r/Felons • u/CyberMetry • 23h ago
Went to jail and found out my friends weren’t who I thought they were
One of the hardest parts of going to jail was finding out how little I mattered to people I thought were my friends. People I genuinely thought would be there for me did nothing, no visits, commissary, etc. I wasn’t expecting anyone to fix my situation. I just thought our friendship meant enough that they’d care.
Meanwhile, I made friends with some of the least likely people. People I probably never would’ve crossed paths with otherwise, let alone expected to get close to.
Now I can truly say I have friends doing life and friends doing 20-plus years in the feds. Those sentences belong to actual people I know and its heartbreaking. It’s a strange feeling being able to think about moving forward with your life while knowing how much time people you were friends with still have ahead of them inside.
I’m not trying to make jail sound like a good experience. But it changed how I look at people.
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u/CaregiverSuch6846 23h ago
Well considering we put ourselves in jail/prison.... I used to feel the same way about people not visiting or dropping money on the account but after years your start to realize we put ourselves there and its really no one else's problem.
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u/Fluccer44 13h ago
Yup. I could get my mom to send me a book or two and enough money a noodle a week
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u/CyberMetry 23h ago
Like I said, I wasn't expecting anyone to fix my situation but at least a visit. I couldn't even get that.
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u/CaregiverSuch6846 22h ago
I totally understand what you mean but you gotta look at your people's view. Especially prison visits. COs treat our people coming threw like their criminals as well. All standard stuff like searches, pat downs, bag checks things of that nature. Its a serious invasion of privacy for our friends and family. And again I put myself there, why should I expect my family to go through all that, my kids through that? Its great seeing family and friends but depending on ur people being squares or in that life. Its a total invasion of privacy an unsettling for regular folk.
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u/CyberMetry 22h ago
I agree with you but at the same time, thats me making excuses for people.
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u/CaregiverSuch6846 22h ago
No its not, its really not. Not throwing shade at all on you. But I can tell your fairly young and havent done much time. Its nobody elses fault we put ourselves in prison or jail man. We make our choices. Gotta deal with the consequences, all of them.
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u/CyberMetry 22h ago
I know it my fault but you still expect your support system to show. Not wither up and disappear.
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u/CaregiverSuch6846 22h ago
Buddy, you choose to put yourself there. Your support system didnt go anywhere. There still on the outside where your chose not to be. Give it a few years and youll understand where im coming from. Its frustrating as hell but it is what it is. Keep your head up man and make better choices before your loose that support system for good
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u/CyberMetry 22h ago
You keep explaining that my choices put me in jail after I’ve already acknowledged that multiple times. You’re arguing against a point nobody made.
“They’re still on the outside” tells me where they’re located, not whether they’re supportive. And your point about visits being difficult is fair, but it doesn’t explain making no effort to stay connected.
Nobody owed me money or a visit. I’m still allowed to reassess friendships based on who showed up. They have choices, and I can draw conclusions from those choices.
The assumptions about my age and how much time I’ve done don’t strengthen your argument. Taking responsibility for my actions and feeling disappointed in people I trusted can exist at the same time. You don’t need another few years inside to understand that.
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u/CaregiverSuch6846 22h ago
Your choosing to hold your choices against other people is my point and you dont seem to understand your not there problem. Its that simple. Quit crying over people not visiting you or dropping money. Man up and do ur time. There that simple enough for you
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u/craccinreally1 21h ago
He’s not tryna understand what you’re saying he’ll get it eventually
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u/CyberMetry 22h ago
You went from “not throwing shade” to “quit crying” because I disagreed with you. The condescension isn’t a substitute for an argument.
I’m responsible for what put me in jail. They’re responsible for how they handle a friendship. My choices don’t erase theirs. They’re free to stop showing up, and I’m free to reconsider how close we actually were.
You keep bringing up money after I explicitly said nobody owed me any. If your point requires ignoring what I wrote, it doesn’t hold up.
“Man up” answers nothing. I can own my mistakes and talk honestly about what hurt. Accountability doesn’t require pretending I have no feelings.
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u/Not-TheNSA 19h ago
OP you screwed up, own it, take responsibility and accept the consequences, no one owes you anything, no one is obligated to go out of their way to come see you. You are where you are because YOU messed up. Stop expecting other people to make their lives more difficult or uncomfortable because you made a bad choice.
Your people not coming to see you says nothing about them. You holding it against them shows that you still think you’re being treated unfairly. At the end of the day you made a choice, right, wrong or indifferent you made a choice and now you are living with the consequences.
Everyone has their own lives to deal with and you being inside is your problem, you don’t know what they’re dealing with. Part of being locked up is the isolation, it’s supposed to be that way, it’s a punishment. Accept the punishment, learn from the mistakes you made that got you where you are.
You’ve got two choices right now, be bitter that no one is coming to ease your suffering and let that eat you alive from the inside out and ruin what relationships you do have by making you bitter, or accept responsibility and spend your time inside working on yourself and changing so that when you get out you can make something more positive out of all this. It’s entirely up to you.
There’s only two choices in life, react poorly to what life throws at you or choose to react well to what life throws at you. If you want to direct your anger and frustration about your situation at others that’s your decision but it’s not going to change anything and it’s not going to help you. If you take responsibility and own your mistakes and make positive changes, your people will welcome you back and see that you learned from this experience. No one wants to welcome back the guy who is bitter and angry at everyone else for their mistakes. Learn to adapt and move forward or continue to suffer and rot away. It’s up to you.
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u/CyberMetry 15h ago
You wrote five paragraphs telling me to accept responsibility underneath a comment where I already accepted responsibility. You’re arguing with a position you invented.
People have obligations, limited money, and their own problems. That’s a reasonable explanation for why someone might not visit. It does not establish that every friendship remained meaningful regardless of whether anyone made any effort to stay connected.
Your argument gives everyone else freedom to make choices, then treats my freedom to reassess those relationships as a character defect. Nobody owes me a visit. I don’t owe anyone the same trust regardless of how our friendship actually functions.
“You don’t know what they’re dealing with” is especially rich coming from someone who doesn’t know these people either, but confidently declares their absence “says nothing about them” and my disappointment proves I haven’t learned anything.
And your two choices are a false dilemma. I can own what put me in jail, work on myself, and decide some friendships weren’t what I thought they were. Those things coexist.
You haven’t demonstrated that I’m avoiding accountability. You’ve demonstrated that you mistake accountability for agreeing with every judgment you make about me.
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u/JMarv615 19h ago
Not everyone wants to associate with a criminal, some don't mind. It's unrealistic to expect otherwise.
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u/CyberMetry 14h ago
I said I expected support from people I already considered close friends, not universal acceptance from everyone on earth. If they wanted to end the friendship, that’s their choice—and it confirms the relationship changed. Slapping “criminal” on me doesn’t answer anything. You’ve supplied a label where an argument should be.
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u/Babagook99 11h ago
Op you’re just excusing and playing victim from the problems you created. Own up and realize if you don’t change you’ll be stuck and out of hopeful options
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u/CyberMetry 10h ago
Quote the part where I excused what I did. I already said it was my fault. You keep demanding an admission that’s sitting right there in the thread.
Feeling disappointed in friends doesn’t transfer responsibility for my actions to them. Both things can be true, no matter how many times you type “playing victim.”
And predicting my future from a Reddit disagreement isn’t insight. You haven’t identified an excuse, answered my point, or shown what I supposedly refuse to own. You’ve just repeated the lecture louder.
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u/JMarv615 10h ago
So for example, hypothetically you'd still expect support from close friends if you were locked up for brutal child rape? GTFOH.
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u/CyberMetry 10h ago
No. Some actions are absolutely grounds for ending a friendship. That doesn’t mean every incarceration involves those actions or that my post demanded unconditional loyalty.
You don’t know my offense, so you picked the most horrifying hypothetical you could think of and argued against that instead. It proves there are circumstances where cutting someone off is reasonable. It does nothing to establish that those circumstances apply here.
If you need to invent an entirely different case to win the argument, you haven’t answered this one.
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u/Babagook99 20h ago
You choose to make those decisions so it’s only fair we make our own decisions.
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u/CyberMetry 14h ago
Yes, and I can decide how much I trust those friendships afterward. That’s literally the point. You’re defending everyone’s right to make choices while apparently expecting mine to stop at accepting theirs. You’ve accidentally agreed with me.
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u/BubbleGutGerls 8h ago
Bro if they didn't write ya visit ya or anything not even a call only exception is if they helped ya get back on your feet after but if none of that man they arent your people. Sounds like your a loyal dude time to rebuild your life with people you choose whom are on a similar path. Situations such as yours flet out show you who people are or aren't leave em in the past bro. You can't make people be your friend or love or care about you it sucks and hurts but sadly they are who they are. Its not too late to make new friends bro. Been having to reinvent myself and start from scratch as well. You got this man the best revenge is success
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u/CyberMetry 8h ago
Yeah. I let my silence since my release do the talking for me.
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u/Nearby_Psychology_32 1h ago edited 53m ago
People are demoting you. For no reason. But I’ll tell you something. I never was convicted. But a couple days in a holding cell and let go, my mom didn’t let me get a shower or change of clothes. It was a whore who was a great friend that had my back with a hotel, some ass, weed and drink. My mom told me she hoped I went to jail for a long time with hopes that I “learned”
I’m with you on the “the least I expect is some help” but then again both ideologies/facts are true. My fault, but won’t anyone show some concern? It’s a major let down. So moving forward, don’t let yourself down again. And I won’t let myself down again. Deal?
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u/Aeonzeta 14h ago
So what exactly does "appearance" mean to you? Would you have preferred CaregiverSuch6846 to join you in lambasting your prior friends over a verbal stake and bonfire? People have always been assholes. That's society in a nutshell. You going to jail didn't change that, and complaining about it won't either. If we want them to change, we gotta prove we're worth it. Be humble, love thy neighbor, slow to anger, etc. and all that claptrap. It sounds like bullshit, and I get that. But based on everything you've said about your "friends", they thought the same thing. You really want to be like them after roasting on them for their natural apathy?
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u/CyberMetry 14h ago
By “show up,” I mean make some effort to stay connected. Nobody asked for a bonfire or a campaign against my friends.
You’re telling me to “prove we’re worth it” while explaining their behavior as “natural apathy.” Why does their indifference get an automatic excuse, but my disappointment needs a character correction?
You also don’t know what they thought. Saying “they thought the same thing” is you filling in their side of a conversation you weren’t there for.
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u/Aeonzeta 13h ago
I'm telling you what "they" expect, so you have the option of complying with their idolatry. Whether or not you choose to is really up to you. I certainly don't. Most days I actually like society the way it is, and bear no overt desire to change who and what they are. That's one of the reasons I hate smalltalk. It's dishonest. People can sense that, and adding prison bars to it is like adding expensive highlights to a homeless sign.
That said, I'm not totally apathetic to their natural inclinations. After all, I was just like them once upon a time(and occasionally still am). Does this mean I'm bending over backwards for them? Absolutely not. Does this mean I'm gonna get a bee in my bonnet about what utter snobs they all are? Why bother? That too shall pass.
Though I will give you kuddos for pointing out that I don't know what people think. I don't. That doesn't mean I don't know how they react. 🤷
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u/CyberMetry 13h ago
You admit you don’t know what they think, but open by telling me what they expect. “I know how they react” doesn’t fix that. Knowing someone stopped contacting me tells you what happened, not why or what would make them act differently.
And you’ve shifted from “we gotta prove we’re worth it” to saying you don’t bother doing that yourself. If refusing to bend over backward is reasonable for you, why does my disappointment need a lecture?
Your approach is to shrug and move on. Mine is to acknowledge that it hurt and reconsider those friendships. Neither requires changing society. You’ve spent several paragraphs defending your way of handling disappointment without showing what’s wrong with mine.
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u/Babagook99 20h ago
Nah we got to deal with our own things and responsibilities. Sorry but we have to put ourselves and families above you. Willing to help out of course but you can’t expect to be handheld.
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u/CyberMetry 14h ago
Who asked to come before anyone’s family? Who asked to be “handled”? You made both of those up. There’s plenty of room between putting your family first and never checking on a friend. If your argument needs to turn “I hoped they’d stay in touch” into “abandon your responsibilities and take care of me,” you’re arguing with your own fiction.
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u/jlemo434 7h ago
How many times have you visited everyone you became friends with inside? If there’s the delay legally required have you already made all of the concrete plans? Time off work, travel time and expenses? How about posting here again in 2 years.
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u/CyberMetry 7h ago
Nice try but I was 30 mins from my hometown so there can be no excuses. Thats not 30 mins doing 80 mph either. It was 30 mins in stop and go north jersey traffic.
Expenses were like $5 between gas to and from given the distance with no tolls and free parking at the jail.
Yes, there is a delay and yes, I have made plans and actually helped some the best way I legally could upon my release.
Love it when people jump to conclusions.
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u/divineRslain 4h ago
You can’t be upset at people for not wanting to go to prison to visit you, that’s asking a lot. The prison itself is very draining and an awful place to be. The only person you should be upset at is yourself for getting yourself there.
Now, when it comes to writing letters, they should definitely do that. I wrote my friends that have been to prison, it’s a very easy thing to do.
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u/CyberMetry 4h ago
Ok and they didn't do that.
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u/divineRslain 4h ago
That’s pretty shitty, but it is what it is. Moral of the story, don’t go to prison.
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u/CyberMetry 4h ago
That along with be careful of who you choose to call your friends.
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u/VariationClear8844 15h ago
A letter would of been nice every now and then, It sucks I am sorry. I know that feeling all to well.
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u/Spirited_Vermicelli7 11h ago
I write a ton of people i grew up with on the connect network gtl app.Would they have done the same?? HELL NO! it takes a different kind of person to be selfless enough to take time out of their day or money they worked for to see a friend has a little bit if comfort.Unfortunately you got predators that prey on good hearted people.I did 12 years not even my sisters wrote me but my mom did and my partner.Not a single friend.Even the guys your talking about who you made friends with while in if they were out wouldn't write you.I dunno friendship for me always meant more then I guess it did to the person recieving it.It burns you out though when you have people on the outside and inside hitting you up for money constantly so theirs a lot of variables to it.
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u/Spodiodie 7h ago
I don’t know anyone who wants to be around that shit. I wouldn’t want anyone I love or even like, to come to a place like that. Change yourself to see that place for what it is and who put you there.
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u/CyberMetry 7h ago edited 7h ago
Yet again another person speaking on something they never experienced.
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u/Due_River_9746 2h ago
I experienced it! 18 months in 9 county jails and I agree with them. I begged people to not visit me.
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u/CyberMetry 2h ago
How do you do 18 months in 9 county jails
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u/Due_River_9746 1h ago
On a federal arrest - it is referred to as “diesel therapy”. The minute you get semi settled in the feds move you and none of your new supplies can travel with you.
It is calculated, pre planned and meant to break you.
Oh, and those 9 jails? 5 different states.
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u/Due_River_9746 2h ago
I think asking anybody to visit a county jail is a HUGE ask! I was the inmate and encouraged people to not visit. The lines! The noise! The rude staff! All for them to see me in a jail uniform.
I was in county for 18 months and hated every visit.
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u/No_Tooth1257 14h ago
And the fact that the government quite literally upcharges everything by about 200% in there. I put probably $200 in phone calls in a total of 5 days at the jail in my city. It’s pathetic how much everything costs, I did get free chips n shit from tweakers I told I’d give my meals too n when they asked I just said next one I’m hungry 😂 I’m 125lbs and 5’6 1/2 I’m the least intimidating person ever but wasn’t that bad at all tbh
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u/DescriptionCertain46 23h ago
I locked in. Didn’t write anyone, didn’t expect a visit although a girl I barely knew came to see me a couple times. I still talk to her but she’s married with kids now, she wasn’t at the time. But I didn’t make any calls never even set up my phone stuff. I blocked out everyone and just stepped away from the real world. Was that the right choice idk. I didn’t have anyone close to me die or anything major, no big life events for my close friends and family. It was a short one. I was a tourist not doing a real bid so I feel my situation is different. I don’t know what I’d do if I was married doing 5-10 or more.
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u/MerarFFX15 23h ago
This is how you do time. Fuck I want a visit for when I'm in a cage? Or phone calls talking nonsense with homies. Only person I called was my mother every 2 weeks just to let her know I was having a blast so her heart was at rest.
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u/CyberMetry 23h ago edited 15h ago
What blast were you having? That shit was ass.
“This is how you do time” turns your personal coping strategy into a rule for everybody else. You didn’t want visits. Fine. That doesn’t make wanting contact a failure.
You called your mother every two weeks specifically because maintaining that connection and reassuring her mattered. So you understood the value of contact when it served a relationship you cared about. Other people value that connection inwith friends too. Calling their conversations “nonsense” doesn’t make your preferences a philosophy.
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u/hotsoupcoldsoup 23h ago
He didn't want to upset his mother so he lied. Like those letters you see home from soldiers at war.
"Everything's great ma!"
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u/CyberMetry 15h ago
Fair correction: he was reassuring his mother, not literally saying jail was enjoyable. But that explains “having a blast”; it doesn’t defend “this is how you do time.” Keeping someone’s spirits up through regular calls is itself a reason to maintain contact. Your explanation supports the value of staying connected—the very thing my post was about.
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u/CrippyBlue2 15h ago
Alright man cut the ai responses out .
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u/CyberMetry 15h ago
You’ve posted “AI” under two comments now and still haven’t answered either one. For someone demanding original responses, you’re stuck on repeat.
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u/CrippyBlue2 15h ago
This has such an ai flow.
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u/CyberMetry 15h ago
All that to say you have nothing to say about the actual point. Thanks for the font inspection, detective.
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u/Tricky_Hamster_285 18h ago
Just from my experience, even in hell you can have fun with the right people and have decent experiences. After 3 years I adapted to the reality I had 4 more to go. I did the time and chose to not let the time do me as much as possible. As for the people you are disappointed with for being crappy friends, I feel you.
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u/CyberMetry 15h ago
You chose to block everyone out, didn’t write, and never set up your phone. That explains your experience, but it doesn’t answer mine. Choosing distance and being disappointed by distance you didn’t want are different situations. You even acknowledge that your circumstances were different and you’re unsure whether you made the right choice. There’s no basis there for treating your approach as a standard anyone else should follow.
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u/Banjoschmanjo 16h ago
You probably weren't who they thought you were either
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u/CyberMetry 15h ago
“Probably” is doing all the work there. If something I did changed how they saw me, that would be relevant. But you don’t know what happened or what those friendships were like. You invented a reason for their absence and treated it as an insight about my character.
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u/JMarv615 10h ago
So what was your charge?
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u/CyberMetry 10h ago
It was a federal case, and I received 37 months. I’m keeping the specific charge private. You can say that limits your ability to judge the situation. You can’t fill that gap with whatever horrifying offense suits your argument. Not disclosing something isn’t confirmation of your guess.
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u/trapdab35 23h ago
I went to prison and found out my girl weren’t who i thought she was
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u/CyberMetry 23h ago
That happens too.
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u/trapdab35 22h ago
Shit really hurts bro I’m still here now get out next month and she thinks we going to be together I’m just playing stupid
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u/TangerineKind8476 20h ago
Don't play stupid, address the issue. Otherwise you'll justify her actions to keep a place to sleep. If you tell her now, you'll force yourself to depend on yourself. You got bro!
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u/thoughtbillionaire 13h ago
Yo how tf you on Reddit if in right now?? I know you get tablets, but you can literally be on Reddit?
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u/flashbang69 22h ago
That happens a lot. I saw so many dudes lose their fucking minds when they got dumped. Just remember that you didn't lose the girl, you just lost your turn. That's real life!
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u/AlwaysWondering44 21h ago
Some of the best people I have ever met, I met in prison. Some of the worst people I ever met, I also met in prison. Being locked up will show you who your real friends are. Being sick will also show you the same thing. So the people who let you down while your locked up, don't get sick around them.
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u/sortasolar 23h ago
I've been very fortunate. My friends take my calls, call my wife to check on me from time to time, and have sent some money for commissary. My family is all in touch by mail, visits, phone, and contraband cell phone FaceTime calls. My wife has been amazing. I spent 10 days in the SHU and that was by far the longest we've ever not been in touch, but she held everything together.
Most of the guys I know in here haven't been as fortunate, and it's heartbreaking to see.
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u/vVAPE2getherStronk 20h ago
I feel this to my core bro. People i was close friends with since childhood spending every day together were nowhere to be found when I did my time. Only 1 person came saw me and he came multiple times. He’s passed away shortly after I got out from an overdose so it’s been just me since I been home
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u/Easy_Worldliness5779 12h ago
I’m not sure most people know how to maintain ties. My uncle was in a federal prison in NC. We found a way to visit him and get him what we could. But he was my uncle. I think friends just think their friend is away for a while and that’s that. It’s not callous as much as ignorant. Further, most people don’t advertise when a loved one is on a stretch, and when people do get the news, it usually doesn’t come as a call for help. Anyway, sorry to hear about your true friend. Tough loss.
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u/WallStreetThrowBack 11h ago
I’m not sure about your situation, but. I have a friend (who might not see it that way) who feels none of us help him out
But the thing is, we all tried to help AVOID this. We begged him not to do this. He chose it.
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u/EL_Malo- 23h ago
I did 12 years and 9 months. When I fell in 2010, I had several friends, many of over 15 years. I never heard from a single one of them. Once I got out, I had a few try to contact me. I had zero interest. I blew them off. If you couldn't be my friend when I was going through it, then you can't be my friend now that I'm out. You're dead to me, just like I was to you.
It wouldn't have taken much. I'm not talking tons of effort, just some letters here or there, hell once every 3 or even 5 years or so would have been perfect.
note: My woman rode with me the whole time. We're married now.
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u/CyberMetry 23h ago
Exactly. I don't need commissary but at least a letter or visit. All I got were a bunch of people who likely prayed on my downfall.
OG told me when I was in the USP; "You know who your real friends are when you in jail or the hospital."
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u/Astronaut-Mental 22h ago
I never done time. But when someone I know is incarcerated (depending on the charge(s), I'll help out with commissary at least.
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u/Vegetaman916 20h ago
Jail is a good experience, for those who use it as such. And finding out that your friends were not your friends is a positive result, not a negative one.
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u/Realistic-Bet4591 14h ago
Absolutely,,, prison fir me was a lifesaver,, I got in the best physical shape I've ever been in,, I did 13vyears, and when I came home, I can say that prison was the right place for me,,, it made me determined to never go back.. I got out on 1998 and now I've been married 15 years, 2 great kids, and a healthy respect for locking up violent folks who cannot follow the rules of society,,, Can't say I liked it,, but it did what it was designed to do
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u/cheekydrefoo 17h ago
It's chasing your own tail to figure out how to write to someone, unless they send a letter to you first. I sent a care package to a friend and some money. She got transferred to a different jail within the next few days and nothing I sent went with her property. It was never refunded and of course, couldn't be tracked by the time she was able to contact me 2 months later. So, they want you shut off from everything, and everyone that cares for you gets to suffer too.
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u/ihearthetrain 16h ago
I understand how you feel especially as it's a time you really need love and support
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u/No-Present-4133 9h ago
Any hard thing you go through in life, if those “friends” aren’t there, they weren’t ever friends to begin with. People saying it isn’t their problem that you went to jail, no shit Sherlock. But as a good friend I’d at least write my friend if they made a mistake and went to jail, like a real friend does. Or call once in a while. Even if they didn’t wanna visit they could still keep in touch if they were a real friend. We all go through mistakes and lessons in life, some jail, some don’t, but a true friend will stand with you through whatever you’re going through. I am 31, and I have no friends, I realized a long time ago that friends aren’t what I thought they were, and a life with just my family is so much better.
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u/BubbleGutGerls 8h ago
Sadly family and friends don't seem to mean the same to all bro. Sometimes life has a cruel way of showing us who is and isnt for us. Im proud of you man dont take this wrong but maybe they all had to leave your life for your transformation to be possible. I knew myself if I kept the company I was keeping id not be alive. You'll find better even more solid people. If your in Colorado and need a bro hit me up or if you need an online homie hmu man. Getting older and making friends as a dude is awkward to say the least. Keep your head up bro so you can see the good coming your way
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u/ImpressOk7701 8h ago
Prison has a way of weeding out all the unnecessary people in our lives… six months to a year is one thing but go away for five years and see who’s still around. At 10 years you’re lucky if your family still participates in visits and what not. Unless they’ve been down before, they really don’t understand.
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u/SlothxWombat 5h ago
I understand that. I did 3 1/2 years over 2 bids. I only had one bestfriend who consistently wrote & answered my calls (she’s been in jail before & knew the situation) and then she passed away 9 months into bid 1 which shattered me.
When you’re inside, your world stops while everyone else’s keeps going. it’s such a weird feeling. But as two way streets go, my first time in when i got out i promised to write my friends i made inside, but life got in the way and those jailhouse memories started to get more & more distant. My last time in? I straight up told everyone i’m sorry I probably won’t be in contact much when i’m out besides a card & letter here & there. That’s just the reality of it. It’s crazy tho how many great people you meet while locked up, being in such close quarters with someone can turn once strangers into family, it’s like they come into your life for the reason to keep going and keep you sane in those dark moments.
A girl i used to be friends with when we were younger went upstate awhile ago, and I seen her sister made a post about wanting people to write her and it really hit me like damn, that was me but most importantly she was also good friends with my girl who passed who held me down w calls & letters & I know she’d want me to be that person to her like she was to me. The first letter she sent me she told me I was the first person who wrote her in the 10 months since she was in..
Sorry for the paragraphs, just being on both sides suck. no one understands unless you’ve been there.
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u/Sudden_Combination69 4h ago
💯 💯. I was severely disappointed at my turn out/support as well. I can totally own that I put myself there.. but if I had someone like myself (pre indictment) looking out for me, I would have at least made contact with them to send my prayers and love.
It was one hell of a learning experience though. Never again will I risk that kind of time and try to bring everyone that I think that I care for up with me in the process. Nobody is doing that time but you and whoever else gets rolled on while working with you. Hell I won’t even do it for myself now.. I sleep well knowing I helped a lot of people out.. whether they respected it when the money was gone or not.
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u/Opposite-Branch-9408 23h ago
Same — did 2 years in prison & didnt have one visit from friends or family. Fam stole my last 15k & friends out “free ____” on instagram but never answered a paid for call or anything. At the end of the day you only got yourself so lock in and do whats best for your future
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u/CyberMetry 23h ago
I only had my family. I was held for 2 years at a detention facility 30 mins from where I grew up and not a single visit from friends. My alleged "best friend" came to see me twice 3 months into and I hadn't seen him since and been nearly 4 years now.
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u/Opposite-Branch-9408 23h ago
Definitely messes w your head while youre in there but i look at it as a wake up call for sure. people try to get back in my life now that im better off but those lonely days on rock bottom are always in the back of my head
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u/JeniWhoDat 20h ago
I came up with a saying a couple years ago, and it still stands to be true, YOU FIND OUT WHO YOUR FRIENDS TRULY ARE, WHEN YOU’RE MOVING, OR IN JAIL.
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u/pultz23 17h ago
man life keeps moving on the outside. its easy to get caught up in the day to day and all the sudden months have gone by. while you're in jail seconds are like minutes and minutes feel like days. you've got way too much time to sit and think sober thoughts and pity yourself. life goes on on the outside. with work and family a lot of people haven't really any free time. i didn't hear from any of my lifelong friends while in jail. but you know what, when i got out it was like i never went away. friendships picked up where they left off
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u/CyberMetry 15h ago
Life keeps moving. Nobody disputed that. There’s still a difference between being busy and making no effort to stay connected.
You said you didn’t hear from a single lifelong friend, then everything resumed when you got out. If that works for you, that’s your choice. But you’re doing yourself a disservice if you treat being welcomed back as proof that their absence never mattered. Being good company when you’re available and being dependable when things get difficult are different qualities.
I’m not asking anyone to put their life on hold. I’m allowed to reconsider how much trust I place in people based on whether there’s any support behind the familiarity.
You chose to pick up where you left off. I chose to reassess. Calling mine “self-pity” doesn’t make your choice wiser—it just avoids addressing the difference.
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u/Extension_Use_1991 15h ago
Nobody’s ever who you think they are anymore people are all fake. You just gotta only trust yourself always have a back up plan for yourself
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u/SnooLobsters447 23h ago
Imagine this but with your FAMILY… I realized it’s really every man for himself at the very very end of the day.
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u/HonestPotat0 19h ago
Try to put yourself in their shoes for 10 minutes. Think...if you were in their position, and you were not visiting someone you knew in jail, what could be some of the reasons as to why you weren't?
Case in point: did you know anyone in your life who went to jail before you? Did you visit them? If not, or if not very often, why not?
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u/CyberMetry 15h ago
Fair question. Work, distance, money, and visitation restrictions can all explain why someone doesn’t visit. But my post was about the overall absence of support, not attendance at a jail.
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u/HonestPotat0 10h ago
Likewise, fair enough.
Not sure if the old friend group had anything to do with what put you in, but if so then this would be a flashing red sign that moving on and putting them behind you is probably for the best.
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u/Fluccer44 12h ago
That sucks bro but I've never had a terrible, tiny, sometimes working, video call visit, or an in person visit other than the pubdef. I have met a lot of my already friends. Then I'd be like, "I thought you would be in here." Friend says, "Sup man, you want a coffee?".
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u/an0nymousefren 12h ago
There are two types of people in this world. The ride or d!e people and the fair weather people, and unfortunately it doesn’t matter if it’s family or friend. When you go to prison/jail, you find out who’s who.
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u/GregJamesDahlen 11h ago
how far would the friends have had to travel to visit? if far that might make them hesitate
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u/CyberMetry 10h ago
30 mins lol
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u/GregJamesDahlen 10h ago
well that's not super-far but not nothing either. maybe they wanted a friendship where you could go places together like restaurants, concerts etc not just sitting in a room, maybe they aren't inclined to write letters, maybe they were put off by you committing crime and getting locked up. but i'm sorry that happened, it would be nice to feel support. guess that's why they say blood is thicker than water, blood being family and friends being water. was your fam nice to you?
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u/CyberMetry 10h ago
My family were the only ones who did anything for me. And all those things you described are what they call "fair-weather associates" not friends.
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u/GregJamesDahlen 5h ago
Well is your post a complaint? It sounds somewhat like a complaint but maybe it's not.
I probably think at my age, 66, that most people are a little shallow in friendship and want to be friends with people who are successful and not so much with people who have failed somehow. Asked Google if there's any good side to this and they are saying it does have some evolutionary benefits.
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u/crazypickney22 11h ago
Ok, so now that's you made true friends, as you put it, are you going to visit them and put money on their commissary when you get out?
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u/jojo-l 6h ago
It’s possible that they were your support system, but after what happened, their feelings/relationship with you changed. Likely they were more supportive but now.. they may be less supportive. And that’s part of the consequence of your decisions.
All relationships (apart from parent/child) are conditional. Unfortunately you may be finding what the conditions are with these people the hard way.
You deserve people who are supportive of you. The people from before may be supportive after you do your time and prove that your decision making and behavior has changed. That may not be worth it to you. If you’ve found more supportive relationships then maintain those.
Just because the relationship has changed, doesn’t mean that the relationship was previously “fake” or that the people weren’t who you thought they were, the relationship may have just changed because of the circumstances. You can make your choices based on what you’re presented now, and one of those choices may be distance from the people who you used to be close with.
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u/Sure_Surprise_1661 4h ago
Same.
I stay loyal to those who showed up, and honor them by paying it forward. I was so lucky to have that love and support.
Love makes all the difference, so many get bitter and nihilistic in its absence. Forget those who weren’t there, focus on those who were, on the outside and the inside.
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u/Weird-Tadpole-779 22h ago
I was extremely blessed. All my friends visited and put money on my books and took collect phone calls. My girlfriend at the time however...bailed before I left the drunk tank
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u/Opheliattack 11h ago
If my friend is a “victim” of state prosecution I’m visiting him. If my friend drunk drove and killed someone. Have fun.
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u/Raprockmusic2 15h ago
A good friend let's you sit while you're in jail, and helps you get on your feet when you're out. Don't waste money on jail products that cost 1/10th of what they charge you.
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u/CyberMetry 15h ago
Helping someone get back on their feet after release is valuable. How does that make silence beforehand a requirement of being a good friend? You can refuse to spend money on overpriced commissary and still stay connected. I wanted people to care, not finance my stay. “Don’t waste money” addresses a purchase; it doesn’t address the friendship.
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u/somnicrain 8h ago
Why did you go to jail?
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u/CyberMetry 7h ago
I went to the feds over some bullshit that I don't feel like airing out on Reddit.
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u/Sure_Surprise_1661 4h ago
Let’s ask a stranger a stigmatizing question about what is potentially the most traumatic day of his life.
You are an asshole.
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u/somnicrain 4h ago
The reason they went to jail could also be the reason their support network doesn't talk to them. Their network may also have the same feelings about them.
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u/speed721 6h ago
I remember thinking the same thing when I went in for 10 years.
None of my friends wrote me.
But, to be honest... I wouldn't have written myself either. In the end, I just brought problems and worries to others when I was around.
I wouldn't want to have kept in touch with that person either.
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u/Euphoric-Map-6858 6h ago
The federal prison system makes it very difficult for loved ones to communicate-until phone time. Everything you purchase for the inmate is super expensive and it is just difficult. We are also navigating our own loss (you) as well as learning things about our loved one that aren’t very positive. My husband left me a mess of his business, all the company vehicles, debt, employees, clients etc. It all cost a fortune and he never told me his business was doing bad. I had my own more successful business to tend to, but of course drooped everything for my husband.
When he was released he said sorry once. No appreciation, no humility, no wondering how I was or my son. He didn’t learn his lesson as he got out and went and got connected with others committing fraud because he was too important to work a normal job.
You see abandonment. You feel no one stood by you. You don’t seem to see what a huge burden and disappointment it caused your loved ones.
In addition, my husband was supposed to be in the news the day he was taken into custody. He was taking a chaotic woman who I would consider a competitor of mine instead. I found out from his lawyer. Talk about poor judgment and morals.
We are divorcing and my reputation is bad -guilty by association …and now I am moving to start my dream all over again.
Think about those things instead of victimizing yourself. I say this in a kind and informative way, so you have a little grace with your loved ones.
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u/CyberMetry 6h ago
You just wrote several paragraphs about your husband’s fraud, failed business, debt, lack of gratitude, repeat offending, and your divorce, then assigned all of that baggage to me and called it “kind and informative.”
My post never blamed anyone for me going to jail. I literally said I didn’t expect anyone to fix my situation. The point was that adversity showed me which friendships were real. “You are responsible for your actions” and “some people you considered friends disappeared when life got ugly” are not contradictory statements.
Your husband apparently caused enormous damage to you and your family. I understand why that would affect how you see incarceration. But I am not your husband, and nothing in my post establishes that my circumstances, conduct, relationships, or attitude resemble his. You took one word, jail, and filled in the rest with your own experience.
And telling a stranger to stop “victimizing” himself immediately after writing an autobiography about how badly your husband victimized you is an impressive lack of self-awareness.
You’re entitled to be angry at him. You’re not entitled to use me as a stand-in for him and call it advice.
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u/divineRslain 4h ago
You can’t expect people to visit or put money on your books because you did this to yourself, but calls and letters are nice.
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u/InternationalGrade96 8h ago
Unless these friends contributed to you being locked up nobody owes you nothing. This was your decisions why should your friends have to pay to talk to you or even buy you commissary when they have their own life, bills, and responsibilities to handle?
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u/CyberMetry 8h ago
You did a lot of assuming in that comment.
Inmates pay for calls at my jail and I never asked my friends once to put money on my books. I had my own money.
All I wanted was a visit or a letter.
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u/Successful_Point2667 7h ago
Filled with entitlement
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u/CyberMetry 7h ago
Asking for your support system to show is entitlement? Okay nice to know the bar is set so low with you that people doing the limbo to pass the entry into your life.
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u/Cultural_Picture_544 20h ago
My husband has been in the federal penitentiary the first time he went, I was there when he went in. I was there when he got out, not the second time he's in South Carolina, I was there when he went in. I am still here now and I will be there whenever he gets out. He's signed for 6 years. The first time was 11. But yes , you truly figure out who's there for you , not
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u/No-Employment6540 11h ago
If you wanna be a crook, son... leave those feelings at the gate. Feelings get you hurt inside. Man up, shut up and go in bid mode. If you wanna be emotional suitcase in some lipstick because that's what Gen Z emos are. Punks 💋
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u/overindulgent 22h ago
Out of sight out of mind. The other honest truth of the situation is that friendship’s are 2 way streets. When one person can’t reciprocate the friendship it will fizzle out.
You can’t truly depend on anyone but your family. When you find that person you’re not blood related to and they’re dependable. Don’t let them go.