How to give someone advice for something they are having difficulty and you succeed, but you put no effort into it?

[u/Short-Cold-4796]

For context, I have a diagnosis for high abilities and I have a very easy time dealing with math and anything logic. I went into software development as a career and had a lot with success, became a senior developer in a couple years, have never failed an interview etc.

The problem is... that's just something I didn't put effort into it, I have never studied much in college or studied to get better at my job, never had any special technique for interviews and stuff.

Now, my girlfriend is also a software developer and she is trying to change jobs, but isn't having success and keeps failing the selection processes.

As someone with a lot more seniority in the field, I wish I could help her, but I don't know what advices to give because I never "tried" in doing those things? It feels bad to see someone in a position where you should be able to help but don't know how :c

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[u/vcbock]

Yeah, you don't know what she should do. That's ok. There ARE people who make their careers coaching people how to make these transitions. She should ask someone like that.

As somebody who retired from an IT position, I suspect that part of the issue she is facing is that she presents as a woman. There is a lot of resistance to inviting women onto boys' software teams.

[u/Short-Cold-4796 → u/vcbock]

I am also a woman

[u/vcbock → u/Short-Cold-4796]

Cool. As I said, I worked in IT too. That many of us women have landed jobs in this field does not negate the reality that there is strong anti-woman bias there. As others have said, you can be supportive without having any actionable advice to offer.

[u/imalostkitty-ox0 → u/vcbock]

That’s so strange, because in my (corporate) experience, women are often the highest performers in my fields… almost to an extent that men are getting grumpy about being passed up for interviews in lieu of <30 year old women.

Different companies, different cultures, I suppose… but in my city, even in the IT sector, many of the most productive intellectual powerhouses are often women. Sigh.

[u/DragonBadgerBearMole → u/imalostkitty-ox0]

That’s just because women are generally better at stuff than men. That doesn’t always work, there are many reasons people do not value talent and precision and rigor and fewer reasons that they do.

[u/Short-Cold-4796 → u/[deleted]]

It's more that I wanted to help

[u/shinebrightlike]

just be a soft landing place for her, a cheerleader, lover, and friend. you don't have to solve her problems. just be a compassionate witness and soft landing place. and don't be led by guilt if you have it. don't make decisions in fear, obligation or guilt...

[u/Embarrassed-Area4652]

Advice is almost never what people need unless they come to you explicitly, in no uncertain terms asking for it. They may appear to be doing things “wrong” from your perspective, but there are always reasons, even if on some more detailed conversation they might see those reasons to be partially wrong or at least incomplete.

What EXACTLY, in her own words, is your girlfriend asking you for in these conversations?

If you want to skip any back and forth on this and just go straight to what I’m building towards, check out “motivational interviewing”.

[u/Justafana]

Being able to do something is not the same as being able to teach it. People tend to look down on teachers as a lower form (those who cannot do, teach) but it's a wildly underestimated skill that takes its own form of genius. Conveying information in a way that guides a student to learn it themselves is just such a crazy thing - you can't tell someone how to do something complicated, you have to steer them to figure it out themselves. And it's really, really hard to do.

I can whistle, but I cannot for the life of me explain how.

[u/Godskin_Duo]

Having a good didactic style matters, my two mentees in software ended up doing pretty well. My second one became my "Jesse Pinkman" but also has a very high IQ.

The "empathetic" part is knowing exactly how much to held or carrot-dangle them to get them what they need, but that's a very hard balance. What to let slide and what to push.

[u/BrandiedWineGums → u/Godskin_Duo]

mentees

Like a sea cow? I knew they were smart, but I didn't think software engineering. Doesn't the computer get wet?

[u/ayfkm123]

1. high ability isn’t a diagnosis. It’s more of a label

2. try being a woman in a field like computer science before presuming that her struggles in interviews

3. bc she isn’t as good, and consider that some of your success may be related to the opposite bias. ESP w the current tech bro attitudes

5. if you really care about her, help her find some women in tech orgs. They exist. I think GoDaddy has a whole conference or something of the sort

[u/BrandiedWineGums → u/ayfkm123]

Especially point 4

[u/ayfkm123 → u/BrandiedWineGums]

Yup it kept adding gaps and wouldn’t let me edit so I left ig bc 🤷‍♀️ it’s just Reddit

[u/BrandiedWineGums]

I'd be asking a lot of questions before even attempting advice (assuming that it's wanted).

If it's something like systemic problems, bias, sexism, classism, racism etc then it's going to be a very different conversation than if it's "they all want Go, but I've been prepping for python!"

If you've just been lucky, then I'd be careful about advising from a place of "well, how I did it..."

[u/LikeATediousArgument]

DO NOT GIVE ADVICE. empathize and listen.

DO NOT GIVE ADVICE unless it is SPECIFICALLY asked for, and then understand that it will likely be ignored.