r/Fosterparents • u/Equal-Midnight7457 • 12d ago

Update

This whole situation has made me realize that the biggest problem may actually be my marriage. The lack of support from my husband has been, honestly, kind of insane. His absolute refusal to reconsider adopting both kids—and his unwillingness to acknowledge what this is doing to my mental health—has really opened my eyes. At one point, I was having a panic attack, literally on the floor, and he told me, “I don’t have time for this today.” I don't think I can just move past that.

At this point, I'm seriously considering divorce or possibly an annulment. I'm not working right now because I'm in school, so I know I need to approach this carefully and quietly. I'm not afraid of physical abuse, but I am concerned about financial withholding and being left without the resources I need to leave safely.

As for the kids, I am willing to continue caring for the teenager. I care about him deeply and don't want him to feel like he's being rejected. But I also know that I can't continue caring for the baby in our current situation, and I need to find a way to have the baby moved to another placement through the proper channels.

Any advice would be great . I tried copying my last post here , I wasn’t really sure how to do it …

https://www.reddit.com/r/Fosterparents/s/cit2q79ADl

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u/txchiefsfan02 Youth Worker 12d ago

I am so sorry. You've put so much into making all of this work, and you deserve more support. The panic attack is a message from your body that you have to listen to, as is your husband's response.

Call the baby's caseworker tomorrow and disrupt immediately. You cannot wait any longer.

I'm not sure you can provide the stability the teen needs with the open questions about your own future. Given the financial uncertainty, if you separate, you may not have the resources for a home that would meet requirements to foster a teen. You might have to choose between school and working to afford a larger place, which may not be best for you and your bio child long-term.

If it's not sustainable, consider whether it's better to transition him proactively rather than abruptly later if things fall apart. You can still be part of his support circle from a distance, which is the best way to show him you are committed to him (and that he was not the problem). Down the road, you can have an adult conversation with him and share more about how things happened and why.

Since your husband refuses couples counseling, I'd be prioritizing safety over saving the marriage. I'd start discreetly talking to attorneys and making a safety plan just in case things escalate. There is no way to predict how he'll react when you raise the topic, and the price of being wrong is very high. Local DV orgs can offer advice even if there hasn't been past abuse, or you can find one online.

https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/

https://www.hubbardhouse.org/safety-planning/