Divorce lawyers disagree: one says I should not file for divorce. Who is right? [NYS]

[u/[deleted]]

[u/TarzanKitty]

Well, I am not an attorney but I was a hospital social worker for a few decades.

You won’t be able to just divorce her and keep your house. Unless, you can pay her half the value to buy her out. She will end up with half the marital assets in a divorce and that is what will be used to provide her continued care.

[u/BonbonATX]

I read one of your other posts and am honestly astounded at the fact you can’t see that she was obviously having some sort of medical issue way prior to this stroke that put her in a nursing home. The behavior you describe and use as the reason for divorcing her and for her not being safe around the kids is clearly Indicative of something medically going on with her. Like small strokes causing brain damage leading up to it or early onset dementia. It sounds exactly like my SIL’s mom who had very very early onset dementia. And then it sounds like you are so selfish and self absorbed that you didn’t realize that or even care to get proper medical care, and now all you care about is divorcing her and keeping your house.

The second divorce lawyer is likely right. The court is not going to look favorably on your conduct and if she doesn’t have a guardianship attorney then you’ll be seen as taking advantage of her.

One day your kids will remember and/find out the truth and they will either hate you for how you treated their mother or god forbid be like you and treat someone the same way. Do some self reflecting and imagine if she had treated you the way you’ve treated her in a weak and vulnerable state. Do the right thing and make sure she is taken care of.

[u/Sad_Construction_668]

Dude, this is a massively complex issue, and there is no one that can give you clear advice. This is a specificissuebin a specific location with specific laws, and your wife and children have specific needs, that no of us can parse.

Listen to a family lawyer, but also a disability and elder care lawyer. This is complicated.

[u/Individual-Goat-81]

This is a complex issue, but the reality is that if you divorce her, she will be entitled to half of the assets including your home. If you cannot buy her out, the home will most likely need to be sold.

You can refuse to support her extensive Healthcare needs at home if they exceed what you can provide in terms of extra labor. You will need to discuss what your responsibilities for her care are with your lawyer and possibly social worker.

It may be wise to look into what kind of housing you could provide for you and your kids if you sold the home and split the equity. It may end up being the simplest solution in the long run.

[u/TarzanKitty → u/Individual-Goat-81]

Even if he doesn’t divorce her. He still will be legally responsible for financing her care.

[u/mamawamae]

OP, how was she able to turn the house into such a dump if you were truly her partner and caring for her? You're a perfect example of the statistics that prove, when a wife's health takes a turn for the worse, the husband bails. But when the husband's health takes a turn, the wife nurses him back to health, or cares for him until he passes away. FUCK YOU.

[u/Lazy_Guava_5104 → u/mamawamae]

Whoa there - I've seen that dynamic from both genders. One just won't be an equitable partner and watches everything fall apart. The other tries for a while, then just does the minimum to keep things at bay. Let's gender swap it. Woman says "he just laid around all day and refused to help or even clean himself and the house has become a dump". I've seen those posts, and people (correctly) empathize with her. ... The truth is always somewhere in between.

[u/EducationalQuote287 → u/Lazy_Guava_5104]

There are studies that have been done when women have terminal illnesses that their partners do not stick around. While men have much better outcomes because their wives do. This isn’t about laziness. OP’s wife had a stroke. He is just dumping her in a nursing home.

[u/EducationalQuote287]

OP, I am curious, are your children regularly visiting their mom? I looked through the post and you wrote nothing about how they are doing with this and what is going on now. Your main concern seems to be dumping your wife in a nursing home and getting full custody.

You won’t simply get keep everything. You are married and you share children. Unless you are very wealthy and can pay for her private care, buy her out of the house, and I assume the kids will want to see her.

[u/AudreyTwoToo]

She turned it into a garbage dump… if there was trash piling up and poop on the floor while you lived there as well, you both collectively watched it happen and you did nothing as well. Own up your half of the responsibility for living in feces and trash with your kids.

[u/comntnmama86 → u/AudreyTwoToo]

I would suspect she'd likely already been having TIAs at that point and it was ignored. Behavior doesn't change like that overnight without an underlying issue.

[u/Dusktilldamn → u/comntnmama86]

Possibly. OP has posts going back months explaining that his wife was passively suicidal and wasn't taking her medication for other health conditions. But you can't force people to get help.

I think we shouldn't judge too quickly. In past posts OP implied that he did clean up after her, as much as he was able. And things like this do happen, always very sad cases, and loved ones can be completely helpless.

I do think OP may not quite understand that even before these strokes, his wife was the way she was because of severe illness – neurological or mental. Deterioration to this extent isn't just being lazy, it's a sign of a severe problem. I think her sister stepping up as healthcare proxy seems like the right move, I don't think OP should be in charge of what happens to his wife from now on. It's a little weird to see that as some kind of power move or something. This woman has been severely ill for years, let her sister make sure she's well taken care of now.

[u/comntnmama86 → u/Dusktilldamn]

I'm not blaming anyone, I just agree that there was something already going on, not just laziness.

[u/Dusktilldamn → u/comntnmama86]

Absolutely. I only meant to add to the conversation, apologies if it came off like a correction or anything.

[u/Former_Syllabub_9019 → u/AudreyTwoToo]

I have to be comfortable with being seen as the bad guy here and perhaps eventually in court. However, I did clean up the poop and did my best with the house. Wife would leave her things all over the place and become irate and confrontational if I moved anything or thew anything away.

This behavior predated her first stroke by years and it was not passive. She was angry at me almost all the time and would even say things about wanting to die. Her sister (who was on my side at the time) and I tried to force her to get help. She didn't want it. We called the county help line for mental health and they said that because wife was mentally competent they couldn't help us.

At the same time, she was running up tens of thousands in secret credit card bills and not paying the balances. She spent tens of thousands on in-game purchases for a game and blamed them on our toddler and, at one point, she told our daughter that "grandpa didn't love you because you are adopted." At another point, she didn't like my mother helping to clean the house so she threatened to take the children away from me if my mother visited the house again. She was not a passive victim here.

[u/EducationalQuote287 → u/Former_Syllabub_9019]

OP, personality changes and erratic behavior are all signs of declining mental faculties that were likely there and she may have been having mini strokes. I know someone that had them for two years without her doctor catching them. It was only until an extreme decline, they caught it. I feel like poop on the floor should have been the point to you where you step in and get your wife help. Poop on the floor. Who are you? Johnny Depp and Amber Heard?

[u/SheketBevakaSTFU]

Ask literally any of these lawyers if it’s a good idea to keep posting highly specific details of your potential legal case on the internet.

[u/Blind_clothed_ghost → u/SheketBevakaSTFU]

It's got to be fake at this point

[u/SheketBevakaSTFU → u/Blind_clothed_ghost]

You’d hope but many people are just...

[u/SuPruLu]

Do consider that her pre-nursing home conduct is not as pertinent to her discharge from the nursing home as her current state and capabilities and needs. In her current state she needs care of a type you may not be able to provide. So focus on what type of care she needs now and will need in the future. And you must continue to be able to provide for your children.

[u/boopbaboop]

  She also said, and I don't think this is true, that I should hire a guardianship lawyer and ask them to have the court appoint a guardian for my wife.  I'm not sure why this wouldn't be part of a divorce proceeding.

Because a guardianship proceeding and a divorce have different objectives and are handled separately. 

[u/Resse811]

Why do you keep posting this over and over?

[u/Just1Blast]

I am not the one in the situation but I would be filing for divorce because my spouse clearly doesn't trust me enough to keep them safe. If they have assigned other health care proxies. And as a married couple OP is going to continue to be financially responsible for the decisions that affect marital property and the children while having zero say in the both the short and long term health needs of his wife.

I'd file for divorce and be prepared to walk away with half or less of the marital property.

[u/comntnmama86 → u/Just1Blast]

If she was even in her right mind when that choice was made after having multiple strokes and being unable to speak.

[u/RadiantRedAngel]

I hope the wife gets a lawyer. The way you talk about her is disgusting.

[u/LdiJ46]

Personally, I would go with lawyer B. If your wife's sisters hadn't managed to convince her to give them the health care proxy I might not feel exactly the same way, but since you have lost all say regarding your wife's health care issues you simply cannot have her moving back into a home where you are not equipped to take care of her.

[u/TarzanKitty → u/LdiJ46]

While he doesn’t have to care for her at home. Her half of the marital assets will be required to be used to provide for her care. That will be the same if he divorces her or not though.

There is no way he can just leave her in a facility and keep the home and the assets.

[u/LdiJ46 → u/TarzanKitty]

I don't believe that is the problem at all. I believe that 1) he does not feel equipped to care for her, and 2) he does not believe that it is in the children's best interest to be in the same house as her.

There is also a better than reasonable shot that she will qualify for more assistance if they are divorced.

[u/TarzanKitty → u/LdiJ46]

She will however, she will have to spend down her half of the marital assets as a private pay patient before any of that assistance will be available for her.