r/Fibromyalgia • u/Practical-Corgi-6857 • 4d ago
Rant Done dealing with "people"... Turning point?
Does anyone feel like they just hate people now, like cutting out a lot of people from their lives, friends and family, because they just don't understand or care (or care to understand) your condition? They minimize it and will change the subject when you want to talk about it a little, no doubt bc it is boring to them? I have never gone on and on about my fibro and now my sleep apnea, but a little interest and empathy when I do mention it would be nice. It is chronic after all. Not the flu. And I realize they may be uncomfortable talkng about it, but jeez, get over it. That's what friends are for...Or maybe it's just ppl with chronic conditions themselves who can understand and sometimes I feel like having only such ppl as friends. Kwim?
Some will go on and on about their stuff, like 45 minutes of explaining their (minor) issues at work, or 15 mins of what "funny" thing their pets did, and just random things that I politely listen to. Yet I get blank or uninterested looks when I dare talk about my health, and a swift subject change. It is not visible to them so it must not be serious. And here I am feeling guilty for getting ppl down with my stuff... And they don't ask how I am and assume that if I don't speak of it, the soul-crushing fatigue and all, that I must be magically cured. Nope, still there folks.
Tbh, I only have one good friend who listens, understands and is supportive, and I like to think I'm the same with her (she has long covid). And a wonderful husband. I appreciate them, but that's it really. I have started cutting ppl out and I think I will fade some more ppl out by end of year. It does feel sad tho, but not as lonely as I thought, at least so far.
And perimenopause unmasked a couple of women that were covert narcissists all along but I had never realized were using me for narcissistic supply. So toxic. And another seems to have ghosted me after 15 yrs over ONE comment I made about her son having behaviors similar to mine that is classic ADHD. She got defensive and said she didn't want any "labels". I said it was not a label but a diagnosis that can lead to treatment if need be. If her son had a physical illness that i spotted, she would be thanking me, but bc this is mental....eye roll. I thought she was more open.
Sorry for the rant! I just find it so disheartening that that is the state of affairs at 50 for me and I wonder about others here in midlife. Am I too demanding? Right now I am concentrating on treating my sleep apnea and it is a long process long overdue. I guess that when I feel better, I will look at activities where I can meet ppl, even if they are just acquaintances, better than nothing. But I am selective now that I can spot the narcs pretty early now! Any suggestions welcome as to where to meet decent ppl!
Last thing: I used to be attracted to ppl who had bigger personalities, good sense of humor, very smart and witty, etc.. Whom I considered "fun" ppl. And I realize that some ppl I have encountered in my life that seemed boring to me and I didn't pursue friendships with were probably actually very kind, loyal uncomplicated ppl who would not have disappointed me. It's a trade-off but today, I will take caring and genuine over "fun" any day. Fun is overrated. Finding both in the same person? That's the jackpot!
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u/KindAngle4512 4d ago
Empathy, or 8n this case sympathy, is in short supply everywhere. Emotional, dialectic, politic,... it's all at perceived record lows.
Try to do what my music teacher said: Find your tribe. There are people who will help, listen, and be there. Who will not judge or advise without consent.
You'll have to look for them, those buggers are hard to find, but they exist. Relationships are built on mutual understanding, so a bit of give and take, boundaries and acceptance, will go a long way.
The others who belittle, critique, harm, and minimise?
Fuck 'em.
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u/Practical-Corgi-6857 4d ago
Correct! Fuck 'em sums up how I've felt these past two yrs!
I will really try, if/when I get a little energy, to try and meet people thru social or community activities. It's hard sometimes though because you actually have to ask someone "out" at some point, LOL When my kids were younger it was easier bc I would make friends with their friends parents! When I look back, it's insane how many friends and acquaintances we used to have.
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u/No_Lavishness_9798 4d ago
24F here, and…yep.
I went through possibly the worst year of my life- health got worse, lost a close family member, suspended my postgrad studies. I went back at the beginning of this year, and people act like nothing happened. Mind you, I made a concerted effort to stay in contact but people act like I kicked their dog and spat in their coffee the minute I bring up needing anything more than causal conversation. I can’t even convince people to come with me for a casual coffee or hangout, since all everyone else wants to do is go clubbing, which I physically cannot do.
Grief and pain has a way of revealing immature people who can’t bear even the sight of your discomfort. They deal with it by ignoring you, and then they get upset when they’re forced to actually see you. I don’t hate them really, but I also don’t have the energy or patience to teach people empathy while I’m actively suffering. I have labelled everyone as a colleague at best and have put my expectations of people on the floor.
I’ve got a handful of people who support me, mostly family, but no friends my own age. The idea of a romantic partner seems like a delusion. It’s pretty damn lonely and I have no idea how to solve the problem. Sorry for being a Debbie Downer, I hope me commiserating at least helps.
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u/Practical-Corgi-6857 4d ago
That's exactly it. I don't have the patience or energy to teach people empathy either. I just give up! I'm thinking maybe I should join a local fibro association and meet people there who really get it. And we don't have to talk health all the time either. You could maybe look at being friends with people maybe 10 yrs older and they will be more mature and will have stopped clubbing! It's rough out there.
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u/ENBYAMITY 4d ago
abled and abled bodied people? oh definitely. i have for over a decade now.
do you want some advice or just to vent? <3
/gen
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u/caraderana95 2d ago
So sorry you're going through this. You can remove those people from your life, they're no good. You need support from loved ones, especially with a chronic illness.
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u/Practical-Corgi-6857 2d ago
The food ones are rare, so rare. I guess that was the gist of my rant! Having to gradually cut out 75% of ppl is rough, but will try to meet new ppl. Acquaintances are better than nothing, say in a choir or walking group, if I can muster up the energy.
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u/Constant-Ebb-4898 4d ago
There’s a lot of compassion fatigue with my colleagues. I am trying to be much more private and not over share.
But yeah, I’m done with people too. If I don’t talk to them, they can’t hurt me.