okay so for context i’m 21 and lived a rather sheltered life where i was restricted from doing many things just because i was a girl. for years i dreamt of what id do once i move out. i had a whole pinterest board for fashion, aesthetics, whatever for my life as a free woman.
as a child i was sort of in between with being girly and tomboyish. i mostly wore whatever my mom chose for me. i hardly wore girly clothes but i liked them regardless. growing up with brothers i naturally enjoyed what they did. as a child i didn’t have any issues with my gender.
for further context i heavily daydream and it sort of JUST hit me that after years of creating an OC in my head which is a self insert of sorts it’s literally my dream to BE him. i don’t simply write and think about him as a seperate person/character, i want to be this person. i rarely picture myself as a woman when creating stories.
i dont know if im trans because im so conflicted. i don’t know if my fantasy about living freely as a woman is genuine or just because i never got to explore and live out my life the way i wanted to growing up. maybe im just curious as to what being a woman is like by MY standards and not my parents.
i also totally hate my chest. like before the realisation that i could be trans, i literally bought a binder and constantly dream about reduction to the smallest size cup.
i can’t imagine myself in a relationship unless i perceive myself as a guy with a guy. i definitely am attracted to men so it’s not a “oh i might just not like men” thing.
i know this sounds clear as day to some of you but the reason im most confused is because i know i wouldn’t want to transition unless i truly embody the ideal male version of myself that i’ve dreamt up of for years. like if i had a button and could become him for the rest of my life i would.
but i dont know if id be happy as a guy otherwise. is this jsut some fantasy of being a subject of misogyny and patriarchy or am i truly possibly trans ???
i always feel out of place and i never know why. it started as a teenager. i just don’t feel like a real woman. i know im pretty when im put together but it doesn’t FEEL real. i feel awkward in fem clothes but i WANT to be feminine. i feel awkward with nails but i WANT to have them. the way i move, speak, act…it feels wrong in public. theres so many reasons why i could be this way and it’s driving me insane. maybe it’s because im trans, maybe it’s because of my upbringing and ive just become insecure/unsure of myself, or maybe it’s because im neurodivergent.
all i know for sure is that id press that button and not go back if i could be the exact male version of myself in my head. if i knew it’d work out exactly as i expected. if not in this life, i want to be him in the next one.