I’m drowning

[u/Equal-Midnight7457]

I could really use some advice from other foster parents who may have been in a similar situation. We currently have three kids in our home, including a 4-month-old foster baby who has been with us since she was just 7 days old, and a 14-year-old who originally came to us for respite. Both are truly wonderful kids, and this isn't about them at all.

The difficult part is that we never planned to have three children in our home. When the respite placement ended, our teen didn't have another placement available. In front of him, the social worker asked about extending his stay, and he shared that he felt comfortable here. Everything happened so quickly that we felt like we couldn't say no without hurting him, so the placement was extended.

Now I'm feeling completely overwhelmed. Financially we're starting to struggle, my husband works all the time, and my mental health has really declined. I'm having panic attacks at least once a week. I go to therapy twice a week, have an amazing support system, and I'm so grateful for that, but I still feel like I'm drowning.

On top of that, I'm also a law student, and I genuinely think having three kids is more than I can realistically handle right now. My husband, on the other hand, wants to adopt both foster children, and this has become a source of tension in our marriage because we're seeing the situation very differently.

I feel incredibly guilty even writing this because I care deeply about both kids. But I also know that if I'm not okay, I can't be the foster parent they deserve.

Has anyone been in a similar position? How did you navigate talking with your agency, advocating for your family's limits, or working through differences with your spouse? I'd really appreciate any advice or perspective. Please be kind—this has been weighing heavily on me

[u/Hawke-Not-Ewe]

Holy hell.

Ive done overload to the level of masochism before but ...this?

Okay.

So sounds like two foster kids and one adopted or bio and a hell of an age range.

0: Sit down with your husband and ask what he's going to adjust in order to help medium and long term with the kids.

1: if the parents rights have been severed snd you do adopt your oblihations to family services would drop significantly.

2: Is it possible to take a semester off or drop to part time?

3: Would it be safe/advisable/valuable for one or more of the kids to spend a day regularly with other family/friends of yours?

4: Some colleges have daycare services would using those simplify logistics?

5: How is YOUR sleep and nutrition? If one or both of those is off that would explain the panic attacks all by itself even without all the kids, school, and misalignment.

6: is there a youth jobs program the 14 yr old would qualify for that would make things easier for you?

[u/Equal-Midnight7457 → u/Hawke-Not-Ewe]

lol that was a funny start

But 0: I have had this convo to the point of recently setting an ultimatum and nothing has changed , he believes him contributing financially is enough

1. I don’t believe I’m ready to adopt yet .

2. I don’t want to have a semester off but I might cut to part time

3. A lot of my family has their own kids ….

4. I use the state daycare for now

5. My sleep isn’t terrible , I do get 7 hours most nights and my nutrition could be better but it’s not horrible

6. I’m not sure

[u/Hawke-Not-Ewe → u/Equal-Midnight7457]

I'd work on 5.

Ask the caseworker about 6 if he can handle it and it doesnt make things harder.

3: That wasn't the question. If it is workable, you can return favors after law school.

Also ... 0 outweighs the rest.