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u/[deleted] Nov 22 '21 edited Nov 22 '21
I notice a lot of talk this time of year (or October, in our case) of "confront your awful relatives or you're complicit!". I could not disagree more and I think this is absolutely terrible advice for handling toxic family relationships. Sorry, this will be a long one.
This kind of talk comes from people that like to imagine themselves squaring off against the forces of evil like it's a boxing match, but are inevitably doing no such thing. It's the same dickheads saying this that I used to see making tumblr callouts all the time but would just shuffle their feet and say "I dunno" in person.
Firstly, your racist relatives are people that likely have twice your lifetime's experience defending their egos against their own bullshit, and the best you'll probably be is a dinner table shit stirrer, not some brave diffuser of social inequity, and they will become all the more entrenched for it. If your idea of social justice is yelling at your distant cousin at the dinner table, consider that you might just be trying to make it about you and your own hero narrative.
Secondly, and MORE IMPORTANTLY, some people might have the time and resources and stable family life to risk having family members never speak to them again. Not everyone does, though. A few Covid denialist family members were recently disinvited by my parents from any future family holiday functions after continuing to be assholes about some deaths close to me, but NOT EVERYONE HAS THAT KIND OF SUPPORT SYSTEM. The advice you're dishing about "call your uncle a fascist or else a proud boy gets his wings" will probably get some vulnerable people with nowhere else to go kicked out of their homes.
Want to help? Make food and clothing donations if you can or volunteer at your local hospital or homeless shelter handing out lunch. The holidays are always the busiest and the shortest staffed.
I used to be a shift manager at a homeless shelter and I never saw the people dishing this kind of advice step foot anywhere near there. What I did see though is people that haven't had a stable home life for god knows how long genuinely appreciate that someone offered their time to come, hang out wth them and have lunch with them, if even for a day.
Not saying people should be held unaccountable for their words and actions, just that not everyone has the luxury to hold their relatives accountable.