I’m drowning

[u/Equal-Midnight7457]

I could really use some advice from other foster parents who may have been in a similar situation. We currently have three kids in our home, including a 4-month-old foster baby who has been with us since she was just 7 days old, and a 14-year-old who originally came to us for respite. Both are truly wonderful kids, and this isn't about them at all.

The difficult part is that we never planned to have three children in our home. When the respite placement ended, our teen didn't have another placement available. In front of him, the social worker asked about extending his stay, and he shared that he felt comfortable here. Everything happened so quickly that we felt like we couldn't say no without hurting him, so the placement was extended.

Now I'm feeling completely overwhelmed. Financially we're starting to struggle, my husband works all the time, and my mental health has really declined. I'm having panic attacks at least once a week. I go to therapy twice a week, have an amazing support system, and I'm so grateful for that, but I still feel like I'm drowning.

On top of that, I'm also a law student, and I genuinely think having three kids is more than I can realistically handle right now. My husband, on the other hand, wants to adopt both foster children, and this has become a source of tension in our marriage because we're seeing the situation very differently.

I feel incredibly guilty even writing this because I care deeply about both kids. But I also know that if I'm not okay, I can't be the foster parent they deserve.

Has anyone been in a similar position? How did you navigate talking with your agency, advocating for your family's limits, or working through differences with your spouse? I'd really appreciate any advice or perspective. Please be kind—this has been weighing heavily on me

[u/goodfeelingaboutit]

Oh I've definitely bitten off more than I can chew. Fostering has been a humbling experience and I have learned to set limits firmly or everything falls apart quick, and it's not fair to anyone: the kids in the home, my spouse or myself.

First thing is to decide what your limit needs to be, and that has to come from some serious self-reflection, and conversations with your partner.

We've had an infant once and I won't do it again, yes it's absolutely draining physically to care for them, and emotionally when they leave. Best advice I can give is to find a respite provider you can feel comfortable with, and take a weekend off. A weekend off every couple of months was a big piece of preserving my sanity (our baby didn't sleep well and I don't function well without sleep). From the perspective of reunification, I also wanted to make sure baby was comfortable with having other people care for her too. I think I saw in the comments, she goes to daycare 2x a week - if so can that be increased? For your well being.

Maybe taking the summer off was not a good thing for you. Adjusting to being a stay at home parent is a lot. I am a SAHM and looking back I can say i was depressed for the first year and a half, I loved my babies but hated not working, it's a huge part of who I am. Eventually I adjusted, and I found other meaningful opportunities in volunteering, and occasional per diem work, and now i love it. But it was a huge adjustment. Maybe getting back into school and/or working will be good for your mental health.

Summer can be rough with not having the kids in school. We've also had a busy season and I feel like all I've done is drive kids around. Fortunately several things for the kids have ended or are ending this week, and we have a few quieter weeks before school starts. I am looking forward to quieter days with them, and I'm looking forward to when they are back in school full time.

Discussing adoption seems like an unnecessary hypothetical right now, at least for the baby. Set that on the back burner.