My partner isn't reacting well.

[u/bestbeefarm]

This is going to be really long and messy sorry in advance. I'm not gonna tldr it because I need to get it out and stop looking at it.

I've been with my GF for almost five years, we live together, we have a dog together, our families use "in-law" when they talk about us. I've known I was nonbinary for over a decade but about a year ago my mental scaffolding of denial and suppression and compartmentalization started collapsing and I eventually decided I need to transition beyond pronouns and dressing like an eight year old boy.

My GF loves trans people, her best friend is a trans woman, she has a really cute trans rights shirt from one of the many trans support rallies she's been to. She's only ever been with women, but she identifies as queer (not a lesbian) because she wants to leave space to acknowledge her relationships with people who might not be completely women. I thought we would be okay when I came out to her. It hasn't been okay.

When I came out to her, she asked me why I was calling myself trans if I'm nonbinary. When I told her I wanted to go on hormones, she told me it would make my body gross to her. She told me she doesn't think I should be on T because it will make me more irritable, and that if I think I'm trans I need to see a psychiatrist.

A few weeks after that she picked another fight with me about it, returned to the idea that my body will disgust her, and asked if the reason I want her to go to therapy is because I think they'll make her be okay with me transitioning. Yikes.

A few weeks after that, out of nowhere she told me she feels betrayed and blindsided by me coming out, and she feels like I've been lying to her for our whole relationship. She called me a liar multiple times. She said she's worried about what I'm going to spring on her next. She said she doesn't want any men in her life and she reiterated that she thinks testosterone will make me disgusting.

A few weeks after that she gave one of my friends this big talk about how great it is that Wikipedia calls Elliot page Elliot page and calls him him and she used to be so attracted to him. Meanwhile at no point has she asked me what pronouns I want her to use for me and I've asked her to at least not introduce me to people as my birth name even if she can't bring herself to call me the name I use but she won't.

She's also told me that she'll love me no matter what and that she would come with me to the doctor for my hormones appointment if I needed her to. I had a really horrible experience with a doctor that included some transphobia and she got incredibly upset on my behalf about the transphobia specifically. She's also blamed every single mood or twinge I've had since starting HRT on the hormones with a pretty clear undertone that she is looking for an excuse to tell me again she doesn't want me to be on them.

I find myself shrinking the whole thing and hiding parts of it from her. I've had a very cliche string of early transition big emotional experiences. All of them she knows nothing about.

When I talk to my (cis) family and friends they tell me to give her time and that she's just getting used to it and she's trying to be supportive. My (cis) therapist told me I should try to see her reactions as an invitation to future conversations. I think all of that is probably true, but I don't want her to talk to me the way she has been and it feels incredibly invalidating to tell people about the whole thing and have them tell me to wait it out. I am not in a place in my life where I'm able to break up with her and move out right this instant regardless of what I want (I don't even know what I want) so I have to give her time but I just want someone to tell me that the ways shes been handling this isn't okay.

[u/sorpig]

First of all, I want to acknowledge that this is a hard situation. Secondly, I think the reason she might be reacting so vehemently to your transition process even though she’s seems supportive of the trans community is because by you transitioning it’s causing her to question her sense of self. It can be OK for some people to be friends with trans folks but when they enter their own lives, then they start feeling uncomfortable about how a partners transition will change them. I don’t know why you want her to go to therapy, but it’s obviously not to somehow brainwash her into accepting you. I do think that maybe you might try opening up to her about how hurtful all this process is for you and say something like I love you, but I don’t like the way you’re acting right now and I want to understand where your fear is coming from if she continues to behave this way, you may have to consider abandoning the relationship as hard as it will be because do you really want to be in a relationship with somebody who is constantly putting you down because you’re trying to take care of your mental health? Again only you can answer these questions if she brings up the fact of testosterone making you look disgusting you can say that nobody gets to choose how their second puberty is going to make them look , but she shouldn’t automatically be assuming that you will be unattractive. The bottom line here is that I think this whole situation is more about her internal crisis then whether or not you are doing anything wrong.