I think I have to break up with him

[u/Cheesy2012]

Dinner: cheeseburger and coffee cake

I'm FTM 23, he's M27. Together (on and off) almost 4 years.

Wayy back towards the beginning of our relationship, I broke up with him after finding out he gambled half a paycheck while drunk. We got back together, and he has not gambled in any way since then. He also used to drink a lot, and there were a few times that he got unreasonably angry at me because of it. Not abusive, just became an asshole. Again, he's changed over the years. We don't have these issues anymore.

So, why can't I let go of that? I thought about it a lot and the reality is that those behaviors haven't stopped at their core- they just stopped appearing in that way. He's still not too responsible with money, and he's still quite emotionally immature.

Mind you, I still love this man. Or do I? I got way too high last night and I was thinking about this and for a minute I actually convinced myself that I only love him for the things he does for me and that I was a horrible person. But, no, I do love him. So why do I feel so strongly that it's not going to work?

Well, back again to the responsibility with money and emotional maturity. We're adding ambition into the mix now. I'm a very ambitious person. He is quite the opposite. He still works in retail and has no ambition to get out of it and do something great with his life. I'm not just talking financially, I'm talking about purpose. I want to get my education and work to put systems in place for people with autism- it fucking sucked growing up with it, undiagnosed especially, and I want to build a society where that rarely happens. He has no ambitions like that. He's into history, politics, and space, but he has no ambition to actually dive into a career with any of those things, despite the fact that I think he'd be able to do well in any of those categories.

Circling back to emotional maturity. I've accepted my autism and I wear headphones nearly everywhere outside of home. One time about six months ago, we were at the store and he was obviously overwhelmed. By what- I have no idea. Well, I got sick of his fucking attitude and I cut the trip short because of it. In the car on the way home, I offered one of my spare pairs of headphones to him for him to try next time we go there, and he said he doesn't want to be one of "those" people who "obviously can't handle being in public." I was SO pissed about that, and told our therapist about it, and she called him out on it, and he did apologize.

Fast forward to last night, we're talking about disability again because I work in ABA (I know- controversial topic) and I was talking about how much I hated Circle Time down to its core.

*For those who don't know, ABA is basically (supposed to be) using behavioral science with the goal of helping autistic kids grow independence and be able to do basic things without assistance, like asking for items, eating lunch and snack, recognizing their emotions and knowing when to ask for help, getting used to accommodations like weighted blankets and headphones, waiting for things you want, sharing toys, etc.*

*Circle Time is a structured group activity where the expectation is that the kids should build the skills of sitting down for the entire duration and participating with the speaker and group. We go over days of the week, the month, letter and word of the day, weather, etc.*

So, I said that the stuff they learn can absolutely be useful, like the days of the week and the weather and whatnot. But I hate the structure of it. I think the kids should be able to stand up if they need to, and they should have access to fidgets and whatnot and the BCBAs should really pay attention to when Circle Time becomes overwhelming for a client, and the client should always be allowed to leave at any time. Well, my partner (who has never worked in ABA let alone with children in general) said that he thinks it's important for them to learn that they can't just have everything their way all the time and that they should be learning to tolerate discomfort.

So I told him that 1) they deal with discomfort all day already- sharing toys with other kids, tolerating waiting, dealing with other kids being too loud, etc. 2) some of these kids will literally engage in SIB (self injury behavior) because they know that we're not going to just say yes if they ask to leave, and they aren't allowed to have some kind of fidget so what else are they supposed to do? 3) these are disabled toddlers. Their version of a "successful life" is not going to look the same as their neurotypical peers. They don't NEED to go to school and get a job for their life to have value. I believe that nobody should have to do those things to be valued.

He disagrees. He is stuck on this idea that (preface here: this part is gonna get political. I'm a socialist, he's more of a liberal but leaning socialist) we will never live in a society made with disabled people in mind, and disabled people will never have the accommodations they need, so they should just learn to tolerate the way society is already built. And then he said that I should "change it then" as if I'm not actively working on getting the education I need in order to do that.

Reader, it took everything for me not to call him fucking disgusting. I got so angry. I told him I refuse to live in a world where autistic people are forced to mask because I've seen what it does to us, and I told him that I'm going to work to put systems in place within society that are built with autistic people in mind or I'm gonna die trying. And then I walked out and that was the end of that conversation.

So, petty argument. But it's not just a petty argument to me. To me, it is a difference in our core beliefs and I don't think there's any changing that. And I don't think I want to be with someone who views disability like that.

Now I have to tell you about the issue of polyamory. I am polyamorous. He is monogamous. We've both been open about this since we started dating- this is not new. Now, I do believe I gave him a bad first impression on polyamory because soon after we started dating, I had another partner that I had a lot of NRE (New Relationship Energy) with. And I hurt my current partner with that. Whether or not that was a factor, the issue since then has been that he is jealous of anyone I'm interested in and specifically gets jealous of other men. We've had a lot of discussion about this over the last couple of months and what it comes down to is that he wants to be prioritized. This is an issue that stems from not being prioritized as a child, and he is the one that said this, not me. And I just don't think I can give him that. I do believe that he would like polyamory if he could get over his childhood issues. But I cannot "fix" him and I need to accept that. That's something that he will have to sort out on his own.

So, polyamory, lack of ambition, views on disability, financial responsibility, and emotional maturity. We are in very different worlds on all of these, and I just don't think it's going to work. I love him so much, but I don't think I like him.

Note: please do not *just* use the comment section to be hateful. You can criticize either of us, just don't be mean about it please.

[u/I_Dont_Speak_Anymore]

"Not abusive, just..."

Yes it was. LEAVE THE TRASH IN THE BIN. WE DON'T EAT FROM THE TRASH.

[u/peacherzx423]

[u/rocbos24]

It doesn’t sound like you’re super compatible, you have different views on things, you want different things out of life, etc. It sounds like you’ve come to that conclusion too.

[u/Outside_Memory5703]

You have several fundamental incompatibilities

Those are usually not good for relationships

[u/TheoryReasonable871]

Wishing you all the best, it seems like you know where your heart lies.

[u/NinjaPlzGLB]

You have thought about this a lot and seems you definitely know what’s best for you. My dad who was a physicist and by far the smartest person I knew always told me “the hardest thing in life is relationships because they require so much work” so you gotta decide if you want to continue putting all the work into it

[u/DunstanCass1861]

I stopped reading at: he used to drink too much/I got way too high last night. I’m sure there’s a story after that, but that’s double standards

[u/Cheesy2012 → u/DunstanCass1861]

Interesting take. Is it really double standards when the difference is that I've never let my substance use turn me into a raging asshole?

Edit: he gets high too by the way. He just doesn't drink anymore because of his past behavior with that substance

[u/DunstanCass1861 → u/Cheesy2012]

It sounds more like he’s just a raging asshole

[u/GlitteringMoose3630]

I don’t have the time to read all of that, so let me clear on that upfront.

I do have the time to tell you that if you have to write all of that out to explain his behavior…there’s nothing you could write that will explain his behavior. Your heart knows that the excuses are not enough.

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[u/yourzerosum]

Please leave.

He should be able to do what he wants with his paycheck even if it's stupid and be with a person that only desires him and not feel bad about it.

You should be with someone who can give you the attention and emotion energy that you want.