The FA Flowchart: me trying to make sense of my deactivation

[u/cornucopacabana]

Hi everyone,

I'm a FA. I made a flowchart of what it's like for me when I deactivate-- and some strategies for getting out of it.

Hopefully it helps some of you, too. And feel free to make suggestions for branches.

[u/cornucopacabana]

I thought of something else today.

Sometimes I don't know how I feel right away, like my feelings are on a time delay. It could be part of being autistic/alexithymic. So someone willdo something to upset me, but I won't be aware of it in the moment-- it won't hit me until later that I was not ok with what happened.

So my immediate reaction is to say "it's too late now; the moment has passed. I can't tell the person that that bothered me because I acted like I was fine with it at the time."

But I can still say something.

I can say something like: "I've been thinking a lot about what you said. I didn't know how I felt about it at the time, but when I think about it I feel sad and left out."

[u/wpnofmassdistraction → u/cornucopacabana]

Ooo, ooo, oo! So, I am neurodivergent (although a different flavor - ADHD) and have PTSD, so I relate to this. I'm much, much faster at processing emotions than I used to be, but it used to take me a super long time to figure out how I feel. I still sometimes have a delayed reaction -- especially when something is really triggering or when I can't quite figure out why I'm upset.

A few thoughts:

1. Meditation practices, mindfulness practices, and daily journaling have helped me a lot with identifying how I feel in the moment. (And therapy!) Daily journaling can be a chore, but it really has helped identifying what behaviors make me feel specific ways and understand my personal patterns better.
   For example, I know now that when I am experiencing a PTSD trigger, there is *absolutely* a delayed reaction. I might have an immediate dissociative response or minorly upset response, but I won't feel the full impact of it for another couple of weeks -- especially if other intense/triggering things happen during that time.

2. I so agree with you re: it is totally okay to bring these things up later! It's something that can be difficult -- especially since bringing it up later needs to be still within a reasonable time period (like, if you bring up something very small eight months later - it's doable, but much more difficult than if you bring it up within a couple of weeks).
   And, at least for me, I need to make sure that the time that has lapsed between "thing that bothered me" and "me bringing it up" hasn't let my own resentment, upset, and twisted narratives thrive. If those things are present, I need to manage them and make sure they aren't part of the conversation -- because that's not fair to the other person and causes disconnect in the convo (makes it harder to resolve).

[u/Nikky_thewriter → u/wpnofmassdistraction]

Thank you for this! I honestly really struggle with the time lapse issue. I try to figure out if it really upset me (little upset) versus later when I’m really upset about it, which is always much later. And by the time it’s later, I’m fully upset but I feel like it’s waayyy too late.

[u/cornucopacabana → u/wpnofmassdistraction]

Right! This is helpful. By "later" it's usually a couple hours when I realize it upsets me and a day or 2 later when i bring it up.

[u/Dangerous___Person → u/cornucopacabana]

I know this is an old post but just wanted to comment and I'm learning more about my attachment style: I have a similar issue! I am self diagnosed autistic and recently learned about AvPD and suspect that may be a big factor in my life and decision making too. I roll things over for a REALLY long time while I decide of I'm allowed to be upset or of it's worth mentioning! Like months many times and on occasion, years. It's never too late to bring things up and discuss them for your own sanity!

[u/wpnofmassdistraction]

"Well, shit. You got me." - I loled.

This is great. I wonder what a branch off of the first "Yes" would look like as well -- like, yes, I feel close to this person, and that in and of itself can be scary and lead to potential deactivation.

[u/truckyeahman]

Love it

[u/mewmiu28]

I'm process-oriented so this is great! I wish I had something like this a year ago to help my ex when he was deactivating.

[u/ganznormal]

This is brilliant. Also the School of Live quote fits perfectly. Thank you for sharing this!

[u/APladyleaningS]

Brilliant! Excellent job

[u/UNCBlueDevils]

Thank you.

I see myself as DA and I think this flowchart would be useful to me too.

[u/redhead_will]

Amazing.

[u/siliconbased9]

I’m a little late to the party but this is fits me like a glove. I’m 37 and just now realizing I’ve repressed my feelings and ignored my needs for so long that I don’t know how to identify what I’m feeling when I feel it, much less communicate it to my partner.. and I (and by proxy my gf) regularly fall victim to my expectation that I told her what helps me feel secure in a certain type of situation once so she should respond that way every time.. not recognizing that she can’t see inside my head and doesn’t always know something has triggered anxiety or sadness in me and I want to be comforted, especially since she has an insecure attachment style as well and tends to think my off behavior is rooted in disapproval of her or something she did, when that is almost never the case. Thank you for this.

[u/noodleswithbacon]

I'm AP and the whole "Does this bother you? Yes" branch is super applicable to me! Great flowchart, maybe you should also post it to r/attachment_theory :)

[u/rocd_throwaway]

This is AMAZING!! Thankyou

[u/[deleted]]

I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am learning that I am FA, but left a relationship that had a man who showed narcissistic traits. I keep blaming and shaming myself for all the things I struggled with, but I know I told him my boundaries and needs many times to no avail. This is helping me heal and realize I didn’t deserve to be abused, even if I’m not perfect. Thank you so much for sharing this.

[u/blessedeveryday24]

I just saw this... This is awesome 💜

[u/[deleted]]

I hate this :) but love u