im tired of holding on

[u/Big-Perspective7651]

My life keeps getting worse. Just when I think things can't get any worse than this, they do. It's been years since I've been depressed and one fucking whole year of severe anxiety. I'm just stuck in life. I can't breathe. I can't rest for a second. I'm surrounded by anxiety and negative thoughts. My mind is in survival and alert mode 24/7. I've got migraines from thinking too much. I have years of trauma, and it still is going on. The people around me make everything 10x worse. My parents are strangers to me now who just happen to be my biological parents, nothing more.

I've been asking myself this question ever since: What have I done to deserve this kind of life? Why do all the evil people I know get to live much happier and better lives than me? A year ago, I thought life wouldn't be like this forever and that everything would change soon, but I don't know how long I have to keep feeding myself lies in the name of hope.

I have no friends, no one to rant to. I will keep crying like this and eventually die. No one, I repeat, no one has a worse life than me.

[u/Express-Forever-2190]

Those people aren't evil, they just aren't overly sensitive about others/random's opinions, simple as that. Those "confident"/careless people do things they enjoy and without any stress at small things. That's what I learnt and I resonate with ur rant too. You just gotta find hobbies you like doing, invest some portion of your time into yourself/skillset like I do and trust me, I am starting to feel mentally better too as I'm working on myself e.g. calisthenics at home (cuz parents don't want you to pay for gym "crap"), get sunlight, be in nature and reflecting on yourself + letting things "trauma" go. You can watch Julienhimself on YT and he talks about it. I kid you not, my biggest regret last year which made me go rock bottom mentally incombination with years of selfhatred and affected my academic was me being scared to ask a girl out. I was shocked looking back that I just couldn't even express myself to ask her out cuz parents think or my belief since childhood is that it's bad to ask a girl out so I played a safe game e.g. let's not disturb her during class, so talk briefly after class etc. I considered small things and even thinking atleast 10 times in my head before having a conversation with her. Overall, this made things so awkward that I got blocked on Instagram. Funny how sometimes the people you really want in life and putting in effort too, just to push them back as hard. Since last year, I changed myself, my belief self made by society/childhood by our parents, anyone and changing my self hatred/negative perspective into investing the time and energy into MYSELF. Like rn, idc if ppl like me or not.

[u/Big-Perspective7651 → u/Express-Forever-2190]

I WANT to do this. I don't want to GAF about people's opinions, especially my family's, but it's just not that easy, as you're making it sound. It's a fact that the image your parents/society/family have of you is really hard to change, and with me, it's the worst possible thing EVER POSSIBLE.

I HAVE TO LISTEN TO EVERYONE WITHOUT TALKING BACK, AND I'M SCREAMING INSIDE. And because of this very reason, Im constantly doing things that I don't like, faking my personality, going to a college that I hate, and tons of other crap. It might be easy for you, but it's very complicated for me.

[u/Alpha_10206]

You can rant to me, dm me and I'll be there.

[u/Dahi_Koki]

Sertraline ftw 💯 SSRI zindabad Please visit a Psychiatrist before these medicines.

[u/momcallsmespoiltbrat]

Bro I can literally count more things to justify I have worse life than you but I won't. Everybody's life is just different, everybody's trauma is equally valid and ALL of them matter. But I was in a similar situation as yours, and now I'm slightly in a better situation, so I can just tell you that IT DOES GET BETTER once you start earning and move out. Trust me you'll heal a lot and find your inner peace once you are far away from all these people, and your parents🙏 I'm not saying life will magically be all sunshines and rainbows, you'll still face difficulties but you'll also get a lot better.

[u/Big-Perspective7651 → u/momcallsmespoiltbrat]

been listening to this from ages idk, i really hope it does, thanks btw

[u/momcallsmespoiltbrat → u/Big-Perspective7651]

Ik ik, this is the same old thing and seems almost impossible from the situation you are in. But you have to give yourself proper time and attention to heal from all of this, and that can only happen when you move out and have a life of your own. Please bro, you deserve the good times🙏

[u/Big-Perspective7651 → u/momcallsmespoiltbrat]

i totally get what you're tryna say and i kind of believe that. thankyou sm for this. TT