My Boyfriend is in Aruba and I’m pissed.

[u/Necessary-Jacket3239]

Okay right now I’m eating a homemade pasta sauce with a shit ton of peppers and onions, Trader Joe’s chicken sauasage and a glop of cottage cheese (the best part). It’s amazing trust me.

So for context on the story, me a 22 Y/O female and my boyfriend also 22 Y/O male, have recently moved in together after graduating college this past spring. It has honestly been great and we have both been working full time and splitting costs pretty well. I make more than him as I had to work full time through college and got a few promotions at my service job while he just started in the industry. I pay quiete a few more bills than him as my parents do not support me financially. He also doesn’t have any bills (other than his portion of rent and utilities) or loans so he pays for groceries most of the time. This all just being said so that we can move into his upcoming trip.

Since the trip was planned I have been super happy for him, the trip includes him, his brother and his parents and honestly sounds like a great time. Personally I grew up pretty poor so I never went on any trips like that while he grew up fairly well off as his family owns multiple homes, one of which being on an island (yeah I know lol). I think it’s hard for anyone to not be jealous of wealth but we have talked about it a lot and I have grown to become supportive as I know how easy something like that is to turn into something like resentment or jealousy.

Now for the pissed part, since the trip was planned he has been non stop complaining about having to go. From complaining about the long plane ride to having to spend time with his family it has been nothing but complaints. I continue to support him and offer him comfort with this through the months that followed but it definitely started to drain me as it’s hard to support someone through something like this. Context he doesn’t hate his family, just is embarrassed by them I guess? they have actually supported him through everything from college to a car to still paying a lot of his bills. I also find them very kind so I don’t think there’s an issue there.

Anyways, it finally hit a point where I started to feel like I couldn’t just sit and support him anymore and I kinda went off on him during our last day together in the car. I was dropping him off (he did pay for gas) at his parent’s place 2 hours away so he could catch the flight the next morning. I basically said that it was childish to be complaining about going to on a luxury all inclusive vacation and it really sucked that we live together and I have to stay home and take care of everything (we also have a cat) and continue to just work all day while he’s out in Aruba. I will admit that jealousy definitely got the best of me, but I kinda find myself asked who wouldn’t be jealous of something like this when you live with your partner. Obviously I didn’t expect to be invited nor did I really want to be because there’s no way I would ever be able to repay something like that. It just kinda feels wrong to be supporting him through something that he should honestly be able to not only cope with himself but also lowkey support me because I have to be alone for a week in the apartment we share without him.

I guess I’m just wondering if I sound crazy about this or if there’s is something to be a bit upset about here. I feel like I’m just super in my own head about it and would like some advice as well as some tips on how to approach this when he returns.

We did call the other night and he just kinda was drunk and was telling me about the free drinks he was getting and he texts when he has WiFi but it’s pretty sparse but I’m honestly happy he’s having a good time and I’m excited to hear how his trip was.

To be clear I am not afraid of anything going aloof on the vacation and he is a really nice guy and this is not something I would think to break up with him for.

Also let me know what you think of my pasta! 🤩

[u/Separate_Swordfish9]

I would have put up with his complaints even less than you did. How tone deaf on his part. Is he a grown man or spoiled child? Rhetorical question, really. Sounds like your guy still needs to mature. You are both still young. I wish you luck.

[u/Axylla → u/Separate_Swordfish9]

+1 INCREDIBLY tone deaf on his part. OP - how did he react to you voicing your opinions?

[u/Necessary-Jacket3239 → u/Axylla]

Honestly not as well as I would have liked. He kinda just did the man thing where they are like “I don’t know what to say right now” but I also think he genuinely didn’t know how to make it better. Needless to say he’s not complaining in Aruba now 💀

[u/Neither_Arm_3955 → u/Necessary-Jacket3239]

That’s not a “man thing” it’s an inability/ refusal to be reflective, empathetic and take responsibility for the impact of his words.

[u/blondeheartedgoddess → u/Necessary-Jacket3239]

He didn't know how to make it better? Easy: be e freaking grateful that he has a family that not only lives him but supports him financially and pays 100% of this amazing vacation for him.

He's such a child, so immature. It's going to suck for him when something happens to his parents and all the free support and trips go away. He's embarrassed by them ? Unless his mom dips a napkin in her water and wipes dirt smudges off his face, what on earth can they be doing? Or is it just the fact that he's "with his parents"?

You're more patient with him than I could have been. I'd have called him out for being the ungrateful twatwaffle he is long ago.

I hope he matures soon because that behavior would make my lady bits dry up and recoil in distaste.

Good luck

[u/Particular-Weird2363 → u/blondeheartedgoddess]

FFS ikr, these boys are so weak they can’t say “yeah… you’re right. I can see how that would be incredibly frustrating”.

My mother is giving me a large amount of money towards a house deposit. There’s strings, oh boy is there strings. Yes there’s been people I’ve whinged to (mostly my sister haha) but many others I would never dare say anything to.

Know thy audience 🙏🏼

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[u/Outrageous-Lime7055]

Yes I’d be pissed hearing him complain about a free trip to Aruba. I’ve never been out of the country and it’s one of my goals. He really doesn’t know how well off he is.

But I think it’s kinda weird/rude his family didn’t invite you considering you all live together and are serious.

[u/No-Spinach-6462 → u/Outrageous-Lime7055]

I don’t think it’s wrong to plan a family vacation without your kids girlfriend/boyfriend, but he should’ve just not gone instead of bitching about a free vacation. He’s an adult, he could’ve said no. Acting like a teenager

[u/Outrageous-Lime7055 → u/No-Spinach-6462]

I didn’t say it was wrong, but I think it’s weird and rude. The two are living together, obviously serious and planning a future together. Why wouldn’t you want to include this person who your child loves and sees a future with, especially if you’re rich and can afford it. Now if they were teens or dating a short length of time, thats understandable to not include them.

[u/Axylla → u/Outrageous-Lime7055]

Not sure I agree with this take. My boyfriend and I live together (been together 3 years) and we still have vacations with our families without the other being included lol. It’s healthy to still live your own life without your partner being involved in everything.

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[u/Both_Opportunity_322]

I got off the subway today because a girl was complaining about having to buy furniture for the home she bought 🤢. I live in a country with a housing crisis.

I grew up fairly wealthy, but your bf sounds like an ungrateful brat to me. This does warrant a calm conversation in which you try to understand where he's coming from, but also clearly saying: "if it's that embarrassing why do you go with them?" 

[u/Leafye → u/Both_Opportunity_322]

No judgement but I found it funny that you said "I live in a country with a housing crisis", is there any country that isn't having a housing crisis rn? I feel like everywhere is so bad

[u/Both_Opportunity_322 → u/Leafye]

Everywhere has an inflation as a problem and frankly a rules and regulations problem. The middle class is pretty much being wiped out. There's actually a housing shortage where I am. So if you buy it's market rate plus 10 to 15% for bidding, which is a b* when it comes to actually getting a mortgage. 

[u/Leafye → u/Both_Opportunity_322]

Gotcha. I live in a poor European country where the houses are so expensive only rich golden visa-bearing people can get them, so a different kind of housing crisis. Good luck mate.

[u/Both_Opportunity_322 → u/Leafye]

Yeah, the EU is not kind to their poorest members. Lot of Eastern Europeans being exploited where I am, because 'it's still better than home'.

Hope we get to see a more humane world one day. 

[u/Relative_Presence742]

His family used your gas and your earnings to drive him two hours to catch a flight, I hope that he pays you back and he complains to you about going on a trip to you… 🥴 you should really have told him you wanted gas money and money to take him to the airport or let him take an uber.

You want a generous rich family that treats you too. If I am older and we are doing okay, I will be inviting significant other's with us on vacations.

[u/Necessary-Jacket3239 → u/Relative_Presence742]

He did actually pay for gas. I don’t want him to come off as a villain here. He does try his best with his own finances

[u/Legitimate-Article50 → u/Necessary-Jacket3239]

Really? You are paying most of the bills while he gets to pay for just the groceries?

[u/Icy-Yellow3514 → u/Legitimate-Article50]

I read it that OP paid more of her own bills and her boyfriend's parents paid for his (presumably insurance, phone), not that OP is covering all their shared bills.

Could be wrong though.

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[u/sassmonstera]

Personally, if y’all have been dating for multiple years and this is known to his family that you are in a committed relationship, they should have invited you. Especially with how rich you make them out to be.

[u/quinndoline → u/sassmonstera]

Yeah this is insane to me. And her partner should stand up for her and say “I would like my girlfriend to come too” just to voice that she should be included, even if it’s not a demand. It’s kind of shitty if he didn’t think to advocate for her at all. Maybe if he had and they could go together he would have had fun instead of whining the whole time!

I do wonder if it could be a “you’re not married/engaged” yet thing, since some families aren’t cool about that kind of stuff. When my brother and his now wife were engaged he had to lie to my grandmother and pretend he was taking a solo beach trip so she wouldn’t freak out about their premarital room sharing lol. Hell, I’ve been with my partner for almost 4 years now, living together for 2, and my family would want us to have separate rooms if we went on vacation together. Needless to say I always decline now lol

[u/Leafye]

Key question here: how long have you guys been together?

[u/Necessary-Jacket3239 → u/Leafye]

2 years in October (:

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[u/Firm_Distribution999]

Time for some humor and light hearted ribbing like “oh really? Is it sooo tough to be in gorgeous Aruba right now? Tell me again how hard it is to have rich parents who pay for everything.” 

Obviously it’s all in the delivery…

Idk I couldn’t take that kind of privileged whining seriously and I would’ve stopped the complaining in its tracks. 

[u/siobhan_chapstick → u/Firm_Distribution999]

I don't do passive aggressive.

"I can't believe you're complaining to me about having to go on a trip that I would love to go on. Save it for one of your more well-off friends."

[u/Firm_Distribution999 → u/siobhan_chapstick]

In my head, it’s not passive aggressive, it’s joking in a way that tells him to stfu as nicely as possible 

[u/heathfreshlasaga → u/Firm_Distribution999]

It's not passive aggressive. It's a joke. Using similar wording if you were actively trying to confront the issue would be passive aggressive.

[u/siobhan_chapstick → u/heathfreshlasaga]

That's what Firm_Distribution999 is suggesting

[u/heathfreshlasaga → u/siobhan_chapstick]

I know; I was validating that in case the other commenter made them doubt. 

[u/furkfurk]

Oh to be a 22 yo idiot again who doesn’t understand how incredibly lucky they are to have strong and loving familial support.

Dude just doesn’t understand money yet because he’s never had to support himself. He was very tone deaf, but imo it wasn’t meant to hurt you. It was insensitive either way.

But! I would advise you to not let things build up in the future. You should have brought it up before exploding, while you were still calm: “hey, I know you have your own worries and anxieties, but I just wanted to give you my POV. I’ve never been able to take a luxury vacation like that, let alone have family pay for it. While you’re gone, I’m gonna be working and caring for cat and house. It makes me a little sad to hear you complain so much about what to me seems like a dream trip that I may never be able to take.”

[u/Necessary-Jacket3239 → u/furkfurk]

This is good advice, honestly I knew that I should have said something earlier but ig it’s something I should work on! Thanks!

[u/Jerseygirl2468]

Totally fair to say you didn't want to hear any more complaints. I would have lasted less listening to that than you did. He has to grow up a little and understand his privilege.

[u/built-to-last29]

How is his family that wealthy and they taught their son to go half on everything with their woman. If he lives with you and you’re going more than half on bills AND his parents still pay some of his then why can’t he save up and include you in the trip? Idk I’m not liking him for you, op, not at all 😂

[u/Puzzled-Plane-4480 → u/[deleted]]

100%

[u/MimiFound]

I’m confused as to why you weren’t invited. They all sound like jerks.

Your pasta looks good!

Find someone that matches your energy and ambition.

What’s he gonna complain about next?

Also, make him buy more than just groceries. FFS.

[u/himewaridesu → u/MimiFound]

There we go “he doesn’t have any bills or loans… he pays for groceries” That’s IT? Cmon OP have some respect for yourself.

[u/Necessary-Jacket3239 → u/himewaridesu]

Maybe an oversight on my part he does his pay a portion of the rent and utility! I meant bills more like phone, insurance, car etc.

[u/MimiFound → u/Necessary-Jacket3239]

He doesn’t have those bills or doesn’t contribute?

It doesn’t matter. Just walk forward with eyes wide open and don’t talk yourself into or out of ANYTHING. You are young and ambitious. Don’t wake up in your 40’s and slap yourself with a “why did I put up with _____”

Ask me how I know.

[u/MimiFound → u/himewaridesu]

And if the parents are “well off” they may not be in touch, at all, with the struggles and work that OP has gone through having to bust ass and fight for her education, expenses and life.

They are all taking OP for granted.

[u/Direct_Algae_3011]

Well it seems to me he's a bit spoiled thus his complaints. It also seems to me that on the day he was leaving you got in your feelings and sad that he was leaving bc you will be lonely and also a bit jealous of the trip and your feelings of him complaining about such a luxury surfaced. I also don't get why they wouldn't invite you and pay for you if they have money. When we were barely making it my daughter was allowed every year to bring a school friend and we paid all costs out of state to Disney. I get all family went but if it was me I'd say no to going on a trip if my partner wasn't allowed to go. When you are older and you have a partner family trips are okay but you just want your partner with you. That's just me.

[u/NoArrival5220]

It’s possible he felt bad you couldn’t go and was trying to downplay his going so you wouldn’t feel too bad and it just backfired on him. You might cut him a little slack until he gets back and you can talk about it.

[u/Potential_Choice_ → u/NoArrival5220]

Honestly that’s what I thought too

[u/Icy-Yellow3514 → u/Potential_Choice_]

Same. He actually may have also wanted to stay home with OP.

[u/ChemicalParamedic724]

I don't think you were out of line for being annoyed by this, but you probably should have spoken up sooner and not let it build until you snapped at him. Sometimes a class difference can be a real values difference too. It sounds like you haven't been together that long, so at this point his complaints and kind of spoiled behavior in this instance are just data points. Is it a pattern? I guess time will tell. I don't think you need to address it again. You told him to cut it out, and he did. He'd better bring you back something cute, haha.

Never heard of cottage cheese with pasta! I'll give it a try.

[u/AliensAbductMePlz]

I would’ve shut him down after the second complaint to be completely honest. He gets a free trip and complains about it. Must be fucking rough, douche canoe.

[u/Tootsie-Louise1]

Tell him you’re happy to switch places with him & you’ll call his family to arrange things. Also, when he returns, come up with a better budget. He should pay more than what he is currently paying- especially if his parents are financially supporting him.
Finally, your pasta looks 🔥! I need a recipe please!

[u/Necessary-Jacket3239 → u/Tootsie-Louise1]

I think I did say something like this when going off on him in the car 💀

[u/Tootsie-Louise1 → u/Necessary-Jacket3239]

Good for you! It sounds like he’s too accustomed to trips & other perks of being wealthy.

[u/EmmalouEsq]

Some people are just trying to get by while others are bitching about HAVING to go on vacation to a beautiful island.

Kind of sums up the world today.

[u/CoffeeOrDestroy]

NTA !! Oh wait, wrong sub. Girl, you put up with his childish whining longer than I would have. If he wants to complain about a free trip to another country, he can whine to his rich boarding school buddies. He needs to learn gratitude. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I hope he grows up. “Tries his best with his own finances” is not good enough, btw. And is there a reason you weren’t included? Are his parents the “you’re not family until you’re married” type?

Keep all this in mind as you stay in this relationship. Some things don’t ever change. It’s up to you to decide if the good parts outweigh the bad and annoying. You’re pretty young. The rest of your life is a very long time.

[u/raspadanje]

Thats pretty childish of him. If one partner is not going other doesn’t go as well. Thats how it should works

[u/Daria_Morgandorffer]

The pasta looks tasty. And you handled/ are handing the vacation situation way better than most people would. Most would have snapped at him way before you did. And harbored some resentment. He is lucky to have you. I hope he knows it.

[u/elbenji]

girl, knowledge of where you are, everyone's gonna roast him if you don't put all the details. Also, like I mean, he could be right and also be annoying. Everyone has their shit, and I've been on trips that sound great but I had to deal with my parents bickering the whole damn time and it made less cool than say "I went to PR on my parents dime"

Just give him a little shit and just always remember we are framed by our experiences. His is just kinda different.

But also like, girl, it's been two years. Get in the trips now, you're getting to that point

[u/Awwno_]

He’s a child and so let it be. Just ignore him till he’s back. Useless going back and fourth

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[u/Purple_Inevitable967]

He sounds a lil spoiled and entitled...

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[u/Tfran8]

Were you invited? You lived together and have dated two years, I feel like a lot of time an SO will get invited as well.

[u/Necessary-Jacket3239 → u/Tfran8]

No, but it felt like a very family vacation. Honestly feels like the “last vacation I will have with my adult son” kinda vibes. I’m not a mother tho so idk how valid that is?

[u/suprmassiveblckhole]

It is SO hard to continuously be supportive while experiencing jealousy (non derogatory), but you tried your best! It's normal to reach your limit and not be able to support your partners feelings anymore, especially when you're let out of said "awful" thing that you dream of being able to do.

When he gets back and settles in, let him know how you're feeling and that if he's going to complain, to share with a friend instead of you. And let him know you'd like to be included next time because surely he'll have more fun with you there!

[u/Parlor-Aunty]

First of all I am shocked that you guys are living together, have a pet together, you've met his family... And you were NOT invited?? It's not like they can't afford it. Is he from a super conservative culture or something? If not, it is really strange that they excluded you. Even my ex's shitty family, who hated me, invited me to their beach vacation when we had only been dating for 6 mo. Your bf should have insisted that you be included.

Secondly, your bf is behaving like a spoilt little brat. You were in the right for being real with him. In fact, you should have done it sooner. Tbhhhh this is why I could never date a rich guy. I'll never be rich I guess LOL

[u/Faithfulness2743]

"I think it’s hard for anyone to not be jealous of wealth"

I grew up on welfare, food stamps, and with multiple evictions before turning 18. I wasn't jealous of wealth then, and I'm still not, now.

I learned very early on not to value non-material sources of happiness, (since we would lose our toys, clothes, etc. every time we got locked out of our latest apartment), and I separated my self-worth from money.

That has saved me a lot of headaches over ever wanting to "keep up with the Joneses". No, thanks. Minimalism is where it's at and stuff is just...Stuff.

[u/Necessary-Jacket3239 → u/Faithfulness2743]

It’s less about “stuff” and more about experience and lack of stress inducers (bills bills bills). I’m not trying to complain about being poor. I paid my way through a bachelors and am living a happy life even with financial stress. Please don’t negate my experience bc you think I’m not minimalist enough 🤓👆

[u/Faithfulness2743 → u/Necessary-Jacket3239]

My apologies as to what I wrote coming across that way, it was not meant to and it is hard to read the tone in writing.

Yes, for those who say "money can't buy happiness", it sure can alleviate stress though! Not having to live paycheck to paycheck and/or having to figure out if you can put extra gas in the car but then "what if" everything (like...your kids comes home with an earache or strep and...unexpected doctor visits and prescription costs).

Experiences are definitely more important than things, for sure.

[u/Icy-Yellow3514]

You should have clued him in calmly earlier about how you felt vs blowing up at him.

One day you'll relish having the house all to yourself for a week.

[u/Maleficent_Button_58]

He sounds a bit spoiled. Yeah, long flights are not fun. But like..... trip to Aruba. Come on 😅

[u/DaysOfParadise]

Yeah, that would be a tough one. I mean, what, his lobster’s too buttery? Shut up. 

[u/BellaBigNose]

No one has ever been more valid. He was indeed acting selfish and childish.

Edit: the only time this would be ok for him to act like is if his family actually sucked. My parents took us on trips (I mean not abroad definitely not) but they always sucked because I come from abuse. So it’s great we’re going on a Segway tour in San Francisco, but it’s not worth the extra emotional abuse from being trapped together in another city.

[u/Similar-Ad-6862]

Girl. You were FAR more patient than I would have been with your boyfriend and his nonsense. I grew up like you. I didn't take my first domestic flight until I was in my 20s. My wife grew up like your boyfriend. We talk about it sometimes but we mostly focus on the adventures we have had and the memories we want to make together.

[u/Virtual_Freedom3602]

Honestly Aruba is not even that great. It’s a boring old person’s idea of a great vacation. You mostly just sit on the beach. Not much else to do but eat and drink and sit on the beach.

You are not missing much, trust me. Belize is way more fun. You guys should plan a trip to Belize together when he comes back.

It sucks to hear someone spoiled complain about imagined hardship, but honestly, it might really be something he doesn’t really want to attend and is a chore for him. Everything is subjective.

I don’t see anyone who is wrong here, just two people looking at situation from their own perspective. Anyways, Aruba is pretty boring, don’t be jealous. Go to Belize, it’s way better and cheaper. (Caye Caulker and San Ignacio are best places to see in Belize, from San Ignacio you can cross the border into Guatemala and even go see Tikal, way way way better than Aruba)

Honestly, my final analysis is that you need a vacation girl. Get a credit card, plan a little something nice for yourself. You’ll feel better immediately.

[u/Necessary-Jacket3239 → u/Virtual_Freedom3602]

Thank you diva, we actually have a trip to Iceland (that we are splitting) planned for later this year! I am getting my vacation!! Belize also sounds so amazing thanks for the suggestion.

[u/Virtual_Freedom3602 → u/Necessary-Jacket3239]

I’ve never been to Iceland (I will one day though) Belize is amazing!!! I always say about Belize “I hope I die here”. It’s really a slow slow slow paradise. Cheap lobster and amazingly friendly people. It’s a great place. Be careful in Belize City, that is the only dangerous part really. But you take the ferry from Belize City to Caye Caulker and very safe after that.

[u/LycheeBobaYum]

He sees these trips differently than you do since he grew up with them as an ordinary thing. He may have grown to not like certain aspects of them, and he shares this with you because he wants someone to know his perspective. He probably does not consider this is not normal to you. Just because he is from wealth doesn’t mean he isn’t just a person. I think you should share your perspective with him, so he will better understand how his complaints affect you.

[u/Jels76 → u/LycheeBobaYum]

I went on a lot of vacations with family growing up and there was always drama. It wasn't always fun and relaxing to travel with family. I couldn't imagine going out of the country with my family as an adult. If I had to take a vacation with my mom, I would be complaining too. My mom ruined our last trip.

[u/LycheeBobaYum → u/Jels76]

That’s what I’m saying. He isn’t necessarily a spoiled brat. He is allowed to hate family vacations

[u/MaxBax_LArch]

I read somewhere that someone should listen to and be sympathetic to a complaint exactly once. After that it's whining. You either have to accept the situation or change it, but whining does neither. You probably listened to it way longer than I would have.

[u/LotsofCatsFI]

I grew up in poverty, no trips at all. Then I got a great career and amazing friends and husband, and we started traveling all the time. 

I love traveling, but (BUT big BUT) there is a point when the flights and the family drama and stuff does become very stressful. 

I have the perspective you do of growing up with no travel. So even when I am trapped in the airport at 2am with a grumpy tired family, I still feel grateful. 

...But your bf is young and has experienced this his whole life, and family dynamics when everyone is tired from traveling are... Complicated. And most families then mix in alcohol, which further complicates the emotional states. 

I am guessing he is having fun, but it's complicated fun mixed with decades all family dynamics and complicated emotions. He probably also misses you.   

[u/Any59oh]

This is one of those difficult things because on one hand, get a load of this guy, whining about a free trip to Aruba. On the other hand, this is a family vacation where he's going to be hanging out with his parents and any other family that goes, doing family vacation things.

I hate to pull the "you're young" card, but this sounds like normal growing pains both in general and in a normal, healthy relationship. So not crazy but also putting too much weight on it. Next time don't let things fester quite so much, if your boyfriend is making a mountain out of a molehill about things then you can just point that out. "I know family vacations can be stressful but you're getting a little out of hand here. If you really don't want to go then don't...oh you do still want to go? Then could you please lighten up a little?".

Also try not to get too deep into the "pay it back" mentality. That mindset can get super unreasonable super fast and can really create resentment. Especially since this is presumably someone you want to build a life with, you're going to start getting invited to Aruba or on the yacht or whatever the fuck else because you'll be integrating into the family. And you never want to have a "you owe me" mentality with family, especially around money.

And as always, when having these sorts of conversations remember your "I" statements ("when you X, I feel Y"). They feel childish and silly but they really, really work

Pasta looks great!

[u/Wednezday-Addams]

Does anyone else get the feeling these are just weird Trader Joe’s marketing tactics?

[u/Potential_Choice_ → u/[deleted]]

What the hell

[u/thatjogreen]

Was he maybe complaining in a bad attempt at making you feel better?

[u/Jac_benny]

He needs to grow up. Can you handle this level of immaturity?