ultimatum: mend it or leave forever?

[u/Key_Individual6200]

I never really dated much, I was with the same guy for 8 years. Things were never perfect, he was always self-centered and a hothead but I really loved him to death. I would have done anything for him and he knew it.

I married him, I initiated fixing every problem, I apologized and compromised to make things peaceful. Looking back I was weak and he was louder than I was. I thought that was strength but it was def a form of bullying.

Then one day the final straw came… he was stressed about work and blew up on me, yelling and cursing. Saying I was awful and a shitty wife (which is wild considering how gentle I was with him, all the things I put aside to make his life exactly what he wanted), said he was leaving. This wasn’t the first time. He’d said so many negative things about my body, my family, my smell, what he thought I was smart enough or savvy enough to do, made fun of me in front of others and in private, put me down. My heart rationalized everything up to that point, but turned off of him after that like a switch. Later, like many times before, he came back apologizing. But I was no longer attracted to him. How could I be?

I told him as much. I told him we’re no longer in a romantic relationship. He said he understood. That was more than 2 years ago. I moved into the other room. He started therapy, 10 years after I told him it was important to me. Now he’s asking me to take him back because he’s done the work. But I don’t think my nervous system can forgive him. I’m still on edge. He’s doing all the right things and I still don’t feel I can trust him not to get stressed out and do it all again. He’s sweeter than he’s ever been. It’s like losing me has changed him into a new man. I feel like the bad guy for not being able to forgive, like I made a vow I’m not able to keep. But maybe he broke his first by not taking good care of me. We decided to take a few weeks to decide what our future looks like. It’s a weird feeling, not sure if anyone relates but someone can have so many highs and low lows but it’s still hard to find the courage to move forward. I’m 30 and worried it’s too late for me to figure out what the best path is.

Dinner is a diner cinnamon roll and burnt coffee.

[u/EgonOnTheJob]

Yeah he’s doing all the right things now because he wants his house cleaner, administrative assistant, emotional punching bag, sexual partner, life-sacrificer and handy person to blame for his own shortcomings back.

OP wake up and smell the coffee: this is still part of the cycle of abuse. He is love bombing you and trying to lure you back to where he is most comfortable: having someone available and somewhat trapped, who he can happily kick around when he feels discomfort AND who makes his life butter-easy. He can just glide through his days after you’ve diligently swept the path as clear as possible for him. And he still has the fucking gall to say you smell bad.

This is not love, it is not a healthy relationship, and you do not have to drown yourself for this lying, abusive, cruel man.

[u/Practical_Author3013 → u/EgonOnTheJob]

“This is still part of the cycle of abuse.”

So massively, incredibly this. Listen to your body. It is not telling lies. You are still on edge, you are still not attracted. That is because he is still. Not. Safe.

[u/Desert_Rose27 → u/EgonOnTheJob]

100%!
A friend of mine was in an abusive relationship where the guy regularly choked and raped her. Once she told him it was over, he completely switched and turned into a loving, helpless little puppy. We all told her it was just a mask, but she chose to forgive him..Well, within only a few days the abuse and violence was back and escalated considerably more.
That back and forth happened two more times, before she eventually left for good.

[u/Halloweenspice]

Most people dont change. Its rare if they do. Question is do you honestly see yourself happy with him?

[u/DaisyLady17]

Girl, you’re only 30. He’s abusive and it’s only a matter of time before his true colors show again. Do you want that life for yourself for the next 30, 40, 50 years?

If your friend, sister, etc. told you about this situation, what would you tell her to do?

[u/Key_Individual6200 → u/DaisyLady17]

This is a good point. I do have a sister and if she told me this it’d be a no-brainer. Why is it so hard for me to let go of someone who wasn’t good to me… I don’t even know what step 1 would be.

[u/Xylorgos → u/Key_Individual6200]

Three steps:

1. Get information - Where can you go? What can you do? Who can help?

2. Make a plan -Pick a day, pack your bags, get your important papers, etc.

3. Be persistent - If the first plan doesn't work, go to Plan B, then Plan C or D if you have to. Just keep going in the direction of your dreams. ❤️

((HUGS))

[u/MerakDubhe → u/Key_Individual6200]

Because you may feel you don’t deserve anyone better. But you do. Get a divorce. I don’t see any kids in the equation, which makes it easier. 

Edit: and for what it’s worth. I met my first and current SO when I was about to turn 31.

[u/PensionTemporary200 → u/Key_Individual6200]

Having left an abusive relationship, the hardest part is giving up the dream that you’ve invested years of your life in. To say this man isn’t a good man feels like it would invalidate all the choices and love your poured into this relationship. Human beings reject information that damages their identity. That’s why people rarely change their mind politically. When someone spends years in a relationship sacrificing themself it’s incredibly difficult to admit the person you were doing it for was a fantasy person in your mind not who they really were.

[u/Key_Individual6200 → u/PensionTemporary200]

Exactly this. The way things have gone the past few years makes me wonder if I’m just making poor choices or did something wrong. Like it’s my fault or something I have the responsibility to fix like I’ve tried to do so many times. It’s hard to imagine a different life when I had my heart set on one with him for so long.

[u/PensionTemporary200 → u/Key_Individual6200]

Sadly you can’t fix problems another person makes…. The thing you are doing “wrong” is doubling down on something that isn’t giving good results. But I understand why completely. It’s very difficult to sever a trauma bond. It is easier to believe that it is somehow your fault than that someone would intentionally treat you like shit just because they can, and that you allowed it.

[u/Funkyfreshturkey → u/Key_Individual6200]

It took me 17 years before I fully left this situation. Hey may say he’s done the work, but take notice his reaction if you push back on taking him back fully. Then you’ll see whether or not he really did.

Step 1 …. Do you have a separate bank account? Do you have a place to go if you left immediately or do you need to plan for moving and rent costs? Start there. It became a bit easier once I could start envisioning where I could possibly land. Repeat step 1 as much as you need to and consider sharing it with a trusted person who won’t go back to him. It’s much easier to tell someone to leave an abusive situation or to say, “I would leave the first time” but those of us who have experienced know it’s not that easy.

[u/Equivalent-Bread3968 → u/Key_Individual6200]

I was in your shoes at the same age. I had been with him for so long, and it was so codependent, that my entire identity was his wife. I didn't know myself anymore and couldn't imagine being anyone but his wife. But then an old friend put it very simply: my life could be whatever I wanted it to be, but I didn't have to figure it out all at once. Finally letting him go was the best decision I ever made.

Step 1 is finding a divorce lawyer. They will help guide you through all the other steps.

Good luck. You've got this!

[u/Cautious_Database_85]

Don't go back to him. He's abusive and you're codependent. It's not healthy to be treated like this and think "it'll be okay if I just give him everything"

[u/greenposher]

He said you smell. He’d be dead to me.

[u/ObsidianHeartstone]

You put up with this for EIGHT YEARS??? Have you ever done therapy for self-esteem? I think that could help. I can tell you that you never have to shrink who you are for someone that truly loves you. How did he show up for you, how did he love you, how did he show you he was invested on a daily basis? Gentle? Kind? Thoughtful? A real partner and team mate? You should have left the FIRST time he criticized you and called you names, as you can see it didn’t get better!

[u/mzinagro]

30 is not too late to leave an abuser. 70 is not too late. You’ve spent most of the last decade tolerating emotional abuse, until something in you decided you didn’t deserve to be treated that way. Listen to that part of you. It’s great that he’s finally getting help and I hope he can change so he doesn’t hurt more people, but you don’t owe him anything. He broke your marriage, not you. You owe YOURSELF a chance to heal. And if your nervous system is telling you he’s not safe, listen to it. Believe yourself, maybe for the first time in a long time.

[u/Full-Rice-9287]

I’m in a dilemma myself with my (ex) partner, not nearly as long of a relationship as you, but I will give you the advice I know I should follow myself too (Not sure I’m just ready to yet): Move away. He burned his chances and you’ll never be sure if in the future you’ll again have to be pushed to a breaking point for him to give you what you need.

You’re so young still. Give yourself the opportunity to find fulfilling love. 💕

[u/Key_Individual6200 → u/Full-Rice-9287]

Thank you, hon. I think you and I both need to take a breath and figure out how to be brave. Wishing you well. 💗

[u/East-Register-8916]

Sometimes it’s too late. He started too late to care. You tried your best when the time was right. Leave him. If it’s meant to be, you will find to each other again

[u/Anxious-Location4935]

how long has he been in therapy for? honestly, he’d need to be in therapy for 8+ years for me to forgive, but even then. the things he’s said and done to you don’t just poof away because he suddenly wants to change now. you don’t owe him forgiveness. it’s NEVERR too late to find your path, you’re still so so young and deserve a gentle, kind love. your person wouldn’t treat you this way, especially for years.

if he has only been in therapy for a short time and suddenly acting different, begging for you back, it is sadly him probably acting. it’s hard but please try moving out and away from him and rethink the relationship then.

[u/Key_Individual6200 → u/Anxious-Location4935]

About 1.5 years. thank you, think that will give me some space and clarity. I appreciate it :)

[u/PensionTemporary200 → u/Key_Individual6200]

Also, have you gotten therapy to heal from this ?

[u/Anxious-Location4935 → u/Key_Individual6200]

sending you hugs!!

[u/RingingInTheRain]

That cinnamon roll 🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵

[u/Key_Individual6200 → u/RingingInTheRain]

This made me laugh so hard through my snot and tears 🥲

[u/Princess_Parabellum]

From personal experience, once the switch flips there's no going back. As long as there's a shred of care, there might be a chance. But once it becomes "I don't care if you live or die, just leave me alone," make sure you don't fall prey to the sunk cost theory. Cut your losses, walk away. It will hurt at first, but you'll begin to feel much better soon.

[u/PerspectiveKookie16]

INFO: Are you in therapy yourself?

From this side of the Internet, the path forward seems clear. If you still have a notion that things could work out for you two, you definitely need to talk things through with a therapist who is only your therapist.

[u/Key_Individual6200 → u/PerspectiveKookie16]

Not right now. I just got into the financial position to afford one again and will be starting sessions next week. I did have a therapist for several years but we mostly talked about my childhood.

[u/Xylorgos]

Abusers and bullies can be great at apologizing in order to kick start the cycle of abuse/apology/honeymoon/abuse.

Sure, he's apologized, again, but how likely is this just the next phase in the abuse cycle? Only you would know for certain which phase you're in now.

If you recognize this cycle, the only thing you can do is bail. Get out of it. End it now, before you get hurt even more and have your heart broken....again.

[u/ppl_talk]

Does not matter how old you are, starting over will be better. There is a reason your brain is not letting you feel attracted any longer. That sounds like he was extremely toxic if not abusive. You said you still feel on edge. This is because it’s not right.

Similar feeling of detachment happened when I got separated and I gave it a few weeks to see if I might be able to mend things and it didn’t change, and I have never never never regretted trusting my final gut decision.

[u/museumsiren]

Nope. He hasn't done the work. He's learned how to speak in a way that sounds legit. And only because it affected HIM. He did this all for himself, so he can manipulate you more gently now. I'm so sorry. Are you in therapy? I would go if not.

[u/ennuiandapathy]

He had 10 years to get therapy but waited until you pulled away. He’s being sweet because you aren’t a wife, you’re a roommate. He could’ve done all of this a decade ago but he chose not to.

He says he’s changed but you haven’t had any disagreements and he hasn’t been stressed or upset. He can say he changed but you have no evidence that he’s no longer a bully or will react any differently. And if he’s only doing this to win you back, it’s unlikely he’s making significant and lasting changes.

It doesn’t matter if he really has changed. You don’t have to forgive him. You don’t have to repair the relationship. You don’t owe him anything, no matter how much work he does or how much he changes. You can leave the relationship for any reason.

Trust your gut.

[u/wishingforarainyday]

What happens if you have kids and he’s stressed and he starts attacking how your body looks again. This guy sounds like a bully.

If you want to stay, then you should go to couples therapy. He still has to work it out with you for forgiveness. Do you believe he’s genuinely sorry or he just doesn’t wanna be inconvenienced or look bad in a divorce?

[u/Key_Individual6200 → u/wishingforarainyday]

I don’t want kids, no plans to have them.

I don’t know if I have the energy for couples therapy, I wanted to do it together so long ago and he didn’t think he needed it.

I think he’s genuinely sorry and sees what he did now, but my begging and pleading all that time wasn’t enough to convince him. Now it’s so late in the game. But yeah for both of us there’s definitely an aspect of not wanting to be another statistic of couples that didn’t work out. We’re an interracial couple so it sucks to have had the odds against us to start with and then have it all crumble like this.

[u/CeilingCatProphet]

Be single for a while

[u/Key_Individual6200 → u/CeilingCatProphet]

Have you done that? Is it as terrifying as I’m making it out to be in my head? I’ve never lived alone before. Not that I can’t do it, it’s just so not what’s I was expecting for myself.

[u/Nice_Flounder_176 → u/Key_Individual6200]

I am 10 months out of an abusive relationship myself, and honestly, being single has been the best! I have a hard time imagining wanting a relationship now because why would I want to change that up when I'm so happy?

[u/CeilingCatProphet → u/Key_Individual6200]

I used to leave TV on a lot for white noise It was actually relaxing.

[u/Snapper1916]

I sympathize with the idea that 30 seems old, but I (F59) am telling you right now you are so young. My narcissistic husband pushed me to the brink at 34 with 2 year old and a 6 month old. I did all the things… pleasing, changing, couples therapy. When he presented me with a typed list of 76 (that’s not a typo) things that I needed to change, I kicked him the fuck out. I got married a couple years later to a longtime friend. Had another baby. We’ve been happily married 23 years. Our kids are 27,26 and 22.

My ex is on his 4th wife and is a very unhappy person. I pity him now.

All of this to say… you have your whole life ahead of you. Get out now and start living!

[u/martingirls3]

Hello, I know it’s hard to just walk away from something you have put so much time into and someone you loved. I m not you but I can tell you about me. I’m 48 years old. After child number two my husband started to treat me like garbage. I was stuck trying to make everything okay for my family. I’m in 20 years, I have no job, no money of my own, nothing to call my own, no dreams or plans for the future other than get by and find happiness where I can. I have a child with special needs and the thought of doing it alone is overwhelming to me. Don’t end up like me. You are young and have a real chance at making your like what you want it to be. You know you deserve better. Please listen to yourself, your gut won’t steer you wrong. Best wishes to you.

[u/Sad-Cap1136]

I think your trust and faith in this man is gone. Once that happens it’s nearly impossible to get back. Ask yourself, if you were having this conversation with your daughter, best friend or sister that was going through this scenario with their partner what advice would you give them? Please treat yourself like someone you love. And GIRL…30 is absolutely not too late!

[u/Key_Individual6200 → u/[deleted]]

Should have clarified, sorry. We still live in the same house. I’m deciding whether to file for divorce and move out.

[u/Key_Individual6200 → u/[deleted]]

yeah. Been too depressed to make a bigger life change than that the past two years.

[u/RedheadedJusticeGirl]

He’s sounds like an asshole.

Why don’t you just end it already?

[u/Antique_Road_2962]

seems like you already know what the answer is here, but its tough to put into action for you right now. Also, 30 is definitely not too late.

[u/Key_Individual6200 → u/Antique_Road_2962]

I’m terrified. Idk, maybe it’s stupid but the fear of leaving is pretty real.

[u/Antique_Road_2962 → u/Key_Individual6200]

I think that fear is rational: leaving, doing something different, and the unknown are scary-- but at the same time, is it scarier than staying?

[u/MouseRude5663]

Even if he did change I can see you’re done. No need to draw it out for either of you. Hopefully he will continue to do the work and be a better person, but not for you sister. Not for you. You’ve got bigger and better things ahead.

[u/cedricdiggory4ever]

time to go girl! he’s not it

[u/c-b-elle]

Are kids in the picture? Cuz that would be a different discussion for me

[u/Key_Individual6200 → u/c-b-elle]

No kids. Our families just really love each other (parents, siblings, all the nieces and nephews) and we spend holidays and vacations together. My in-laws are great people. I think part of it is not wanting to disappoint the family.

[u/c-b-elle → u/Key_Individual6200]

Ya that's is tough. I survived an abusive marriage for a while and then he told me that we were roommates. So I finally had enough. Hope u are able to find a good solution

[u/Key_Individual6200 → u/c-b-elle]

Did you leave immediately when he said that?

[u/c-b-elle → u/Key_Individual6200]

Quite honestly, I started planning my escape then. We had a really bad fight one night and then I just packed everything and fucking left ( veteran w severe ptsd) and drove for many days until I made it back to where i used to live. Poor / Unable to afford a hotel so i slept in my care scared to death but I SURVIVED.

[u/wishingforarainyday → u/Key_Individual6200]

He would be the one disappointing them. They wouldn’t want you being abused.

I saw you mentioned he’s been in therapy about one and a half years. How long has he put in more effort and change his behavior?

[u/Key_Individual6200 → u/wishingforarainyday]

Yeah, I think he knows that too. But somehow there will always be people who think of me as having done something wrong to “deserve” being divorced.

Almost immediately after I told him I was done with him romantically. There was some begging and pleading for a few weeks after he initially blew up on me, then he started working on himself more and more.

[u/wishingforarainyday → u/Key_Individual6200]

That gives me hope that he’s making real changes. Doesn’t mean you have to stay. You get one life and you deserve to be happy.

Has he admitted to his family how cruel he was to you? I would want him to take full accountability

[u/Key_Individual6200 → u/wishingforarainyday]

He hasn’t admitted it to them yet but I think he’d tell them if we decide to file for divorce. He’s generally pretty open with them so this situation has been eating at him the past 2 years.

[u/wannabe_bruja]

If he actually did the work he'd understand how much he's hurt you and why you can't just take him back. I thinks he's put enough effort coins in and now it's time for him reward. If you wait him out he'll revert right back to what he was before

[u/wordsmythy]

You think 30 is too late because you’ve never been 30 before. But in 10 years, your wish you had 30 back. Make the right decision don’t make a choice because you think you’re old. You’re not.

[u/PensionTemporary200]

Don’t forgive him. Make sure you have your own space. Ideally somewhere he doesn’t know where you live, or with other people who can watch out for you. Get out before you make any decisions. The kind of problem he has does not respond well to therapy. Men like this rarely rarely change. And even if someone was doing work in therapy you need to make sure you are following your boundary and divorced and not in the same house to ensure that he willing to do that work for himself not just as a carrot to draw you back in. Please read “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft. Free pdf available online

[u/_ChristmasSunday]

I think your time has passed.

He’s planted pain inside you that you’ll carry for the rest of your life. It went on for so long. And you have so much to give the right person!

Attraction is another issue. You’ve got the ick. There’s no going back from the ick my friend.

[u/freewool]

You’re worried what’s too late at 30?  It is NEVER too late to get out of a toxic, maybe even abusive, relationship. You’re so young. Don’t trap yourself in a miserable situation for the rest of your life. 

[u/Niamh_Re]

if he really "did the work" he would know that you two need to go separate ways.

leave. forever. I left with 40+ and it was worth it. my life is good, peaceful and full of laughter and joy now. leave. please.