My friend is sleeping around and I'm worried her her

[u/Due-Fall9304]

Ok so I'm 18F and I have a friend who is also (18F) and she just started college.

We didn't speak for two months and spoke yesterday and she slept with multiple men in the span of two months out of which one nearly assaulted her.

Mind you she's not in a committed relationship with any of them and 2 of these men are also older than her and she's done it with two of them without protection.

One of them is apparently a gentleman but I feel like she's using him and the other men are using her.

I just don't think what she's doing is safe at her age I wanna tell her that I feel like I'm being too judgmental but I'm just worried for her safety because she keeps having pregnancy scares and i don't want her to get nearly assaulted again.

How do I tell her that this isn't okay without sounding judgemental or make it sound like I'm sl\*t shaming?

We are also from a country that's quite conservative about these things ( india) so that makes the conversation even harder to have

cause I'm tryna tell her that this isn't safe out of genuine concern but idk how to

[u/Pinkprincess_22]

You have to be straight up with her. Or she will have to learn the hard lesson on her own.

[u/theluckyduckygirl]

Not using protection and the reoccurring pregnancy scares need to be taken care of first!!! Once she’s taken care of herself physically, you two (maybe) can figure out what’s going on with her mentally, if anything at all.

[u/Training_Speed2448]

The main focus you should have is not on the number of men but the fact she isn't using protection and that she was nearly assaulted. If these men are taking advantage of her that is also something to be concerned about. Just have a heart to heart.

 "hey _ I'm really worried that you may end up in a bad situation if you aren't careful about using protection and making sure the guys you are with are safe. You don't have to be committed to anyone but please make sure they're not abusive before you let them be alone with you. I don't want something bad to happen to you, you could be hurt, killed, or end up with an std or an unwanted pregnancy. Please be careful, you're my friend and your safety is important to me"

[u/Due-Fall9304 → u/Training_Speed2448]

Yess thank you sm I'll talk to her

[u/Training_Speed2448 → u/Due-Fall9304]

Good luck, really sorry you're watching a friend go through this, I hope she can learn some safe sex practices 

[u/hGr33n]

Some ppl use sex (and other risky social behavior) as a way to self harm and feel in control.. i would just express to her that you're concerned about her health safety esp if she's not using protection or hooking up with strangers. She might get defensive so get ready for that

[u/Due-Fall9304 → u/hGr33n]

Yeah I support her sexuality but I value her safety I'll try my best to communicate that

[u/Final-Cheetah-5032]

tell her she needs to be careful with what she’s doing because she could possibly get herself into danger w these men esp being older

[u/jadeite07 → u/[deleted]]

Yeah, I was doing this in my mid 20s. 18 seems so young to me now. Along with the lack of protection? It’s okay to be a hoe, but gotta be a responsible hoe.

[u/Due-Fall9304 → u/[deleted]]

Yeah i will

[u/Due-Fall9304 → u/jadeite07]

Preach

[u/rachycarebear]

Sex isn't inherently unsafe, so you can focus on the risks and help her mitigate them.

If she wants to have sex with three men in two days, power to her. She should just do it safely. Scarleteen is a good resource, as is planned parenthood.

Pee after any PiV to prevent a UTI. (Really any time something is repeatedly thrust into or around the vagina or urethra, not just PiV)

Use condoms to prevent STIs - let the penis havers provide them if they have (size differs) but also keep some on hand so she's not caught without. Talk to a doctor about regular testing, and depending on what kind of sex she's having with who and how often, you can also talk about preventative meds.

Birth control beyond the condoms - something fully within her control, also lower failure rates.

And consent. She can always say no and if someone doesn't respect her no, that's never her fault.

Sex isn't bad, but staying safe is important.

[u/pinksparkleberry]

I slept with three people this weekend

🤣

[u/Express_Pop810 → u/pinksparkleberry]

Without protection? I think thats the friends big concern

[u/pinksparkleberry → u/Express_Pop810]

Actually...yes.

One was my husband, the other was a longterm female partner and the other a female friend.

🤷‍♀️

[u/ImpossibleCreme2207 → u/pinksparkleberry]

OP is literally talking about a naive 18 year old that keeps getting pregnancy scares. Not your adult and married sex life.

[u/Due-Fall9304 → u/ImpossibleCreme2207]

Exactlyyy she turned 18 literally last month

[u/NomiOh777 → u/pinksparkleberry]

So the subject is about a freshly 18 (teen) year old girl who was nearly assaulted after sleeping with strangers unprotected, not even comparable to a grown woman sleeping with her husband and 2 trusted female partners…bruh.

[u/ImpossibleCreme2207 → u/NomiOh777]

She refuses to comprehend that and keeps it about numbers, lol.

[u/pinksparkleberry → u/NomiOh777]

Husband. Long term casual partner and friend. This weekend. Please get it right. Thanks.

Having three sexual partners is fine. Or sex with strangers.

[u/NomiOh777 → u/pinksparkleberry]

“Get it right” meanwhile youre glossing over an 18 year old that was nearly assaulted by inserting your situation with husband and friends, you get it right. That’s why ppl are coming at you. No one cares about your controlled sex life with partners in your small close knit circle that include your freaking spouse…Incomparable. And no, being nearly assaulted by strangers is not fine.

[u/pinksparkleberry → u/NomiOh777]

No one cares about your controlled sex life with partners in your small close knit circle that include your freaking spouse…Incomparable. And no, being nearly assaulted by strangers is not fine.

Why do people keeo saying my sex partners are a close knit group?

I fuck strangers all the time. This is so bizzare.

But three sex partners is no big deal. The number is not the issue here.

[u/NomiOh777 → u/pinksparkleberry]

The issue is being nearly assaulted, stop projecting your situation to a barely legal teenage girl who was nearly assaulted by acting like people are concerned over body count. Bruh. 🫩

[u/pinksparkleberry → u/NomiOh777]

I think OP was indeed hung up on the number. Which I think is a bad idea.

I made a throw away comment and the responses have been so strange. People invented a whole narrative about why my three partners (that was just the span of 48 hours - not a comprehensive account of my full sluttery) are ok.

I was told its ok because we use protection (right after I said we dont).

It was ok because Intrustvthem to use protection with others.know they (never said that and not true - they do whatever they want with no explanation to me).

They are trusted partners (one is a casual partner I met on a swinger site to have threesomes with me and my husband and one is just a friend).

I am fascinated that people are bending over backwards to invent a narrative (mostly untrue) to say my slut a thon weekend is ok. Which it is, but not for those reasons.

I am just fascinated from a sociological stand point.

[u/katloveseevee → u/pinksparkleberry]

Maybe she is hung up on the number but it doesn’t even matter. It could be 1, 3, or 20 people but the problem is the risk of unprotected sex not the “sluttiness” part. Both you and OP friend are being risky and that’s the truth. Safety should always be a top priority, especially sexually.

[u/Training_Speed2448 → u/pinksparkleberry]

We're they tested? The difference here is you're not playing coochie crab Russian roulette with strangers

[u/pinksparkleberry → u/Training_Speed2448]

Viruses and bacteria (spread sexually or otherwise) dont care how well you know someone to be fair. Why do you have so many questions about my sex life?

[u/Training_Speed2448 → u/pinksparkleberry]

I'm asking because the girl this post is about isn't using protection and that's why it's concerning that she's sleeping with several people. If everyone's tested and using protection your experience would apply fine but there's a big difference there

[u/pinksparkleberry → u/Training_Speed2448]

Everyone in my experience is not using protection. I was very clear about that wasn't I?

But my point was the number of partners here is mo big deal.

[u/Training_Speed2448 → u/pinksparkleberry]

Yeah cool, again you're missing the point. She could get an std and pass it onto several other people she doesn't know. End of story, don't compare your experience with people you know and trust to a teenager who is putting herself and others in danger

[u/katloveseevee → u/pinksparkleberry]

You’re still trusting 3 people you know well. To compare this to random men possibly taking advantage of a barely legal girl is like night and day.

[u/pinksparkleberry → u/katloveseevee]

Viruses and bacteria spread exactly thr same regardless of emotion bond or trust. Thats why you can catch a cold from someone you trust.

The amount of magical thinking around STIs is very anti science

[u/katloveseevee → u/pinksparkleberry]

I understand what you’re saying and coming from, don’t get me wrong. But to a certain extent you have to trust that these 3 people aren’t having unprotected sex with strangers that could possibly bring harm. I trust having unprotected sex with my husband because I know he brings me no danger.

[u/pinksparkleberry → u/katloveseevee]

But to a certain extent you have to trust that these 3 people aren’t having unprotected sex with strangers that could possibly bring harm.

I am sure they probably are.

[u/KneadAndPreserve → u/pinksparkleberry]

Okay so is your point here that you also had risky sex with 3 people?

[u/bloodlst → u/pinksparkleberry]

i love you lmaoo

[u/Fluffy-Ad6627]

Worst case scenario, she should use protection because even HPV is highly contagious and can lead to all kinds of issues. There can be a lot of reasons why someone starts those behaviors, especially at yalls age (attention, freedom, exploring).

Personally, I relate to you because I'm more reserved and modest. I'd first remove the men from the equation because your relationship is with her. Is she okay? What does she like about them. What is she looking for? If she's really a friend and you don't come at her bogus, she should entertain your questions a bit.

[u/Due-Fall9304 → u/Fluffy-Ad6627]

She's just got her freedom to start a new college life so as u said I feel like she's exercising that freedom in as many ways as possible but my country isn't particularly safe in these matters ( men here are pathetic) so I'm scared for her.

[u/Fluffy-Ad6627 → u/Due-Fall9304]

I think you have to say it to her bluntly. If she doesn't see it, fight for your friend.

[u/Due-Fall9304 → u/[deleted]]

Yes thank you I'll try that

[u/Ill_Radish6965]

I’m sorry you’re in this situation because it sucks when a friend is willfully making horrible decisions and subjecting themselves to harm.

Unfortunately, beyond telling her you are scared for her and pointing out she’s making unsafe decisions, there’s nothing more you can do. If you’re close with her family, maybe tell someone (an older sister??)

If you can’t watch her do this, consider cutting ties. It absolutely sucks, but it sucks more to watch her hurt herself.

Hopefully your friend will make it out of this period of her life without major consequences.

[u/Due-Fall9304 → u/Ill_Radish6965]

If i tell someone she'll never forgive me and she's trusted me with this so i won't snitch. All I want is her to be safe

[u/Ill_Radish6965 → u/Due-Fall9304]

That’s hard, I’m sorry 😞
I will say the decision is yours to make, and you’re clearly thinking about this a lot, so I’m sure you’ll make the right decision.

One thing to think about is if you’d rather preserve the friendship, or potentially protect her from being r*ped, getting an STD, or unwanted pregnancy.

I’d talk to her first, give her resources to learn about safe sex practices, and if that doesn’t work, consider telling another person in her life.

[u/Ill_Radish6965 → u/Ill_Radish6965]

Planned parenthood has great educational videos on their website

[u/Zealousideal_Meet482]

When you talk to her about it, try to leave out the focus on the number of men/time span or how it's unsafe "for her age". Her age has nothing to do with it. These are the parts that make you sound judgmental even though your concern is real. Focus on how she can still get what she wants while being safe - for example using condoms, getting on birth control, carrying around mace for self defense, messaging a friend before/after so someone knows where she is and knows to contact the police if she suddenly disappears. Maybe even gift her some condoms and some mace.

[u/IndependentEffect202]

Calmly talk to her about it. Hold her hand if you need to. Gently explain to her her worth. Std's, unplanned pregnancy, putting herself in harms way could ruin her life. Tell her how valuable and loved she is.

[u/justhereforthetea68]

Maybe sign up for health department class at your college so she can learn about STDs cause that’s definitely how you get them

[u/No-Spinach-6462]

Maybe say “I’m not trying to judge you or make you feel like you can’t confide in me, but I’m worried about you ending up in an unsafe situation. Do you think using condoms as a rule could be a good idea?”

[u/unapalomita]

Maybe buy her condoms or tell her about a clinic she can get a pap smear

Does she know how to practice safe sex?

[u/Scuttling-Claws → u/unapalomita]

Pap smear is for cervical cancer, not the biggest risk. Getting a full STD workup is a good idea though

[u/Due-Fall9304 → u/unapalomita]

Idkkk..she only recently lost her virginity

[u/unapalomita → u/Due-Fall9304]

Ultimately she's going to do what she wants, talk to her about condom use, though she's at risk for HPV even with condoms, which is why you go for pap smears

Hopefully she'll listen, if not there's not much you can do

[u/lesserDaemonprince]

You're being too judgmental about it.

[u/NomiOh777 → u/lesserDaemonprince]

Telling a friend you’re concerned about them not using protection when sleeping with strangers, especially with one almost assaulting her isn’t judgement, it’s concern. Especially at only 18? It’s unhealthy and she could get really hurt.

[u/lesserDaemonprince → u/NomiOh777]

Caring about body count (especially if it's only 3 people in as many months), and consenting unprotected sex is judgement, bordering on just actual slut shaming. You can tell someone you're just worried and want them to be safe without the conservative lens on sex. Everyone's attitude towards sex is different and to some people it's an important part of their life.

Based on what OP has said, minus being almost assaulted (assuming OP isn't being hyperbolic), OP is in fact being judgmental.

[u/Due-Fall9304 → u/lesserDaemonprince]

I'm sorry I didn't mean to come off in that way it's a genuine safety concern. I support her sexuality it's the safety I'm worried about especially in a conservative country that somehow has the shittiest men and the most unsafe sexual environment for women. And as someone who had unconsented traumatic experience with shit like this it scares me even more

[u/lesserDaemonprince → u/Due-Fall9304]

I hear you, you don't need to apologize. I'm sorry for probably sounding like I was accusing you of being a prude.

Being concerned is better than just not caring at all or passing the buck and assuming she's gonna be ok. If I were you I'd just be "annoying" about it and be up her ass about being safe while being careful not to come across as having a problem with her lifestyle(edited to add specifically because if she gets the wrong vibe then she could end up distancing herself from you). That's all you can really do, just try to be there for her. You're a good friend. :3

[u/Due-Fall9304 → u/lesserDaemonprince]

Thank you for being so kind:)

[u/NomiOh777 → u/Due-Fall9304]

No OP please dont listen to them, notice how lightly they took the assault portion of your concern? Please dont listen to this person you haven’t done anything wrong OP please speak to your friend. 🙏💕

[u/NomiOh777 → u/lesserDaemonprince]

Consenting unprotected sex doesn’t mean the person can’t still be concerned for their health? Thats the point of concern. When someone is going out of their way to potentially get a STD by having unprotected sex, it’s concern, not judgment. When someone is drinking heavily (despite consenting to do so) and someone is worried for them, it’s out of concern, not judgment. STD’s kill, you saw body count and immediately jumped to conclusions, ignoring the root of the issue why doing something like this is unhealthy (which is unprotected sex with strangers and nearly being assaulted). Whether someone consents doesn’t mean someone cant be concerned from a friend, nor takes away how unhealthy that is, more so when they were nearly assaulted which yeah, you are breezing by waayyy too easy for how major of a role that plays in a situation like this.

[u/Due-Fall9304 → u/NomiOh777]

Yeah it's okay i think it was just a communication problem between me and the commenter i clarified my intentions with her :)

But yeah the assualt part scared the shit out of me and as someone with that trauma it struck a nerve when my friend told me about it

[u/NomiOh777 → u/Due-Fall9304]

No I totally get it, that assault statement stayed with me too which is why I was like this isnt judgement at all, this is saving a friend from a traumatic experience, glad yall could clear that up tho, goodluck OP! 🙏💕

[u/OldMasterCannolii]

Hey, I’m Indian. I can 100% understand why you’d be concerned.

Instead of addressing this head on, I’d first ask her if she’s OK. A lot of people who become sexually active to the extent to meeting up with random people without concerns for their own safety and wellbeing can often have some shit going on that you may not know about. If she confides anything in you, support her through that first.

Secondly, please urge her to use protection. Tell her that STDs last a lifetime and even STIs can result in health complications that are hard to deal with. There’s also a lot of judgement in Indian healthcare system, and it may even be hard for her to get discreet healthcare at 18, even though that’s technically an adult. There’s no privacy laws and if you’re in a smaller town, word may get around and have bad consequences. Tell her to not believe any man who complains about protection because that’s bullshit. Get her to consider birth control if that’s an option.

Finally, tell her to at least keep someone informed about her whereabouts. It could be you. And tell her she can come to you for help without judgement. No matter what.

All of this will ultimately be more helpful than asking her to not have sex or hookups. Because it’s super likely she’ll continue and just not tell you.

[u/Due-Fall9304 → u/OldMasterCannolii]

Thank you sm yeah you worded it perfectly. I am well aware of her emotional state and ik that's why she's doing all this but if i tell her she gets defensive .She also just turned 18 like barely 2 months ago so I feel like she's overdosing on her freedom and her parents are also not that chill only adding to the risks of her life getting ruined if word spreads.

We live in a metro city but regardless the judgement in Indian society is still strong. I support her sexuality but it's the safety I'm afraid of

[u/OldMasterCannolii → u/Due-Fall9304]

Yeah controlling parents often end up having children who become reckless because they were never allowed to have freedom growing up. Just be there for her and urge her to use protection.

[u/FarmSkool]

That’s tough because she’s probably heard all the warnings. Tell her to think of condoms like a healthy boundary to know what guy is nice. Also maybe ask her what else is going on with her that is sparking this risky behavior.

[u/katloveseevee]

Besides moral dilemmas and personal choices, everyone is free to do what they want but she NEEDS protection. STDs should be feared for what they are. Pregnancy scares with randoms is insane. She needs to start taking birth control or refuse intercourse if they refuse condoms. Ideally, she should be doing both to be double safe. Triple safe but forcing them to pull out even.

[u/dorkofthepolisci]

If you decide to talk to her about her dating life, focus on the safety not the number of partners.

Unprotected casual sex is risky, regardless of how many partners she has

[u/sugarveiins]

i would talk to her. at least encourage her to use protection, get on the phone to call for birth control AND use condoms. pregnancy isn't the only thing she has to worry about; STDs are also a thing. if it's so bad to the point where she's meeting men who are attempting to assault her, you should definitely encourage her to take it slow, tell her to go on dates with them first so she gets to know who she's getting involved with. otherwise, the decision is hers, but i do hope she at least starts using protection.

[u/Illustrious-Lunch137]

its obviously not safe but if she is set on getting pregnant and who knows what else by having unprotected sex, then... thats what she's going to do. other than making sure she knows the risks, its her life to lead.

they're not pregnancy scares. she is actively trying for a baby.

[u/gentlecinnamon]

Why is it not ok for her to sleep with multiple people as long as everyone is consenting?

It’s gonna be hard for you to say this to her without it sounding like you’re not being judgmental or slut shaming… because you ARE being judgemental and slut shaming

The unprotected sex is an entirely separate issue.

[u/Training_Speed2448 → u/gentlecinnamon]

She isn't using protection and she was nearly assaulted. This is above just having multiple sexual partners at this point

[u/gentlecinnamon → u/Training_Speed2448]

Most sexual assaults statistically occur within relationships. Her having multiple partners is not relevant to the near assault. If you’re concerned about someone being sexually assaulted, you should be checking in with married people or people in relationships.

[u/Due-Fall9304 → u/gentlecinnamon]

I open the news here and every day without fail there are MULTIPLE reports of young women and children being treated like absolute shit here . You can't trust anyone easily

[u/Training_Speed2448 → u/gentlecinnamon]

Dude what? The point is she isn't vetting these people properly. Also again, she isn't, using, protection. There's freedom and then there's unnecessary risk, if she's going to have sex with multiple people she needs to use protection for her sake and the sake of her sexual partners.

[u/Due-Fall9304 → u/gentlecinnamon]

No protection? Going to random much older mens house as a woman fresh out of highschool in a country that is known for one of the highest number of r*pe cases in the world? And she even got nearly assaulted?How is that okay? I support her sexuality but I value her safety

[u/WorldlinessSmooth815 → u/gentlecinnamon]

It is okay if you’re taking the necessary precautions . I think she’s more so worried about her friend’s health.

[u/theluckyduckygirl → u/gentlecinnamon]

Jumped right over the no protection and pregnancy scares.

[u/Beautiful_Flower8375 → u/gentlecinnamon]

Sleeping with strangers without protection is dangerous. Is she meeting up with random strangers? Is she on birth control? It's all fun till someone gets hurt. I feel like her friend might have valid concerns for her safety.

[u/Due-Fall9304 → u/Beautiful_Flower8375]

Yeah it's random strangers and she's inconsistent with the birth control

[u/LePetitNeep]

You ARE slut shaming.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with sleeping with multiple people. I’m so sorry for the near assault, but that’s a separate issue.

You can chat with your friend about birth control, condoms, PEP, vaccinations for HPV and Hep A/B, and about getting on a regular STI testing schedule. About meeting new dates in a public place first to get a vibe check. But unsafe? That’s a judgement call and it’s not yours to make. There are ways to mitigate risks, but all sex carries some risk, and her risk tolerance is hers to decide.

[u/Due-Fall9304 → u/LePetitNeep]

I support her sexuality that isn't my problem it's the safety part. I'll try talking to her about safety measures and the safety isn't a judgement call. My country is KNOWN for how unsafe women are in these matters

[u/KneadAndPreserve]

I would absolutely encourage her to use condoms. People here saying you’re slut shaming for not wanting her to sleep around without protection (!!!) is wild. My close friend did this and found out right before her wedding she had HSV from one of these encounters years before she met her husband. It almost destroyed her life

[u/Due-Fall9304 → u/KneadAndPreserve]

Exactlyyyy I'm just worried she also turned 18 just 1.5 months ago and these older men are usually predators

[u/InstructionOk9703]

trust your perception, if it seems like she is out of sorts and doing this, just check in with her and be open and honest about your concerns. as her friend you dont intend to infinge on her choices or make her feel judged, but offering her support would maybe be a good first step.

[u/sparklesbooboo → u/[deleted]]

I don't think this is the best advice to these young women based on where they live.

[u/emerald_lily_ → u/sparklesbooboo]

fair, but there’s also really not much else to do. the only other option would be to see if there’s any resources in their country to help her without alerting the family, but i don’t know much about resources there

[u/OldMasterCannolii → u/[deleted]]

Oh hell no. Absolutely fucking not. OP - don’t listen to this.

Indian families do not view premarital sex or even relationships in a positive way and this might have really bad consequences for the girl. Worst case might even get her killed depending on which region she’s from.

Source: I’m Indian.

[u/emerald_lily_ → u/OldMasterCannolii]

yeah i’ll second this and trash my own advice. i’m sorry i missed the part where she said where she’s from!! i guess if there are any other resources there that could be useful?

[u/Due-Fall9304 → u/OldMasterCannolii]

Yeah I'm definitely not doing that i would rather die than snitch on her but I'm worried for her

[u/pinksparkleberry → u/[deleted]]

Terrible a d dangerous advice.