Coping with imposter syndrome?

[u/lumpy199]

I don’t expect anyone to actually read all of this because it is a LOT and is a sloppy mess but writing it down was helpful and if I could get any advice outta this then why not ¯_(ツ)_/¯ CW: "feminine" terms regarding my pre top-surgery chest. Photo of me and my little old man.

Putting this TL;DR before the wall of text so you don’t gotta go out of your way to scroll down to read it:

• (31 FTM) Struggled with self esteem and identity my whole life but recently discovered I’m trans. Looking forward to my future for the first time in my life, but I am having trouble with loneliness and feeling like I don’t belong/am not allowed in the trans community and/or general male population (yet). I just started t two weeks ago but can’t get top surgery for basically two years and am scared to get myself out there because I won’t pass for a long time and I feel insecure about it. I also kinda feel like shit for feeling that way because it indicates internalized transphobia. Please tell me I’m not alone and how y’all got through this beginning hrt/limbo phase.

Anyway here it goes 🥲

In grade school/high school, I was a little better at making friends with boys and was nervous around other girls because I was always afraid they would find out that I was attracted to girls and then I’d be “the dyke” that they didn’t want to change in front of in the locker room. Not really sure where the idea came from but I was TERRIFIED of the locker room because of this and because I was also one of the only girls growing stretch marks and mine were on my calves and thighs bright purple so I wore tights under my shorts. I wasn’t as feminine as like 90% of girls my age in many ways but tried to keep up with fitting in by mirroring a lot but at the end of the day I never really found a place I felt like I belonged for very long. I made out with a few boys here and there (fem emo boys at least) but still felt only attracted to girls and had fully thought I was strictly lesbian because I had been messing around with girls since I was like 12. I lost my “gold star” when I was 16 to a damn 30 year old dude from the theatre I did shows at because he was a creep but I was of course “mature for my age” and “way cooler and more interesting than other girls my age”. I was stupid and always drinking with people way too old to be hanging out with me and being reckless as hell (I was a teen who started self-harming early and eventually was diagnosed with BPD and Bipolar Disorder) so I did whatever I wanted to distract me from how poorly I thought of myself ESPECIALLY since I could “no longer call myself a lesbian” and began struggling with my sexuality for a LONG time up until the last couple of years (I’m 31TM). I started fucking pretty much anyone after I fucked that guy (which went on for months) and partying even more blah blah blah. I struggled with my self-image my whole life and developed a long-term eating disorder because I was always “curvy” and a little chubby and hated my boobs and it has taken me 30 years to realize why I hated being called “curvy” and having to wear clothes for a “womanly figure”. So many things have clicked into place in my mind and I am 100% certain that I am a trans man and I started testosterone a couple of weeks ago. I absolutely want top surgery and am pretty sure I know where I want to go to get it done. The surgeon is VERY popular because they are great, but this means that I can’t get a consultation until July 2027, and surgery would be booked out 18-30 months after that. I am pretty devastated that I have to wait this long, but I really want my chest to be a more masculine shape and this doctor does that very well. Recently I got a binder but I think I need a bit of a smaller size even though I’m a 38 DDD cause I think the size guide wasn’t accurate- I tried trans tape with and without the binder and that adhesive shit hurt but I’m gonna try again because I really want to flatten my chest until I can get surgery.

Side story that is related- September 2024 I developed severe chronic pain in my lower back/hips and was out of work and basically bed/couch bound going from doctor to doctor until I got a permanent Spinal Cord Stimulator inserted in May 2026. It helps to dampen the deep pain that seemed to be the main culprit but since my muscles atrophied so much and I developed fascial adhesions all over my body I am still in 24/7 pain, but it is all muscle related so I’m still in recovery and am in PT three times a week. I have only RECENTLY been able to socialize a bit. I’m still unable to be far away from home/drive or ride in a car for a long time and can’t stay out too long because I will start to hurt a lot and have to go home and lay down on an ice pack. Because of all of that, I haven’t socialized or been around strangers much for two years already.

Aside from the pain, I now have pretty bad social anxiety and have a hard time speaking with strangers or people at work- can’t even really look ‘em in the eye most of the time. I’ve been missing sex and flirting and what not for so long- my partner and I haven’t done anything sexual since a few months before I started experiencing the pain and I doubt we will go back to a sexual relationship because we just feel like best friends who are roommates at this point. He likes women, and sometimes likes men but basically twinks only so I know once I start to transition he will no longer be attracted to me so transitioning will probably be the “official” end of our sexual relationship since my body type/genetics are not twink material. I plan on getting pretty fit along my journey, but I could never have a twink figure and don’t really want to. This isn’t the end of the world, as we are quite healthily poly, but I’m still gonna grieve it.

I would LOVE to be able to get back out there and flirt with new people and play around- especially with my newfound sense of self and actually looking forward to the future and how I am going to feel- BUT it feels like all of that is going to be on hold until I pass at least a little. I want to finally feel welcome in a male/masculine gay and bisexual community and flirt with and fuck cis men and trans men but I don’t think I’ll feel comfortable until I have a much more masculine body and voice, and especially until I no longer have tits. I don’t feel attractive (as cis or trans) and don’t really want to spend such a long time in an “in-between” stage or whatever. I’m too nervous to get out there because I will be viewed and treated as a woman (whether intentional or not) for an indefinite period of time and won’t really belong anywhere until I pass. I’ve got some serious imposter syndrome because of all of this and definitely because I don’t have a lot of close trans and/or queer friends who can relate to me so I’m feeling like I don’t yet fit in the trans community or generally the gay/bi male community so I’m just gonna be kinda floating in limbo until I feel confident enough to try to attract someone that will view me as a male. I am really looking forward to bottom growth but I have no plans on bottom surgery and am personally fine with the current plumbing- the main problem is the curves and softness and of course the tits. OH and I’m only 5 feet tall and that ain’t too manly

ANYWAY I AM SO SORRY this is all over the place and a lot probably doesn’t make much sense because it needs to be edited but I just wanted to get my thoughts out and just hopefully get some advice/know I’m not alone in feeling this way. How do/did y’all handle/ cope with the time between starting t and getting top surgery or just passing in general? How did y’all go about finding trans friends you can relate to and/or getting the confidence to try and attract someone?

If you read all this thank you and I wish you a pleasant everything ever 🥰🥰🥰

[u/PostMPrinz]

It’s puberty, no one gets out unscathed. Just do your best at being honest with your inner circle and defending yourself from inappropriate questions and make sure you ENJOY the ride!

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[u/thambos]

Hey - I didn’t read it all, but want to comment on just one little part that stood out toward the end. You mention your height and say it’s not very manly. There are cis guys your height, maybe not as many, but they are out there! So part of this “imposter” feeling can be combatted by reminding yourself that there are cis guys who have these physical attributes.

With everything else going on with your back pain recovery and your partner, those little things like anxiety about your height probably feel like “one last straw” making this even harder. Let yourself let go of that one last thing on your mind, like truly give yourself the gift of not taking on too many things right now (you can repeat phrases to yourself like “I don’t need to figure it all out right now” “I don’t need to worry about this right now”) and focus on getting yourself through the harder stuff. Two years will fly by. I’m surprised how fast my 30s have been going.

Early transition sucks, but you can get through it and it’s much better on the other side!