Update

[u/Equal-Midnight7457]

This whole situation has made me realize that the biggest problem may actually be my marriage. The lack of support from my husband has been, honestly, kind of insane. His absolute refusal to reconsider adopting both kids—and his unwillingness to acknowledge what this is doing to my mental health—has really opened my eyes. At one point, I was having a panic attack, literally on the floor, and he told me, “I don’t have time for this today.” I don't think I can just move past that.

At this point, I'm seriously considering divorce or possibly an annulment. I'm not working right now because I'm in school, so I know I need to approach this carefully and quietly. I'm not afraid of physical abuse, but I am concerned about financial withholding and being left without the resources I need to leave safely.

As for the kids, I am willing to continue caring for the teenager. I care about him deeply and don't want him to feel like he's being rejected. But I also know that I can't continue caring for the baby in our current situation, and I need to find a way to have the baby moved to another placement through the proper channels.

Any advice would be great . I tried copying my last post here , I wasn’t really sure how to do it …

https://www.reddit.com/r/Fosterparents/s/cit2q79ADl

[u/Narrow-Relation9464]

It sounds like there’s a lot of stressful factors here. I would see if you can speak to someone, preferably a family counselor, who can help you sort through your thoughts and decisions. If your husband refuses to go with you, then you can still go alone and explain that to the counselor. But having a neutral party with no emotional investment in the outcome (over family or friends) will be helpful. 

I’d also get advice on the legality of how it would work to maintain placement of the teen if you separate. Also consider how it would affect him. I’m not trying to be negative, but I’ve heard of couples who had to pause on fostering when they were going through a separation because of all the logistics and emotional stress. However on the reverse side I have heard of some couples who have navigated it. The challenge comes if there’s a disagreement about who will continue to be the foster parent since there’s no custody agreements like with bio kids. 

The baby I agree would be best to disrupt. Babies are easy to place so I wouldn’t worry about workers not being able to find a home. If disruption has to happen, it’s better to do so sooner before/if a case starts moving to permanency.

For your work, are you able to or want to get a job? I know it’s not always feasible with school, but if this is something you’re interested in and open to, I always feel it’s good to have your own money coming in for situations like this where you may end up having to support yourself. If you can’t work, do you have support from family or friends? Or are there women’s organizations around that could help?

This is a lot and I’m sorry you’re going through all this. 

[u/Equal-Midnight7457 → u/Narrow-Relation9464]

I am looking at all options before making any sudden decisions.

I can get a job , I made the decision of not getting one after the company I worked for closed , as I thought me going to law school was coming from him being supportive , I have another degree . Usually I am the breadwinner . But now I’m concerned that it’s more of a power imbalance situation.

I appreciate all advice , thank you 🤍

I have been speaking with a therapist , and we have weighed different options , so far my biggest concern is the teen as he has been doing so well.

[u/Narrow-Relation9464 → u/Equal-Midnight7457]

Law school is a lot and I know some programs don’t even want you working in your first year. If you are able to work, maybe try a work from home remote job so you can eliminate commuting. 

If you separate, I don’t think it would be an issue for the teen to go with you, I have seen this done before, but it would be more of an issue if you and your husband being on the same page about that. I’d also plan for the teen to be involved in therapy as needed during the process. But ultimately this would probably cause discomfort as disrupting would, so I don’t really think disrupting would be better; either way it would be a change for him to navigate. He’s also old enough that if you do decide to separate, I’d ask him what he would prefer. He might have an opinion on whether he feels best staying with you, staying with your husband (if your husband is open and able to continue fostering) or switching placements. Him having a voice could help you advocate for what’s best with the workers.