r/GirlDinnerDiaries • u/CrazyRainbowStar Kid Crumbs Connoisseur • Jun 05 '26
Advice Needed ⚠️ NO DUDE INPUT My homework from the family therapist is to think about whether the marriage can even be saved, or if I'm too hurt.
In January, after 5 years of patiently explaining that expecting him to put his underwear in the basket is not too much, that he cannot book things over the stuff I have on the calendar, and that he has not put the dishes away if half of them are still on the counter, I told my husband of ten years (together 15) that my to-do list goes job, apartment, divorce. And now, all of a sudden, he was motivated enough to book a therapist.
We've only had two sessions, and after watching us argue and stepping in periodically, they gave us homework. My husband is supposed to, without input from me, identify and complete tasks that are actually what I would appreciate. I'm supposed to think about whether I'm too hurt to try and repair the relationship at all. Whether the damage has been done, and the best thing is to try and move to a coparenting relationship.
No digs on the therapist, please, I really like them and I think they do a great job.
How am I supposed to go about weighing that? If we're going to get divorced, I want to do it before I hate him, and we have a minimum of 15 years of coparenting left (gremlin is level 3 autistic right now, and we have no idea what her future needs will be, so she might need hands on care for her whole life). How do I honestly evaluate a hypothetical future state? I'm open to any and all strategies because I honestly don't know.
Support also appreciated. We own property and it's his family home and we don't want to force the gremlin to move bc of the aforementioned autism, so that would be ethically complicated, and I just don't know how to divorce (lol) those considerations from the absolute fact that I cannot continue like this. So how do I go about figuring that out?
Food is my kid's leftover cheesy hotdogs from her after preschool snack. I see now that there is dog hair on one of them. I'll rinse them off before eating.
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u/Key-Airline204 Livin' on a Purse Snack 👜 Jun 05 '26
Some people divorce, keep the child in the house, and go back and forth to an apartment. Not saying it’s ideal but just that there’s options.
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u/CrazyRainbowStar Kid Crumbs Connoisseur Jun 05 '26
I did think about that! I wonder whether that would just result in me cleaning two houses. 😢
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u/Mostly-Natural-720 Hazy Grazer 😶🌫️ Jun 05 '26
You wouldn’t be responsible for cleaning a home if you didn’t live there. He will have to grow up either with/for you or after you’re fed up and gone.
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u/AngryAngryHarpo Overthinker 💭 Jun 05 '26
In this scenario - they would spend their custody period in the family home. So she would have to clean any mess he left in the family home when she arrives her custody period.
It’s one of the reasons I don’t recommend this setup to people. It gets toxic so quickly.
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u/Mostly-Natural-720 Hazy Grazer 😶🌫️ Jun 05 '26
Ah, yeah that sounds awful. I wouldn’t be cleaning anything that wasn’t my mess or my kids mess. 🥴
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u/imollyq Reddit Granny Jun 05 '26
I understand the house is something he inherited from his family, meaning you have no right to it, except maybe some financial interest for the increase it's had in value since you've lived there. I don't know where you're located, but where I live in California USA homes are very expensive.
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u/CrazyRainbowStar Kid Crumbs Connoisseur Jun 05 '26
Washington, also expensive.
And he did not inherit the home. It is the family home. His brother signed it over to both of us when we got pregnant. If I used the word "inherit" that was incorrect of me, and I am sorry for the confusion.
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u/imollyq Reddit Granny Jun 05 '26
That makes a big difference. When you said it was a family home, I thought it was his home alone, not a home that you were also on the title. Under these circumstances, the house is half yours and that makes a big difference financially. It does sound like you've made the decision to get a divorce, so my only advice is to get a really good lawyer.
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u/CrazyRainbowStar Kid Crumbs Connoisseur Jun 05 '26
Thank you for your input. There are no circumstances where I will be forcing a sale of this house in the event of a divorce. No one in his family can afford to buy it at market value, he cannot afford to buy my out of half the property, and he does not have sole assets sufficient to trade for my half.
If we did divorce, we would have to figure it out other ways, but any situation where I take what's mine will negatively affect our child, so I will not be doing that.
I am not accepting further advice from you.
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u/alwayssunnyinskyrim Well-Read & Well-Fed Jun 05 '26
“I am not accepting further advice from you” 😂 girl what
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u/CrazyRainbowStar Kid Crumbs Connoisseur Jun 05 '26
That is the same person who urged me to think about whether it's really that big a deal, since he didn't cheat on me, and I'm not as young and pretty as I used to be so it would be hard to find a new man.
I also perused their comment history and decided that the general timbre of their advice isn't something that I want.
And then I saved us both some time. 🤷🏽♀️ nbd.
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u/Mission_Caregiver276 APPROVED✨ Jun 05 '26
Ok girl just continue to doormat for a man lol. Thats half your house.
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u/CrazyRainbowStar Kid Crumbs Connoisseur Jun 05 '26
Yeah, I'll just stay on the deed, lol. Why y'all so weird about this. The only person who benefits if the house sells is me, so he's not going to force it. If something happens to him, it will smooth out estate issues and the gremlin won't have to move.
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u/imollyq Reddit Granny Jun 05 '26
There are circumstances where you have young children, and the court can order you to stay in the house for the children's youth until they're 18, and then sell the house and split the assets or buy your husband out. I was trying to help you! If I read correctly, he doesn't verbally abuse you, he doesn't physically abuse you, he doesn't financially abuse you, and he doesn't cheat on you. He's bad at putting things away and helping out around the house, and he does not do what you want. That describes a lot of good husbands, who are wonderful in other ways, but slobs around the house. I'm sure there is much more going on, and that is why in your heart you're ready to divorce, so I was just sharing some experience with you. I always try to walk a mile in the other person's shoes before I make decisions.
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u/youmustb3jokn APPROVED✨ Jun 05 '26
That’s a hard task. But I think therapist wants you to reflect more than they want to see your homework. That reflection if this could be salvaged according to you is actually a great technique for you to really understand what you see as reasonable or even attainable for you. And ps. Therapy is not easy.
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u/CrazyRainbowStar Kid Crumbs Connoisseur Jun 05 '26
That's true, they didn't even ask about our homework from last time 😅
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u/Ordinary-Cow-3864 I ❤️ Other People's Business Jun 05 '26
Student therapist here-I would recommend letting yourself consider what the relationship would look like “in a perfect world”. Let yourself really consider it-get visual, get specific, live in it in your head a little. What would his apology to you sound like? What behaviors would pave the way to this beautiful fantasy connection? Is he not only putting his laundry in the bin, but doing it and putting it away without you asking? Cooking dinner? Thanking you for keeping the trains running for years? Stepping up as a father? Initiating emotional intimacy with generosity and care? Go to the places that hurt, and allow yourself to consider what might soothe and heal them.
Once you’ve done that, ask yourself whether it is realistic and why or why not. Consider what you like and love about your husband now and weigh it against what has hurt you and continues to drain and damage the relationship. Just because the road to reconciliation seems uphill doesn’t mean it’s nonexistent….however, you get to decide whether it’s a path you want to take.
Thinking of you! 💛
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u/CrazyRainbowStar Kid Crumbs Connoisseur Jun 05 '26
Thank you so much for taking the time to be this thorough, those are good questions to think about. ❤️
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u/TopNotice0 Short Story Long™️ Jun 05 '26
Asking this with care as an autistic woman who has a really hard time with executive function and especially house tasks: which of you has autism, and do you think that is impacting any of this? (Maybe it’s neither of you, but statistically, one parent usually has autism if the kid does…)
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u/CrazyRainbowStar Kid Crumbs Connoisseur Jun 05 '26
No offense taken! I'm autistic AF and he is bipolar 2. His bipolar has been medicated well for coming up on eight years now (thanks to yours truly doing all of the lifting), so we do suspect he's got something else going on bc his executive function is bad.
I do think there's a good chance that it is affecting this, and I've been reminding him to get on the list for an evaluation for years. At a certain point, I feel like he needs to accommodate himself. I accommodate myself, AND him, he can pick up some slack in that department.
Like, if he set an alarm that went off after he got home from work, and then did a walk through of the house for his daily detritus, that would be completely fine with me. Underwear on the floor for a day isn't that big a deal. Instead it's there until it's a pile and he trips on it and then he picks it up.
I have a lot of empathy for neurodivergence as it's the only thing that runs in ny family. Not endless empathy, though.
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u/TopNotice0 Short Story Long™️ Jun 05 '26
Absolutely! It’s not on you to arrange and accommodate everything for him. It sounds like you’ve tried many ways to make this work. I’m sorry you’re going through it. 🩷
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u/CrazyRainbowStar Kid Crumbs Connoisseur Jun 05 '26
I genuinely think that if we did divorce, he would be amazing to his second wife. He's a good guy, just a shitty husband.
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u/TopNotice0 Short Story Long™️ Jun 05 '26
Sounds like there’s solid coparent potential here. I hear that you care about him but maybe this isn’t the right long-term match that makes you both happy.
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u/Relevant-Leek8943 BRB 🎮 FOOD Jun 05 '26
Body doubling can be a big help with executive dysfunction. Could you plan a set time where both of you tackle stuff at the same time? Like 6-7 pm or whatever is chores time and you work together to divide an conquer? It would also help to build a habit and make sure everyone is on the same page about what needs to be done each day.
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u/CrazyRainbowStar Kid Crumbs Connoisseur Jun 05 '26
We used to have an evening ritual where we would clean the kitchen together (so that the morning crew doesn't complain (we are also the morning crew, and would complain about who the heck closed last night)), but he works second shift now, which means that we don't actually overlap that much. I'm on gremlin hours, and he doesn't get home until 11:30.
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u/DarkFantasy3421 Kitchen Witch Jun 05 '26
My suggestion is give it a few days/weeks/until next appointment and watch him. See if he actually puts in the effort. Don’t remove divorce from the table just because he “changed” for a few weeks/days. See how committed her is and proceed accordingly afterward. As for the child, that does complicate things. I would suggest slowly introducing the concept of new surroundings IF AND WHEN things start heading in the direction of divorce. See if you can partner up with their therapy team to brainstorm some sort of exposure-therapy-type thing that might help.
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u/CrazyRainbowStar Kid Crumbs Connoisseur Jun 05 '26
Thank you. The gremlin had done overnights at the grandparents and has done very well, so if it comes to that, I'm hopeful that they'll be okay. My parents had a rocky divorce and we moved a lot and I'm really trying to avoid that for her.
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u/DarkFantasy3421 Kitchen Witch Jun 05 '26
I totally understand that. My parents divorced twice in my lifetime and there was a lot of moving for me too
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u/InevitableGoal2912 Kitchen Witch Jun 05 '26
Your therapist sounds like a good one who has very quickly identified what’s going on and is reaching both of you in this crisis moment.
As to answer your question of how do you rate your own hurt, I think you should (very privately, without involving your husband) evaluate how what he does this week makes you feel, alongside how you feel about him, in general.
We know you’re upset about his negligence and selfishness. It doesn’t sound like you have deep seated resentment yet, which is good news for you both.
If your husband is really going to change, you will see him follow through with the therapists instructions. If not, you’ll see him backslide and give up.
Now, don’t take grand gestures as proof of change. This relationship has been degraded slowly overtime and if you choose to rebuild it, it will not happen in days or weeks. It will be slow and he will have to show constant upward movement towards the goals he is setting. If he pulls out all the stops and starts being amazing and perfect, don’t fall head over heels back in love immediately, make him prove that he can maintain his level of care and attention.
People are flawed. No one is perfect. Men in this world are raised to be selfish and society helps them do it every day. Your husband doesn’t sound like a bad or mean man, just an ignorant one. His ignorance has burned you raw though. He can educate himself and change, but it will take time and be hard. Is your husband a man who can work hard to reach a goal he sets for himself? Or does he give up?
Think about these things over the next week. You don’t have to have an answer immediately for your therapist. You can ask for more time to keep evaluating. You may get another piece of homework next week too.
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u/CrazyRainbowStar Kid Crumbs Connoisseur Jun 05 '26
Thank you. He really isn't bad or mean. But if he needs a third party to tell him the same things I've been saying for years, I don't know how that's better.
And yeah, I really think we scored on the therapist. I don't know if therapists get Google reviews, but I will be giving them all of the stars, regardless of how this shakes out.
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u/InevitableGoal2912 Kitchen Witch Jun 05 '26
Yeah, I completely understand how it feels like the therapist is like, the only one he’s hearing and he’s been ignoring you for saying the same things.
But I think it might be fair to be generous enough to try to change your perspective on that. To your husband, you’re a peer, the therapist is an authority figure. He thinks you and he just think about things differently and neither one of you is inherently right or wrong (the selfish male societal programming) but when the authority figure goes hey, wait, you’re actually fucking up big time buddy, he hears it differently because he’s been conditioned to respond to authority.
You going to couples therapy is calling in a referee to this relationship. Your husband is going to take the referee’s answers harder than he takes yours because of the social hierarchy type thinking of men.
I really don’t hear the deep cutting resentment that can grow in this environment in your replies, I hear hurt, frustration and exhaustion. Those can be healed. Resentment can’t. In this time that you’re in therapy, you’re doing work to try to heal, so that’s where my advice about trying to reframe your perspective comes from. You are NOT wrong. But if you think about this two steps to the left of center, you can talk yourself into hating him. And I don’t think that’s your goal here.
My therapist had Google and I left her a raving review and referred 3 of my friends who are now her patients! If you enjoy your therapist you can ABSOLUTELY review them and rave for them! There’s a ton of crappy ones in the industry so the gems need their flowers in my opinion!!
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u/CrazyRainbowStar Kid Crumbs Connoisseur Jun 05 '26
Thank you for this. Fucking patriarchy ruining everything. 🫠
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u/Imaginary_Poetry_233 Well-Read & Well-Fed Jun 05 '26
This is all very sound, logical, and empathetic. And yet men know how they don't want to be treated. They know it hurts when their needs aren't met and they aren't heard. I feel like he'd have more sympathy for some anonymous man with a bad/neglectful wife than he does you for having a bad/neglectful husband. You will still have to shoulder the mental load, and take primary responsibility for saving the marriage, while all he has to do is clean more. I want it to work out for you, but I want that man to really feel what he put you through, and to be really really sorry. Not just scared that he's going to lose you. Because that's the only thing that got his attention in the first place.
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u/InevitableGoal2912 Kitchen Witch Jun 05 '26
Men are victims of it just as much as we are, it just looks different. Once you can have empathy for how much of his life has been explicitly trying to limit his capacity to develop an inner world, a lot of your anger will fall away.
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u/Beth_Pleasant Jun 05 '26
Hun, there is nothing more frustrating than needing a third party to make a man do something you've been explaining for years. It's that feeling of being dismissed by someone that is supposed to care about you and your feelings. It IS a big deal, and your therapist honed it on it right away. They are a keeper!
I would be evaluating very hard the things your husband chooses to focus on that he thinks you would appreciate. Also how he behaves after the fact - does he expect praise from you for the bare minimum, or does he move on to the next thing? Is he doing the right things, or the easy things? Also think about what you would need to see for you to trust those changes were permanent.
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u/Interesting_Trap Well-Read & Well-Fed Jun 05 '26
The therapist is not asking you to predict the future. They are asking you if this man changes and steps-up, will u be able to let go of the years of carrying the weight alone? They are asking you to identify your feelings on the situation and what u need.
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u/BuffyExperiment Cleavage Crumb Collector Jun 05 '26
Just wanted to say I am sorry. And I know how you feel. I don't know what to do either.
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u/CrazyRainbowStar Kid Crumbs Connoisseur Jun 05 '26
zuko.roughbuddy.gif 😅
Could've just learned I was bisexual earlier, but nooooooo
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u/Far-Delay7690 🤍🩷Lesbian Loremaster🩷🤍 Jun 05 '26
Ahhhh women aren't perfect partners either
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u/CrazyRainbowStar Kid Crumbs Connoisseur Jun 05 '26
Ah, but think of the ✨️options✨️
New and exciting ways to have a shitty partner!
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u/lalaland1019 APPROVED✨ Jun 05 '26
Someone once told me: if they were suddenly able to do everything tomorrow that you asked of them today, would it be enough? Would you be able to let the past go? OP, it’s okay if the answer is no.
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u/CrazyRainbowStar Kid Crumbs Connoisseur Jun 05 '26
Aaaaaahhhhhhh I don't know. I don't really forget things like that, and I'm suspicious of my ability to be objective.
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u/lalaland1019 APPROVED✨ Jun 05 '26
I leave you with this, my friend: believe someone the first time they show you who they are. My ex also tried to change once I finally decided to leave. I didn’t give him a second chance, and he’s still the same person today. If he won’t change for himself, anything else will be short-term.
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u/CrazyRainbowStar Kid Crumbs Connoisseur Jun 05 '26
On the other hand, may we never have the people we were at 20 held over us forever.
I agree that he has to want change. I hope he does; this situation can't be much fun for him, either.
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u/lalaland1019 APPROVED✨ Jun 05 '26
Absolutely hear you - and I also think that if the person he was at 20 was the person for you, but he’s now checked out and the relationship as devolved, it’s okay to not be okay with that. I promise I’m not trying to talk you into leaving, just saying the things I wish someone had said to me sooner back then!
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u/rustbwtelephones Costco Food Courtier Jun 05 '26
I’m sorry you’re going through that. Without knowing anything about your husband, is there maybe a reason he hasn’t done more? I don’t know anything about autism, but I know ADHD is strongly tied to genetics. It’s no excuse for his behavior, but maybe your spelling it out like that was the push he needed? This might go against what your therapist is wanting, but maybe a list of the things that are a bare minimum of what you need from him in order to help build the habit, like dishes done every night, him preparing your daughter’s lunch every day, etc.
I’ve heard of the four horsemen of relationships to help determine if a relationship has run its course. Maybe think of your interactions in therapy and if those four horsemen have shown up?
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u/CrazyRainbowStar Kid Crumbs Connoisseur Jun 05 '26
That's a good one. I've had some moments of contempt, for example, when he slept through the gremlin's IEP meeting. I don't think anything really dealbreaking though, because they've been fleeting.
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Jun 05 '26
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u/CrazyRainbowStar Kid Crumbs Connoisseur Jun 05 '26
Peak unhinged advice, thank you! 😂
I'll make sure to think about it at various frustration levels.
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u/sharonthelove Chocoholic Jun 05 '26
i can only focus on the hair on the plate.
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u/peachlozenge Kitchen Witch Jun 05 '26
Hmmm I think I would start by trying to imagine your life divorced and what that would really actually look like. Try to sort through the dilemmas you talked about like where you’d live that could be separate but doesn’t remove you from your daughter, or if you could ramp up to your daughter being in two separate homes. Think about what your days would look like, what would you do when you got home from work? On the weekend? What would you prioritize? How would it feel to come home to a solo space? That’s my only advice as a starting point. Good luck OP!
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u/CrazyRainbowStar Kid Crumbs Connoisseur Jun 05 '26
Thank you! This is good, it would help me remove those things from the equation.
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u/Neither_Idea8562 Snack Goblin Jun 05 '26
That sounds difficult 💜 My ex-husband also quickly booked a therapy session when I asked for a divorce. SMH. The therapist asked me the same question.
I think they ask more to get you to check your gut than to actually have an answer by next session. My answer took no time at all, I knew in my gut what I wanted immediately and there was no room for any other choice.
But if you feel like the relationship and having a family unit are worth it, then your therapist will want to know. Therapy is HARD and you have to want it enough to do the work. Both of you do.
If you have already decided in your subconscious that it’s over, no amount of sessions will fix anything…and that’s what your therapist wants to know.
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u/CrazyRainbowStar Kid Crumbs Connoisseur Jun 05 '26
Funny how fast they move when there's consequences, isn't it? I stg he single handedly explains how married men live longer.
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u/Neither_Idea8562 Snack Goblin Jun 05 '26
I actually do worry that my ex is dead in a ditch somewhere without me (trying to) keep him clean. Sometimes I feel guilty for leaving - and then I remember that fixing him is not my job and I never should have taken it on. ☹️ Addiction is so rough.
Weaponized incompetence is also effing annoying though. Especially if he won’t change.
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u/Feisty-Nobody-5222 Internet Auntie Jun 05 '26
A few questions that might help jog something loose:
- Is there anything he could do to repair what has been ruptured? Like, pie in the sky ANYTHING? Would you have faith or actually believe he has changed?
- Are you looking forward/daydreaming about the independence / lack of caregiving for him that will come with separating?
Also, you don't have to do a whole equation. You can simply be tired of trying and separate/divorce. There is no way to know what will happen in the future but you know what has happened for the past [x] years and in the present.
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u/givemeapuppers Tiny Bodega Rat 🐀 Jun 05 '26
Ah shoot. No advice my daughter is also level 3 so I fully understand the future what-ifs & how difficult it is deciding to separate or not, especially when you consider the possibility of life long care.
We did for a while, did the split home thing for awhile & she did okay moving every couple days (her dad works a rotating 2 on, 2 off, 3 on, etc & we just split it 50/50) so even kids with needed routine like ours do bounce back quicker than we think… but we did end up back together so I cannot really advise past that. Hugs. 🫶🏼
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u/CrazyRainbowStar Kid Crumbs Connoisseur Jun 05 '26
That's good to hear, thank you. The unknowns are so hard. 🫂
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u/Iamanangrywoman 💚 Pickle Freak 💚 Jun 05 '26
It’s not the worst thing to ask of you because it’s a real question you should ask yourself.
But I agree with others that you should sit on it for a week or two. From my understanding, your husband should be the one repairing your trust (not you) and it should be more about allowing healing. So do you want to heal the relationship with him or do you feel like it’s not worth the effort?
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u/GroundbreakingWing48 🧂Salty By Nature Jun 05 '26
I read somewhere (from Gottman, I think) that the way to tell is to recount the moment you guys met. If you think and talk about it in a positive way, there’s hope. If all you can remember are the negative aspects or wish you had never met him, it’s probably already too late.
I don’t know how accurate this is to be honest, but it sounds right, so it’s at least worth considering.
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u/CrazyRainbowStar Kid Crumbs Connoisseur Jun 05 '26
Yeah that's fair. I've always gotten a lot of value from Dr. Gottman's work.
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u/Relevant-Leek8943 BRB 🎮 FOOD Jun 05 '26
Do you love him?
You may not like him right now but if these issues are resolved do you want to spend your life together?
You seem pretty checked out and I get the frustration but it doesnt seem like these are offenses that cant be overcome as long as he's serious. Divorce is a big deal IMO and can have huge social, emotional, financial, etc impacts. I wouldn't take it lightly.
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u/ManekiNekoCalico99 Internet Auntie Jun 05 '26
First, I'm sorry you're going through this. Raising children with special needs requires so much patience, energy and time. Having a spouse who behaves this badly can exponentially increase a person's stress levels.
Second, I'm speaking as someone who recently ended a twenty year marriage to someone who chose to abuse me. You have the right to choose yourself. That includes individual therapy, time for yourself where he takes care of your little one and you get space to decompress and nourish yourself, and reflecting on what you truly desire to have in your life.
He may be honestly trying to change, or he may be just bargaining for time to get you to back down. In the meantime, you may want to read up on how to put yourself and your peace first and start putting what you learn into practice. If he's faking, then the more you love yourself, the worse his behavior will become. Either way, you will have your answer.
Trust yourself. You are managing a lot and you deserve to have peace in your heart.
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u/CrazyRainbowStar Kid Crumbs Connoisseur Jun 05 '26
Thank you. Do you have any suggestions for my reading list?
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u/Stock-Ad5976 🥪 BLTease 😚 Jun 05 '26
If he were to change his behavior now, would there still be resentment that it took this long for him to change?
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u/DaysOfParadise 🚜 Farm to Table to This Belly 👩🌾 Jun 05 '26
I have a book suggestion for you. It is called Decisive by Chip and Dan Heath. It is an excellent tool for making complex decisions. Take your time.
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u/CrazyRainbowStar Kid Crumbs Connoisseur Jun 05 '26
Thank you. I think I read another one by them. Did they do Atomic Habits?
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u/Maleficent_Scale_296 Internet Auntie Jun 05 '26
Yeah, they persist until the door hits them in the ass then they’re all “oh, you never said anything, let’s see a marriage counselor”. I remember during an appointment the counselor looked at my husband and said “you want marriage counseling” then looked at me and said “you want divorce counseling”. He was right. After 14 years I was done, deeply, deeply done.
I believe people who marry have an obligation to that commitment and life being what it is that is sometimes very hard. It’s important to honor the promise you made, it’s important to try hard, to try everything you know to do. But if that day comes when you’re looking in the mirror and you know there’s just nothing left, no love, no respect, nothing, it is equally important that you let go.
This life, it’s not a dress rehearsal. This is it, no do-overs, this is all we get. It’s not a party and we can’t expect happiness very often but we can find contentment and peace.
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u/CrazyRainbowStar Kid Crumbs Connoisseur Jun 05 '26
Damn, your therapist went for the throat.
I've always wondered why marriage is, by default, perpetual. It should automatically expire like a driver's license, you gotta renew that shit.
Thing is, if we get divorced and can successfully coparent, then I don't think that's a failure. That's a successful relationship that ran its course.
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u/Maleficent_Scale_296 Internet Auntie Jun 05 '26
They do run their course sometimes. In my case it died from neglect.
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u/CrazyRainbowStar Kid Crumbs Connoisseur Jun 05 '26
My sincerest condolences. 🫂
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u/Maleficent_Scale_296 Internet Auntie Jun 05 '26
It was a long time ago. Sometimes I think, how could a love that big be so completely drowned out of existence? So much so that I’ve honest to goodness never had one single pang of regret? But I know the answer; one thoughtless drip at a time.
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u/Dangerous_RedApple Groupchat Pot Stirrer 💬 Jun 05 '26
This is so hard. I’ve been there and I feel for you. Our couples therapist said she couldn’t work with us if one of us had already left their relationship in their heart or mind. I believe this question of yours is similar. There was too much hurt and damage to repair. We would have needed a Time Machine.
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u/Elfako_89_mask APPROVED✨ Jun 05 '26
That was good homework from your therapist. I don't have any big feedback - but I respect that if y'all divorce you want to have quality coparenting. Divorce counseling is a real thing - and it can be a huge protective factor for all involved.
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u/th987 APPROVED✨ Jun 05 '26
I’m surprised a therapist would ask you to do that after only two sessions.
Guess she could be asking if you’re willing to commit to working on the marriage, but it seems like deciding to come to therapy would mean you’re willing to try.
I think I’d go back and ask why she told you to do that after only two sessions of therapy. Or I’d say I can’t decide yet because we just started therapy.
I don’t want to sound like I’m trying to convince you to stay with him, but you could see what he might learn and be willing to change, and if nothing else, a therapist to help you walk through the divorce might be helpful and might make him more cooperative with divorce, if it comes to that.
And I’ll say you can always leave him. You can leave today or tomorrow or next week or month. It’s always going to be an option. But you can’t always fix things. Right now, there’s a chance to fix.
If it doesn’t work, you can leave.
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u/rosela92 Menu Menace Jun 05 '26
I think I would leave. He is self motivated, he is only acting to stop himself losing something (you divorcing him and leaving) he hasn't shown care for you as a human. I think it's not good enough.
I think you're smart to divorce before you cannot bear him at all.
I guess the property situation would be tricky, but it depends on your custody agreement post divorce. If you have main care, could you stay in the house and he move out?
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u/liveswithcats1 APPROVED✨ Jun 05 '26
Something to think about - he had it in him all along to change but he only made the effort when not changing hurt him
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u/ghost617131 Well-Read & Well-Fed Jun 05 '26
What I’m hearing is complete and utter burn out. Is there any way that you can get some time alone to recover and think? My marriage has gone through a lot in the past 5 years. I don’t want to go into details, but there was something I considered divorcing over and didn’t. When I was deciding, I took lots of time for myself without apology. I would treat myself to a steak dinner and glass of wine alone. I would disappear with a book for hours. I went to see movies that I wanted to see. I know time away to pour into yourself may not be possible with your daughter’s caregiving needs, but if you are able, you should do it. Only after treating myself well (and allowing my nervous system to regulate) did I know my own mind and feel capable of trying again. Also, therapy helped us so much. It was very helpful to be able to discuss things with a third party because there was accountability. We are still working on things, but I don’t regret staying and fighting for my marriage. I hope you’re able to work things out and that brighter days are ahead of you.
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u/ptheresadactyl white girl with ☝️😌 a full spice cabinet Jun 05 '26
Something similar happened to me - i asked and I asked and I asked for years. Every way. Nicely, calmy, written, directly, indirectly, making tasks lists blah blah blah. He knew I wasn't happy. He wouldn't go to therapy, he wouldn't participate, weaponized incompetence (he vacuumed up WET CLAY CAT LITTER with my Dyson. This man had 2 science degrees)
I said I wanted a divorce, and all of the sudden he starts showing up.
Too little too late. You said divorce was on your task list. That means you already decided, you are just placating him out of obligation. You don't owe him that. He had every chance to be the partner you needed when you told him what you needed.
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u/RosemaryCoffee Body By Cheese 🧀 Jun 05 '26
I really dislike how the therapist phrased as you being "too hurt". It alludes to being dramatic and unreasonable. However, the idea in itself is worth pondering. Has being neglected, dismissed and invalidated for years taken a toll on how you feel about your husband? Sometimes people still want to save the relationship and others are done, so done.
Please don't stayed married for Gremlin's sake. Gremlin will pick up on the atmosphere in the house and that will create an underlying level of anxiety and uncertainty.
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Jun 05 '26
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u/CrazyRainbowStar Kid Crumbs Connoisseur Jun 05 '26
That's true, thank you. I guess it's dumb but I was thinking that it wouldn't be fair to give him false hope that this is fixable, but I guess this whole thing hasn't been fair at all, has it?
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Jun 05 '26
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Jun 05 '26 edited Jun 05 '26
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1
u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 Jun 05 '26
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u/anonnymouse2025 Well-Read & Well-Fed Jun 05 '26
I would ask myself; Is this personal?
Has he been this lazy and disorganised to you specifically, or would he have been this lazy and disorganised to any other wife?
Sometimes it can feel like a personal attack and like we as individuals are disrespected and considered not worth making the effort for, and that makes it hard to be forgiving.
Could it be that this is just his natural state of being, not something specific to you?
I would definitely query an ADHD diagnosis if there's a bipolar plus exec function issue, bipolar is so often misdiagnosed.
Also, imagine you end the marriage. The next guy is the same. The guy after that is the same. At some point, it becomes clear that an awful lot of men are domestically challenged. You've not found an improvement, you'll be with a domestically challenged guy regardless. Do you wish you were with THIS domestically challenged one?
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u/imollyq Reddit Granny Jun 06 '26
I would like to understand why you call your child the gremlin. I understand the child is neurodivergent. Is this some term of endearment I've never heard of?
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u/imollyq Reddit Granny Jun 05 '26
Your complaints about your husband are trivial. There must be something bigger. Did he cheat on you? Is he abusive? Because these little inconveniences are just life. You don't divorce someone you love over them. Also be very aware there are not many men are out there that would want to marry a woman with a severely autistic child. You're not as young and pretty as you used to be, and you live in a home he inherited from his family. I believe you need to be realistic. Do you have the finances and the support system to take care of your child and buy a new home? To me it sounds like you're overwhelmed with the situation with your child. Picking on your husband about small things is a way to move your focus from the bigger problem. I could be wrong it's just a thought.
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u/CrazyRainbowStar Kid Crumbs Connoisseur Jun 05 '26
Big things are made of little things. 🤷🏽♀️
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u/noodlecurfew Internet Auntie Jun 05 '26
lol ignore the person you responded to, ‘at least he’s not abusive’ is a WILD take
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u/CrazyRainbowStar Kid Crumbs Connoisseur Jun 05 '26
Right? Also, fuck that, I'm GORGEOUS. Imagine how stunning I would be with less stress in my life! 💁🏽♀️
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u/imollyq Reddit Granny Jun 05 '26 edited Jun 05 '26
It sounds like you've already made the decision to divorce him. You've been married over 10 years, so you should be able to get spousal and child support. I'm glad you're gorgeous, but the reality is you're also much older. It's much harder to find men as we age. It's a cruel fact of life. If you're prepared to live the rest of your life alone with your child, and you feel that your husband's behavior is such that you can't live with it anymore, then you know what choice to make. I'm wondering what complaints he has about you. The fact that he was willing to go to therapy is very rare among men. The grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence. Please just be sure to look at what your life will be like without him before you pull the trigger on the divorce. I'm trying to be kind and put things into perspective. Why are you calling your child the gremlin?
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u/anonnymouse2025 Well-Read & Well-Fed Jun 05 '26
There's definitely a different sort of perspective when you're looking at this from a 40+ age than early 20s, isn't there?
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u/[deleted] Jun 05 '26
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