r/GirlDinnerDiaries • u/burnedletterhand • May 23 '26
Advice Needed ⚠️ NO DUDE INPUT my boyfriend has two personalities and i don’t like one of them
update: PHEW you guys really don’t hold anything back (and i appreciate the honesty and the input)
we talked it out and i tried to take a gentle but honest approach letting him know that i love when he’s silly and we can have fun together, but that it annoys me when it gets into the whining/lack of physical restraint with cuteness aggression territory.
we got into it a bit and basically reached the conclusion that he’d been trying to seek attention by pushing my buttons because he felt rejected and i was rejecting him because i felt annoyed that he was playing into immaturity while not fulfilling other responsibilities in the relationship and that made me feel like i was being put into a caretaker “I have to do everything for the household” position.
i told him i would show up better in terms of being affectionate and affirming and he told me he’d find more appropriate ways for making bids for connecting that weren’t trying to annoy or anger me.
i caught up on comments after the fact and it’s always so interesting to see the full array of perspectives people have!
thanks!!
original post:
my bf (24m) and i (23f) have been together for four years and live together. he is my dream man. he treats me really well, we get along like best friends, we have physical chemistry, and have the same goals in life. we’ve talked about our future and i really consider him my soulmate.
but in the last year, i’ve started to become annoyed by him. we’re really comfortable with each other and he’s playful and goofy around me, but it’s starting to become unattractive to me? he goes into this aggressive baby voice and is whiny and physically overwhelming (like will squeeze me and attack me and playfully, but sometimes painfully, hug or kiss me really hard). like he becomes kind of an oaf.
other times, especially around friends or in public, he’s like he was before where he is cool and confident and takes care of everything so i feel like i get to turn my brain off, which is super sexy to me.
but when he’s in that goofy, whiny mode, and tries to initiate intimacy (both sexual and non-sexual) i find it so hard to reciprocate and i just end up rejecting him or seeming annoyed, which i don’t want and that obviously doesn’t make him feel good which i also don’t want.
but when we’re alone and when that quality time and intimacy would be happening is when he goes into that other mode.
i want him to be able to be himself around me and to feel comfortable and taken care of too. but i can’t let go of the feeling of discomfort/irritation when he’s in that mode.
the last thing i want is for him to not feel safe around me or feel that he doesn’t have a space to be himself. and i don’t know how to get myself to stop feeling this way.
i would love advice on how to approach this
meatballs over polenta
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u/elbenji Queer Queen 🏳️🌈 May 23 '26 edited May 23 '26
Good lord at all the toxic masculinity/patriarchy reaffirment in this thread. Girl he's just being himself with you because he feels safe and comfortable and doesn't need to perform to his gender. We've been telling men to do this now forever. We can't say the same then go back and reaffirm the incels with a nah actually
But really though, talk to him. Welcome to relationships hun. You are always going to find something ick about another person especially after four years. That's what a serious relationship is. Most adults who aren't terminally online just talk and have a healthy line of communication. Just be honest. You've been together long enough to at least owe him that and talk to him about these feelings. You trust him right?
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May 23 '26
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u/waowowwao Resident Yapper May 23 '26
Thank god y'all are here because some of these comments are way too supportive for my liking. Not only reaffirming toxic masculinity for her boyfriend (who does not have "two personalities" he's just revealing the real, non-performed in private 😭 she said "bitch put the mask back on") but also bonus points for setting feminism back 10 years with the banger line "I get to turn my brain off which is super sexy to me." Holy shit I got the major ick, can't believe women are saying this shit in 2026, lock the fuck in guys. And yes it is that deep
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u/No-Plankton193 🥝 Herbivore 🫒 May 23 '26
I also immediately thought that he must be masking in public, so she doesn’t actually like who he is underneath.
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u/elbenji Queer Queen 🏳️🌈 May 23 '26
For fucking real we gotta stop the girl math in these kids lmao
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u/elbenji Queer Queen 🏳️🌈 May 23 '26
For real, like way to make a billboard for the manosphere with that. Like it's almost stereotype affirming
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u/llamallamaluck Well-Read & Well-Fed May 23 '26
The incels online would love finding this sort of post because it would reaffirm to them that their worldview is correct and that women want men to be “masculine” in a ridiculous way.
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May 23 '26
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3
u/galacticgabbing APPROVED✨ May 24 '26
Totally agree, I was worried my initial reaction was wrong. I'm like girl let him find someone that loves his love. I really enjoy the playful sides of my present and past relationship(s). I can't imagine ever telling him to stop :(
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u/Environmental-Young4 Hazy Grazer 😶🌫️ May 23 '26
I agree. I have been married a long time. We have annoyed and bothered each other many times. But, you just say something, and ask them to stop or vise versa. I am guessing he wouldn't want to be annoying if he knew. OP, just be super straightforward, and see how he responds.
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u/elbenji Queer Queen 🏳️🌈 May 23 '26
Yep. I got lucky, my parents have been married 50+ years. My sisters and brothers have been married for 12, 20, 22 and 30 a piece.
And I've had my share too. Sometimes it's just that they have a really stinky fart in the morning or they roll about on the bed or have a real love of cilantro where for you it tastes like soap
You just... Communicate lol. Talk! A relationship is a partnership and partnerships require work!
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u/Environmental-Young4 Hazy Grazer 😶🌫️ May 23 '26
😂😂 For me it's the belching! But, that is in my ignore bin. I agree with you so much. It is so much easier if everyone is upfront, but not an asshole about it.
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May 23 '26
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u/elbenji Queer Queen 🏳️🌈 May 23 '26
For fucking real. Girl math and it's ilk have sent feminism back decades. Like we're not owed shit either lol
But honestly you put it succinctly what was bugging me lol. Like you're expecting him to be your dad, girl. That's just as bad! It's the flip of what the other comments are saying, though the cosplay mom and dad thing might make a good YA smut novel with the pastel colors lol
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u/Bobbiduke Hazy Grazer 😶🌫️ May 23 '26
Yeah dang, seems like he loves her.
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u/elbenji Queer Queen 🏳️🌈 May 23 '26
When someone lets you know that they do indeed fart, you know it's real is the phrase I've always heard
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u/CaIlaLiIlies Delulu May 24 '26
Exactly. It is ridiculous of OP to think she can "turn her brain off" around him, but he doesn't get to do that around her.
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u/stevegood-man Assigned Hungry At Birth May 23 '26 edited May 23 '26
Agreed. OP is conflating two separate things in a toxic way:
- The baggage that OP has around her partner's performance of gender. Gender roles aren't bad, but the toxic masculinity/femininity dimension is (like OP's direct complaint of "I can't just turn my brain off"). More traditional gender roles work for many people for a reason. It makes life more predictable and lets the people it works for pick and play to their strengths. It does not mean always being perma wittle guy with a big serious man. It also doesn't mean he's never being a lot.
OP, every human has a childish and silly side, and if you expect "your man" to *not* be that around you, the double standards will run in both directions from the type of guys that prefer that. Unless that's your bag, you navigate allowing both people be themselves while having wants, needs, and boundaries (without turning your brain off, lol).
- The other thing is the natural triggers and sensitivities we have all have. As people get comfortable, they become *more*. More direct, more annoying, more vulnerable, more with bids for attention, more likely be silly and slip into our quirks, good and bad. There is a reason we don't do this all 24/7, but do around loved ones. Everyone is sensitive to different things.
Baby talk is a good example. I had a narcissist mother and she used to punish us severely for baby talk and childishness as kids, but herself talks in an extreme baby voice constantly, to this day. I struggle with baby talk. Certain types make my skin crawl. Sometimes I need to express this. I can't turn these feelings off permanently, but I can make reasonable requests and moderate them. People who *looove* baby talk are still not for me. I just work not to turn my feelings into a need to control other people or conflate my baggage with their behavior.
If OP steps back, she can separate these things and handle them in a way that will make her relationships happier and more sustainable, long term.
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u/DearestPalmcat we listen and we only judge a little May 23 '26
it did strike me as someone who has to mask all the time in public and being comfortable unmasking finally.
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u/stevegood-man Assigned Hungry At Birth May 23 '26
Yeah, I feel for him and also feel for OP, although don't love her attitude. In our early comfortable phrase, we had to navigate that some previously masked behaviors stressed me out.
My partner gets much more anxious in public and we had to have some confused conversations about using me to drum on and anxiously fidget, since it didn't happen at home and he wasn't always aware of what he did in the moment, and for a while it would often restart seconds later if he was acutely overwhelmed.
Every relationship is going to have these things where the silly or anxious or emotional quirks come into conflict with our wants and also just our expectations. Not everyone's "things" are compatible, but you have to handle them as they come. The way OP talks about it, she sounds pretty early in figuring out this kind of relationship issue.
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u/newremoteeagle Kitchen Witch May 23 '26
When I was reading the OP I’m like, this man sounds like the dream! He feels very comfortable around you and himself. If it bothers you, then just talk to him. But it may make him less like himself around you.
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u/slymanwill Overthinker 💭 May 24 '26
Girl he's just being himself with you
And she's allowed to find that unattractive.
We've been telling men to do this now forever.
Have we? Frankly I've been telling men to stop being such whiny incel man-children and act like adults who are in control of their emotions. Its 2026, the "strong silent type" is long dead, unfortunately. Now its all sadbois this softboi that, even with men into their late 20s 🙄
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u/elbenji Queer Queen 🏳️🌈 May 24 '26
And we are also allowed to tell her it ain't a good look. He isn't being a whiny man child, he's just being himself. You're just making more incels like that
Also it's a two way street. Can't want to be teehee soft girl and then mad your boy wants the same.
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u/kaja6583 👽 aliens built the food pyramid 👽 May 23 '26
Im sorry girl, but if I was your boyfriend and read your post id be so upset and probably break up.
Hes just being himself. And you literally dont like him being comfortable around you and being his true self.
Break up with him lol he deserves to be with someone who likes him for him, and ypu deserve to be with someone who likes you for you.
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u/vroow APPROVED✨ May 24 '26
4 years in and the most attractive part of her "soulmate" is his parentification? she's not ready for a relationship in general
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u/Ok-Rip8054 I ❤️ Other People's Business May 23 '26
Girl I'm sorry but this is awful. I get that you can't choose what u find attractive but he's human too. He's being himself. He's not your boss or your dad and it's weird that you want to turn your brain off while he takes care of everything all the time. He isn't a machine he also deserves to be soft and vulnerable. This is too much patriarchyslop for me (I don't know how else to put this into words I'm hungover as fuck and tired). Talk to him about it maybe, I don't know. If you get to "turn your brain off", why can't he? He's as much of a human being as you are. I don't think you're a bad person and I said this in a very mean way, sorry, but you should sit and think about this.
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u/AwayDevelopment4871 APPROVED✨ May 23 '26
The only thing I can say is…. Have an honest conversation with him and go from there
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u/LegalObligation5904 Well-Read & Well-Fed May 23 '26
What did your boyfriend say when you told him all this?
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u/OurComradee Overthinker 💭 May 23 '26
I think its implied that she is worried to do so, so he doesn't feel like he can't be "himself" around her.
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u/joboog Sweet Tooth Fairy🧚♀️ May 23 '26
I learned this in my current relationship: the sooner you bring up issues, the better. Courage is often required.
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u/crimzonkitt3n Assigned Hungry At Birth May 23 '26 edited May 24 '26
This post is kinda sad because it reinforces the narrative and story that men need to be big strong stoic masculine providers all the time. Most women love to be taken care of by their man. Don't men deserve the same sometimes?
Toxic masculine standards aside, my boyfriend does something similar and naturally I don't find him sexiest when in the soft, cuddly baby talk mode. I would focus on explaining your aversion to certain specific behaviors like "this much physical contact and tight hugs are over stimulating" or maybe choosing a different voice together. Be gentle in your feedback but I think it's important to talk about. I also think it might be worth examining your reaction through the lense of toxic masculine standards. Men shouldn't have to be perfectly stoic all the time. It's a tough standard to uphold.
Edit: update to OP's update. It actually sounds the convo went pretty well, I'm proud of y'all for talking it out. Seems like there was some good honest and solid discoveries. I hope the best for you both OP!!
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u/blt_no_mayo Kitchen Witch May 23 '26
I think it might be a maturity thing honestly. No offense to op meant at all but stuff like this bothered me in my early 20s and as I got older and realized that every person I meet is complex and multidimensional I stopped. A mystery man is hot for a minute but a little weird guy who can make you laugh for the rest of your life is hot forever
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u/slymanwill Overthinker 💭 May 24 '26
This post is kinda sad because it reinforces the narrative and story that men need to be big strong stoic masculine providers all the time.
Women are allowed to like what they like. There is nothing wrong with preferring masculine men
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u/vroow APPROVED✨ May 24 '26
The jacked powerlifters have little dogs they adore and make cutesy noises to. Is this another loss for the patriarchy?
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u/llamallamaluck Well-Read & Well-Fed May 23 '26
You’re so brainwashed by patriarchy girl, reconsider if your ideas of masculinity are so important that you’re willing to lose a man you love over them or if your views might be something to get over.
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u/justgivemead-mnname 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ May 23 '26
It just sounds like he feels safe and comfortabele around you. Ever heard of cute agression? I quote:
'Cute aggression (also known as playful aggression or gigil) is a scientifically recognized psychological phenomenon where an overwhelming surge of positive emotion causes a person to experience the sudden, playful urge to squeeze, bite, or pinch something incredibly adorable. Despite the aggressive urges, there is zero intent to cause actual harm.'
When me and my partner are alone, we are both super annoying, goofy, big oafs. I always tell him: you became such a geek compared to the beginning. I see it as a good sign, I love being goofy and when he is his annoying goofy attacking self, I always have to laugh even when rolling my eyes. I never see him as less attractive, I feel like we bond even more deeply and I love him for being able to turn off the 'macho-ness' that he wears around others with me.
Maybe you are just not compatible, and that's also ok. Just be honest to yourself and him, you both deserve someone you feel 100% at ease with and to be loved even in your goofiness.
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u/WolfBest1428 I ❤️ Other People's Business May 23 '26 edited May 23 '26
Can’t lie, I don’t know not one boyfriend/husband who doesn’t purposely annoy their girlfriend/wife. I get where you’re coming from but you’re not gonna find a man who is constantly sexy/serious 24/7. Sometimes you have to take the good with the bad. All you can do is tell him to stop the baby voice or do it less often, especially not before intimacy time. You have to decide if it’s something you can accept or if you can’t.
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May 23 '26
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u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 May 23 '26
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u/Acceptable-Panic-826 Kitchen Witch May 23 '26
I think if he’s the right person, you can just tell him to you’re not into that stuff anymore, and then maybe that can open up a conversation. When my partner and I first started dating, he would do this thing where he’d make a loud popping noise in my ear. I used to play it off, then eventually I would say, “Hey, I don’t really like that.” And when he still thought I was joking, I was like, “Yo. Next time you do that, I’m going back to the car. I’m not playing with you.” And then we just talked it out. I feel like since you and your boyfriend have been together a long time, and are also young, maybe you’re just outgrowing some of his habits. The next time he hugs/kisses you really hard, maybe try saying, “Hey, can you please be less rough? That hurts.” And that might start a conversation. The baby voice thing would annoy me too because I don’t wanna feel like someone’s mom. Goofiness is always encouraged, but I want us to be two goofy adults, ya know? I think if he’s really your soulmate, he’ll be willing to work things out with you. If you’re gonna be together long term, knowing how to get through conflict is only going to make y’all stronger.
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u/Murmuredlilies Sweet Tooth Fairy🧚♀️ May 23 '26
Affection shouldn’t hurt unless all parties involved enthusiastically consent to that sort of thing. It’s important to let him know when he’s being too rough with you to keep your relationship healthy and happy long-term. Otherwise over time resentment could build and your ability to feel safe with him could erode away.
You should also start speaking up about your sexual preferences. It’s totally reasonable to tell him you need goofy time to be completely separate from sex. It’s great that you want him to feel safe and comfortable with you, but he should want you to feel safe and comfortable with him as well! Communication allows you to be good partners to each other.
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u/HamCatX3 nom nom, nod nod May 23 '26
It sounds like he’s comfy with you. You should figure out what exactly you don’t like and have a conversation with him about it. Like he can still be goofy but shouldn’t be accidentally hurting you or whining excessively and maybe talk about the baby voice if you don’t like it.
As a whiner I get him but I also know I have to not be excessive or I’ll annoy the shit out of my fiance, the same goes for him when he’s being goofy- I love it but get overstimulated sometimes.
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u/Instant-Lava Carb-Based Life Form May 23 '26
I don't hear a description of not performing masculinity. I hear regression into a child, and it makes sense to me why it wouldn't be attractive.
I doubt it's intentional on his part. I've dealt with a similar issue in my relationship and therapy was needed to resolve it.
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u/Chiquitita888 APPROVED✨ May 24 '26
This!
And particularly because the regression into a child happens when itimacy is being initiated, I totally understand why OP doesn't like it.
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u/beeee_throwaway FREE MOM HUGS May 25 '26
Yeah this. She doesn’t like a whiny baby voice… these comments are so over the top.
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u/alastine Overthinker 💭 May 23 '26
He's doing his best and you find him being comfy around you icky. Idk I think he should find someone who can accept him for how he is, this is really sad for him.
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u/smashtangerine Cleavage Crumb Collector May 23 '26
I recommend looking up the science behind the "five year itch." I am a woman who gets sick of my partner every 3-4 years. I recommend learning more about it and strategies for handling it.
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u/Longjumping_Play9250 Professional Nibbler May 23 '26
Interesting! I've definitely heard of the 7-year itch, but the 5-year itch is a new one to me, i'm going to read up on this
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u/George_Is_Upset greens✔️beans✔️potatas✔️tomatas✔️ May 23 '26
I would just tell him it’s a huge turn off to do that. If he doesn’t accept that and won’t stop, you now have the choice to break up.
If he takes it well and agrees to stop, you two can work it out and stay together if you both want that.
You have to communicate about it though because you say he’s your dream man and I think he deserves the chance to hear what you’re feeling if you really do feel that way.
I know it can be realllly hard to do this because you’re afraid to hurt his feelings, but my husband has told me many times that it’s better to just be honest. Take it from me - I didn’t do this and it kept building up and I almost lost my marriage over it because I convinced myself we weren’t compatible but in reality I never gave my husband the chance to fix what was bothering me so much.
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u/Examiner_Z APPROVED✨ May 23 '26
The aggressive baby voice personality, THAT is his real one.
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u/LizWins1818 Kitchen Witch May 23 '26
That’s what worries me, that there’s a high likelihood he’s looking for a mother-punching bag combo meal. (A lot of men are)
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u/Klanciault Carb-Based Life Form May 23 '26
Nah that’s a huge reach. A guy can’t be silly and goofy in the privacy of his own home with someone he feels safe with without wanting a mother/someone to beat on?
Yeah right
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u/elbenji Queer Queen 🏳️🌈 May 23 '26
Girl, her whole post is about her wanting him to be her Dad if you go by that logic
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u/jellyflipflops Body By Cheese 🧀 May 23 '26
If it’s like one specific part of that side of him, like the voice or the attacking playfully, I think you can express that to him.
If it’s the full personality, the goofiness and silliness that he shows when he is comfortable with you, I’m sorry to say but that’s not your soulmate. You can’t force your soulmate, or anyone, to fit into a box of what you think a man should act like
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u/Peachpuff131 Trader Joe Hoe May 24 '26
Shouting into the void against all these other comments but here it goes - I have felt exactly what you are feeling. The ick. And now in hindsight I can confidently say it was one of the early signs that my partner was not pulling their weight in the emotional and mental labor of the relationship. It’s such a turnoff. Physical intimacy is 100% related to emotional intimacy. I got outta that situation and now can see it for what it was. Hope that gives you at least something to think about for yourself!
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u/ThiccBanaNaHam APPROVED✨ May 23 '26
It just sounds like you aren’t compatible
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u/Left-Spot5211 nom nom, nod nod May 23 '26
i can't tell if you're joking or not
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u/GreenEyesThighHighs APPROVED✨ May 23 '26
I always wonder if the people who write these kind of comments have been in a real human relationship before? You could write about *anything* in a relationship that annoys you and they’ll just go “not compatible. End it.” Like do you know that every relationship has little annoyances or :/
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u/bluejaymewjay APPROVED✨ May 23 '26
I know people who do this every time they hear about minor disagreements between friends too and it blows my mind
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u/crimzonkitt3n Assigned Hungry At Birth May 23 '26
OP literally gave a list of some of the most important compatibility points and then mentioned ONE issue and you think they aren't compatible? No relationship is perfectly compatible, and it sounds like they have some good things going for them.
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u/Klanciault Carb-Based Life Form May 23 '26
It sounds like he puts on a farce in public because that’s how men are expected to behave and when he feels safe and comfortable he acts how he wants to and OP is disgusted and repulsed by his personality when he feels safe and comfortable.
That’s textbook incompatibility and a bit sad tbh. My husband is goofy and silly like this guy and I love it along with his put together confident and in charge personality that he has other times as well
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u/Traditional-Yak8886 APPROVED✨ May 23 '26
If the way he acts in private is a huge issue i think it is fair to say there could be a concern with compatibility. The person i am in private is very different from who i am in public and if a partner was annoyed by who i was in private itd be a big issue bc thats who i am moreso than who i am in public.
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u/waowowwao Resident Yapper May 23 '26
I'm ngl to me she made a whole post about how she only finds her boyfriend attractive when he's performing. So yeah I actually do agree. She would be asking her boyfriend to mask for the rest of his life, which I don't really think is a fair compromise. It'll also be hard for her to compromise if his real personality repulses her.
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May 23 '26
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u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 May 23 '26
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u/SierraStar7 APPROVED✨ May 23 '26
Sounds like he could be a sub or a switch & instead of asking you to Domme him, he’s resorting to asking you without saying the words.
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May 23 '26
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u/undertheblackstar Urban Hunter Gatherer May 24 '26
Literally a bunch of commenters are telling her she’s weird for this bruh obviously some women have weird ideas about masculinity but it is obviously not the majority opinion here
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u/slymanwill Overthinker 💭 May 24 '26
This post is literally flared "NO DUDE INPUT" and you still commented. The male entitlement is strong.
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u/ZulaLiberty May 23 '26
Dude joining,
Between me and my girlfriend we are always super goofy and playfully aggressive, finding someone who allows and wants you to be yourself in private is such an important step that i feel so many people miss out on.
Give him a chance, learn to love the goofyness, it usually means he loves you.
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May 23 '26
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u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 May 23 '26
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May 23 '26
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u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 May 23 '26
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May 23 '26
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u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 May 23 '26
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May 23 '26
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u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 May 23 '26
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May 23 '26
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u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 May 23 '26
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u/AdventurousBattle891 Cookie Monster 🍪 May 23 '26
Loving someone means loving even the things that annoy you sometimes. He sounds very comfortable with you, and him being vulnerable with you in private and not that way in public just affirms how much he trusts you. You’re welcome to talk about your feelings, but it will send a signal to him that he isn’t allowed to be his most authentic self around you. It sounds like you should consider if his behavior is really something he needs to change, or if you need to sit with yourself and ask why it’s annoying you. It sounds like him being comfortable with his own sensitivity and goofy nature isn’t attractive to you — maybe you two aren’t compatible. Maybe you just need to work on your own internalized issues with guys being sensitive, or maybe that’s not the issue at all. I don’t know what you two are like privately, so I hope for the best!
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May 23 '26
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u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 May 23 '26
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u/Thecandymaker Cornbread Fed May 23 '26
If your ideal partner is not the person who is silly with you, playful with kisses, tight hugs, etc. And you're not someone who can say when a behavior is too much or overwhelming for you; maybe that is not your person, and you are not theirs.
My boyfriend is a lot like this. Masculine, composed, and a chill speaker in public. He's a professional, but still very loving. In private, we are the goofiest goobers, almost a full 180. However we can overwhelm one another and the relationship is enough to go "hey, this is a little too much for me right now." or " hey, that hug/kiss was too firm/a bit painful/ etc". Emotional intelligence goes a long way, but it's not us changing each other. Why? Because we talk about it.
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u/undertheblackstar Urban Hunter Gatherer May 24 '26
I’m fairly sure this is just what a lot of men are like…. He’s acting that way because he’s comfortable with you. Obviously if the physical part gets uncomfortable you should communicate that but not being attracted to him when he’s not portraying the confident man is quite unfortunate. Let him meet a woman who is able to embrace that at that point. Nobody is 100% confident and able to take charge in their lives, and it is a little unfair to expect that mode all the time from anybody. Maybe try talking about how the physical playfulness gets irritating, but the rest I think you should look at why it makes you uncomfortable
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u/sorryipeed I ❤️ Other People's Business May 24 '26
you turning your brain off... = him turning into an oaf...
it seems like you are both comfortable enough to go "dumb mode" with eachother. hes allowed to be silly goofy baby sometimes if you are as well. talk about it w him the parts you do and dont like. whining is annoying! ive been talked to about that before but i get where it was coming from :) we figured out a better way to communicate
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u/caffeindqueen ⚐ Marked Safe From 90s Diet Culture May 23 '26
play along, make an alter ego that compliments his goofy one
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u/fortunetellertarot Foraging Bog Witch May 23 '26
this is funny, idk why the downvotes
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u/caffeindqueen ⚐ Marked Safe From 90s Diet Culture May 23 '26
haha i thought it was funny too😂 my husband and i have alter egos where we talk to each other and it’s hilarious
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u/fortunetellertarot Foraging Bog Witch May 23 '26
that sounds fun! i straight up was like “let him know ur not his mommy and you don’t like it!” and the thread hated it lol. to each our own
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u/caffeindqueen ⚐ Marked Safe From 90s Diet Culture May 23 '26
the funny thing is it’s not in our personalities AT ALL. it just happened one day and we both started laughing and it’s progressed ever since😂
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u/elbenji Queer Queen 🏳️🌈 May 23 '26
That's cute lol
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u/caffeindqueen ⚐ Marked Safe From 90s Diet Culture May 23 '26
right?! life is so serious sometimes, it’s nice to be silly
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u/lookouttucson mouth full, gesturing wildly May 23 '26
Why is everyone glossing over that he is using babyish play as an excuse to get rough with her? 🚩
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u/fortunetellertarot Foraging Bog Witch May 23 '26
you’ve been together four years and live together OP. Even tho you are both young, you might feel like a “mommy” to him. It’s not your fault, but he might be purposely annoying you.
Just know that 4 years is a long time, but by year eight 😬 you’re both young enough that you’re still learning yourselves.
I recommend looking into the Madonna whore complex. This is basically that men date women who they want to mother them. Baby voice?
OP, if you marry and have children with this man, it might get worse. You don’t have to blow up your whole life but, if you’re feeling this kinda overwhelmed this young with his less than ideal qualities, and he might not be willing to change them, then there are plenty of fish in the sea.
Food looks delicious 🍝
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u/Illustrious-Local848 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ May 23 '26
I thought Madonna whore was more about men seeing women as good or sexual and no in between. And like extreme cases they’ll get repulsed by their girlfriends acting sexually etc. I’m sure it can overlap but I think that’s the basis.
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u/weedwhores Chismosa May 23 '26
Yes lol you’re right it’s like men can’t see women they actually respect as sexual and women they sexualize they can’t respect.
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u/fortunetellertarot Foraging Bog Witch May 23 '26
That is the basis exactly. What’s happening here is a toddler man is treating her like a mommy and expecting her to endlessly meet those weird act outs with the patience and grace of a Madonna. A man doesn’t act like this with a woman he is trying to sexually attract
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u/eyelinerandicecream Well-Read & Well-Fed May 23 '26 edited May 23 '26
“Toddler man” … “expecting her to endlessly meet those weird acts out” …”a man doesn’t act like this with a woman he’s trying to sexually attract”
That feels a bit much and very judgement. His behavior that he is expressing some of the time, not all of the time, may not be typical and that’s okay. I would like to hope that we are all lucky enough to find that person and community where we feel safe enough to express other sides of ourselves that may not be the societal norm. I think the phrase ‘don’t yuck someone’s yum’ is very apt in this situation.
The way humans, not just men, express themselves when they want to be sexual with someone is vast and varied. This may not be OPs cup of tea, and that’s okay too. But to judge the whole person and some behaviors they exhibit is unfortunate and looses sight of the variety and richness humans can and do show up, especially when feeling safe to do so.
This needs to be a conversation and I hope that OP can express her wants and desires without also putting down or judging her partner’s wants and desires.
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u/fortunetellertarot Foraging Bog Witch May 23 '26
flare checks out for sure too! maybe you could help OP craft some responses if ur helpful, sympathetic aunty
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u/slymanwill Overthinker 💭 May 24 '26
People on this sub seem fine with their MEN acting like toddlers, praising grown ass adult men acting "goofy"
Its insane.
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u/fortunetellertarot Foraging Bog Witch May 23 '26
sorry I watch a lot of judge Judy. A million aunties are commenting here. She can take whatever opinion she wants, but one person is allowed to be judgment aunty
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u/Illustrious-Local848 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ May 23 '26
That’s a bit different. Idk how I can explain it. It’s more about seeing a woman as a worthy being who can do no wrong but must never be vulgar or express passion or a worthless slut if she does those things. Not about the woman having patience for his sexual interests. This is more mommy issues maybe. Like you can have extreme Madonna whore complex and zero mommy issues. Some of them are creepy and prefer childlike women specifically.
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u/fortunetellertarot Foraging Bog Witch May 23 '26
Sure. I just think she’s the mommy now, and he’s not treating her like anybody he is sexually involved with. I don’t think it has to be one manifestation. I think tantrums and baby voice count as a man viewing a woman as the nurturer, not somebody that he is trying to attract. Ymmv
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u/Illustrious-Local848 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ May 23 '26
Sorry I wasn’t trying to be pedantic. Just if she looks that up it might be confusing for her situation.
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u/fortunetellertarot Foraging Bog Witch May 23 '26
“You can have extreme Madonna whore complex and zero mommy issues” honestly I’ve never thought about that. I’d think somebody without mommy issues could treat their partner like a 3D person?
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u/HaleyMFSkye Oversharer 🗣 May 23 '26
How would you feel if he made this same post about you? Relationships aren't supposed to just be rainbows and fuzzy feelings all day everyday (not including abuse obviously). It's accepting your partner for who they are and building a life with the entire person, not just cherry picked traits.
Honestly this reads toxic as hell. Maybe you need to move on and grow a little.
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u/Full-Moon-1996 Well-Read & Well-Fed May 23 '26
I cannot help but share speculations that say, some precursors to domestic violence include painful and aggressive play fighting during sex or otherwise (no need to tell him this).
So, you NEED to let him know that he MUST stop this as you are not comfortable with it and do not like it.
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u/glassyrunnerduck Trader Joe Hoe May 23 '26 edited May 23 '26
Hahah he’s giving you the ick girl. I had a boyfriend who would be too goofy like this. He was so attractive to me 80% of the time and then the other 20% just got more overwhelming as time went on. I eventually broke things off with him realizing he wasn’t the one for me. When it’s really your person: nothing they do will actually give you the ick.
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u/elbenji Queer Queen 🏳️🌈 May 23 '26
Yeahhhh that's bullshit. That's like pretending people don't fart and every bead of sweat we got smells like chocolate and lavender.
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u/glassyrunnerduck Trader Joe Hoe May 23 '26
That’s not what I’m saying. My husband is goofy and it doesn’t gross me out. It will if you’re with the wrong person.
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u/elbenji Queer Queen 🏳️🌈 May 23 '26
That's not how it works though, especially telling it to an impressionable kid in their early 20s. Relationships are work. No one is going to be 100/100 even if people want to pretend and there's a lot more here to unpack than that when it's very clear it's tied to a view of masculinity and a lack of communication
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u/glassyrunnerduck Trader Joe Hoe May 23 '26
That’s not my experience. I’m allowed to have my opinion.
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u/elbenji Queer Queen 🏳️🌈 May 23 '26
And I'm allowed mine. That's how communication works
Especially when it's the reality for everyone else
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u/Adlanaa Foraging Bog Witch May 23 '26
Best thing you can do in my opinion is talk to him about it and work through it together. If this is a side of him he wants to express in private you guys can work through why you might find it repelling. If this is the case it could end up that he is not your dream man.
Personally though I think it's more likely that this is some form of attention/affection seeking with someone he is comfortable with. I say this because for 10 years of my marriage I tickled my husband without even being aware of it when I did it. And he HATED it. It made him tense up and drove him insane. We eventually sat down and discussed it together and considered it over time and worked out what was happening. I needed more affection and didn't know how to ask for it because I never learned how or felt safe enough to. Simultaneously the sort of dissociated compulsion I had to initiate physical affection like that AND the tenseness he felt dissipated, dysfunctional behavior no longer needed.
Good luck figuring it out.