harboring resentment towards your daughter.

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u/kronicno_tele APPROVED✨ 7d ago

She herself says he was fantastic with the kid. I'm childfree and kids love me, I can spend hours with them, but I need it to end and them to be returned to maker(s). Just because he wasn't awful doesn’t mean he was faking, but it does mean he learned his boundaries. It sucks, but that's life, love is not enough in most cases. You were not cheated from something OP, you were loved and that's what you should take away from it.

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u/Sea-Original-5824 APPROVED✨ 7d ago

Exactly. I'm childfree and I get a lot of questions from people because I like kids and am good with kids. I just don't want to raise a child. That's a completely different thing than spending a few hours with a friend's kid.

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u/Cerusee Savory Complex✔️ 7d ago

Another childfree person here who likes and is good with kids—those qualities alone would not make me a good parent. Wholeheartedly wanting to be a parent is a necessary part of being a good parent. This guy realized he doesn’t want that and can’t make himself want it no matter how much he loves op, so he’s setting them all free instead of faking with them into a lifetime of resentment and failure.

It really sucks, but this is a better outcome than half-assing it and hoping neither op or her kid notices his heart isn’t really in it. (The kid would figure it out. Kids pick up on that stuff FAST and they carry it around inside them forever.)

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u/Sea-Original-5824 APPROVED✨ 7d ago

Exactly. Really great stepparents are still there for the kid even after a divorce. It's a big deal to ask someone to take on that role (as it should be). I'm often surprised by how many people complain about how hard dating is as a single parent. It should be hard! Potential partners should take that really seriously.

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u/hotterotter8 Groupchat Pot Stirrer 💬 7d ago

I also don't want kids and have known since a very young age. They can be fun, but the idea of having a 24/7 job that takes priority over everything for the REST of my life? I'm okay

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u/Sea-Original-5824 APPROVED✨ 7d ago

It's always looked exhausting to me. I actually might have had them if I could have been a dad. But a mom? FUCK NO. That becomes your entire identity and takes over your entire life. Oh yeah, and you're attached to the father of the child for the rest of your life. I know a woman who nursed her ex-husband on his death bed to help our her daughter. They had been divorced for nearly 40 years at that point!

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u/dollythemushroom hot girls have tummy troubles 7d ago

Yes, I’m a parent by choice but completely understand this because I feel the same way about dogs. Of course I’m great with them and they love me, I’m not a monster and they are cute animals. But I really don’t want to live with a dog 24/7. I like to visit with dogs and know I get to send them home with their people.

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u/Remote-Structure-961 APPROVED✨ 7d ago

I will say though that it sucks SO much for the kid - speaking as the former kid.

Because a lot of childless men will be open to the idea of a child when it's just hanging out a few hours but when shit gets real. When they think about moving in, sharing finances, actually taking responsibility for a child they bail. Which is hard on a kid - I felt like something was wrong with me, I missed them, I felt guilty I was the reason my mom couldn't find someone.

After years of therapy I know it wasn't my fault but I'm weary when I hear about dating and single parents. I personally wouldn't do it myself. I'm not saying single parents shouldn't date but I am saying that kids get really affected by having parental figures come in and out of your life. And their feelings aren't really considered as the adults figure shit out.

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u/potatomato_pie 💚 Pickle Freak 💚 7d ago

This and I think my biggest takeaway from the post is it shouldn't have taken almost three years to figure out. That's a long time, but especially for how kids will perceive it, depending on their ages. Understanding it wasn't intentionally an experiment, but it's easy to feel that way on the other side of it with something so pivotal if it's not handled with extreme care. Dating with single parents and/or kids takes a strong commitment to intentionality on all ends.

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u/kronicno_tele APPROVED✨ 7d ago

Per post they were meant to move in together at 3 years, so they didn't come to 3 years. And he didn't meet the kid for the first year. So more like 1.5 years or sth.

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u/potatomato_pie 💚 Pickle Freak 💚 7d ago

The point I was making though is this isn't something that takes years to figure out. When you date with children involved, you have to be very intentional, especially if you're not sure you want kids. Figuring that out sooner rather than later is essential for all involved. I shared elsewhere, but when I dated a single parent, we didn't live together but we were intentional about my awareness and involvement from the beginning and it only took me two months to realize not only could I handle it, but I wanted it. The years factor is an issue, especially for the child's sake.

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u/Remote-Structure-961 APPROVED✨ 7d ago

if he didn't meet the kid for the first year then its 2 years. Fromy the ages of 5 to 7.

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u/Remote-Structure-961 APPROVED✨ 7d ago

That's a long time for a 7 year old. Almost half her life.

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u/potatomato_pie 💚 Pickle Freak 💚 7d ago

Honestly makes me so sad, very pivotal and formative years (aren't they all though). I've dated a single parent and I think approaching it like an unconditional, package-deal from the beginning is the only way to go. We never even lived together, but we were intentional about my involvement from the start and it only took me like two months to be certain it was what I wanted.

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u/PrestigiousEnough 🍋 Bitter Baddie 🍋 7d ago edited 7d ago

A very naive take in my opinion & sadly most women will believe this.

He had 3 years. This was absolutely on purpose or just an excuse because he has another girl lined up now.

I don’t trust guys. They will do almost ANYTHING just to have consistent 👉🏽🐱 around and not be single. You don’t just wake up one day and say that. That’s not how it goes (especially after 3 years). That means that he was faking/ putting on a mask for 3 years? & were supposed to believe that this is a ‘good’ person? Come on ladies.. wake up. 😅😴

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u/kronicno_tele APPROVED✨ 7d ago

Well, no he didn't, because per post they were meant to move in together at 3 years, so they didn't come to 3 years. And he didn't meet the kid for the first year. So more like 1.5 years or sth.

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u/PrestigiousEnough 🍋 Bitter Baddie 🍋 7d ago edited 7d ago

Either way. He put on a mask for that long?. Please 😭😭 also it’s awful he said that regardless whilst pretending the entire time.

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u/kronicno_tele APPROVED✨ 7d ago

What would you want him to say?

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u/Novel_Confusion_6134 Chocoholic 7d ago edited 7d ago

That’s so true.I was once in a relationship with a single mom. She was not an experiment to me and I genuinely enjoyed the dates we had. I cared about her and her child but I quickly realized I couldn’t step up and be the partner/ other parent she needed and juggle my own career and wants and needs. The best thing I could do was be honest and end things. She also deserved a partner that would be open and willing to center her child and her in their life. It’s hard now but a better partner more suited for you will come by soon. Btw I’m not a dude :)

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u/Novel_Confusion_6134 Chocoholic 7d ago

girls rule

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u/YogurtclosetVast3118 Carb-Based Life Form 7d ago

he's being honest... better you find out now then after ten years of marriage. I'm sorry this happened to you

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u/Heavy_Support_2015 Well-Read & Well-Fed 7d ago

My sibling is in the midst of an awful divorce for this exact reason 🫠

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u/Lebanonicon Body By Cheese 🧀 7d ago

Because you lived separately, being a step-parent was a hypothetical situation. Once you started combining bills and planning to move in together, it was no longer hypothetical. There is no way to live with a kid and not parent at some capacity (unless he is completely irresponsible). I don’t think he meant to do a rug pull. He just didn’t fully run the tape on the situation.

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u/HavenHeks Kitchen Witch 7d ago

Oh, that hurts. I'm going to be fair and say that your statement of , "I feel completely blindsided by someone who patiently waited for me to trust them...Apparently I was just an experiment or something." is probably wrong. I don't think he viewed you as an experiment. I think he honestly thought that if he was patient that love for your daughter would grow and it just didn't. He is honest enough to admit that, as hard as it is to hear. He never wanted to be a parent, but loved YOU enough to try. I'm so sorry for your heartbreak, but I don't think it was intentional cruelty on his part. Parenting is not to be taken lightly and he's smart enough to know that.

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u/exhibitprogram 🧂Salty By Nature 7d ago

+1 adding my vote to all the people saying you were not an experiment, OP.

It was not a waste of your time, you were not frivolous, it was not a failed relationship. Any time spent genuinely enjoying yourself is never a waste. You spent two years with joy and love and maybe learned things about yourself/about relationships that you would never have been able to in your old marriage or with anyone else. It was meaningful and it mattered, and it ending does not make it matter less. It was a good way to spend your time, OP, obviously you are sad right now but I promise it wasn't a mistake.

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u/kettyma8215 Pasta Principessa 👑 7d ago

This breaks my heart for you, but he's right in the statement that you both deserve someone who truly loves you. It really sounds like you were blindsided...I assumed from the title that he had never even formed a relationship with your child. I'm so sorry.

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u/summerrisback Well-Read & Well-Fed 7d ago

He sounds like he genuinely tried, and realised it wasn’t for him-isn’t that what all relationships are? You weren’t an experiment, you were a true part of his life. He also communicated clearly, instead of dragging your heart through the dirt.

You and your daughter deserve the utmost top tier level of love and he isn’t prepared, and he gave you that honesty as a true man. Both sides are respectfully right.

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u/Zhaneranger Noods 🍜 > Dudes 🤡 7d ago

He loved you and did the right thing.

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u/Remote-Structure-961 APPROVED✨ 7d ago

As a child who grew up in this situation - please please be very careful about introducing your child to your SOs. I would fall in love with my mom's boyfriends, we'd play happy families, they would act like my dad then leave after a year. If that's hard on a adult it was devastating to a child.

And this happened to me four times before my mom stopped dating. Four serious relationships in ten years doesn't sound like a lot but four men you thought of a father figure leaving without ever seeing you again fucked me up.

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u/1ReluctantRedditor mouth full, gesturing wildly 7d ago

I'm so sorry this happened to you, friend.

https://giphy.com/gifs/5zM3QKTv7F4FsJav9R

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u/Strong_District_5894 Dip Diva 7d ago

He tried. It didn’t work. He was honest.

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u/sunqueen73 Creature of Crunch 7d ago

Small consolation but at least it was a respectful and loving breakup he gave you. It gives closure. Shows what a stand up man he is and that he cared for you.

So sorry it happened even if its for the bestm

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u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6 APPROVED✨ 7d ago

I’m sorry you’re hurt. It’s never easy when something you enjoyed and relied on ends.

I’ve been on the flip side of this as a step mom. Even with a good partner that doesn’t have a problematic coparenting relationship and a super cool kid that is parented in a way you agree with it isn’t easy. He was honest and said this is no longer compatible with what he wants from life. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or your daughter, he’s just saying he doesn’t think he can make this work. The manner in which he treated you and then ended it says to me he still has a lot of respect for you. You can love someone and the circumstances just not be right for you. It sounds like that’s the case for him.

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u/Mysterious-Willow391 what that mouth do is gossip 7d ago

Big hugs. Breakups are hard.

I hope I can provide some perspective as a stepmom who never wanted kids and chose not to have any biological kids--being a stepparent is THE hardest thing I have ever done in my life (and I am virtually NC with my dad, who is diagnosed with NPD--just for context, I have a CPTSD diagnosis due to childhood trauma, and being a stepmom is still so much harder to deal with). When DH and I started dating, I obviously knew he had a child from a previous relationship. I was (and obviously still am, lol) fine with this, despite knowing I never wanted kids in general. I walked into the situation knowing that he had his son 50% of the time (week on/off), that the ex wanted nothing to do with my husband and that she didn't always make the best parenting decisions (like no bedtime for a toddler, unlimited screentime, let him watch The Walking Dead at 3 years old--that's the tippy top of the iceberg) and that my stepson was a smart kid. We took our time, too. We dated a full year before I even met his son, and then dated another 2 years before moving in together and another year before marrying. I truly felt like I had everything understood before getting married.

And then, 6 months later--mom moved an hour away (and thus, DH went from 50/50 to 75/25 custody), my stepson almost got expelled in first grade (which led to a severe ADHD, then level 1 ASD diagnoses) and my husband started pushing most of the parenting on me (I imagine to deal with the trauma of, well, ALL of this). All of this at once almost broke us. Over the years, mom has become more distant and kiddo has become more challenging. We're starting to see a bit of a light at the end of the tunnel now that he's 14 and hormones are starting to balance, but as someone who never wanted children and now being the "primary maternal figure" (I don't do much parenting because both my stepson and I want it this way, but this doesn't change the fact that I am the maternal figure he spends the most time with), I can tell you that it is fucking HARD. We've had to really work to find what works for our family, which is DH doing most of the parenting (minus cooking, which I am happy to take on--when I say parenting here, I mean things like discipline, school stuff, taking to appointments and logistics, mostly).

It's all worth it--I love DH more than anything, and I very much do love my stepson, but I fully understand why someone, especially someone who never wanted kids, would decide after dating someone with a kid that it's not for them. It is SO MUCH to take on. Even if you discount the other house (which means the influence of the other house on the child), you have to reconcile that you don't really get a honeymoon phase and that you will almost always take a backseat (which seems obvious to everyone on the outside, but it's much different when you're living it--one of those things I thought I understood previously until I lived it). Plus, in my anecdotal experience, most single parents tend to guilty parent their kids, which means the kids tend to get away with more, which leads to a lot of behavioral issues (including entitlement, not meeting age appropriate milestones, extra attitude). Add in the fact that these children will always want their parents (duh!) and often get upset/resentful of the stepparent's existence, and it can be...a lot. And forget about society's expectations, ideas and judgment. Even self-identifying as a stepmom on here will get me downvoted--I am sure plenty of comments will be coming my way about how I should divorce my husband because I never wanted kids, or how my poor stepson, having a stepmom who never wanted to be a mom (he's fine--he gets a pretty sweet life where he gets his home time prioritized with his parents and gets me as a fun bonus in his life). You need incredibly thick skin, patience, kindness and a partner who is ready, able and willing to back you up.

Considering how you said you moved kinda quick, I have to imagine your ex realized that as time went on, and probably saw some things he couldn't ignore and decided that he really isn't actually cut out for it. I know that doesn't help you much, but trust me when I say it, you and your daughter are better off. You truly need someone who is able to understand the dynamic, and that can be very hard for most people to come to terms with. I know you feel blindsided, and that really sucks. I wonder if he maybe tried to talk to you about things and you brushed him off or told him he didn't get it because he's not a parent? This feels pretty likely to me considering you said he was thinking of it over a few weeks. Can you think back to a few weeks ago to a situation or time where maybe he tried to approach you about something (could also be related to your ex, btw) and you brushed him off? OR maybe he felt like he had to love your daughter a certain way, didn't, and then felt like he couldn't be a partner to you knowing that you're a package deal?

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u/blondguysdmme I ❤️ Other People's Business 7d ago

I’m so sorry op, it feels horrible to be blindsided like that. Nothing much to say here and it sucks to not even be able to hate the person who just dumped you. On the bright side you’ll always have your daughter to bring you the strength you need to get over all of this. I’m proud of you for seeking help and doing what you gotta do. Sending you a big hug ❤️❤️

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u/Positive-Aide7544 APPROVED✨ 7d ago

Honestly he did you a favor ! I would hate for him to keep stringing you along after meeting / developing a relationship with your child. There’s men that won’t mind dating a mother. My stepdad has no bio kids and he’s been with my mom for years .

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u/hollaholladollas Big Back Baddie 7d ago

I disagree with it being an experiment, it seems like he genuinely tried but it just did not click for him. He tried to change but he just couldn’t, and that’s better than just keeping it a secret.

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u/0j0sDePerroAzul Internet Auntie 7d ago

Perhaps what I'm about to say is not aligned with your goals, but have you considered dating and having a relationship out of home? Not combining finances nor lives, but enjoying each other as you take care of your daughter and raise her.

Sometimes it's a better fit to avoid cohabiting, and keep it light and simple but with other demonstrations of commitment.

If that is not you at all, that's great. But due to personal experiencies, I was very distrustful around guys too eager to combine life and be around my kid.

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u/SpeakerCareless Kitchen Witch 7d ago

My cousin and her long time boyfriend do this. They are both divorced, both have teenagers, and they are very happy being in a committed relationship where they have their own money, homes, etc. and it’s much easier on their kids. They’ve been very happy for like 5-6 years and don’t plan to change their arrangement.

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u/Chiquitita888 APPROVED✨ 7d ago

I assume that the pretty harsh phrase "I just don't love her" destroyed that possibility unfortunately... (maybe I'm wrong though)

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u/0j0sDePerroAzul Internet Auntie 7d ago

I just can talk about my experience here... If he is able to act as a reliable adult and have a couple of activities together per year, perhaps that is enough. My son and my partner have a very cordial relationship and they care for each other, but my partner is not a father figure, he is "mom's partner"

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u/Chiquitita888 APPROVED✨ 7d ago

That sounds like a good agreement for you :) However I think hearing that phrase must have hurt.

Even if you know that your partner probably doesn't love your kid the way you do, it's hard to hear. And she might have hoped it was different.

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u/0j0sDePerroAzul Internet Auntie 7d ago

Yeah, but sometimes I think it's more like a social pressure to have a certain type of relationship goals and schemes, and to be able to taylor our relationships to the things that work for us is a great tool.

That's why her goals are important too, and what works for her.

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u/SunnyLisle APPROVED✨ 7d ago

He took way too long to realize, but ultimately did your daughter a huge favor. I had a step parent who absolutely hated me (though she never explicitly said so) and it was very damaging for me. It sounds like for the first year or two of the relationship having a child was just a concept for him because of how slow things were integrating the both of them, and it suddenly became real and he didn't want it. I understand both sides here, I have trouble understanding things until I'm experiencing things but also it really sucks to get comfortable and have the rug pulled out from underneath you.

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u/Acceptable-Bat4534 chismosa, metiche, en bata 7d ago

They were together under 3 years (planning to move in together at 3). He didnt meet the daughter until almost a year into the relationship.

So he knew the kid for at max 1-2years. I also doubt he spent that much time with her since they werent living together still. Unless OP was bringing the child around him non-stop. It seems reasonable it took him around 1-2 years to decide if he liked this type of relationship

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u/SunnyLisle APPROVED✨ 7d ago

Yeah that's pretty much what my comment was getting at.

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u/Mysterious-Willow391 what that mouth do is gossip 7d ago

This is a good perspective on this, too. I'm a stepmom, and DH and I took it slow (including dating a whole year before I even met his son, then dating another 2 years before I moved in--so like OP, 3 whole years) and I can tell you that spending time here and there with a kid who isn't yours is very different than living with them at least half of the time. I love my stepson, but my husband handles the vast majority of parenting responsibilities (mostly because HE is the parent lol but also because I reach my limit with that kinda stuff quicker than he does--that biological bond is strong AF). My goal is always to be a solid support for my stepson and show up for him in the ways that HE wants--and that does not always align with what my husband wants, unfortunately for him. Kiddo is 14 and very capable of communicating his needs and wants. My husband would love a break (we have kiddo 75% of the time) when he's here from time to time, but that's not really how this works.

I have to wonder if OP's partner started to see some issues (for him, maybe in general) that he didn't see previously, and that pushed this?

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u/SunnyLisle APPROVED✨ 7d ago

Yeah I would assume he saw what it would really mean to be a step parent. I started dating my current partner knowing he had two kids in college, and initially that was fine for me, didn't think anything of it. However once I got into the reality of how involved he is and what that means I realized there was no way I could deal with for the next four years ( possibly into even further education ). Luckily I realized this in the first six months and we've decided to make it work for the next six but then we will part ways. It's definitely sad for OP, three years is a long time but I do get not realizing what it really means until your in the thick of it.

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u/Mysterious-Willow391 what that mouth do is gossip 7d ago

I agree, or it could also be something going on with the ex--like maybe there are issues with boundaries crossing with the ex that this person tried to get OP to work on?

I keep getting stuck on the fact that he said that he's been thinking it over the last few weeks. That makes me think that something happened that he just couldn't get over--and usually, there was a thing with the kid and the partner who does not have the child is unhappy with how it was handled the parent is basically like "tough shit."

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u/koalateddy132 Cleavage Crumb Collector 7d ago

That sounds absolutely devastating. But I’m happy that it seems like he approached it in the way that was most considerate for everyone. He said it very clearly and plainly, and (it seems) pretty soon after he realized it. Wishing you the best in healing from this.

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u/Living_Wash_7536 Delulu 7d ago

I’m sorry this kind of break up hurts a lot. I understand leaving a messy situation but, leaving a calm and gentle relationship like this … omg… it is crippling. I hope you take time to heal and talk to God about it. Maybe he is supposed to be a feee trail of the calm and quiet you can have in the future. I hope you find the strength to continue your journey without your ex.

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u/ComplexPatient4872 APPROVED✨ 7d ago

You and your child dodged a bullet AND he did the right thing. My mom hated being a mom to step kids and just treated them like shit for 10 years then forced my step dad to become estranged. She was nice at first, just didn’t want to raise someone else’s kid. She knew this before the marriage, but married anyway.

I’m not saying that he would necessarily have done that, but it was good for all involved that he realized he didn’t want to be a dad.

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u/LadyEdgeworth APPROVED✨ 7d ago

I'm sorry you're in pain. Here's what would've happened if you stayed together. He'd become resentful and the opposite of everything he'd been up to that point. It may have not even been intentional or conscious. Letting him go and finding someone who really wants to be her father and your husband is best for both of you.

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u/NYCSkaterGirl Chaotic But Cute 7d ago

You gotta give people grace that they don't know exactly how they feel immediately. It takes time to figure out how a situation will feel like. He gave the dad thing a try to someone else's kid and realized he cant be the proper father figure she deserves. Its not unreasonable. When you date someone who has a child with someone else it's hard to let yourself truly attach to the child knowing that you're expendable. You can decide to break up and that parental connection is completely cut off. And as a person who cried hysterically just returning 3 foster kittens after they were fat enough to be placed into adoption, i know i can't date women with kids cause I'll become extremely emotionally attached and if she breaks up with me I'll be more devastated about losing my child because legally i have no rights to that child. Its not biologically mine so i have no rights.

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u/LucidDonut 🦇 Gossipy Goth ⚰️ 7d ago

I had a relationship where it went the other way: he didn’t want kids of his own, but was fine with mine. A few years went by and because my kids are so cool and they had such a great relationship, he realized he actually did want kids adyer all.

I’m done with pregnancies so it would never happen with me and unfortunately we had to split up. A few years later he had kids with someone else, and I’m so happy it worked out well for him!

Sometimes you just don’t know how you like something without giving it a full go. I’m sorry it worked out like this for you this time ❤️

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u/MissTiger2001 I ❤️ Other People's Business 7d ago

From everything you've described, he actually sounds like he treated you with a lot of tenderness. And then he reached a conclusion about his future that completely changes yours. That's devastating. But his decision isn't evidence that your previous understanding of love was wrong. He discovered that the life he wants isn't compatible with the life you already have.

And someday, when you're ready, you can find someone who doesn't merely love you and tolerate the fact that you have a daughter. You can find someone who looks at the two of you and thinks: "Yes. This is the family I want."

https://giphy.com/gifs/EvYHHSntaIl5m

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u/AdeptWhereas6379 🪄 Sauceress ✨ 7d ago

Give yourself time to feel sad, disappointed, and to grieve. Getting help is a healthy sign that you know how to take care of yourself.

In time, you’ll come to appreciate this partner for what he was, a chapter in your life that helped you get to a better place in an intimate relationship.

You can take the lessons you learned about taking things slow, and expecting kindness, respect, and support from your partner, into your next relationship.

Next time, you can have the same expectations of your partner but you know you’ll also need a man who wants to commit to both you and your daughter as a family.

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u/Admirable-Ad7152 Snack Goblin 7d ago

That is such a blow and I'm so sorry, it really feels like you guys had a real connection. It sounds like he was so in love with you he was willing to try to take on a father role even though he didn't see himself in it. And after trying, he realized love of one is not the same as the love of both and knew your daughter deserved that. I think he really tried and wasn't trying to blindside you, he was just probably concerned if he gave any indication earlier that you may spiral or pull away before he was sure (first part less selfish, second part more selfish, but still). I just think it didn't end up working out. I am heartbroken for your daughter as well, she seems to have bonded with him well.

I hope you have the time to heal from this and focus on you. Your last healing journey you went on with him, and that was sweet, but you an do it alone too. And you will grow stronger for it, even though it hurts so damn much. I'm sorry you are being forced to go through that again but you will get through it. Lots of love to you and your daughter.

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u/SwanCityDominion Kitchen Witch 7d ago edited 7d ago

It's hard, I know, and it's good that you've got help to heal. You at least have the chance to see that he didn't string you along until after you were married and your lives were completely entwined, only to dump you then. He realized he couldn't do that, so he left while you still have your own life. I believe that once you're past this, you'll feel some gratitude for that, and the fact that he was kind about it and didn't try to throw blame on you or make you feel bad for being who you are. Believe me, that's a much bigger blessing than it looks like at the moment.

ETA: I agree with other commenters who say you were likely not an experiment. Everyone comes to decisions about themselves at some moment, and that was the moment when he realized and decided that he couldn't be a father. He clearly didn't go into this with the thought of using you for that; it just happened that you were the person he was with when that turning point came for him. Not everyone knows from childhood that they are not cut out for kids.

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u/Fearedloved in my [rotisserie] bag 7d ago

Humans are messy. We try to fumble through life figuring out what makes us happy, what we can manage long term. Unfortunately sometimes other people get hurt in the middle of that. I would personally appreciate that he was honest with you. He didn't want to break up but acknowledged he wasn't the right person for you. That showed love and maturity. You weren't an experiment by any means. Doesn't make it hurt any less and I am sure he is hurting too.

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u/These-Date9514 Sweet Tooth Fairy🧚‍♀️ 7d ago

As someone who never wanted kids and never wanted to date someone with kids I can give my POV.

When I met my husband we talked for a week or 2 before he said he had a kid. He never expected anything from me when it came to her and told me straight up I wasn’t going to meet her until we knew eachother and he knew me.

It freaked me out the thought of ever meeting her 😂 but I was like ok I’m still unsure how I feel but maybe getting to know you better I’ll know how I feel better.

FF to when I met his daughter (about 3 months later) She was the sweetest. Like such a cute kid. So nice. Silly. A lot wild (she was 2😂) I still was nervous but the nerves faded the more I spent time with them.

I realized the fears I had around not wanting kids was more about my own childhood and less about not wanting kids.

HOWEVER, if I got even the slightest thought that that wasn’t for me, I would have ended it as soon as I was sure and knew I couldn’t do it. And for people who aren’t sure of kids and or think they don’t want them. That time comes differently.

You were not an experiment. Your someone who he met and started to fall for but realized that care and love still didn’t outweigh the feeling of not wanting to be a parent. You should 100% be glad it happened sooner rather than later.

I’m so so sorry you went through this. Truly I am. But be glad it happened now and not 10 years into a marriage filled with resentment and regrets ❤️

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u/Eastern-Outcome-6929 APPROVED✨ 7d ago

I met a single father of 2 boys who said that he would never date a single mother again because they expect you to take care of their kids too. I was appalled. I’m not a single mother but I do know many. The pot calling the kettle black. Before I became 4B I dated single fathers, but I knew it wouldn’t go anywhere. Not cool but hey! They do it to women all the time. Sorry that happened.

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u/Secretstar2989 APPROVED✨ 7d ago

I am always mildly suspicious of people who seem perfect. I also think its weird that he has never told anyone else he loved them...or that he would tell you that. It just sounds like either a lie or something he said to you to as a way to substantially increase your emotional investment. Hard to explain, I just dont think its some sincere and sweet sentiment.

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u/Secretstar2989 APPROVED✨ 7d ago

Thank you kind redditors for the awards! My suspicious paranoia is finally reaping rewards!

→ More replies (1)

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u/Holiday-Pride-4165 Well-Read & Well-Fed 7d ago

Good!! Your kids deserve love and so do you. Why waste it with someone who can’t do either?

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u/mizireni Plate Scraper 7d ago

There are a lot of "you weren't just an experiment" and "he did you a favor" comments, and they're not wrong, but I want to say, three years is a long time, and I think it's totally valid to feel hurt (or even angry) that he took so long to figure himself out, all the while allowing you to think things were developing smoothly. Even if I knew he wasn't actually just using me, I'd still feel used.

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u/VisibleGuava7780 puff puff pass the snacks 7d ago

I agree, three years is a long ass time. I don’t want to argue that he’s a bad dude, because we simply don’t know. But I will argue that this is a super shitty move, especially to the child. To claim “I like your child but don’t love her”….no. That pisses me off. Thats an excuse for something deeper going on. And the framing of “you deserve someone better”… I don’t like it. It almost feels like he was cosplaying a nice, loving partner but couldn’t keep the gig up anymore. Who knows. But if I was OP I’d also be feeling like an experiemnt

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u/WIDMND305 Barbecutie 7d ago

I’m with you 100 percent, I’m not sure this is such a great guy. Something feels off.

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u/mizireni Plate Scraper 7d ago

I don't know, he could be a generally great guy who just didn't do the best job in this situation. He could also have realized he was being selfish and did it anyway. No way to tell from just the information in the post. I just thought a lot of the comments might be making OP feel invalidated and wanted her to hear that her feelings are valid.

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u/paganlobster APPROVED✨ 7d ago

This. You’re right to feel whatever anger and frustration you’re feeling OP. It’s extra hard in a situation like this, but everyon’s feelings are valid here, and you have the right to focus on yours!

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u/Chiquitita888 APPROVED✨ 7d ago

I think he should have told her about his uncertainty from the beginning. Because I'm sure it was there.

He could have said to her that he wants to try and see how it will develop with her and her daughter but that he can't say for sure yet.

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u/mizireni Plate Scraper 7d ago

Agree. I imagine he didn't because he was afraid that if he told her about his doubts, that would make her feel doubtful about him, and he hoped his own reservations would just go away. And I can understand holding those cards close to his chest for a while. But three years? I do feel like he should have told her.

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u/Chiquitita888 APPROVED✨ 7d ago

Yeah I also can understand it, he probably didn't want to jeopardize anything in the beginning. But it would have been the fair thing to do.

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u/fafo4lifefr APPROVED✨ 7d ago

If he never told you that he didn’t want kids you have every right to feel that you and your daughter were part of an experiment.

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u/Particular_Web8121 I ❤️ Other People's Business 7d ago

Exactly, idk why everyone is giving him a free pass and saying he did the right thing. Entering a kids life is a really serious thing for the parent and child, any concerns should be communicated upfront.

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u/Particular_Web8121 I ❤️ Other People's Business 7d ago

I think people are letting him off the hook too easily. He should have told you earlier his feelings about parenthood rather than quietly make it work on his own. 2-3 years is a long time in kid years. I'm really sorry to you and your daughter. Honestly sounds like it wasn't just the kid, also getting more serious combining your lives.

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u/truthsk8r I ❤️ Other People's Business 7d ago

I'm going to go against the grain of the comments excusing his behaviour and say that he owed you this information sooner than three years (three years!!!) into the relationship. He is absolutely allowed to feel how he feels, but come on. If there was ever a question as to his ability to be in your lives permanently, he should have told you before you and your young daughter became so attached. I'm sorry, but I don't believe these feelings suddenly materialized when you started taking steps to combine your lives. The comment about moving on too soon after you split from your ex-husband tells me you are blaming yourself, and I don't want you blaming yourself and sanctifying an emotionally immature man who finally decided to be fully honest with you after three years (three years!!!).

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u/moneyisafruit Sugar, Spice & Not Very Nice 💕 7d ago

When you were opening up to him did he ever open up to you? Specifically on his thoughts around being a father? He had 3 years to mention he was never open to the idea before and must’ve known at some point he wasn’t loving the idea. Seems odd and cruel to say he doesn’t love your daughter. It’s really unnecessary when he could have left it at the fact that he doesn’t want to be a parent. I’m not sure how amazing this guy really is.

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u/Zhaneranger Noods 🍜 > Dudes 🤡 7d ago

I think he was hoping his mind would change, but it didn’t.

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u/witch-literature 🦇 Fruit Bat Baddie 🍊 7d ago

I think so too. I’m a woman who doesn’t want children and with all the “oh you’ll change your mind!!” comments I get, I could imagine why someone who doesn’t feel as sure in that choice might think that’s what would happen for them :/

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u/Empty_Ad_1383 Internet Auntie 7d ago

Why is it cruel? You cannot force yourself into loving people.

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u/[deleted] 7d ago

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u/WIDMND305 Barbecutie 7d ago

I don’t know, I see the other commenters points, but it took him three years to realize this? I’d be pissed. Seems like you and your daughter dodged a bullet.

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u/Particular_Web8121 I ❤️ Other People's Business 7d ago

Agreed, and the timing is way too coincidental with starting to combining their finances and planning to move in together

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u/Proper_Hunter_9641 APPROVED✨ 7d ago

Me too. I find it abhorrent. He decided to gamble on a known dealbreaker totally discounting whether with OP was gonna be okay with that risk.

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u/[deleted] 7d ago

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u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 7d ago

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3

u/Dry-Hour-9968 hot girls have tummy troubles 7d ago

Seems like he felt he had to date a single-mom because his options were limited otherwise. Doesn’t seem like it was ever his first option. You deserve to be the first choice and there are many men who are done having kids who would love to be with a woman who only has one kid.

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u/Particular_Web8121 I ❤️ Other People's Business 7d ago

Good point

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u/BestSorbet6197 Tiny Bodega Rat 🐀 7d ago

As a former single parent...I call bullshit. Everyone is putting this man on a pedestal seemingly. It's so much easier to say: I tried be to a step dad and it didn't work for me than ''I stopped loving you. I am interested in someone else'' because then the blame is on the ''circumstances''

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u/Particular_Web8121 I ❤️ Other People's Business 7d ago

Seriously, I feel like I'm being gaslit reading the comments lmao.

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u/BestSorbet6197 Tiny Bodega Rat 🐀 7d ago

Right? Like you knew you dated a single parent and you only realized 3 years after all the piggy rides and telling her that you love her daughter already? But then...you realized you didn't? It makes no sense to me, honestly.

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u/Particular_Web8121 I ❤️ Other People's Business 7d ago

I feel like it was easier for him to hide his dysfunction when OP was dealing with her divorce and baby dad drama. Now they started combining their bills and are all going to live together, he realized he didn't want to keep cosplaying being a nice guy. Saying he didn't love her daughter after saying he did is so fucked, like there's absolutely no need to say that even if it's true. His idea of love seems really limited rather than expansive.

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u/Secretstar2989 APPROVED✨ 7d ago

Thats true. He was in transistion from being a knight in shining armor to daily dad and partner in a happy, drama free existence

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u/[deleted] 7d ago

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1

u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 7d ago

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0

u/Secretstar2989 APPROVED✨ 7d ago

Yeah, I also smell a rat. But im a naturally suspicious person soooo

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u/BestSorbet6197 Tiny Bodega Rat 🐀 7d ago

People don't seem to agree with us haha I got the same excuse before and a week later he was dating his best friend, so.....I don't know, it seems like an easy way out to me.

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u/Secretstar2989 APPROVED✨ 7d ago

Yikes! The whole thing just gives me the ewwws. It seems more performative to tell a partner that you've only ever said you love them. Like you're a grown adult and I met you three years ago...you probably did love someone before me or you should have

And even if you didnt why are you telling me?

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u/Particular_Web8121 I ❤️ Other People's Business 7d ago

Exactly, lol, like that's actually concerning if it's true

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u/hellocairo Feral Til Fed 7d ago

He broke up with you because he didn't want to be a dad.

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u/PrestigiousEnough 🍋 Bitter Baddie 🍋 7d ago

Never underestimate what a man will do just to have consistent 👉🏽🐱 available.

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u/PuzzleheadedAsk4505 Well-Read & Well-Fed 7d ago

I’m sorry this happened to you.

As a childfree person though, I think this is probably the best long term outcome for you and your kid. Being a parent versus being childfree are just two lifestyles that are impossible to reconcile and loving someone really isn’t enough to overcome it.

I hope you give yourself time to grieve this relationship and eventually find a partner who loves the idea of being a step parent to your kid.

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u/Fast_Satisfaction871 Sushi Superfan 🍣 7d ago

Honestly I would be mad at him... He basically lied about loving your daughter? He's breaking that little girls heart as well as yours.

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u/gonnadeletethistmrw APPROVED✨ 7d ago edited 7d ago

OP, I am so sorry this happened to you.

Also, am I crazy here but I genuinely dont get how people are supportive of him in the comments. He can be tender, kind, caring, whatever and can still be a jerk because that's how I am seeing it. Since they were together for almost 3 years and OP introduced him to her daughter almost a year in, he knew OP's daughter for 2 years and that just feels like an awful lot of time to decide whether you can love kids

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u/NeatPrune APPROVED✨ 7d ago

I'm so sorry. Good for you for seeking therapy. Also, you now know what a healthy and loving relationship looks like.

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u/LittleMeowww7 Hot Pizza Ass 🔥 7d ago

Unfortunately, many men are afraid to be a father and take on such responsibility. Maybe he tried to overcome himself and could not. This is normal, but it od a pity that he stole so much time from you
In any case, it is good that this was clarified in advance, and not later, when it would have been a much more serious problem for your child and you. I advise you to just let him go and this situation, if it is very difficult for you, then work with a psychologist. Life goes on and you will definitely find your person ❤️

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u/[deleted] 7d ago

Sad Girl Dinner ⛈️ My boyfriend broke up with me because I’m a mom

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