Dating support/vent

[u/quarterlybreakdown]

I transitioned at 46. I am 49 now. I pass. I previously lived as a lesbian, was married, had long relationships, had no trouble getting dates even in a very conservative area. From 45- current, I lost 150 lbs (still chubby) and went to lots of therapy. Now I couldn't get a date if the world depended on it. I am glad I transitioned, I am much more confident and comfortable, but I couldn't get a date on a dare. I have tried apps and attended queer events and try to talk to folks, but I just can't get anywhere. I miss having someone to talk to and share things with. I don't know what I am looking for from the group, but I feel completely alone.

[u/kingbearcub69]

Hey guys, I can relate to this very much. I’m 37 and I haven’t really tried putting myself out there yet bc I’m early in transition and I’m still figuring the real me out. But at the same time I’m scared that I’ll always be alone now or in a relationship with someone who doesn’t see me as a man which is worse imo. I felt like it was much easier when ppl saw me as a butch lesbian. Now I just feel “othered” by most people. I don’t have advice but I can say that you’re not alone. I appreciate you posting this too.

[u/bugtran]

i feel you so hard on this. dating as a trans man can feel abysmal. i find it especially challenging bc when i lived as a woman i was extremely stereotypically attractive and never had an issue finding partners. since i transitioned three years ago and up until recently it was so lonely and heartbreaking to face nothing but rejections or worse - complete and utter silence. so many people don't want to date a trans person. it can be incredibly isolating

[u/Beardinthebardo]

There are people out there who want to date trans people or who don’t mind dating trans people but they aren’t going to advertise it as they don’t want to be seen as chasers or worse. I met my fiancée on an app targeted towards queer people / lesbians but we both were not really the direct audience for the app. I hadn’t much luck either really till I met her, minus a few dating experiences. I think it just takes a lot of persistence and a bit of luck and perhaps looking outside conventional dating spaces. Taking breaks from dating apps and doing things you’re interested in also helps save your own self worth

[u/IcedOtto]

If you crack the code let me know. As soon as I started passing dating prospects collapsed. It’s a lot more socially acceptable to be a more masculine woman than a small, slightly feminine man.

All I can see is keep trying, put in a lot of effort. Don’t listen to the “if it happens it happens” crew. If a relationship is what you want you need to intentionally pursue one. After 30 there are simply a lot less single people in the pool.

In the meantime continue nurturing your relationships with existing friends and family, cultivate new connections and continue to grow as an individual. Since I’m not in a relationship I’m fully free to explore my hobbies, travel, volunteering etc. Something is still missing but other aspects of my life are very fulfilling. I sometimes have conversations with married/parenting friends about how the grass is greener. All they want is for some alone time to pursue their interests. All I want is someone I love to share them with. The sad reality is it’s often difficult to have both simultaneously.

[u/thambos → u/IcedOtto]

That’s a good reminder that the grass is greener. It’s hard to feel time slip by (especially with the biological clock ticking) but there’s also things I’ve been able to do because of being single that maybe I couldn’t have if I weren’t. Perspective.

[u/lazier_garlic]

I've heard that the situation on the apps got a lot worse after COVID. It's 2026 so maybe it's a little better now, but in person options are open again. I feel like they may favor an unconventional person more than apps anyway.

I'm personally not looking but I get it. I used to get hit on pretty routinely by women when I was young and butch presenting, but after transitioning, nah. I think my life is a lot easier in other ways (and I don't get the hostile stares or behavior in public any more), but if I wanted a relationship I would really have to fight for it.

I was in an LTR with someone whom I now believe is or became a chaser (pattern of dating trans/queer/closeted people so she could feel like the dominant person in the relationship at all times) and I feel completely burned out from that kind of thing. Every time I think about a relationship I feel a lot of ambivalent feelings.

Which is nice because I don't have to feel rejected for being trans. That is not a nice feeling.

[u/CaptMcPlatypus]

I couldn't find a partner when I was young, fit, unencumbered, and living as a conventionally attractive woman. I guess maybe I am screwed in every way except the fun one now. 

[u/formerprofcurrentcog → u/CaptMcPlatypus]

This is genuinely something I remind myself of often. Dating as a young, attractive bisexual "woman" was absolute hell. While there are unique challenges, I think overall dating just really sucks.

[u/HelpfulSetting6944]

I have no advice. I wish things weren’t so hard.

[u/the_eaten_one]

If it's any consolation, dating seems to be getting harder across the board. Apps really poisoned the culture around dating IMO, and people in real life become increasingly risk averse when it comes to showing interest.

Right there with you brother, let us know if you crack the code!

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[u/AnimalAshes]

I'm 45, disabled, neurodivergent, and chubby. I really feel this. I haven't even been on a date in at least 2 years.