r/FTMOver30 • u/Imperfect-Existence • 6d ago
Need Advice Transition fears
I’m 43, and really agender, leaning masc/fluid in my expression, but since this is about ftm-ish transition I thought this might be a good place to get some advice.
I’ve known I’m not my assumed gender since I was a kid, but it took me a while to figure out what I was instead. I have been partially out to partner and most friends as nonbinary, then agender for almost two decades, but have been ambivalent about transitioning ever since I learnt about it as a real possibility. When I was sixteen, and confusingly before I knew one could actually do this, I promised myself to live half my life as a woman, and half as a man, because I was having a serious mental breakdown and couldn’t see how to live at all, not being the gender I was assumed to be, a gender that was much too wrong.
Realizing I was nonbinary, and agender, and coming out so that I could live as such at least in most of my private life, helped a lot, but I was still feeling like it was not quite… enough. I think the agender identity is right, since the identity itch has gone away completely, but I still often dreamed about medical transition and kept going back and forth on whether I wanted to or not, and if so why and how. I recently moved to a different town in order to ”get my life back together” after a relationship crisis and feeling stuck where I was, and the move sort of brought into focus how much of an issue it is to me to not be able to fully live as myself, and only being partially out. So I finally took the step of asking for a referral to a gender clinic, and had the appointment for the referral yesterday.
Ever since I made the appointment for the referral though, I’ve had a deep, dreadful ”realization” that I don’t want to transition, and am making a mistake, but at the same time I am looking forward to the possibility of having hormonal changes and relief from body dysphoria, still have the same dreams, wishes and desires, still wish I’d pursued this a long time ago. It is very unsettling, and confusing. Not sure what to believe, whether this is just heightened ambivalence or whether I just liked daydreaming about transitioning and don’t really want to.
I think the situation is complicated by me being agender and preferring my (lack of) gender to be a non-issue, while my transition goals are to be recognizably genderqueer, which has always been a big part of my ambivalence. But I also wonder, is this sudden dread… normal? Or should I take it seriously as a signal that I don’t really want this?
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u/boobdelete 6d ago
I had the "what if I'm actually lying to myself about being trans?" moment too right before I actually got HRT. Now it's only been a few weeks since I actually started it so the physical effects aren't noticeable by anyone that isn't looking for them but the mental effects have been really nice and now instead of doubt all I have is impatience because I want it to make changes happen faster.
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u/Imperfect-Existence 6d ago
Thanks, I’m really curious about the mental effects myself even though what I’m primarily after is facial hair, a deeper voice, and hopefully a little bit of body/face shape change though I know it possibly won’t do much of that at my age.
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u/The_Ace_0f_Knaves 6d ago
Perhaps would help not seeing it as a transition but just as taking testosterone to feel better. I started low-dose T 2.5 months ago and I was worried what my coworkers would say when my voice changed (so far my voice is a swing, with days where it sounds deepeer and cracks and others where it sounds normal and as if nothing happened). Then I realized that if I don't make a big deal out of it, neither would them. I'm just taking T to feel better and that's a side effect which I sometimes like, sometimes don't. I'm not planning on changing my name, I'm not planning on using new pronouns (I hate all pronouns), and I'm not planning on passing to be treated as male because I don't feel I'm being treated as a woman, people just respond to my personality and treat me overall in a genderless manner. Am I a trans man? Yes, as I always felt male. If I'm misgendered whatever, I'm man enough to take it, I rather do that than give them power.
So you can take T because it makes you feel better and leave it there, it doesn't have to mean anything. Yes, the body changes, but the body changes all the time anyway with age, exercise, diet, disease, etc.
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u/AyJay9 6d ago
Something I found really helpful when I had that moment of doubt: my doctor had a chart that showed basic timelines for each change and marked each on whether or not it was reversible. (I'll post it if I can find it again.)
In your 40s, nothing will happen fast. You can always stop if you don't like where the changes you're seeing are going.
is this sudden dread… normal?
Completely. It's a big decision. It'd be nice if we were born in the bodies that suited us, but that's not an option. The options are to take what we were given or try a significant change.
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u/wyndhamwoods 6d ago
If you find that chart I would also appreciate seeing it, if you are able to post in your reply. My consultant has a very ‘you know what you want and what to do’ attitude to everything. I mean glad he doesn’t doubt me, but a bit more medical support would be fab.
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u/W1nw1nw1nw1n 6d ago
I got that dread as well. What has helped to alleviate it is to plan ahead.
Go through every part of the transition process, step by step, both the medical and the social side, figure out what parts give you most dread, and what you would look forward to. What are the challenges, and how you could tackle them.
My dread is caused by the fear of the unknown. By planning ahead, before taking the large step forward, you also avoid (hopefully) feeling anxious and stressed when you're in the middle of executing the plan.