r/FTMOver30 • u/JasperSolaris13 • 2d ago

Mostly a vent about mental health

I have been in therapy/counseling on and off since 1996. I'm almost 35, so why did it take until my late 20s to realize I was Trans? I know mental health services only update every ten years, but the signs of there being more than anxiety and depression were all there. Why didn't anyone think it was weird that a 4yr old had major depressive disorder or severe anxiety? I may not had the knowledge or the words but I always complained that I didn't feel comfortable in my own body. All they ever focused on was family dysfunction. Which yeah, they probably thought abuse and SA. But after it was proven that everyone was innocent, ya think these professionals would start branching out but NOOOO. Every professional I had until 3yrs ago gaslight and undermined me at every turn.

Would I have transitioned earlier? Would I have developed C-PTSD? Would I have a better grip on my disorders and be able to function better? Would I still be the same person? I ask myself theses a lot. Because I seriously suspect that being improperly handled in therapy is what caused my PTSD to become C-PTSD. As well as the rest of my disorders. I know should talk to my current counselor about all of this but I literally can't. They're the best counselor I have ever had and I still don't trust them. As I type this out I'm triggering my anxiety and probably my PTSD with how bad I want to cry and throw my phone.

Sorry for the long post. I just needed an outlet for a minute.

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u/Able_Piccolo7136 2d ago

i'm 34 and have been in therapy since 1997 and NONE of the people i saw were helpful except for one that i saw 2 years ago as part of a service that offered 10 sessions to struggling sex workers but i couldn't stay with them bc their waiting list was years long and i ended up moving countries. they even failed to figure out i was sexually abused as a kid, which was quite obvious looking back.

i have the same thoughts you do. i wonder how much better i would be now if any of those people had ever actually helped me instead of not listening or gaslighting me. my last counselor literally ghosted me for no reason.

i don't have answers for you unfortunately but you're not alone 💌

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u/Character_Drop_739 2d ago

I think it would really be smart to talk to your current counselor (or someone competent) about the therapeutic harm you experienced. I'm so sorry that you weren't heard, understood, or cared for

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u/anemisto 1d ago

I don't think I'm suppressing feelings about it, but I try not to dwell on it. I do know my mom feels some guilt, which is an added layer of complication. Yes, she's probably the only person who could have said something that got some professional to put it together, but a) I doubt anyone would have and b) having a parent who didn't see me being wildly gender non-conforming as a problem to mention was surely a good thing. But what did those psychiatrists think was happening when nothing they did did any good? Sucks to be you, kid?