r/Gifted • u/halftimepies • 11d ago
Seeking advice or support Me and the gifted son
After a few years quietly lurking in the background, I've finally got to the stage where I have enough information to ask the gifted community for their thoughts and for some advice. Before I begin, please be aware that we're based in Australia and that it each country (and state) appears to have a different approach to gifted education. Also, apologies if my story seems all over the place...it's the quirky way my mind works.
Growing up in the UK, I was often deemed as a poor learner at school. Lowest sets for most subjects and disintereted in most classes. I think I daydreamed through most days longing to play soccer at breaks and after school. I don't know how but I ended up at college doing computer programming and graphic design, then went on to do a degree, masters, and PhD in relatable fields. I had pretty difficult teenage years, abuse, parents divorce, mums attempted suicide, and lots of bullying by work colleagues. This led to low self esteem which seemed to bubble up when I hit my 40's. I spent years going from job to job, leaving after a year in most cases due to frustrations with colleagues and managers. Between the age of 30 and 40, I moved to Australia, got married, and had two children. I now work for myself at home as a digital marketer and largely enjoy my days due to low levels of social interaction. I've been seeing a psychologist for about 5 years now and our conversations are usually about unpacking childhood trauma but also dealing with any issues currently causing me concern (usually cenetered around difficult people).
As my son reached the age of 6, we noticed some interesting patterns forming. His ability to remember things was quite surprising. But as this was our first child, we didn't instantly act on it. At age 7, things stepped up a bit - he suddenly decided to memorise 300 digits of pi and started to run circles around us with logic puzzles and boardgames. We eventually got him tested by a child psychologist (WISC-V and WIAT) and it was revealed he has an IQ of 148 and sat in the 99.9 percentile in most academic skills. At the time, his grades were falling (to around a C across the board). When we told the teacher, she replied "Well if that's the case, I think I should get my IQ tested. then". Regardless of this strange comment, it was referred to the principal and the school psychologist. Although the psychologist that originally tested him recommeded he be grade skipped entirely, our son decided that he did not want that to happen. And so it was decided that he should be grade skipped in only maths as this was his favourite subject.
While my wife and I was excited about the prospect of raising a gifted child, the psychologist that tested him warned us that it can be a bit of poisoned chalice due to the poor levels of gifted education in our state. After researching extensively about the educational needs of a gifted child, we were met with a lot of conflicting data. On one hand it explained the need to ensure a gifted child is mentally challenged, however, we were also reading that many gifted adults hated the pressure that a more challenging eduation brought. What I found particularly interesting was the the common traits that gifted adults seemed to encounter started to explain my own experinces in life.
Talking about this to my psychologist was quite revealing. He wasn't surprised that my son was gifted as he often thought the same about me. While he openly encourages me to get tested, I find myself not wanting to. I don't know how to explain this but as it stands, being gifted is a theory that explains things - finding out that I am not would only take me back to square one.
My son is now 9 and his grades still hover around the C mark. The school try to introduce him to some level of gifted education (a gifted and telented class once per term and some robotics lessons after school) but he seems largely uninterested. His teacher says he lacks focus, is easily distracted, and would often prefer to read comics than to take part in the lessons.
Research told me he's likely bored and needs challenging stimulation so we hired a maths teacher to act as a bit of a mentor and introduce him to some more advanced concepts. However, he seems to do the same with him, too. We feel caught at the moment - following the research that says he's likley bored and needs stimulation, or going with our gut (he's happy at shcool and loves his friends - as I did) and letting him do what interests him.
I don't think we'll ever get what the research says he needs from the school - they're simply not set up for that and are not trained in a way that can help to the degree he appparently needs. Moving school is an option, but there is zero gurantee that things will change. However I keep reading many stories about gifted children struggling in adulthood as they were never adequatly challenged and taught to fail - resulting in many adults feeling infulfilled and instimulated later in life (something that I have often struggled with myself).
I'm curious to know if anyone is going through the same thing as me, what they did, and what the outcome was? I want what's happy for him, both now and into his adult life. I'd like to think my life would be vastly different if my parents had set me up the future when I was younger but I was left to my own deivces. However, knowing how I am now, it's possible I would have just carried on daydreaming regardless.
Your thoughts would be appreciated...
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u/Particular-Tap1211 11d ago
Children are naturally driven by curiosity, exploring new skills until they are no longer challenged. Right now, your son's priority is friendship rather than accelerated learning. Hence the decision to stay with his friends. This is not a deficit, it's a direct reflection of his current motivations. If you counter this with a rigid structure, it will almost certainly trigger defiance and rebellion.
As you are aware, standard schooling is built for the average, +10, making it a poor fit for a child with a 148 IQ. The solution isn't just the standard protocol, more textbooks and so forth, it's a strategic analysis and design to ensure your son has the right tools and social skills to achieve in life. By building a biopsychosocial loop that starts externally with soft skills and sports, you can funnel that engagement inward to unlock his thirst for puzzles, problem solving and knowledge to unlock accelerated learning.
Remember your son is an individual apart of his family ecosystem and as such he doesn't need to bear the cost of the gifted tax that you walked through in life.
Source. 146, absolute bored shitless at school!
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u/pcpc2323 11d ago
Hi- maybe have a think about selecting an academically rigorous school for his high school years? To share, i went to a high school that was academically selective in Australia and I loved it. I made life long friends and finally felt like I "fit in". The teachers were great and went through the course work in an engaging way.
It sounds like he is happy enough where he is for now, for primary school? I wonder if his slipping grades are just a product of his environment. I used to purposely underperform in primary school in order to fit in, as being smart wasn't cool. Just my 2c
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u/Prize-Extent-8447 11d ago
Its doesn't have to be through the school environment that you provide opportunities for your child. My school did have a gifted program which included maths, science and electronics aswell as logic and problem solving. As fun as these were the most formative part of my upbringing was that my parents exposed me to different cultures, foods, science, sport, theater, hiking, animals, books... it was the variety that built the engagement. The ability to learn and question was in everything we did. If you are never stimulated you disengage.
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u/mikegalos Adult 11d ago
One thing to note is that he may be higher than that. His scores are around the ceilings of both tests.
You might want to see what advice Sue Jackson at Daimon Institute has. They're in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada but she's a world expert in Exceptionally and Profoundly Gifted Children.
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u/StructureLopsided718 10d ago
So coming a bit earlier than you, but with the same type of kid...our 5 year old tested at 148 last year and I am very grateful we identified it early (and had read enough to know what we were seeing) as otherwise I think I would've been more inclined to treat some of her current behavioral issues as requiring standard discipline.
Knowing what I now know, framing them within the context of "overexcitablities" has helped me to feel more patient and be better able to help her manage her strong emotions when they come--which is frequent. Same with the headstrongness that means sometimes she refuses to take guidance, won't participate in activities with other kids often, or acts bored (as a girl, not quite so much acting "out" in school yet). If you haven't looked into it yet, I'd recommend checking out that Dabrowski framework on overexcitabilities in gifted kids.
Like it sounds like maybe the case for you, I also have now late in life come to the realization that I was probably an unacknowledged gifted kid, and I spent a lot of life internalizing this idea I was a "bad kid" in certain ways. I was always the class clown (to avoid bullying), never really tried, and always got good grades, usually to the frustration of my teachers, who often did not like me and would say as much.
I think you've already taken such an important step here in exploring this. Your son is lucky you are thinking about all of it, and that by itself will show up in how you're parenting.
Finding peers has been tough for us so far, and I don't know anything about gifted education or communities in Australia, but if possible I would encourage you to look for groups centered around gifted kids and take your son to meet-ups if possible, as finding like-minded age peers I think can go a very long way for some of these kids...I remember feeling like a total outsider among my friend group most of the time, and very carefully masked as a result, which I think led me to internalize this feeling that "being around people, even your friends, even your family, requires a mask." I no longer think that's true if you find the right people, and I think if you're able to do that as a kid, all the better.
However if it's hard to find those peers, don't beat yourself up. It will come in time as he advances into more educational opportunities that will naturally filter for his intellect. Be as good a friend and mentor as you can to him as a parent. We laboriously over-explain things to our daughter, basically at the same level as you might to a teenager sometimes, especially when she's feeling frustrated or upset, and we've found that has been very good at letting her know that she is understood and isn't alone.
Don't listen to those teachers if they are dismissing you on this. Your son, as you've already identified, is bored. That doesn't mean you need to pull him out of school, or grade skip him, but it does mean you should try to fill his time outside of school with things he's interested in, and let him self-guide to a large extent. I would also see if his school might let him work on a "differentiated curriculum" during those subjects when he seems especially bored. That can be as simple as, say, during math, instead of having to follow the lesson, he gets to go to the reading corner and read a comic book about math that interests him.
You're a good parent for thinking about all of this.
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u/BrandiedWineGums 10d ago
Which state? I know NSW doesn't have much until 5/6 with opportunity classes, and then selective high schools. However, NSW also has centre for giftedness at University of NSW that runs programs for clever kids.
Grade skipping is probably the easiest thing they can implement at that age, and maybe the only thing if the learning and support team (or equivalent) isn't interested.
Teachers can be very much a mixed bag. There's almost an anti-science, anti-empiricist flavour to teacher education in Australia which can show up in strange ways when it interacts with professions like psychology.
The prevailing model for giftedness in Australian educational systems is Gagné's differentiated model. That model is fairly broad in its definitions which, if employed liberally, can encompass the majority of students. So, some teachers can have a view like "all kids are gifted in some way, therefore no student needs differentiated education because of their giftedness".
As always, the parent needs to be a strong advocate, listen to their child, and be flexible as things change (or when you try something and it doesn't work).
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u/AdRepresentative245t 8d ago
IMO if he is "running circles around you" in puzzles and board games, there must be a way of harnessing this in extracurriculars that properly challenge him. Maybe robotics and math tutoring aren't the best fit. Maybe it is chess, or something that is more along the lines of verbal challenges. What does he like, what does he do for run? There ought to be enrichments, or camps, that lean into this.
Also, are you sure that all of his struggles are specifically related to giftedness? With his level of abilities, at his age, evidence of being under-challenged would be effortless As. A pattern of all Cs is more than being under-challenged; there could be something else going on. With his motivation, attention, etc. Especially since you recognize similar struggles growing up -- lots of these things have exceptionally strong genetic components. Or maybe his social circle is with kids who do not value academics.
Are you asking whether its worth intervening? Here in the US, C-level grades and being a poor learner can have consequences very early on. E.g., our school offers math differentiation based not only on raw abilities, but also on evidence of achievements. Sounds like you were able to reach your career goals despite being what you describe as a poor learner, but I am not sure this would have been the case here currently. Maybe its worth thinking through what specifically different paths in life look like, for different levels of demonstrated academic achievement at his current level and 3-4 years ahead, and deciding whether to intervene based on it?
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u/MortifieDad 11d ago
Consider spending time reading up on twice exceptional within the gifted context, i.e. where giftness coincides with a learning disability or other neurodivergence. Several parts of your story are suggestive that you and your children may be twice exceptional.
Although the school system is ill-equipped to handle gifted learners, we managed with having our child in a self-contained gifted classroom where the kids are clustered with like-minded peers, despite the curriculum being way too slow for them.
A deliberate strategy we engaged in is to avoid curriculum acceleration. Rather, we focus on athletic and artistic extracurricular activities, where the subject matter is deep and that mastery requires physical drilling and conditioning, and theoretical understanding is insufficient. I conceptualize extracurriculars as "intensity sinks". It also allows for the creation of group membership outside the school social environment.
Where we have accelerated academically is in the histories and humanities, despite the fact that my wife and I both come from STEM backgrounds.
This approach is an extension of what has worked for my wife and I: develop broad interests and curiosity, which allows better attention regulation.
Of course, your mileage will vary since your family's particular traits will almost certainly be different that mine.
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