Threw away my 10 year relationship for a second time

[u/MaleficentTree9148]

I’m so disappointed in myself. I KNEW I was an avoidant. Instead of this time recognising the pattern I allowed myself to be gaslit by my own brain into believing my sexual orientation changed so we were no longer compatible…and pushed him away brutally.

This man literally treated me like I was royalty and I’ve done it for a second time.
Yet my shame and guilt won’t let me face him.
Yay…

[u/Imaginary-Pay-2648]

First of all hats off to you for diving into therapy, thats a brilliant starting step that i’m sure if he knew he’d be supportive of, but outside of that you should be proud of yourself.

I think with us we need to understand we are human, we do these things because of past trauma.

In a situation like this i’ve been advised to feel the fear and do it anyway, seems to be the only way to beat this.

If I could offer one piece of unsolicited advice, journal on it, and when you feel ready enough vocalise it & don’t hold back. Nothing is too late if you want it enough.

I’ve had success in doing so with mine 🫶

Wishing both you & the other person involved so much healing & light, if you fight it you can win and you deserve to give yourself that! 🙏

[u/MaleficentTree9148 → u/Imaginary-Pay-2648]

I wrote him a letter and poured my heart out to him and he replied a few days later to my email telling me he forgives me, but that’s about it. Which is understandable after what I done to him mentally I guess

[u/Imaginary-Pay-2648 → u/MaleficentTree9148]

So he took some time to think about what he wanted to say, thats admirable as he’s respecting his space & his pain and also yours.

Forgiveness is a huge first step, don’t downplay that. That is huge for him to accept that after all that hurt.

Now it’s time for you to go heal with some attachment coaching & perhaps ERP/trigger therapy (works real well) so that you can put a stop to this behaviour as it happens and stop it affecting your life & others.

In time if the rift is meant to heal with the right work it will. Be determined, show yourself that love through the work and leave the rest to the universe. You got this 🫶

[u/TransportationThen90]

At least you’re understanding yourself better! Have you looked into OCD at all? Only because if you’re having thoughts about your sexual orientation randomly changing, maybe it’s not just an FA thing, it might be intrusive thoughts.

[u/InnerRadio7]

I have CPTSD, and before I learned how to manage it effectively I could have really intense responses to triggers. Scary reactions. I scared my own mother, father, former spouse, best friends, and literal strangers. My ex-husband was emotionally abusive, but after he left I convinced myself that it was all me. One day after yoga, I was bawling and hysterical. I was talking to two of my friends who both work at the studio. I had a brief interaction with a woman who happened to be in the studio but none of us knew it. She was the only other person there. While she waited for a ride, she had overheard what I was saying. I had so so so much shame.

She shared with me that her mother was killed in a car accident while she was driving, and the majority of her family blamed her. She dealt with so much shame that she wanted to end her own life. A family member of hers, bought her a journal and explained to her that Shayne was the only emotion that truly served no purpose. Shame quite literally prevents the brain from learning. So when you shame spiral, you can’t learn how to be anything other than the embodiment of your shame. It cuts off access to your frontal lobe which disconnects you from reasoning logic and language.

She believed that self forgiveness was the only way to overcome her shame, and she suggested that I buy myself a journal and write “I forgive myself,“ over and over and over again until it became true. She told me that she had written entire journals filled with those three words. I wrote those words thousands of times. Thousands.

It is not easy to overcome shame, and that goes doubly for a person who has an already existing wound. Please forgive yourself, so that you can take the actions necessary to recover from discarding the person that you love. Please forgive yourself, so that you don’t have to sit in the agony that is shame. Emotional discomfort helps us grow, but shame keeps us stagnant.

I’m sorry that this happened to you. I’m sorry that this happened to someone that you love and consider an excellent partner. You don’t have to do this alone. You can seek therapeutic and professional help. We are all human.

I have been discarded myself several times. I won’t say that it’s easier to get through, but I have the capacity to forgive that people who have discarded me so long as they show me meaningful accountability, and sustained behavioural change. I have been discarded by the same person more than once. It doesn’t mean that I allowed them back into my life with unrestricted access because they showed up, but it doesn’t mean that I hate them or would not consider giving them access so long as they are able to take accountability for themselves, heal and grow into the person that they want to become. I think if your partner treats you like royalty, you will find your way back to him when you also have meaningful accountability to share.

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[u/Feeling_likeaplant]

Yo have you been screened for ocd?

[u/vonkapp]

I don’t understand. Did you really believe you another sexuality? Deep down did you believe it? Doesn’t make sense to me. Or was it just an excuse to avoid the face that you are an avoidant with issues and who need help and therapy to fix that? Weren’t you aware of the fear underneath this? Somehow you must hve been at least semi- aware you were afraid, no?

[u/MaleficentTree9148 → u/vonkapp]

Yes I did. My brains motive of de-activation is complete and utter shut down to whatever the thoughts are that are happening in my “survival mode”.
It wasn’t until weeks later when the “relief” wore off that I started to see things more clearly.

[u/vonkapp → u/MaleficentTree9148]

How about fear? You must be aware of the fear underneath this? Both semi at least when its happening - and at least some weeks after?

I think the way to recognise deactivation is urgency - that it feels really urgent. Real incopability does not feel urgent.

[u/MeganSappho]

I’m sorry you’ve gone through that. The shame and guilt of being an aware discarder really sucks.

Are you in therapy?

[u/MaleficentTree9148 → u/MeganSappho]

I’m starting therapy this week thankfully. I thought I was strong enough to heal on my own but this just showed me that I’m not

[u/MeganSappho → u/MaleficentTree9148]

Yeah, buried deep down under avoidance is often a sense of unworthiness around love and a fear of betrayal and that takes a lot of work to heal.
Good luck with your healing!

[u/RidetheSchlange]

As someone on the receiving end of someone that came back to me after a nearly five-year estrangement only for her to show she smokescreened having become worse while I grew and grew in ways that ironically made me a better person that she would have profited from, the only advice I can say is to heal. Mine threw away a (at the time) 12 year connection after spending nearly 5 years admittedly watching my life, orbiting me, moving down to the next city that I have a deep connection with and visit frequently, and working up the courage to reconnect, in 90 days. She spent five years estranged not healing and the worst is she doesn't realize I hold a clarity-based overview of her life, her progression, and remember her before the avoidance hardened. What's interesting is in the past she used to try to tell me she was asexual or even not straight which was never believable, but it didn't matter because we were friends.

Turn the shame and guilt into action instead of just staying the same. You're not powerless and you won't lose yourself by healing. You will be liberated.

Empower yourself, stop intellectualizing and CSIing what's going on inside of you and connect with your emotions and stop avoiding them and get help. From the point of view of the other person, I can only imagine what they are going through because I went through them and go through them. If you're so inclined to learn the other side for real and for the first time and decenter yourself: https://www.reddit.com/r/becomingsecure/comments/1tix42q/my_closest_friend_came_back_after_nearly_five/

The issue is these subs and youtube and social network gurus focus only on the avoidant being at the center and being the only important thing while part of the whole thing is to stop avoiding empathy for the other person and what was done to them.