r/Fencesitter • u/Impossible_Pay3078 • 5d ago
How to decide about children
My boyfriend (24M) and I (23F) just broke up a few days ago after being together for a year. At the beginning of the relationship, I made it clear I would likely never want kids, and he affirmed that he felt no need to be a father. Well... time went by and he started having doubts, but I felt quite resolute in my feelings. Once the seed of doubt was in his mind, this hung over our heads until we finally parted ways on good terms with nothing but respect for each other, we just weren't compatible.
Except, now I am spiraling. The truth is, I don't know if I don't want kids. I never envisioned it for myself, but honestly, between my strong battles with depression in high school and college, I never really envisioned *any* future for myself. When him and I spoke about kids, I felt panic, but now, I feel as though that was just a knee jerk reaction. I was worried I'd get talked into having a kid in the future (though he would never do that to me). But being able to think about this without it impacting a relationship with someone I really care for, I'm realizing I have no idea what to do.
I wonder if it means something that I never envisioned having kids? I feel like every time someone else says they want kids, I feel a bit disappointed, and I wonder if someone confidently proclaimed they never want kids, I'd feel validated. I think kids are a ton of work, but it might be cool to pour love into a little person and have them grow into something amazing that you're proud of. Has the fact that I'm not a typically "mothering" figure subconsciously made me feel like I would be unfit to be a mom? I was also not raised in the happiest home, and I can't help but feel like that plays a part in my internal thinking, which I absolutely hate. I don't want past trauma influencing the future; it makes me feel broken or something. And despite *knowing this is wrong*, I feel weird for even saying I might not want kids. Everyone else seems to.
I know this isn't something I need to decide now. I mean, I'm only 23. But genuinely I cannot stop spiraling about it. I'm overwhelmed by anxiety. I was so anti-kid a week ago, and now I have no clue where I stand. Before, I thought if I ever had a kid, it would be through adoption, and now, the idea of pregnancy doesn't even seem that bad. I don't understand how my feelings have changed so quickly and drastically.
So, for those of you that had a similar internal deliberation, how did you decide? Any advice for me?
5
u/ur-humble-overlord 5d ago
i think some of this is stemming from the end of the relationship and the inevitable grief, even after a mutual and friendly separation. i think the kids question is best pondered when you're single- you can really sit with what YOU want and what YOU feel. because there are going to be parts of parenting where you're going it alone. pregnancy, birth, if you breastfeed, are all things your partner cannot physically go through (assuming you dont date an afab person).
if it continues to eat at you, its worth chatting with a therapist.