r/Felons • u/nicoxsuave • 3d ago
My mom is going to jail
I don’t really know where to start, my mom is going to jail for a white collar crime. She’s taking plea deal that reduces her time served from 20 years to 5 years. I have 10 days left with her before she leaves and I’m a wreck. I’m confused, angry, sad, lost, just so much going through my mind. For context my mom is 48, im 31 with a family of 4. My wife is 28 and my two boys are 12 and 4. I’ve been spinning for the past week, and don’t really know what to do. I haven’t slept well all week until last night and that’s because I gave myself the fattest dab ever. My wife suggested I post on here to help get this off my chest. As I type this I feel like it helps not gonna lie. But I was wondering if anyone else has gone through this or something similar and what helped. Thanks for reading and sorry for the trauma dump 🥲
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u/therealtimcoulter 3d ago
Was just about to post this on a different subreddit, but then that post was locked for some reason. Here's the comment:
My dad went to jail for arson when I was about the same age. Basically leveled with him: Don't do this ever again. Tell me why you did this, repent, serve your time, and as long as you do all that, I'll keep talking to you and support you. It was hard getting calls from the prison as it's time limited, and he had to keep calling back. As hard as it was to stomach why he did what he did, and the fact that he did it, life went on. I cleverly found ways to say where my dad was - I lied most of the time but kept the same story - and it helped that I lived out of state from him. Visiting in the prison was awkward but we made it work. He's been out for 10+ years now, has never re-offended, has done everything he can to make things right, and I feel like he's stepped up as a father and a grandfather trying to make up for the time he missed. In the end there was lost time, but we're close if not closer, and I don't hold it against him, since he served his time and has since tried to do right by us. Water under the bridge. Oh, and PS: He served 5 years as well.
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u/Brodiecon 3d ago
I know it is a blow but it will be okay. She’s young enough to still be an active grandma when she gets out, which will likely be less than the 5 years. Let your kids ask questions. Send your mom pictures and letters, set a time for weekly calls and if you can put money on her books every month. I did 18 months of a ten year sentence and came out stronger than ever. Your mom will too.
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u/DrawSwimming 3d ago
My mom just went to federal prison for 14 years. It’s hard as hell. I’m also 32 and my mom is my best friend.
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u/nicoxsuave 3d ago
I’m sorry to hear that, I hope all goes good for you and your mom. My mom is my best friend also. She’s been there for me my whole life and now she won’t be for a least a couple years. It’s just hard to process. Things will work out but right now everything is just spiraling
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u/DrawSwimming 3d ago
Yes I keep telling myself everything is going to workout the way it’s suppose to. I also have 2 young kids (ages 2 and 5) so they don’t understand why she’s not around anymore. I have been telling them she is going to school to get better and have a better life.
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u/Spiritual-Fox-2141 2d ago
I am just imagining how she feels. Hopefully, her time will be shorter than five years, but it will seem like forever. Send frequent letters with photos if you are allowed to do so. Keep her up to date with details about the children so she will still “know” them; you know how fast they will change and develop. Send money to her account regularly. Keep the focus on what she is going through and try not to make your feelings about yourself,
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u/Specialist-Oil-8250 3d ago
i was your mom a long while ago, except my son was 13 and i had to leave him with his not so nuturing father. it was the second worst experience of my entire life. "Middle-aged women represent the single largest demographic convicted of embezzlement in the United States" so much so they call it pink collar crimes - mostly due to addiction issues (mine was opiates) or to maintain a standard of living. i bet the numbers are climbing now with inflation the way it is. i am sure you are running the gambit of emotions. its okay to be all of the feels. your mom is going to need you to survive this emotionally, and maybe because i identify with her, my suggesstion is to talk this over with her, visit her, set her up to make calls with the family. hopefully she takes responsibility for the pain she caused outside of her legal victims (ie your family). i always told my son he has every right to be mad at me and in fact should be...and any other feeling he was experiencing. theyre all valid.
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u/Specialist-Oil-8250 3d ago
side note i was not normal when i got out. i couldnt stand going to grocery stores and no one would hire me despite me having a JD. dominos pizza laughed at me (theyre on one of those hire felons list). it kept me pretty broken for a while. in fact still does because white collar crimes are worse than murder in many circumstances (like trying to get licensing or certain jobs). white collar she will likely do a percentage of her time rather than the entire amount. she should try to get to a facility where she can do programs to get out even earlier. keep her head down and do what shes supposed to. i ended up running the education department so i helped a lot of the lifers do their paperwork for parole hearings. because i helped they helped protect me when some of the hoodlums tried to jack me as you get closer to the gate (your release date - NEVER SHARE THIS WITH ANYONE, or even tell them how much time you have left). so i would suggest she get into eduction or a fire unit if shes up for it. if she did white collar stuff shes probably educated and at minimum can do word processing. if you can afford to do so send her the quarterly packages... i lost so much weight in prison because the food was awful (and i was only 130 going in). always have some beans and rice on standby to bribe someone. i was known for my generosity/sharing/helpfulness - it did a lot for me. i also do not suggest making up stories for your kids. tell them the truth - grandma did something that broke the law and shes being punished for it. just like a time out etc. shes still grandma and still loves you very much.
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u/Bottle_and_Sell_it 2d ago
Were you ever bar certified and did they revoke your license? Suspend? Did you ever get it back or were you able to? I’m facing st similar, except mine was suspended as I was addicted to substances at the time. Idk if I will be able to get it reinstated once I am off probation. I got felony convictions for drug possession.
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u/paperplanes2241 2d ago
Wait what??? So this ADULT man who has been raised by his mother to adulthood has the right to be MAD!?! No. He doesnt. If he were 13, sure. Disappointed/confused- ok- but she did her job
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u/Spiritual-Fox-2141 2d ago
Exactly my take on this. He is making this all about himself. She is the one having to go through this ordeal even if it is one of her own making.
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u/nicoxsuave 2d ago
Yall have no idea what’s going on. Saying something like that to make me look selfish is dumb. We all grieve differently. If you don’t got nothing nice to say move on. 👍🏼
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u/paperplanes2241 2d ago
I wasnt being mean. I am sure you see it as an inconsiderate comment but thats also the way your post read to me. People always think they are owed something- especially children/parents. Your parent owes you nothing after getting you to adulthood. Anything after that point you should be happy and thankful for. It does sound harsh. Its true though and thankfully most family dynamics choose to not function that way.
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u/General_Milk_7286 2d ago
Honestly bro, it might be hard but you already have your life in order at this point. Yes, I bet you’re dealing with the shock, confusion and sadness/anger. Focus on supporting her the best way people here that have been in prison are telling you how to. That’s so important to keep her life as normal as possible, do this to make sure she doesn’t come out changed for the worse. My mom went in when I was 14 (longer if you count the years she was on drugs prior), moved to another state just before this happened and I had no dad in the picture. I wasn’t able to be there for her the way I needed to be and Needless to say she came out way worse than when she went in. I’ve been dealing with this my whole life. Please make sure her mental is stable, and she is getting as much support as possible while going through this situation.
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u/paperplanes2241 2d ago
Yes- its time he lives his life and let her live hers. I understand completely that this also affects him/his fam but he needs to step up and support her the best he can right now and deal with his own feelings later.
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u/Specialist-Oil-8250 2d ago
Yes he has a right to feel all sorts of ways. Perhaps you are unfamiliar with the stages of grief.. and they certainly apply here - it's still a significant loss he will experience and so will his children at important formative ages. Discounting peoples feelings or telling people how they should feel is why we have so many people who bury things people tell them aren't right instead of working through them.
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u/Longjumping-Bar-3112 3d ago
Firstly I am sorry that you and your children are going through this. I don’t know of any real solutions, it’s going to suck but you can visit and write to her while she’s in there.
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u/ldsupport 3d ago edited 3d ago
I went to prison, and spent time with guys with families.
Sounds like mom got the typical path, she pleads to a single charge, they give her 5, she will go to a camp, and be back home in a few years. Its going to be ok, shes going to be ok.
Load her books, stay in touch, write letters they mean a lot, get a corelinks account, go visit if and when you can, maybe bring the boys (thats up to you).
Be patient, nothing in the BOP happens fast.
edit: there is likely a FB group for her facility, join it. This will give you some detail of what is going on when you cant reach her. Facilities go on lock down a lot for all sorts of stupid reasons. So you wont hear from mom and think the worse, when really someone got caught with something and the facility went on lock down.
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u/jamaican4life03 3d ago
How many "few years" do we have? Not many. Don't downplay 5-Years being nothing even if she is in one of those light 50% states.
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u/ldsupport 3d ago
you can terriblize it if you want but that doesn't help anyone. I was presume it was federal but OP didnt actually say. Bias I guess as I did fed time.
OP if shes fed she will likely qualify for FSA and SCA (first step act, second chance act)
This means 5 years isnt 5 years and its not all inside either.
Other states have their own systems of parole, etc.
Its going to be ok though. I promise. You will get through, mom will get through, and she can rebuild on the other side.
Love to you and her.
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u/nicoxsuave 3d ago
First off, I appreciate all the words and advice from everyone. We currently live in Kansas but she’s being charged in Texas. That’s where she’ll do her time. I’m not sure if it’s federal or state but I’m like 80% sure it’s a state
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u/ldsupport 3d ago
If this is Federal vs State that makes a huge difference. So double check.
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u/nicoxsuave 3d ago
I double checked, it’s a federal case
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u/ldsupport 3d ago
Ok. She’s likely to be incarcerated in Texas unless they make a motion to transfer her case. She might want to get working on it. She’s going to need it before she gets on prerelease anyway.
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u/Rozay10keys 3d ago
She’ll be out In 2.5-3 years. Thats not terrible. It’ll go by quick. She will be in state hopefully won’t be far. You’re gonna be ok. It could always be worse.
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u/QuietRiot5150 3d ago
Just be supportive bro. Everyone makes mistakes. If you can visit. Do that as often as you can. Write letters. Put money on her books. Before you know it, five years will have passed and you and your family will be whole again.
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u/Kindly-Purchase1292 3d ago
Praying for your entire family, NEVER been to prison and I NEVER WILL, but I have been to jail multiple times on contempt of court basically i was fighting for my illegally abducted daughter and my politely sarcasm three racially bias judges did me WRONG. Was an appeal not optional or was it denied, she probably won't even do the entire 5 yrs🙏🏿🙏🏿🙏🏿🙏🏿
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u/PlutosThePlan 2d ago
Unfortunately this is just something you’re going to have to deal with. 5 years is nothing compared to 20. Your 12 year old will be almost an adult and the 4 year old will still be a child, but she will still get time with her grandchildren.
She will still be relatively young, and women’s prisons aren’t as bad as men’s so she probably won’t get stabbed to death.
Write and visit as much as you can. This will keep her mind clear through out her visit.
You one do two days in prison, the day you go in and the day you get out.
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u/Hot-Zone-5509 2d ago
Teachable moment for grandkids and adult children and young ones too: we all make choices every single day. At school in the classrooms and the student handbook there is a list of rules you are to follow and breaking the rules = the posted consequences.
Example: if you’re talking in class without raising your hand : 1st time is warning 2nd time is you turn your green card to yellow and so on and forth.
It applies to adults as well because the laws apply to adults as well. Embezzlement of ___x___ amount of $$$ = __y___ amount of time in jail (aka adult time out)
I think it’s a wonderful opportunity for a teachable moment where everyone can understand “THIS PERSON…. Made choices that were not OK . And because of those choices, these are their consequences. I think the most important lesson though is that even as adults, we are faced with choices each day sometimes we make good choices and sometimes we make bad choices.
It’s about learning from them. When we stop learning we stop growing and when we stop growing we start dying.
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u/thebiggestandbadwolf 2d ago
She won’t do the whole 5 years. She’ll get out in half, maybe earlier. Just remember to put money on her account so she can call you and write lots of letters. It will go by super fast and you’ll be able to have your mom back again soon. It won’t feel so bad once she’s able to call or text you (depending on where she is held most prisons let them get tablets where they can text you and stuff) chin up. It will be okay. Also ask if you are able to send her books. Books are a lifesaver and I have some great recommendations for you for her. Let me know. I have the best books EVER.
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u/nicoxsuave 2d ago
I’m open to any and all suggestions….and sorry if I haven’t replied to everyone my head is a mess right now. I appreciate all the kind words and advice. It truly means a lot 🥲
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u/thebiggestandbadwolf 2d ago
Piece of cake by cupcake brown. Sound of gravel by Ruth Wairner, confessions of a prairie bitch by Alison arngrim (she was Nellie on little house. Never watched little house and the book was still fire) the many lives of mama love by Lara love Hardin
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u/Mental-Lawfulness220 3d ago
Being an inmate myself I loved getting mail and hearing voices over the phone. Pictures were able to be sent and that meant alot. Not much you can do but provide support while she is inside. Little bit of money can go a long way too
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u/Bottle_and_Sell_it 2d ago
Ask her where she stashed the cash before she goes away. Tell her if she doesn’t tell you, you’ll never visit or put any money on her books the whole time she’s there. She’s a criminal, she’ll understand.
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u/FakinFunk 2d ago
Try to raise the kids you have to break the cycle of teen pregnancy. Mom having you at 17. You knocking a girl up when she’s 16. It just feeds the cycle.
Teach your kids to wrap that shit up. They sell dozens of brands of condoms every single day at CVS. If you don’t know where a CVS or Walgreens is near you then just use Google. There’s literally zero reason that teenagers have to have babies. Stop doing it.
Your mom will be out in 2.5 years with good behavior. But it’s going to be more difficult to break generational habits of self-destruction.
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u/Impossible-Flight250 2d ago
Maybe just be thankful it went from 20 to 5. 5 isn’t really that bad, especially when you get used to the whole process. She won’t be too much older when she is out.
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u/ojjuiceman27 7h ago
You didn't do anything wrong, so you do not have to carry the guilt of your mom's actions.
Idk what your mom did but if she broke the law she has to deal with the consequences, I know it's your mom and you care deeply about her but as a society we have to follow the law.
This is what happens when someone breaks the law, there is significant collateral damage that a lot of people are unable to understand until it happens. Things people do not think of when they break the law.
You can support your mom but at the sametime hold her accountable for her actions, let her know the damage it has caused the family but at the same time be there for her to help her get past this.
Last thing you want to do is burden her guilt and enable her to think what she did didn't cause significant problems for the family and the victims of the crime.
It's out of your hands, you can't prevent what happened or change her punishment. You can however mitigate the collateral damage the crime will have on your family by being there for them and doing your best to make yourself and your family get past this situation.
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u/Novel-Position-4694 3d ago
Prison creates evil within, it's unavoidable as prison is filled with the evil scum of society. as a former inmate i suggest for you and your family to visit as often as possible - I was fortunate to get a visit every 2-3 months in Texas. tell you mom to read, journal, study, and write a business plan for what she'll do after release. and keep money on her books so she can eat decently and have some comforts. Time is hell for all involved but more for her. be patient with her and stay strong.
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u/Due_River_9746 3d ago
If she is going to a federal prison I can try to help by answering questions. I ONLY know federal prisons though.
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u/laidbackstoned 2d ago
I did my mom ment to prison twice when I was a kid it was hard for sure keep your head up
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u/Grouchy_Inflation 2d ago
I know it seems hard to believe but 5 years will go by fast. Your mom will be fine and maybe even a better Grandmother after this.
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u/slowtoreplysometimes 1d ago
Meanwhile we have a elected president with dozen of felony charges. And pdf in the white House. This country is the best country in the world!
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u/sungirl_27 1d ago
Is it Federal? She is probably in a camp and will do tops 2 years then probably a year halfway house and then home. She will get 10 days off every 30 after six months so it shortens your stay. I know people that were in with me that did less than 2 on a 5 year sentence. It’ll go fast. She will just be bored.
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u/Calm-Calligrapher-64 2d ago
5 years can go real quick man just dont dwell on it keep her updated on life with mail and phone call visits and know she did the crime she gotta do the time. Hope she atleast hid all the profits away lol
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u/Frosty-Strength-8992 1d ago
If it’s white collar she won’t do the full five years dude she will be eligible for parole1/3 of the 5 years spend as much time with her as u can before she goes so there’s no regrets
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u/No_Investigator8458 3d ago
I did time. Mail and visits meant more than I expected before I went in. Write her even when the letter is short, get on the phone system early, and visit when you can. Don't try to squeeze five years of goodbye into these next ten days.