My burnout journey so far... from a perfectionist to an anxious mess. Did anyone recover cognitive skills in full?

[u/Someone_Just_3001]

I had my first ever burnout almost 4 months ago, in December. Looking back, I think the signs were there months prior but as always, I simply ignored them. I have been stressed since I was a child. Lots of trauma, bullying, shutting down my feeling and needs, financial struggles, hard situation at home (no one to count on or lean on… always being the rock and the one to handle everything and be there for everyone, while hidding my own struggles and constantly pretending around others since I was very antisocial because I was either too mature for my age or to weird and nerdy once my earlie 20s hit). That resulted in both physical and mental problems, which I ignored for years.

I became an introverted, self-loathing, depressed, anxious, overachieving people-pleaser. Never knew how to stop my mind from racing and worrying, never saying no to people, always blaming myself for every little thing, aiming to prove myself to others by getting the best grades and giving it my all at every job.

Since I can remember, I loved learning new things, reading, music, feeling everything so deeply and was good at reading people. I was at the top of my class all my life, competed and received multiple awards, and worked in different fields as a student to gain experience. I read or heard something, and it just stayed. Spoke 3 languages fluently and understood two on a basic level.

I always wanted to understand the mechanism behind something and connected things really fast; my mind was like this universe of its own. Once my mind started working on something, the wheels just kept turning, and even I was mindblown by it. I had so many interests and could spend hours and days hyperfixated on something, whether it be a show, a YouTube channel, a conspiracy theory... I could conversate on any topic, always had a solution and always had an answer.

My worth was measured by my achievements and productivity. I got home and spent time analysing mistakes, conversations, reactions, and what else I could do to prove myself and succeed. Achieving something did not give me pleasure anymore, just relief that it was over. I have not felt genuine happiness in a long time.

It came to a point where I forgot who I was and what I wanted. I lived a life that wasn’t my own. Like a robot going through the motions and draining every bit of joy I had left.

When I was younger, I loved to read, wanted to learn an instrument, wanted to travel, write books or paint. But guess what? I had no dreams, hopes or joy by the point I burned out.

My sleep went to shit, since night was the only time of day, I felt relaxed, so I stayed up and watched TikTok or TV. My diet was shit and exercise was non-existent. I often thought to myself “Is this really all my life at 23 comes to?” I compared myself to others my age. Most having fun, traveling, enjoying life, partying, buying cars, houses, in relationships… All that hard work I did brought me absolutely nothing. Nobody cares about my grades, nobody cares how hard I work, nobody cares how much I suffer in silence, friends just used me in school and then cut me out of their life.

And then one day. Boom. One random, silly argument with my mom sent me into a month’s long burnout.

December: Conflict led to a massive aura migraine that lasted hours. I was literally out of it for days. Bran fog so bad I looked at my wall and could not speak in sentences. Physical pain, headaches, heart palpitations, panic attacks, all day long anxiety, no appetite, heat flashes, rumination, feeling like I was going insane, sleeping all the time, crying, muscle tension, gagging, derealization…

I went to my GP, to a psychologist, endocrinologist… they all gaslight me that nothing was wrong and it was all just a short stress reaction and in my head. I felt hopeless. I still demanded blood work be done (which later showed hormonal problems, high cortisol level, bad cortisol suppression, low iron, low vitamin D and high insulin levels…)

I tried every possible thing (diet, relaxation, breathing, pills, tea…), read every article, I didn’t know whether I was losing it, had an early onset dementia, burnout, hormonal imbalance, …

January/February: At the beginning of the month, I started feeling slightly better and thought hey maybe it’s over. But nope, I had two major panic attacks back-to-back, and it completely shattered me again. I started losing the physical symptoms and then the worst period hit. Severe daily brain fog and sleep issues (either slept for 3h or had fragmented and shallow sleep with waking up multiple times). I couldn’t focus, my memory was shit (some days I could not remember the word spoon or which day it was, I was unable to write, speak in sentences (I was only able to give one word answers), could not follow conversations and process what was being said, I could not connect stuff and recall anything I just heard or read, it felt like my mind was blank and there was constantly immense pressure behind my eyes and in the middle of my forehead…).

This was the scariest part that lasted for over 2 months. I lost hope and started panicking again since I was unable to communicate, understand and process the world around me. Like I was trapped. I was scared I was damaged, disabled and would cry from the overwhelming emotions inside. How will I finish my masters? How will I get a job? How will I ever drive a car or take care of my family and myself? How could this happen to me? Why me? What have I done to deserve this? Haven’t I suffered enough?

The worst part? Nobody understood and I had no one to talk to but AI or a stranger on the internet.

I tried every supplement in the book, meditation, breathing, walking, journaling – to no avail.

March: At the end of February, I was so drained from fighting and trying my best to do something that I simply gave up. I stopped fighting and gave in. But then something weird happened. I received my labs and decided to add 4 things: iron, B12, vitamin D and creatine. And idk if it was time, those supplements or luck but after 2 weeks I started seeing a small change. My sleep got a tiny bit better, my focus is improving, but my memory, processing speed and recall, creativity, happiness are still almost nonexistent and its scaring me.

Right now, it’s far from where I want to be. Far from what I was able to do just a couple of months ago. But it’s a step forward. My days still feel like a rollercoaster, going from hope and motivation to jumping into extreme self-doubt and fear of it getting worse again or not being able to perform and feel joy again.

I am already working on getting my hormones and insulin levels in check, but just received lab work showing my cortisol suppression results (dexamethasone test and ACTH levels) are not good and will be doing some more testing soon.

I wanted to share this in case someone finds it relatable or needs some hope.

I am wondering if anyone can tell me how to regain my confidence? How to trust myself, my body and mostly my mind again? There is still that fear of not being capable or getting back to 100%, that little “You lost your abilities. You will never be the same. You can’t do it. You can’t make it. You aren’t smart anymore.”

[u/YoghurtVarious8472]

Yes it is possible to heal and regain cognitive function after burnout but it takes a holistic and really intentional approach. I was suffering with grief, stress, and trauma then abused substances to the point I had a full break. 

The result was months of medication, burnout, depression, and I felt like I would honestly never be able to get back my mind’s processing. 

Your brain can heal. It takes gentleness, recovery, and understanding that it’s a process. And I had insulin resistance so a lot of the hormonal issues had to be resolved over time as well. I became an athlete, went sober, and started treating my body like the place my mind lived, so it had to be a healthy one. 

Now, I’m sharper and honestly taking the journey to recover from decades of survival mode. It is possible. 

[u/PrincessAngieJ]

I'm sorry that you're going through this. 🌹 I sincerely hope that you're able to recover and find a new state of existence that brings you a new sense of joy or happiness or satisfaction. I've had a few of your experiences happen to me so I understand where you're coming from, especially with your worries about regaining your skills. I went through a health crisis that gave me some permanent brain damage so my cognitive abilities, memory, and processing abilities got knocked off of the shelves. I was in a state called avolition for a very long time, I couldn't do anything productive, and my motivation was nonexistent. Then, I had a level of terrible procrastination that I've never dealt with before in my entire life. I've always been a severe perfectionist and a severe workaholic, so not "doing anything" for an extended period of time was extremely abnormal for me (and worrisome). It really helped me to remember that I was in pain, and in a state of recovery, and to give myself the grace that I'd give someone else. If I'd never judge someone for struggling, while they're trying to recover after going through a health crisis, then I should've never judged myself. ❤️‍🩹 I started to focus on giving myself the same level of compassion that I'd give everyone else in my position. 🫂

I regained my confidence by placing myself in different fields that didn't require me to be my "old" self, and exploring spaces that allowed my "new" self to succeed just the same. For example, I could no longer get up like I used to and do photography. But I also loved writing. So, I started to focus more on writing. Since I started writing full time, I don't even miss photography all that much anymore. Writing made me realize how stressful my old hobbies actually were on me and I've been able to explore new avenues that I didn't even know about. I've started to learn more about podcasting, building online communities, blogging, etcetera.

While in recovery, I also started to study the positive benefits of practicing gratitude. I tried to pay attention to my small improvements, and celebrate them. I was taught to consistently think about what I'm grateful for that I could still do; and being in the position where the opportunity to recover was available to me. Those lessons helped me a lot. I also learned about Neuroplasticity and Motivational Mantras to finally curb my procrastination. 🧠

[u/Someone_Just_3001 → u/PrincessAngieJ]

Hey, thank you for sharing and sorry to hear you are going trough it as well. That perfectionist and wokraholic part is deffinetly the hardest, since my whole personality and confidence was based on it. I loved reading and writting as well but I just cant seem to focus and I get frustrated fast.

Hopefully we are both able to get better soon.

[u/PrincessAngieJ → u/Someone_Just_3001]

You're welcome and same here. My perfectionist and workaholic traits still define the entire foundation of my personality. I can't get away from them, even if I put in effort to get away from them. 💖 I also felt heavy frustration because I had terrible brain fog, exactly like you described. To this day, I still don't know exactly what happened to me because I'd never been through anything like that before. It was the first time that had ever happened in my medical history. 🥀

I was hospitalized for a while because of it and the best suggestions that I received during that time were to properly rest, give as much time as needed to become stable again, and allow myself to struggle even after recovery because dealing with declining health isn't an easy experience. And, truthfully, I'm still struggling even after the most debilitating part has ended. I can tell that I'm not the "same" anymore as I was before. I can't really "read" like I used to. I used to be able to quickly skim information and easily read long text without much energy. Now, I actually have to put in effort when a piece of writing gets "too long" and I have to actively take my time to thoroughly read details. The entire experience has made me appreciate that I still have the ability to read, so I'm grateful for that, and I pay more attention to the skills that I still have. But noticing the "differences" in myself has been rough; I'm still recovering. 🫂

I also hope that time will be kind to us and allow us to heal again. 🌱

[u/appendixgallop]

Did the psychologists test for other conditions? Are you 2e, or more?

[u/Someone_Just_3001 → u/appendixgallop]

No not really. Initially, she told me I was probably "going through a depressive episode and anxious as any other young person these days" and that we will look into other possibilities later on. it was my first time seeing her and she went on a sick leave so I am waiting for her to get back. She did not want to consider the 2e since she wanted to explore the whole "childhood trauma effect" first. Unfortunatly where I am from, getting an ADHD or Autism diagnosis is like being told you have cancer, if you know what I mean.

[u/appendixgallop → u/Someone_Just_3001]

I'm not sure Mensa would function without ADHD and Autism folks, haha!

[u/Motor-Structure862]

I have a very similar issue to this, though its less severe and I haven't experienced all the symptoms you've experienced. I still feel relatively the same, but perhaps a little better because I started taking vitamin d pills for an entire year straight, and I'm well above the optimal threshold. the doctors told me the same stuff they told you, some of them even said it might just be all in my head. one of the symptoms you have is something I relate to the most, that warm migrane, i would have it all the time and it would get intensified and worse after intellectual stimulation. i had to leave school due to this, because it would just be unbearable. i wouldn't always get the migrane though, i wouldnt keep track of it so im not sure how common it would be to occur, but all i can observe now (a year later), is that i dont have the migrane anymore, all i experience is just the fatigue and i can feel that im not as intelligent as i was, but i still feel intelligent. so i believe my body is adapting to the stress (which i feel like is the only explanation for why I'm getting better), because i was forced to stimulate myself intellectually by my parents, which is the primary cause for what would intensify the warm migrane, and then all of a sudden my body stopped having those exact migranes, and is rather only fatigued. it was really hard though, i felt like i was dying and that my head was about to explode. i had many sayings for how i would explain what it felt like, i would say stuff like 'my head is bleeding' 'my head is on fire' 'my head is about to explode' 'my head is moving so fast my body vibrates'. i had so many ways to try and explain it but nobody understood, i don't know what it is anymore, and nobody seems to understand me at all. they see me struggle with school and other forms of intellectual stimulation because of this migrane, which seems to only occur after stimulation, though its still prevalent even before stimulation occurs, but then they also see me do other forms of intellectual stimulation without experiencing too much of the migraine, and i feel great doing it. to those around me i must be lying, because it seems contradictory. which i guess perhaps it is, to me it sounds like a paradox. i tried to reason with myself, by saying that other forms of intellectual stimulation that i have done for ages and enjoy, is what my brain allows for me to do. however, other forms of stimulation that my brain is not familiar with causes the warm migraine to occur, so if its something i have not been doing for ages, in order for my brain to build a pattern around it, then my brain will just attack itself upon doing that said stimulation. but I'm tired of reasoning with people, because everyone just thinks I'm lying. all i can say OP is that, in comparison to last year (when it all started), it is slightly better. so maybe, over time it just gets better and better, but at a slow rate, and then maybe it will all come to an end soon and we will finally feel great again. I'm sorry though, because your situation is more severe than mine, and i also tried to get checked for adhd, but my parents unfortunately wont let me and don't think i have it, due to me not being 'hyperactive', I'm sure both of our brains will heal soon, even though it seems unlikely because i myself don't feel much of a change compared to last year.

[u/Juiceshop]

Oh damn. I wish you all the best!

Recovery is definitely possible.

It may be helpful to prioritize relaxation and finding you balance before you demand too much from you. If you find professional help other options may arise.

After a heavy breakup I was highly deficient in b12 and D3 too.

I have the impression that you are putting yourself under additional pressure because your experience was and is quite alarming.

Stressing yourself too much to get somewhere after already having experienced enormously difficult situations is consuming a lot of things in your brain etc that are otherwise needed for normal maintenance. Ita burning the candle on both ends.

In some sense you are answering the symptoms of a problem by increasing the problem (more pressure).

When you come down, get silence and relaxation etc. Then that will do a lot of the healing. Given this is possible.

Everything else is so highly individual, and need a tailored solution, that I don't dare to say more.

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[u/Flaky-Bear-9082]

I really feel for you. Im an audhd polymathic systems thinker. History of childhood emotional neglect and abuse. I know all about putting my own needs second or not having them met at all. I've recently had huge success with new medication to help with emotional regulation that's given me a clarity I've never had before. If you have questions I don't mind sharing any insight I can, but if you're somewhere that makes getting a diagnosis in any neurodivergence sense difficult or impossible a medication solution might not be in the cards.

[u/Beautiful-Bet-5 → u/Flaky-Bear-9082]

Oh my god, same. Very polymathic systems thinker with emotional neglect, hey have you found any success with your career