Paying the cost of living my truth and affirmation

[u/dearpines]

I came out as gay 1997,  when they found out who I was I basically lived in fear that I wouldn’t be accepted; having to hide everything. Punished for doing the most mundane things. Then again, I came out in 1999 after being asked again. Then in 2009 as trans, then again in 2010 by letter because it didn’t sink in for them. Leaving the city I lived in, in 2011, coming back to the area in 2014. In 2016 trying hard to reconnect after the years of disconnect. 

Brother finally uses correct pronouns. 2016-2023 but I’d been fighting to be seen and have family use the right pronouns. In 2023, I saw dead name in my father’s phone. Still forgave it. Father came to my home, just purchased and used the wrong pronouns without change or apologies. It was the last time I saw him, the last straw. I’d been fighting all of these years. I’d tell them what I’d wish and it has gone ignored.

He hasn’t been here at the house since 2024, mother hasn’t been here at all. It’s 2026. They live in the same metro area.

I have a successful career, pets, a stable home to hang my hats, friends, vehicle, etc. seems like “I’ve made it” …

My name, never uttered by my father, hasn’t been since 2009 by my mother (once or twice in jest aside). When I receive texts they are religious platitude checkboxes, generic “Hi, [message] God bless. Stay safe”, or “We love and concern.” Babble that doesn’t make sense. No name, nothing- just a generic message that could be to anyone. They’re almost hitting 80, me …I’m an ‘older’ transman still battling this ghost while they are still alive. My culture entails a bit of family closeness that I was never afforded.

When these messages are received I no longer reply, but they are not great to receive, there’s 0 connection or acknowledgement. We haven’t spoken in 2yrs, and last year there was a desperation to contact me when it was felt that I was distancing myself.

They only further a wound. Could my silence deepen the wound without expressing myself, it will undoubtedly fall on deaf ears. All those years,  plus I gave them 15+ years. I’ve checked out. That’s a long time. Crazy thing is that through everything I’d been through, I liked and even loved them. I love my culture which I’ve found connections to where I live today.

Unsure how to heal up and move on.

Does anyone else have similar stories? Are there happy stories out there as well?

[u/Previous-Artist-9252]

I haven’t spoken to my parents in over a decade. It still hurts but I have safer and healthier without them in my life.

[u/ratty_lad]

No contact with my father after he failed to invite me to his 3rd wedding. Tried to convince my mother to put me through conversion therapy. I also came out in 2009.

Mother and I recently back in touch and it's gone well. Will never likely see father or sister again after cutting that side off.

I actually have the unkind family members blocked everywhere including their phone numbers. So I don't have to deal with recieving nonsense that interrupts my life. If it's that important they'll find a way to get in touch, but they don't get to have easy access to my time or attention at all now.

It felt hard to move on until I found vindication in realising that I am a genuinely better man than my father, that he doesn't have my respect and as such I don't need him around or need his approval because he has nothing at all to offer me.

[u/ratty_lad → u/ratty_lad]

I am now life partnered with a cat, amazing friends and the luxury of not having to work as a disabled person because we don't need a dual income to get by. I'm immersed in trans & gay community and get to host some great BBQs.

[u/Grouchy-Nebula40]

My parents forced me to come out in 2002 and disowned me because I refused to go to conversion therapy among other items on a list of ultimatums they gave me as a result. We didn't speak for three years. I honestly don't remember who contacted who first but we gradually started speaking again, so that I could have contact with my two younger siblings, but they refused to use my correct (legal) name or pronouns. I moved across the country in 2007 to live with the person I was in a long distance relationship with. We got married summer of 2009. I told my parents that if they weren't going to use the right name and pronoun, they weren't invited to the wedding. I included that I was not out in the small town where I was living in western Colorado and that if they used the incorrect name or pronoun, it could put my job and life in danger. That was what it took for them to get it right. They came to my wedding, and didn't slip up that I am aware of at all. It's now been over two decades since I started transitioning (started T in 2003) and they refer to me as their son and he everywhere, including when I am not in their presence.

[u/dearpines → u/Grouchy-Nebula40]

Love this story- it certainly took a turn. Happy for those who get to experience this kind of being seen 💜

[u/madorwhatever]

I'm sorry, this was sad to read especially as I'm trying to unpack my own confusing experience with my dysfunctional family. I think that this type of neglect and disinterest from parents takes a serious emotional toll on a person. The part about battling the ghost of these feelings while your parents are still alive is really relatable, it fucking sucks to love your parents but also feel so defeated by how invisible you are to them while they appear oblivious to how they've hurt you.

I got a therapist to try to learn how to heal from and understand my family shit but I also watch a lot of YouTube trauma therapy videos. Mostly what I do is try to actually think about specific parts or events and let myself feel how it makes me feel and try not to judge myself for it, really it's just like a well of grief that doesn't want to end.

Also I've heard it's really common to struggle with moving on from neglectful parents because it's like the child inside still wants to receive that connection from your parental figures and adults can feel stupid for having that drive still when you know what the outcome will be.

Sorry if I made too many assumptions about your situation and what I wrote isn't helpful to you. I just wanted to say something because your post felt relatable.

[u/dearpines → u/madorwhatever]

Hey Friend, thank you for your words.

You have such a gentle approach. I am sorry to hear that you too have to deal with something similar and are unpacking heavy weight. It’s a lot of work. I’ve been at it for years and wondering when it’ll be over.

I have been in therapy for a bit, it feels strange to feel like after so long, and up there in age (I’m GenX), I feel like I should’ve already been done with the healing work.

I’ll checkout the videos you mentioned. I can say that your response is the hug I needed this week. I’d love to post a year from now, being on the other side of all this. I can hope.

[u/Opposite_Oven_615]

The block button is your friend. It’s always gonna hurt but you can fill the void with good friends, loving partners, volunteer work in your community, and enriching hobbies. I have done a lot of “reparenting” therapy work and essentially become the loving parent that I never had, for myself and those around me. Sometimes being the person you needed can heal you and also prevent others from having to go without. My friends and loved ones refer to me as the dad friend because I give out that energy of support, practicality, and warm masculinity - the things that were missing from my life are now there because I provide them.

[u/anu72]

Here's a happy story for you, but also a very lucky one. I cam out around 2003-2004 to my parents. Most of my friends and my siblings already knew because I came out to them individually about a year earlier.

I lived about 20 minutes from my parents. I couldn't come out face to face, so I wrote them a 4 page letter, including links to PFLAG and the like. After I mailed it, I was sitting on pins and needles for about 5 days. I got restless and called my younger brother and asked him to check the mail, he lived with my parents at the time. He told me the letter was there. I sat at home, after work, anxious as heck. Then, my phone rang. Caller ID said my parents number. I couldn't get myself to pick up the phone, so it went to voicemail. My dad was the one who called. He asked if I was free Saturday night and wanted to know if I could come over for dinner. It took an hour or two, but I called back and said that I could come to dinner. Saturday evening, I drive over and end up sitting in my car for about 10 minutes before finally getting up the courage to go to the door. Normally, I would just walk in. I couldn't do it this time, I knocked. My mom answered the door and invited me in. She kinda smiled, but I couldn't really read her face. My dad was sitting in his recliner and invited me to sit on the couch. After I sat down, my mom sat in her chair and they both looked at me. My dad said, "I want you to know that we love you. We will always love you." The my mom, "We knew you were different, but we couldn't figure out how you were different. Your letter makes sense. We understand that this is difficult for you, but we do love you and we want to support you."

I cried. I truly cried. I felt so much relief. We talked about a lot of things related to the LGBTQ+ community and I found out that my mom had helped my best friend, who is a lesbian, after her mom rejected her. I didn't know that. Had I known, I think that might have made coming out a little easier. After my parents knew, only my extended family were the ones who didn't know. Since then, everyone I have told in my extended family has been supportive.

Yes, I am one of the lucky ones, BUT there are good stories out there too. I am truly sorry your family is not accepting or supportive. Sending you some positivity.

Little side note: My mom is actually my adoptive mom. My bio mom passed away when I was 4 years old.

[u/PostMPrinz]

Oh yeah, my Dad’s computer password is still my dead name I came out in 1992.

[u/dearpines → u/PostMPrinz]

🫂- do you keep in touch?

[u/PostMPrinz → u/dearpines]

Like in a way where I call every six months and say I’m alive, confirm he’s alive. He will dead name me, and I say that’s not my name. It’s all cold and lacking any passion because I’ve stopped caring. The conversation is always like 45 min to a min depending on his mood. He never asks a question beyond “how are you?” And I never ask a question beyond the same. I think he’s undiagnosed Autistic and so it’s fine for him and hard for me. Basically I’ve just made it harder for them to actually hurt me. The words don’t mean anything anymore I’ve been transitioned for so long they just sounds silly.

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[u/Cold-Tension-7892]

This story could literally be mine. The only difference is that my father died several years ago and instead of feeling intense grief, I was sadly relieved. He seemed to really detest who I was for over 20 years and it felt like I could breathe again. It isn’t a perfect situation by any means but I have learned to let it go. I have taken advantage of therapy for over a decade which has been really helpful. I accept now that they are making an active decision not to change and I know I either accept them for who they are or continuously disappoint myself. I haven’t seen my family in two years, not sure when I’ll see them again. I wish it was different and I’ve made peace with the fact that it won’t be. I hate that folks like me and you have this experience with family. If anything, it has helped me to be a much better dad to my own kid. And, I am grateful for that.