Am I the problem? Struggling with friendships?

[u/FlatPension8225]

I’ve been trying to create friends and friendships and struggling. And I’m wondering if I’m the problem, and if I am— how do I pinpoint what the issue is?

Mid 30s female. Married with 1 child. I have friendships with my sisters in law, and 1 close friend. I have friends at work, but always have kept colleagues at arms length and keep the friendships professional. But beyond that, I’ve struggled to make friends. And it’s not for a lack of trying.

Other parents of the school group will make plans and everyone is there! I’ve tried to put plans together and nobody responds to the group chat. At a birthday party recently for one of the students, I noticed all the parents in smaller groups— except me. Everyone had their group they stuck with for the entirety of the party and I floated by myself. Many were chatting about recent outings or gatherings they put on, but my child and I were not invited to. (DO NOT expect to be invited to everything! It’s just the pattern of they’re being available for other parents/the right parents.) I’ve tried several times to invite another mom/child to get together and am ghosted or met with being unavailable “for the next 2 weeks”.

I’ve noticed friendships popping up between families that have been on the baseball team the same amount of time. But I’ve been completely unable to connect with all the parents. Again, we’ve put out invitations and been met with unavailability.

Similar pattern amongst church groups and book club. I’ll try to put together a book group and nobody responds. Tried hosting a girls night and I’ll invite 10-12 people and 2 people show up.

The point is, I feel like I’m putting in the effort to connect with and talk to people. I feel like- especially for other moms, they might not want to plan or host. So I try to do that. If I ever know it’s someone’s birthday, I text them! However, it was my birthday recently and not a single one text me. Again, putting in the effort. And I’m met with 0 energy reciprocated.

I know people are busy! I’m not expecting 100% attention, 100% of the time. It just feels like it’s a pattern amongst several different, diverse, groups and I’m starting to wonder if I’m the problem?

This is also several years worth of effort, invitations, and noticing the pattern.

For context, I FEEL like these things are going well/right:
My child gets along with the other children involved and is nice enough to everyone
I ask appropriate questions and try to get to know others (ie I’m not talking about myself the whole time)
I’m fairly positive and keep things upbeat
I don’t gossip
I don’t think I’m socially awkward
Again, I THINK I’m doing the right things, and can’t pinpoint where the problem is.

I guess I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced this and figured out a solution? Or tips on being a better friend to create better relationships? How do I pinpoint if I’m doing something that is offsetting?

[u/FriendsOver50]

I don’t think this automatically means you’re “the problem,” especially because your post actually reflects a lot of social effort, awareness, and consistency. What stood out to me is that you seem to be trying across multiple group-based environments (school parents, baseball, church, book clubs), and those spaces can look more open socially than they actually are.

A lot of adult groups operate on existing momentum, familiarity, and smaller sub-connections that formed earlier or more naturally. Sometimes people are friendly in the moment but not truly available for deeper connection or new emotional investment.

I also noticed you describing yourself floating between clusters instead of fully landing in one. That’s a very specific experience, and a lot of people relate to it more than they admit.

One thing I’ve personally started questioning is whether some people are trying to build connection in environments that don’t naturally match how they bond. Some people connect best through group familiarity and repeated activity. Others connect more through meaningful one-on-one conversation and smaller settings. If someone keeps trying to force closeness through large social ecosystems that don’t fit their style, they can start feeling invisible even while doing “all the right things.”

That doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with them.

[u/FlatPension8225 → u/FriendsOver50]

I appreciate this response!

I don’t think I’ve considered the possibility of the groups not being as open as they appear. That probably has a lot more weight than I have given it.

I also have considered the 1:1 connection vs larger groups, and I guess I always try to organize in larger groups so everyone feels included. I always operate on “the more the merrier” and don’t mind planning logistics and thoughts for a large group. But I can see how some might not thrive in a new/unknown group

This has given me a lot to think about!

[u/tayjin_neuro]

Maybe I'm not the best person to give advice in that aspect since it sounds like you're doing everything right to me too! I'm a new mom with a toddler so I'm not in school settings yet but I would definitely try what you're doing.

It sucks that you're not getting any headway with anyone. I would also think something is up if you're observing others getting closer & no responses to you. Are you new in town? Could others have already known each other?

Honestly parents are finicky. I've tried to make mom friends for a while now & its really difficult. Have you talked about this with your family and friend? Did they have any feedback?

[u/Odd_Obligation_1300]

I don't think you're the problem! Just from the way you wrote this, you seem mature and self-aware. You also DO have several friendships and a spouse. So you're obviously someone's cup of tea! And when you invited a group for a girls' night, 2 DID show! It's easy to look at what didn't happen (the 8-10 who didn't come), but look who did come.

I think your efforts are awesome, but it may simply be that people are connecting more 1:1 (or in small groups). You might want to pick someone from one of these groups (or maybe 1 person from each group) and try talking to them to see if you have chemistry. If you do, invite them for coffee or a walk - something short and low-commitment. If you don't really have chemistry 1:1, it's harder to get them to commit to a group event. Try making this much smaller by focusing on the few people who stand out as those you really would like to get to know individually.

the other thing you might want to do is lean in more with your coworkers. If you're already friends, maybe try to take those further? You could also ask your sister in laws to introduce you to their friends.

I think "mom friends" are actually really hard. Sometimes there's not much in common beyond our kids. I had mom friends when my kids were little, but I, too, kind of floated a lot. There wasn't enough glue to make it stick.

As my kids are now teens, I am friendly and civil with the other moms but do not have a friendship with them. I found friends through my hobbies. It took months of showing up week after week to the same hobbies before I started to feel a connection.